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The Best PWP Evar!!!!!!!!7
Or not. I mean, it’s up to you.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of The Best PWP Evar!!!!!!!! I’m your host, Bongo Bill, and tonight we’ll… oh. It’s not a talk show. Silly me.

Well, anyway, let’s get on with it.

Dr. Death really, really had to pee. And he made it very clear by asking where the bathroom was. Zelda indicated that he should go upstairs and turn to the left, and lo and behold, there was a bathroom.

Let us leave the good doctor there for a while and turn out attention back to… something.

“Got any nines?” asked Rauru.

The Boss sighed and handed a card, the nine of clubs, to Rauru, who then put the two remaining cards in his hand on the desk. “Good game, guys. I win again.”

“That’s the eighteenth time in a row,” said Bill, who was counting. This time, he was a stick figure with bongos. “We have to learn a new card game.”

“I know who can teach us,” said the Boss. “Rauru, dial Link.”

Rauru waddled over to his desk, pressed a button or seven, and the sound of a ringing phone came out of the speakers hidden in the walls. This ringing was eventually replaced by Link’s voice. “Hello?” he said.

“Hey, Link,” said the Boss to no one in particular. “It’s the Boss. Hey, I just realized that we don’t know any card games besides Go Fish.”

“You don’t?” asked Link’s voice. “That’s a shame. Come on over, I think I know how to play Blackjack or something.”

Link, meanwhile, hung up the phone, turned around, and was startled to see Bill, the Boss, and Rauru standing right in front of him. “Whoa!” all four said in unison. The three who did not live in this house looked around puzzledly. “Hey, it worked,” remarked Bill.

“What worked?” asked Link.

“Nothing,” replied the author.

“That’s fairly unusual.”

“No it’s not.”

“A valid point.”

“Well, anyway,” said Bill, “teach us how to play some other cards games.”

Link did so, and the Boss was just about to say thanks and what a great job and now Rauru won’t beat us all the time, when someone rang the doorbell and called, “Telegram!”

Link answered the door and the man there handed him a little card, and he read it out loud, and it said, “PLEASE HELP US STOP WE ARE IN NEED OF THE ASSISTANCE OF A GREAT HERO SUCH AS YOURSELF STOP PLEASE WE ARE DESPERATE STOP THANK YOU STOP SINCERELY WE REALLY NEED HELP ON SOME ISLAND PLACE STOP.” When Link deciphered this letter, he determined that somebody on some island place needed his help. “I know what I must do!” he exclaimed.

So they all (including Bill) got in Darunia’s truck and drove off to some island place, until they remembered that not only did they have no idea where to find some island place, but also that trucks couldn’t swim. So they fell into the water and had to start over from the last place they were on shore.

“What a dilemma…” mused the Boss. “I’ve never heard of some island place.”

“Neither have I,” said Zelda.

“Me neither,” said Malon.

“Nope,” said Nabooru.

Impa said, “I don’t think so.”

Saria said, “Are we there yet?”

“I mean, it’s not like I sent a bunch of monsters to the place or anything,” denied Ganondorf.

“That’s good to know,” said Link, “but you’re probably lying.”

“Um…. No I’m not!”

“Where is it?”

“I’m not telling.”

Link drew the Master Sword, and that was all the persuasion Ganondorf needed. “All right, all right, I’ll tell! It’s off in the middle of the ocean!”

“But how,” asked Darunia, “do we get there?”

“I’ve got a dinghy,” suggested the Boss.

“It should work,” said Zelda. “Let’s go.”

They all drove to the Boss’ office, where they got the keys to his dinghy, and then they drove to the docks, where they found the dinghy, and they all got out of the truck and into the dinghy, and then they drove the dinghy off into the middle of the ocean dinghy, and I can’t stop saying dinghy. Dinghy.

“There it is dinghy!” exclaimed Link dinghy, looking out at some island place dinghy.

The dinghy landed on the shore of some island place dinghy, and they all got out and look around dinghy, and they saw that the whole place was covered in monsters dinghy.

“Ganondorf! Darunia! Nabooru! Impa! Dinghy!” called Link. “Come with me. We’ll handle this dinghy.”

The five dinghies marched grimly off towards the monsters and basically just killed all the dinghies. “All clear!” called Link dinghily.

Zelda, Malon, Saria, dinghy, the Boss, Bill, Rauru, and dinghy came on shore and walked off towards the dinghy where the telegram had obviously been sent from dinghy. They stormed in, and instead of finding a dinghy full of refugees, orphans, and dinghies, as they had expectedinghy, they foudinghy a dinghy that was lavishly decorated with expensive dinghies and tapestries, and there were a bunch of old rich dudes languishing with dinghies and butlers and stuff. One of the old rich dudes came up dinghy, and he was short, dinghy, and all Mafia-ish, and he said dinghy, “I’m the Board of Directors. Dinghy. And guess what?”

“Dinghy?” said Link. “I mean, what?”

“We fooled you!” Dinghy!

“Dinghy?” asked Zelda. “I mean, how so?”

“We weren’t really dinghy in trouble,” said the dinghy Board of dinghy Directors. “It was a joke dinghy!”

“That wasn’t very dinghy—nice,” said dinghy. Er, Link.

“Neither are we,” explained the Board of Dinghy, I mean, Directors. He cleared his dinghy. Throat. He cleared his throat. “Anydinghy, the reason we fooled you into coming here is because we wanted to dinghy say that we’re cutting the funding for this series after this one dinghies. I mean ends.”

Bill was dinghy. I mean furious. “Dinghy!?!?!?” he said, only he meant to say, “What!?” and without so many punctuation dinghies.

From this point forward, the text has been [amended] with brackets to show what they really [meant] and so you don’t have to omit all the dinghies yourself.

“Don’t [worry], you’ll still be a writer. Just that this [series] won’t be around any more,” said the [Board] of [Directors].

“What about [us]?” pleaded Link. “We [need] jobs, too!”

“You [can] stay, and so can [Zelda] and [Ganondorf]. And [Bill] too; he’s an author. We may be able to [find parts] for the rest of you, too.”

“Oh…” said Link. “[Well, that’s okay. I guess. Maybe].”

I apologize for the interruption, but I just can’t help myself. Dinghy. Thank you. We now return to TBPWPE7.

“So… does this mean we’re all [fired]?” asked Nabooru.

“I don’t wanna be [poor]!” shrieked an almost-sobbing Saria.

“[No, no, no],” said the Board of Directors. “You can [stay] here and be [waited] on by butlers and maids and [chefs] and stuff, and basically you don’t really have to do any work.”

“[Why]?” asked Darunia. “Why are [you] doing this for us?”

“Good [question],” said the Board of Directors. “Now [scram]. I mean [dinghy].”

Link et al [scrammed]. I mean [dinghied]. This is getting confusing, so I’ll stop with the dinghies now. Dinghy. No! Bad author! Bad! No biscuit!

Ahem. Terribly sorry about that, folks.

Link lolled about in their big house. “This,” he said with much understatement and verbosity, “sucks.”

“I know,” agreed Zelda, lolling equally lazily. “We didn’t even get to get married.”

“Maybe there’s still time…?”

“I called. They won’t be done until the next episode.”

Link laughed bitterly. “Well, we’ve still got jobs. And the others get to live in luxury comparable to what we’ve got here.”

Zelda sighed, and there was a long silence thing, broken only by Darunia’s feeble, half-hearted cry of, “I fixed the Parcheesi board, who wants to play?”

“I wonder what we’ll do next?” thought Ganondorf aloud, lazing on the couch.

“Shut up,” said Link.


“Well,” said Zelda, “Look on the bright side. We’ll probably get to meet a new cast.”

“Yeah,” agreed Link. “And we might get a boat or something. I always wanted a boat.”

“Really?” asked Ganondorf, who secretly aspired to be a boat salesman, but that was something I was saving for a later plotline.

“No.” Link considered something. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”

“I forget.”


There was another long silence.

“Last call for Parcheesi!” called Darunia from the top of the stairs.

“You want to play?” Link asked Zelda after about a second.

“Yeah, sure.” The two got up to play Parcheesi and left Ganondorf on the couch.

“Guys?” he called pathetically. “Guys…? Where’d you go? I’m lonely… and afraid…. I want my mommy!”

Upstairs was a regular mad house. For people who had just been canned, Our Heroes showed a lot of excitement. “Okay,” said Darunia. “We’ve got me on red, Malon on green, Impa on yellow, Nabooru on blue, Saria on purple, Link on other green, Zelda on pink, Dr. Death (who was in the bathroom that whole time) on white, the Boss on black, Rauru on orange, Bill on every other color, and dinghy on dinghy?”

The general chorus of “yep”s proved that he was correct in those assumptions, and no matter that Parcheesi is only for four players, and dinghy is neither a color nor a person.

And so they played.

Writing about board games is boring, so we’ll skip to Ganondorf’s whining except during the fistfights and those rare moments when there’s something exciting.

“I’m hungry!” moaned Ganondorf. “I’m too lazy to get off the couch! I’m bored!” Eventually he decided to get up and read the thesaurus, or maybe eat it.

Man, this is boring.

Impa smacked Nabooru full-armedly upside the chin with her fist. “That was not a five!” she demanded.

Nabooru, in turn, drew her sword and held it to Impa’s throat. “It was, and if you value your life you’ll admit it!”

Impa casually pushed the sword away from her neck. “It was a four and so’s your mother!”

Nabooru was furious. So furious she was like… coldly angry or something. “You have five seconds,” she said, her voice reflecting her mood, “to take that back. One.”



“Impa,” said Zelda, “please take it back.”

“Three. Four.”

Darunia, with large Goron hands, forced Impa and Nabooru to sit back down. “Stop it, you two,” he commanded. “Here. Re-roll.”

Let’s check on Ganondorf.

“Uh… ‘pitfall: syn. Lure, snare, wile, ambush, bait, intrigue, trick, trap, artifice, net, snare.’ ” Not noticing that he had said “snare” twice, he tore that page from the thesaurus, crumpled it up, and devoured it. “ ‘Pitiable….’ ”

Man, he is pathetic. Moving back to the Parcheesi game….

“What?” demanded Link. “What did I do?” A 16-ton eight hung over his head, waiting for Bill to write a single word for it to fall.

“You cheated, that’s what you did!” that was how Bill replied. Obviously, he was angry.

“I did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“I did not cheat!”

“You cheated!” Bill scribbled something and turned to his manuscript. “Look. Here. What’s that say, then?”

“It says, ‘and then Link cheated.’ But you just added that now— ”


“I bet you just wanted an excuse to drop that 16-ton weight on someone.”

Bill shuffled his feet. “Well, yeah…. I mean wouldn’t you?”

“Try Ganondorf.”

“Good idea.”

Meanwhile, downstairs….

“Um… ‘Wait: syn. Linger….’ ” Ganondorf could not finish because a 16-ton weight fell on him.

Meanwhile, upstairs….

“Looks like I win,” said the Boss.

“Congratulations!” said Link.

Bill then said, “You cheated.”

The Boss replied calmly, “You just want to drop another 16-ton weight.”

“No, you did cheat.”

“Prove it.”

Bill did so. “Ha. There.”


“Look, you want me to end this now?” Bill threatened. “I will, you know! I mean it!”

“You’re bluffing,” said Darunia.

“Watch me!”

The end.

Author’s note: there will be more, don’t panic, I’m just waiting until WW is out in Europe and Australia. Wouldn’t want to alienate that section of my reader base, now, would I? [Editor's note: this fic was written over a year ago. Go soak your head.]

“Ha! I knew you were bluffing!” said Darunia. A 16-ton weight fell on him, too, but it didn’t matter because he’s a Goron.

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