Stories by Chibi Sakura
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"Stupid Stuff"

Stupid Stuff

By: Chibi Sakura

 (crazy music plays and a man enters the room )
Man: Hey howdy hey! Welcome to Stupid Stuff. I'm your host, Stu Pidguy. Today, our guests are the characters from the popular game, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time!
(crowd cheers as the guests enter the room)

Stu Pidguy: Hi, gang. What are you guys doing today?

Link: We're talking to you. (drum and cymbal sound)

Zelda: I'm not a boy.

Stu: Well, now that that's finished, I'm gonna ask some questions. Ahem, what do you like better-

Malon: I have a bright yellow bra.

Stu: Um...that's nice, Malon.

Ganondorf: I have tie-dye boxers. Wanna see?

Stu: Listen, people, I wanna ask my question right now!

Nabooru: Ask away.

Stu: Ahem. What do you like better, public bathrooms or barf bags?

Link: Do trees count?

Stu: Moron! Trees don't count!

Link: But I only go to the bathroom behind trees.

Stu: For the last time, Link, trees can't count!

Impa: He meant, do trees count as a public bathroom?

Stu: (slaps his forehead) Oh I guess so! After all, trees are always free for everyone to enjoy.

Link: Even if someone uses them to go to the bathroom?

Stu: Yes! Now shut your mouth!

Zelda: (smacks Stu's butt) Never talk to Link like that! (smacks his butt again) Never ever!

Saria: I have to go potty!

Rauru: Can't you wait?

Saria:  (pee starts leaking out of her shorts) I have to go right now!

Rauru: (sighs and takes Saria's hand) I'll take you to the bathroom.

Saria: Hurry! My Pull Up is getting wet!

Stu: That kid is such an idiot!

Link: (bites Stu's hair and twists his arm and gives him a black eye) Don't say that about Saria!

Stu: Okay! I'm sorry for saying that! Now sit down!

(everyone sits down)

Ruto: Can I say something? I haven't said anything yet.

Link:  What do you want to say?

Ruto: I want to say this. Ahem, this!

Link: That's all?

Ruto: Well, didn't I say that I wanted to say: this?

Stu: Hah hah hah! That's the kind of behavior that's expected on Stupid Stuff! Now for my question. Ahem, why do I always say ahem before each question?

Darunia: Because it's your favorite word.

Stu: Is that what all of you said?

(everyone nods their heads)

Hah hah hah! That's wrong-o-mundo!

Nabooru: Sniff sniff. You're mean.

Stu: I'm a television host. I'm supposed to be mean.

Malon: I have a pet cow. Her name is Bessie.

Stu: What's that got to do with this question?

Malon: I think Bessie is a stupid name. And this is a show for being stupid, isn't it?

Stu: Yes...but I'm the one who does the stupid stuff, then you have time to be stupid.

Impa: Can you believe it? It costs $17.00 for a bottle of Flinstone vitamins! That's completly wrong!

Stu: Well, because of your stupidity, we only have time for one question. So, here it is. Ahem, do you like ichi-ban noodles?

Darunia: What kind of a question is that?

Link: A stupid one.

Malon: What's a ichi-ban?

Ganondorf: (picks his nose) Is this what you're talkin' about? (sticks the booger in Stu's face)

Stu: (pushes the booger away) Arg! Go away! This show if finished! I quit! (slams his coffee mug down as he exits the room.)

Link: (sighs) Well, not everyone likes ichi-ban noodles.

Everyone: (picks their noses) Nope!