Stories by Bongo Bill
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“The Really Really Bad Ganondorf Returns Story”

The Really Really Bad Ganondorf Returns Story

By: Bongo Bill

One day Link was walking through Hyrule Field when a huge black wormhole appeared in the fabric of space-time. To him, it seemed like it was just in front of him, but in fact it really was. The black wormhole was streaked with purple, when suddenly a large figure on a black horse rode out. The figure looked like Ganondorf, but only because he was.

“Ha ha ha! I have kidnapped the princess, Link, and now I will kill you! Ah ha ha!” he said. Ganondorf drew his long rune sword thingy and cut off Link’s head.

Before he knew what was happening, Link was in whatever that place is that people go when they are dead. A large sign overhead read, “Welcome to the Weird Surreal Limbo-Type Place of DOOM!” So there Link was, alone except for all the other billions of dead guys, in the Weird Surreal Limbo-Type Place of DOOM! “Great. Just great,” Link said, “now I’ll never save Zelda.”

“What are you talking about, Link? I’m right here!” said Zelda, whom Link had not noticed before.

“Well, I thought Ganondorf had just kidnapped you, not killed you. I was going to save you, but he cut off my head. See?” Link lifted his head off of his shoulders, then put it back.

“That’s really disgusting,” said Zelda.

“Thanks,” said Link.

“Anyway, he kidnapped my sister after I dived into the moat. When he found out that she wasn’t me, he killed her,” Zelda explained.

“You have a sister?” Link asked.

“Not anymore,” Zelda replied.

“Oh,” Link said.

“I assume you drowned when you fell into the moat?” Link also said.

“Yes,” answered Zelda.

“I forgot I didn’t know how to swim,” Zelda also said.

“I told you I should have taught you how,” Link said.

“Oh, no, here we go again,” Zelda moaned.

“You see, if you had just let me teach you how to swim, you wouldn’t be here right now. You’d be running for you life again,” Link continued.

“But noooooo, you said. Maybe some other time, you said. I’m too busy, you said,” Link continued some more.

“Link, please, can we just –” Zelda started.

“The next train for the Land of the Living is departing in fifteen minutes,” a voice from an unseen location said.

“I wonder if we can use that to come back to life and kill Ganondorf?” Link said.

“No sh*t, Sherlock,” the voice said.

“How do you pronounce an asterisk anyway?” Zelda wondered aloud.

“For that matter, who’s Sherlock?” Zelda also wondered aloud.

“Come on!” exclaimed Link.

“Five bucks for a ticket?” Link continued to exclaim, but to a different person this time.

“Yes, sir,” the until-recently-nonexistent ticket salesperson said.

Link mumbled to himself angrily until saying, “Fine! Here!” and handing the salesperson who once again became nonexistent.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, Link and Zelda were on a train.

“The train is leaving in ten minutes,” the voice said.

So Link and Zelda waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And then it was five minutes later.

“The train is leaving in five minutes,” the voice said.

“I wish I had a magazine,” Zelda said.

Abruptly, she had a copy of Happy Gardener Monthly in her hands. Not knowing what else to do, she opened it and read it.

“I wish I had a magazine,” Link said.

“Big deal,” a different voice than the one announcing the time until the train’s departure said.

So as Zelda sat there reading about how to get your Deku Babas to impersonate Piranha Plants, link sat there waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

Until eventually the voice said, “The train to the land of the living is departing now. Please remember that if you find the ride bumpy or turbulent, it’s your fault, not ours.”

Link looked out the window, until he remembered that there was no window. At that point, the window disappeared. Wondering how this had happened, he suddenly was hit by a flash of inspiration. “Ow!” he said. He then remembered that there were windows after all. A window appeared again. Link looked out. Then he remembered that outside of this window there should be a magazine rack, with al the magazines for free. That didn’t work. So then he remembered that he had a magazine of his own. A very old copy of National Geographic appeared in his hands. The headline read, “Franklin discovers electricity!” Wondering who Franklin was, he sat down on the comfortable chair he remembered and read his magazine.

He was just getting to the good part when Zelda interrupted him by saying, “Link, we’re almost there. Do you have everything you need to kill Ganondorf?”

Link remembered that he had everything he needed to kill Ganondorf and said, “Now I do.”

“We are about to arrive in the Land of the Living. Please remain seated,” said the voice, “or die.”

Some of the other passengers Link saw sat down, whereas others keeled over and kicked the proverbial bucket. Link and Zelda were of those former.

The doors on the train opened. A few of the passengers got up but they all died. Again. Link and Zelda remained seated.

“Thank you for riding with Bizarre and Surreal Rail. Please check you lederhosen at the front gate. You may stand up now. Those of you who died during the ride may now get up,” the voice said.

Most of the other passengers got up. And then the rest of them did. Link and Zelda were of the latter.

All the passengers went to the front gate and those who had lederhosen checked them.

Link and Zelda were abruptly placed at some undisclosed location in Hyrule. After Link consulted his magical map thingy, he decided that in order to get to Ganondorf, they would have to go northwest. Or maybe south. They decided to go northwest first.

They got on horses who were mysteriously standing there in a contrived manner. Then they rode northwest. Since they had their magazines and such leftover from the train ride, they took them out and read them. Link’s magazine fascinated him, and Zelda’s told her all about gardening.

Eventually Link finished his magazine and Zelda also finished hers and they were still not there yet. Link, finding that he still had a packet of surrealism in his pocket, used it to get them some food and a board game that they could play while on the backs of moving animals, since they were not only bored and hungry, but also on the backs of moving animals.

The two ate their nondescript food and played Parcheespoly. Link won the first game, but Zelda won the next one. Seeing that they had time for one more game before they arrived at Ganondorf’s castle, they played one more game.

Link, having lost the last game, went first. He rolled the dice. Eight. He advanced his token eight spaces. At which time a meteor crashed through the board, ruining the game.

“Darn. And I was winning, too,” Link said.

“You were not winning. I was” Zelda said.

“You hadn’t even rolled the dice,” Link said.

“So? You’re just afraid to admit that I’m better than you,” Zelda said.

“Am not,” Link said.

“Are too,” Zelda said.

“Prove it,” Link said.

“You haven’t admitted it yet, have you?” Zelda retorted.

“That’s because it’s not true,” Link said.

“You’re afraid,” Zelda said.

“You prove it,” Link said.

“Um...” Zelda began.

“Ha! I knew it,” Link gloated.

The rest of the journey was in silence. They didn’t even wait, they just sat there.

Eventually they came to the front door of Ganon’s castle. “We need disguises to sneak in,” Zelda suggested.

“I’ve got these fake mustaches,” Link offered.

“Perfect!” Zelda exclaimed.

And so, covered head to toe in fake mustaches, Link and Zelda knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” asked Ganondorf.

“Uh... Mustache Scouts, sir! Would you like to buy some fake mustaches?” Link asked.

“No,” Ganondorf said.

“Please?” Zelda begged.

“No,” Ganondorf said.

“Ten percent of the proceeds go to pushing small children in the mud,” Link lied.

“Really... I’ll take twenty,” Ganondorf said.

“Twenty fake mustaches... let’s see... that’ll be sixty rupees,” said Zelda.

Ganondorf gave her sixty rupees and Zelda gave him twenty fake mustaches.

As Link and Zelda were walking away from the castle, they both suddenly realized they had forgotten something.

But, they could not remember what it was.

So they sat and thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And suddenly it came to them. But they forgot it again. But then they remembered. They had forgotten to kill Ganondorf!

After berating themselves for their stupidity, Link and Zelda broke one of Ganondorf’s windows with a convenient rock. They climbed through, and Link took out the sword that was part of what he needed to kill Ganondorf. He walked up a very, very long flight of stairs, with Zelda not for behind. While they were walking up the stairs, they used the last of Link’s surrealism to give them both another magazine, which they both finished by the time they reached the top.

At the top of the stairs, Link drew the sword and stabbed Ganondorf, whose back was conveniently turned towards him.

“Blarg!” Ganondorf yelled.

“You have killed me again!” Ganondorf also yelled.

“I didn’t even have time to make another evil speech!” Ganondorf complained.

“Oh, all right, you can make your evil speech,” Link said.

“Thanks. Now, where to begin...” Ganondorf began.

“Well, after you sealed me away in the Sacred Realm, I was angry. So, I used my evil powers to return to the real world. Whereupon I captured and killed Zelda’s sister. And then I killed Link. Who just killed me. Again. Darn,” Ganondorf spoke.

“Is that the best you can do?” Zelda asked.

“Hey, you try writing an evil speech on such short notice!” Ganondorf gasped as he died.

After he died, there was a huge celebration. Yay.

The end. Yay. It’s finally over. Yay again. Oh boy. Oh rapture. Dance around in the streets and gorge yourself with anchovy paste, for the story has ended and so has you agony.