Breaking the Fourth Wall, 24 Hours a Day, Seven Days a Week!
The doorbell rang.
Link, being closest to the door, called, “I’ll get it!” and sat down the bubble pipe he was blowing while sitting in the unreasonably large recliner, and then got out of said recliner, and walked over to the front door, and opened it, and was very shocked by what he saw.
More specifically, Ganondorf wearing Mickey Mouse ears and a Disneyland t-shirt.
“Oh, hi,” said Link. “Where have you been all this time?”
“I got lost on the way to the bathroom,” explained the King of Evil, “but eventually I remembered that I have a bank account, so I overdrew it and went to Disneyland. Then I remembered where it was you were going, so I came here.”
“Well,” said Link, “that’s… great. How was Disneyland?”
“I don’t know,” said Ganondorf. “I only had time to buy some cheesy souvenirs before I remembered where it was I was supposed to go, and I had to rush here before I forgot.”
“Well, that’s a shame,” said Link. “We’ll have to go to Disneyland to make up for it.” Link didn’t stop to consider any ulterior motives; Ganondorf had gone clean, except for the occasional killing spree, and the man couldn’t scheme his way out of a medium-sized cardboard box. The main reason that nobody liked him was because he kept losing his car keys and making everybody take him places. Actually the part about the car keys isn’t true, because only Darunia among Our Heroes has a car, but I thought it would be funny if I said it.
Link turned around to spread the word. “Hey, everyone!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “We’re going to Disneyland!”
Immediately all the rest of Our Heroes rushed downstairs. “What?” asked Zelda.
“Technically,” pondered Impa, “aren’t we already on vacation?”
“Disneyland! Yay!” exclaimed Saria, who then proceeded to run up and down the stairs and all over Our Heroes’ new house with anticipation.
“That’s great!” said Darunia. “What’s Disneyland?”
Nabooru and Malon each said something, but it wasn’t important.
“That’s right, Disneyland!” replied Link, ignoring Darunia’s question. “Everybody pack your things. Nabooru, can that pilot you hired fly us there?”
“Yes, he can,” said Nabooru.
“Well, he won’t have to. We’re driving.”
“No, we’re not,” said Darunia.
“Yes, we are,” said Link.
Darunia considered Link’s logic. “All right,” he said at last.
“I think it would be faster if we flew,” said Impa.
“Impa’s right,” said Malon.
“She seems to do that a lot,” remarked Link. “Flying it is, then!”
Soon, everything out heroes would need for a week was packed and aboard Impa and Nabooru’s plane, which the latter had recently cleaned out of all the stolen goods.
The pilot, who was not related to Murray the Sign Painter, flew Our Heroes off to Disneyland.
Meanwhile, in the offices of your friend and mine, the Boss…
“Got any sixes?” asked Bill, author extraordinaire. This time he took the form of a tall man in black armor and a matching black mask which has become a staple in pop culture. His voice was deep and seemed unrelated to his slow, mechanical breathing.
“Go fish,” replied his companion, the Boss. The two, and their new evil secretary, Rauru, were seated in a circle around a desk with a deck of cards on it, each holding a hand of cards.
Bill reached a black-gloved hand towards the deck, but stopped suddenly. He clutched his chest, and fell down onto the floor, gasping. “Ack!” he gasped. “Author… powers… failing!”
“Uh-oh,” said the Boss. “Rauru! Give him CPR! Now! I’ll get the pizza!”
Rauru didn’t know CPR, so instead he gave Bill AFBTTH. That’s A Few Blows To The Head. It works just as well. The Boss momentarily returned with a pizza box. Pulling a slice out of it, he dropped it on Bill’s face.
Bill sputtered to life with a cough. He breathed deeply. “I’ve… never been to… Disneyland…” he managed to pant.
“Write yourself into a corner again, did you, Bill?” asked the Boss rhetorically.
Bill coughed and nodded affirmatively.
“Just write a summary,” said the Boss.
Bill coughed again and crawled weakly over to his own desk, where he managed to pull himself up and get a pen. “They had a great, if somewhat costly time, and came back a week later,” he wrote. Immediately his breathing became returned to its normal, unrelated-to-speech pace, and the author rose.
“How many times have I told you not to write about things you don’t know about?” asked the Boss condescendingly.
“Hey,” said Bill sullenly, “at least I didn’t die this time.” It wasn’t easy to convince a dead author to write himself back to life.
“Yeah,” said the Boss. “But I’m not entirely sure if all these summaries are good for you. Like they might have dramatic repercussions someday.”
“I’m an author,” said Bill. “What’s going to happen, they’ll drop an anvil on me? As long as they stay out of the real world, there’s nothing here that can harm me!”
“Don’t go around talking about the real world. You don’t know how they’re going to use that knowledge. I’ve lost one too many evil secretaries who killed themselves because they know they’re fiction.”
“You’re fiction, too, you know.”
“Yeah. But I’m your character. No matter what happens, I’ll live on in your head, or in whatever other characters you invent.”
“That’s a bunch of metaphysical mumbo-jumbo, you know.”
“Yeah,” said the Boss. “Well, why not make a story arc about one of those dramatic repercussions?”
“Sound a lot better than playing Go Fish all day,” agreed Bill. “Where’s my pen?”
“It’s in your hand.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Bill, looking at the pen in his hand, and then he began to write.
At that moment, who should walk in the door but Link? Well, actually, it wasn’t Link. It was actually a traveling insurance salesman.
“Get him out of here,” the Boss told Rauru.
Rauru ignored the salesman’s pitch and pressed a button on the arm of his chair, and a trapdoor opened beneath the salesman, where he fell to the alligator pit like the rest of them.
That was when Link came in. “Hey, Bill?” he asked, standing directly in the middle of the still-open trapdoor.
“Yeah?” called Bill.
“Yeah,” said Link, still evidently hovering, “I was just wondering why none of us can remember what happened while we were in Disneyland last week.”
“I’ve never been to Disneyland,” explained Bill, not looking up from his desk.
“Oh, I see,” said Link. “Well, I’ll see you around, then.”
“See ya, Link,” said Bill and the Boss in no particular order.
Link walked out the door, unaware that he had been pulling a Wile E. Coyote (a famous cartoon character who frequently staved off the pull of gravity for as long as five seconds before he fell off a cliff, usually accompanied by a large chin of rock) that whole time.
“You are aware that you just missed a great opportunity,” said the Boss.
“What?” said Bill, now finally looking up. He smacked his forehead. “Oh, crap! I smacked my forehead too hard!”
Link walked back to the house, since it was close by, and entered it. Zelda and Malon were both reclining, looking very bored.
“I’m bored,” said Malon.
“There’s nothing to do,” said Zelda.
Suddenly Link remembered something. “Hey, aren’t I engaged to one of you?” he asked. “I forget which.”
Zelda and Malon both simply blinked. With anyone who did not know Link, this would have been inexcusable. But before they said anything, Link got an idea.
“Here, I know. I’ll flip a coin. One of you call it in the air.” Link produce a quarter, and tossed it in the air in such a fashion that it would spin and land on a random side.
Now, it happened that Link tossed it extremely high, but even that won’t account for the extreme contrivance I’m about to write, so just bear with me, here.
“Heads!” shouted Zelda and Malon in unison. “Well, in that case, Tails!” they both said at the same time.
Link sighed. “Here, I’ll decide this. Heads, it’s Zelda. Tails, it’s Malon. Edge, it’s both of you. I think you can do that here.” Of course, Link had no idea whether polygamy was legal in the Magical City of Answers, but there was no reason to let them know that.
Then the coin began to fall. Zelda and Malon seemed to accept this, so they simply waited. Link caught the coin, and placed it on the back of his arm. For dramatic purposes, he waited a very long time. Eventually, though, he removed his arm, revealing what was on the side of the coin that was facing up.
There was nothing on the coin save a single word: “Loser.”
Link turned the coin over. This side also had nothing but the word “Loser.”
“That’s strange,” said Link. “I could have sworn this was a quarter.” He discarded the obviously counterfeit coin and reached into his pocket, producing another coin. After checking to see that this coin had both head and tail, he prepared to flip it, when suddenly he became aware that Zelda was trying to tell him something, and had been for a long time.
“Uh, Link?” she said, now that he had acknowledged her. “It was me you were engaged to, remember?”
Link thought about this, and his mind drifted to a certain night, some amount of time ago. The flashback sequence began during which time flashback-Link knelt before flashback-Zelda and proposed to her.
“Oh, yeah,” said the Link who was not in the flashback, just as the flashback ended. “I forgot.” Then something else occurred to him. “How do I know you’re not just saying that to spite Malon or something?”
“Because,” said Malon, “she’s right. I’m fairly certain you don’t love me.”
Link blinked once or twice. “You know, I think you’re right. I don’t.”
“Well,” said Darunia, walking down the stairs, “now that we’ve got that settled, we’re all still bored.”
“Well, actually,” said Link, “I was thinking we’d play a game of Parcheesi or something, and then maybe go and see a movie, and then, I dunno, teach Ganondorf to juggle or something.”
“I don’t think there’s enough time in the world for that last one,” said Malon, just as Ganondorf broke his arm trying to open a door and Impa had to rush in to give him medical attention. “And the rest doesn’t really seem like something to cure boredom. Maybe the movie, though.”
“All right,” agreed Link, “we’ll catch a movie. Darunia, you know where the paper is?”
The large Goron replied, “Nope.”
“Well, so much for that plan.”
Zelda then spoke up. “Actually, since we now know who Link is going to marry…” her voice took on a hint of eagerness, just a little, “…why don’t we have a wedding or something?”
Link was surprised. “You mean that’s the reason people get engaged? I thought it had something more to do with mud wrestling or… or the circus… or maybe mud wrestling at the circus… but yeah, that’s a good idea. Let’s do it!”
“I’m afraid that won’t be possible,” said Ganondorf evilly, descending the staircase. Halfway down he slipped on a banana peel and fell the rest of the way, then got up and brushed himself off.
“Why not?” asked Link, not aware that Ganondorf was trying to be evil again.
“I’ve blown it up.”
“Blown what up?”
“The wedding chapel.”
“That wasn’t very nice.”
“That wasn’t very nice,” mocked Ganondorf in a sarcastic, annoying voice. Then he switched back to his normal voice. “Well, I guess that’s too bad for you, then!”
Then Link realized something. “Are you trying to be evil again?”
“As a matter of fact, yes.”
“Well, good luck with that.” Link turned back to Darunia. “You know where the Parcheesi board is?”
“Uh.…” The Goron had to think about this for a while. “Didn’t we put it in that one room, with that one thing, and the other one, oh, what’s it called?”
“Truck?” guessed Malon.
“No…” said Darunia.
Zelda guessed, “Stove?”
“No, that’s not it…”
“Maybe… not likely though.”
Ganondorf reached into his pocket and somehow produced a Parcheesi board. “You mean, this?”
“Yeah,” said Link, “that’s it!”
“I guess you won’t be playing Parcheesi again… ever!” Ganondorf laughed evilly and a green flame enveloped the Parcheesi board. The flame subsided, but the board was still intact. “Hmm…” the King of Evil took a lighter from his other pocket and set fire to the Parcheesi board with that, but he had to drop it because it was too hot.
This was not good; the fire soon spread to the… oh, wait. Nevermind, there was a puddle of water there. Well, in any case the Parcheesi board was ruined.
“Well,” said Link dejectedly, “that sucks.”
“Wait a minute,” said Zelda. “Where’d that leak come from?”
“Oh yeah,” said Ganondorf, “I forgot to tell you. As part of my evil training, I brought Ruto back from the dead.”
All of Our Heroes who were not present suddenly came down, and everyone was staring at him. Link was furious, and it was reflected in his voice as he said, “You didn’t.”
Ganondorf laughed evilly again. “I did! And I’d do it again, too!”
Link drew his Master Sword and prepared to kill Ganondorf for this crime for which no one could provide any justification. However, he was halted as Ruto suddenly appeared from the puddle on the ground, with the wet, ashen remains of a Parcheesi board on her disproportionately huge head. “Hi!” she said in that excruciatingly annoying voice. “I’m back!”
All the world went completely silent. Not so much as a dog barking reached anyone’s ears. Link backed away slowly, his footsteps deafening in the eerie stunned silence.
Suddenly he broke into a run, and the sounds outside of Our Heroes’ house returned. Link eventually reached a telephone. He dialed a random number. “National Cheese Emporium,” said the person who answered it.
“Sorry, wrong number,” said Link hastily and dialed a different one.
“Dr. Death’s office,” said the receptionist on the other end of the line. “The veterinary clinic is down the street.”
“Get me Dr. Death,” said Link.
“Dr. Death is with a patient right now, would you like an appointment?”
“Tell him it’s an emergency.”
There was a pause. “Please hold.”
Some kind of music came out of the phone, and Link turned around to see that much to his revulsion, Ruto was slowly drawing nearer to him, her arms outstretched. Link turned back to the phone and began to sweat profusely as he panicked.
Just as Ruto was entering the room he was in, Dr. Death answered. “This is Dr. Death.”
“Doc?” said Link hysterically. “It’s me, Link. This is an emergency, get down here, quick. We’re in the only house in the city.”
“I’m on my way,” said the good doctor, who then hung up the phone.
Link put the phone back on the receiver and ran as though the very hounds of Hell were on his tail. As a matter of fact, he probably would have preferred that. Anything less scary than this that exists anywhere, he probably would have stood and faced. But Ruto was something for which even the Triforce of Courage (which he still had) was inadequate protection.
After he had been running for several minutes, a bat slammed into a window. Ganondorf, being the only one not still stunned by the evil they had witnessed, went to open the window and let the bat in.
The bat flew in and transformed into Dr. Death, in all his visually-impaired vampiric glory. “What seems to be the problem?” he asked Link as the latter ran by.
The next time Link passed, he shouted, “Ruto’s back from the dead!”
Link ran by again. “And this is bad… how?” asked the doctor.
Link ran by again. “Just bite her!” said Link.
Dr. Death said, “Okay,” and stopped Ruto with a blow to the head from a reflex tester. He wasted no time, and immediately bit the demon fish woman in the neck and sucked all her horribly twisted blood out. She fell to the floor, a lifeless husk. Not husk as in corn, but the other kind.
Dr. Death said, “All right. That’ll be eighty thousand rupees.”
“Hold on,” said Link. He went over to the rest of Our Heroes who weren’t Ganondorf, and found them still staring dumbfoundedly at the spot from which Ruto had come. “Um, guys?” he asked. “Hello?” He waved his hand in front of Zelda’s face. “Hello? Zelda? She’s dead again.” But none of them moved.
A thought crossed his easily-amused mind. He pushed Impa on the shoulder, and she fell to the ground, not moving a muscle. “Heh,” he said. “Cool.” Then he remembered the task at hand. “Right. The money.”
He turned to Ganondorf. “How come they’re not moving?” he asked.
Ganondorf sneered. “I put a spell on them.”
“Oh, well could you bring them back?”
“Sure. I mean, no.”
Link pulled out the Master Sword. “Don’t make me sure this…” he warned.
Ganondorf simply stared at the sword as though he were very, very afraid, which he was. He swallowed nervously and finally said, “All right.” The King of Evil snapped his fingers, and the rest of Our Heroes started moving again.
Link immediately went over to Zelda. “I called Dr. Death,” he explained, “and he killed Ruto for us, but he’s charging us eighty thousand rupees.”
“I see,” said Zelda. She pulled a wallet from out of nowhere, and from it an incredible amount of money spilled onto the ground. “Go and give this to him, and tell him if it’s too much to just keep the change.”
Link took the money (it was hard because he had to balance it all on his back) and dropped it at Dr. Death’s feet. “Here you go,” Link said. “Keep the change.”
And he did.
Well, everyone, that’s the end of this installment. But remember, if you enjoyed reading this half as much as I enjoyed writing it, then I enjoyed it twice as much as you. Ha ha ha.