Stories by Bongo Bill
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"Teh Best PWP Evar!!!!!!1"

Teh Best PWP Evar!!!!!!1

By: Bongo Bill

It was a bright and sunny day in the middle of nowhere, where nobody lives. Nothing happened there because nobody lives there, not even vultures. Which is exactly why our story does not take place here....

It was also bright and sunny at Hyrule Castle. Which was not at all odd since it was daytime. Due to contrivances beyond my control, all the main characters from Ocarina of Time (Except Navi because she was off at a “fairy convention” which was really a trap to kill them all) were there. And, as was to be expected, madness was king. Wait, no. Elvis was king. Well, madness reigned supreme anyhow.

“I wonder how we all got here,” wondered Link aloud.

“Shush!” shushed Zelda. “You know we’re not supposed to ask about that! The lawyers will eat us!”

“I don’t care!” Link snapped. “I’m finding out what we’re all doing here if it kills me!”

“It will kill you, you know.”

Link didn’t listen. “Hey! Everybody! What’s going on here? Why are we here?”

There was a long silence.

“Noooo!!!!” wailed someone, possibly Ganondorf, or possibly your mother. It’s not like it matters. “Now the lawyers are going to eat us!” Whoever it was then collapsed into a fit of sobbing and moaning.

“What lawyers?” Link asked. “I have never seen a lawyer anywhere near this castle!”

“They’re everywhere,” said Saria, looking around nervously. “They could be anyone... even Talon.”

Talon, of course, was sound asleep, but for once his snoring did not drown out all the sound.

“So?” asked Ingo. “If he’s a lawyer, what’s he gonna do? Snore all over us?”

“Exactly!” said Saria.

“Well it doesn’t matter!” said Link, lifting his shovel high over his head. “I’m getting to the bottom of this!” (Insert sound of rimshot) “Who’s with me!”

There was a chorus of “Me!”s and “I’ll come”s and “I guess”es.

“Then let’s get started!” Link said, and then started digging.

“I have just one question,” came the voice of Rauru from the back. “Can we stop for brunch first?”


Link put his shovel into the impeccably polished and very expensive tile floor.

“What are you doing to my beautiful floor!?” shrieked Zelda.

“I’m digging it up,” said Link simply as he removed another shovel of dirt.

“Oh. I thought you were stealing it.”

“Now why,” said Link as he took out yet another shovel of dirt, “would I do a thing like that?”

“I don’t know, maybe you wanted it for your house or something.”

Link stopped digging and stared at Zelda. “Zelda,” he said and paused for a second, “I live here now. Which,” he added, “is exactly why I am digging this hole.”

“I don’t get it,” said someone in the back with a shrill annoying voice that was perfect for annoying the hell out of Link. Ruto. “How will digging a hole help us find out what we’re doing here?”

Link sighed and was about to explain, when Impa, who was known for her impossibly long temper, said in a condescending tone of voice, “He’s digging because he’s trying to get to the bottom of this and when he gets there he’ll find the lawyers and the person who said that the lawyers would eat us if we asked why we were here, and then he’ll ask them why we’re here and we’ll all get eaten by the lawyers and Link, what the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” said Link as he removed yet another shovel of dirt form the now good-sized hole in the expensive fancy floor tiles.

Something moved by his leg, about where the extremities of the pile of dirt lay. He moved aside the dirt and found Saria lying there, covered in dirt. Well, not covered in dirt anymore, just dirty. “What were you doing under there?” he asked.

Saria said, “You buried me!”


“Oh, that’s it.”


A few hours later, Saria had been buried a few more times and the hole was now finally big enough for all of them to fit in it. Of course, it was a little tight, so Link had to ask them all to leave. “But don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of this!”

A few more hours passed, and Link struck something hard and wooden with his shovel. The entire room was filled with dirt, and Saria was probably suffocating. “I’ve found a tree!” exclaimed Link.

Malon came down, interrupting her frantic, if futile, search for Saria. “That’s a treasure chest,” she said before resuming her hunt.

“Cool! That’s even better!” Link hauled the chest out into the dirt, and opened it. Inside there was no money, or map, or anything that could possibly be of use.

“Damn,” Link said as he threw it aside, landing squarely on Ingo’s head and knocking him out colder even than Talon.

As he threw it, something fell out.

A brochure.

Zelda picked it up, and said, “Wait!” She read it aloud. “Yadda yadda, come to the Magical City of Answers, blah blah blah, dark alleys perfect for hiding in, free food, lots of fun for the kids, get a tan, et cetera et cetera, best beds in the world, lots of exquisite rocks, something or other, adventure, answers, and lawyers, ocean amusement park now hiring, legalese, ooh! Here’s something: beauty salons open 24/7. Should we go?”

Everybody, including Saria who had been rescued, jerked their heads at Zelda. They all rushed out, saying they were going to get packed.

“So I’ll just take that as a ‘yes,’” said Zelda as she went off to her own bedroom to try to break the world record for how much stuff could be fit in a single suitcase.

It was only a few minutes before everyone was packed.

Link carried everything on his person, stuffing his clean undergarments into one bottle and filling the rest with various hair products which he never used because he always wore a hat.

Darunia didn’t have anything.

Rauru succeeded in carrying a fridge on his back.

Ruto had no fewer than six suitcases, three filled to the brim with fish and ice to keep them cool with, and three stuffed with pictures of Link, some more appropriate than others. She had the fish because she was an inexperienced traveler and did not know that airline food is perfectly edible if your taste buds are, shall we say, slow, and that they would only be on the plane for four hours anyway.

Saria tried to convince Impa to pack for her but she failed, and so she had nothing and did not know it.

Impa had her pockets filled with the telltale unsightly bulges of Deku Nuts, and her head filled with daydreams of scaring the living daylights out of random passers-by.

Nobody knew where Nabooru was hiding what she had packed, nor did they care.

Zelda had indeed set the world record, and then broken it again; her two suitcases contained half the castle, plus a few dozen servants and chefs.

Malon has no suitcases, opting instead to carry her empty sacks of grain that were full of what she was bringing on the back of a few pack animals.

Talon was in one of those sacks of grain.

Ingo was still unconscious.

Ganondorf “lost” his briefcase, so he was carrying his bright pink girly stuff in his “Barbie” suitcase and his bright bluish girly stuff in his “Teletubbies” one. He claimed that this was all he could find; he had gotten these years ago when he was fervently hoping to get married and have a little girl. He might actually have been telling the truth.

Dampe the Grave Keeper wasn’t there.

Shiek was only a costume who, like everything else that belonged to Zelda, was stuffed inside her suitcases.

Mido was at his real home being a loser.

I can’t think of anyone else.

So they all started walking until Hyrule International Airport was invented and built, and then they got on an airplane and took their seats.

Link slept the whole time because he was damn tired.

Zelda and Malon, who were good friends, sat and talked the whole time.

Impa and Nabooru practiced for the upcoming Rock-Paper-Scissors Olympics in Elbonia.

Saria ran up and down the aisles until she passed just as the plane was landing.

Talon, too, slept through the flight and wound up with an enormous case of jet lag.

Ruto panicked and sort of spent the whole flight hugging her knees and wishing it were over.

Rauru emptied his fridge, and all the airline food on the plane, and almost caused a crash.

Darunia depressurized the cabin when he accidentally lost his balance when he was going to the lavatory. Fortunately they were already on the ground at the time.

And so they arrived at the Magical City of Answers.

At once they set out to find a hotel. And they were in luck; the city has no residents, only people who work there. The only place to live was in hotels. So they each got a room at the Generic Five-Star Resort and the next morning, they were off to find the lawyers, after which they would see the sights.

Link led the group first to the court. But nobody had committed any crimes lately, so there were no lawyers. Then he went back to the hotel and turned on the TV because he knew he was bound to see a commercial for lawyers sooner or later.

And he was right, for a change. Sooner or later, he saw one. At that very moment he set out down the street to the legal firm that he had seen advertised.

After a long and confusing process that left them all wondering what the hell had just happened, they were shown to a back room.

One of the lawyers, named Bob, said, “The lawyers are right in here.” And then he opened the door, pushed them all in one by one without any of them knowing (he was able to do this because lawyers are crafty, weasely little creatures) and locked them in.

And it was dark in there. Saria wet her small green skirt-pants-thingy, it was so dark. Darunia lit a match that he had smuggled in by keeping it in his mouth.

“Darunia!” Link shouted as he blew out the match. “You know those are illegal!”

“They are?” replied the confused Goron.

“No, they’re not! But it’s the principle of the thing!”

“I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I!”

Impa cut in, “I do. You see, matches are used to light things that you smoke, which are illegal. Therefore, matches are illegal. It’s just logic.”

“I get it!” exclaimed Darunia and Link in unison. “I have achieved a greater understanding!”

“That’s great,” said Nabooru. “Now all we need is a way out of this closet.”

“I was looking for food and I found this secret passage,” said Rauru timidly and weakly.

He opened it, and what should they see inside but a path made of yellow bricks through a long green field leading up to a huge greenish city thingy.

“We’re off to see the wizard,” they all sang badly out of tune, “The wonderful wizard of Oz!” At that point they stopped singing for they had forgotten the words.

And so, in a single line, one deep and... however many there were of them wide, and each arm in arm with the person to their collective lefts and rights, they skipped off down the road.

Along the way, they passed, in no particular order, a lion, a scarecrow, and a tin man.

The lion was so afraid of Darunia that he fainted and they thought he was dead and they stopped to bury him.

The scarecrow just sort of stood there waving like a brainless inanimate object.

The tin man couldn’t move but he seethed with hatred and envy for these people who didn’t need oil to walk around.

Eventually they came to the huge greenish city thingy.

They went in, and a little Oopmaloompa cheerfully distributed faulty 3-D glasses; they only had one color: green.

They walked all the way to the big greenish palace at the center of the huge greenish city thingy and they were invited in.

They all walked along to the throne room place, but you could never tell it was a throne room because there was a huge floating head in it instead of a throne. A better name for it would have been the “floating head room.”

“What? Who’s there? I can’t see. Where are my glasses?” boomed the floating head in a voice like a mix between Jabba the Hutt, Frosty the Snowman, and a mime. Two little Oompaloompas scurried in with a large pair of spectacles and a ladder. Climbing up the ladder, the put the spectacles on the floating head and then scurried off with the ladder. “Now then,” continued the head, “What can I do for you?”

“We’d like to, um,” Link began. He turned to the others. “What do we want?”

All sorts of answers came back, everything from Link’s hand in marriage to—get this—going back to the Magical City of Answers.

After much deliberation and a few arm-wrestling matches, it was decided that they would wish for a truckload of rocks.

“We’d like a truckload of rocks,” said Link to the head.

“Anything else?” said the booming giant floating beheaded voice that was like Jabba the Hutt, Frosty the Snowman, and a mime.

“You mean we get more than one wish?”

“Well, since your one wish was so easy...”

“Then I wish to go back to the Magical City of Answers!” said Link. Everyone else behind him looked very angry, and he could not understand why. They had all agreed on going back, even if the only thing they agreed on was that they didn’t want to do it.

“Okay,” said the giant floating disembodied head. “Get me a working truck full of rocks with room for these people!” he called to the Oompaloompas.

Not much longer and they were all in a truck full of rocks driving back to the Magical City of Answers.

The trip back was very short and uneventful, because the Big Green Palace Place was in the center of Magical City of Answers.

They drove the truck full of rocks back to the law firm and parked it there. “I’ll guard the rocks,” called Darunia to the others.

“Um, me too!” said Darunia who was too hungry to do this sort of thing.

They went in, but instead of going back into the closet, Link put his sword to the throat of the lawyer they had seen earlier. “Why,” he asked, “were we threatened to be eaten by lawyers?”

“I—I—I—I—I—I don’t know,” said the lawyer.

Link pressed his sword a little closer to the lawyer’s throat. “Th—th—th—the Boss might know.”

Link took his sword off the guy’s neck and led the group to the elevator. Soft, soothing elevator music filled their ears. Saria wanted to press the button, but Ruto wouldn’t let her; she wanted to press it instead. So they got in a great big fight and Link ended up having to press the button.

For fifty-three and a half stories they rose until the elevator got stuck and the Clown Fire Brigade had to get them out and up the remaining three and a half floors. They passed the time with a conveniently provided ping-pong table.

But eventually they made it to the Boss’ Office. The door to the Boss’ Office was actually a large doorway made with the skulls of dead rodents.

They walked nervously through the doorway, and wandered down a long straight corridor decorated with fun-house mirrors, and sure enough, they got lost. But eventually they remembered that the corridor was straight.

At the end of the corridor was a dimly lit room with a black leather chair facing a fireplace on the far end of the wall. “Enter,” said a voice that did not belong to the Boss, because the person in the chair had said it and the person in the chair was the Boss’ secretary.

The chair slowly swiveled, revealing the most beautiful woman Link had ever seen sitting evilly in the evil chair, stroking an evil cat. “Do you have an appointment?”

Now if Link had not been engaged to Zelda, or maybe Malon, he couldn’t think straightly enough to remember, he would have fallen in love with the secretary immediately. Instead, he merely ogled at her.

“We want to see the Boss,” said Zelda.

“Do you have an appointment?” said the evil secretary evilly.

“No,” said Malon.

“Then you can’t see the boss.”

“I got your appointment right here,” said Impa.

The evil secretary was confused. “You just said you—” she was unable to finish what she was saying because Impa had just shoved a brick down her evil throat.

The evil cat hissed and it, too, got a brick. Isn’t Impa generous, giving away bricks like that?

The fireplace slid up the wall and a handsome young man in an expensive Italian suit stepped out. “You killed my secretary,” he said.

Link managed to stop ogling at the dead evil secretary. “Yeah, we did.”

“Just so you know. My name is the Boss. How do you do?” the Boss extended his hand for Link to shake it.

Link did not shake, instead saying, “We want to know why we were being threatened to be eaten by your lawyers.”

“I won’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Not unless you shake my hand first.”

Link shrugged and shook the Boss’ hand.

“Now, what was your question again?” said the Boss.

“We were being threatened to be eaten by lawyers if we asked why we were all living in Zelda’s castle,” explained Link. “So we came here.”

“Eaten by lawyers...” mused the Boss. “This can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that?” said all the Zelda characters who were present in unison.

“I’ll show you,” said the Boss. “Bill!”

A few seconds later, a funny little man hobbled out of the Boss’ door like some kind of a hairless chimpanzee wearing jeans. “Yes, Boss?”

“Bill, did you threaten to feed these nice people to lawyers?”

“Um...” said Bill. He abruptly pointed to a random spot on the wall. “Look over there!” Nobody looked.

Bill ran out the window anyway and fell fifty-seven stories to the street below. Miraculously, he survived unharmed and scurried off to the End of the World, where he now lives with his pet rock and a steadily depleting supply of canned beets.

Then the Boss read the above paragraph. “Now wait just one minute,” he said annoyedly. “Bill, get your sorry ass back here, on the double!”

Bill heard this and edited the paragraph in question to say, “Bill ran to the window anyway but bumped his head on the triple-thick bulletproof glass and thusly failed to escape.” Even as he wrote, Bill appeared back in the Boss’ late secretary’s office with a nasty bump on his head. He rose to his full height, nearly as tall as Darunia would be if the Goron were up here on the fifty-seventh floor, and stood meekly in front of the Boss. “Yes, sir?” he said timidly.

“Bill,” said the Boss, “did you threaten these people by saying they would be devoured by lawyers?”

“Umm... those weren’t my exact words, but yeah....”

“And did you intend to carry out your threat?”

“Yes, sir....”

“And why did you threaten to have them devoured by lawyers?”

“I... I... I couldn’t think of a reason they would all be living in the castle!” And with that, Bill collapsed into a sobbing heap of flesh and clothing at the Boss’ feet. “Please don’t hang me by my toenails out the forty-third window from the flag of Albania wearing leopard-spotted boxers, sir! I’ll never do it again, I swear!”

“Bill,” said the Boss.

“Please, sir!” pleaded Bill.

“Get back to work.”

Bill stood back up, and returned to his usual ape-like posture. “Yes, sir!” Bill then scurried off, and sat at his desk.

Link was more confused than normal. “What,” he asked, “was that all about?”

The Boss replied simply, “Bill is an author. He writes stories, such as the one you and I are in now. He seems to think I am to be obeyed just because my name is ‘the Boss.’ Come to think of it, everybody seems to think that.”

“So nobody knows why we were all living in Zelda’s castle?”

“Oh, I’m sure someone will, once Bill thinks of it.”

But Bill never did think of it, so he came out to the office where Link and the others were, and said, “Sorry. I got nothing. I can give you a plotline in which you almost find out, if you want, though.”

“It’s all right, man. Maybe later,” said Link.

Bill walked back in, and the Boss said, “Well, if there’s anything I can do for you, just ask.”

Link thought long and hard about this, but eventually he said, “In the Kokiri Forest there’s this annoying little kid named Mido. I want you to do that thing Bill was talking about earlier to him.”

“You mean hanging him up by the toenails from the flag of Albania out the forty-third story window in nothing but leopard-print boxers?”

“Yeah, what you said.”

“You got it.”

With that, Link and the others went back down to the truck, and Darunia drove them back to the hotel.

Meanwhile, in the Kokiri Forest, Mido lolled on his bad, and was bored. With Link gone off to the Castle for whatever reason he had nothing to do. He wished something would happen.

Without warning two large men in very fancy black Italian suits and sunglasses broke into his room. Finally, something was happening. One of them put him in a headlock and the other one put a gun to his forehead.

They carried him out to their limousine, tied him up, and stuffed him in the trunk.

With a screech, they drove off to the Magical City of Answers.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, everybody was sort of sitting around, because they needed a break from all this lawyer business. Rauru, not surprisingly, had wedged himself in the fridge and gotten stuck. Link and Darunia, sitting on the couch, munching salty foods, and watching some Zora sporting event that Link didn’t recognize, knew he would start whimpering in about an hour after he couldn’t reach what remained of the food, and it would be up to them to get him out, as usual.

Zelda and Malon sat on a couch in the other room, reading a brochure and trying to decide what to do next while Saria read a book on the rug. Impa and Nabooru were sitting in the nearby overstuffed chairs, training harder than ever for the Rock-Paper-Scissors Olympics in Elbonia. Nobody knew, or cared, where Ruto was.

In a break between the frantic training, Impa happened to see the date. “Nobembruary the forty-eight? Omigod, Nabooru, we’ve got a plane to catch! The Olympics is tomorrow!” Both women leapt from their chairs and ran around like beheaded chickens until finally a commercial happened in the game, and Darunia picked them up and put them in his truck. (They were still panicking at the time.)

They got in the Elbonia Air line. “First class or coach?” asked the person who was distributing the tickets.

“First class,” they both said.

They paid, and then Impa, Nabooru, and their baggage were led out back to a large slingshot, which they got on and which then shot them clear to Elbonia. They landed up to their waists in mud.

“Welcome to Elbonia,” said a local mud farmer. “You here for the Olympics?”

“Yes, we are,” said Impa.

“Okay then. You’re gonna want to go down Mud Road for about half a mile, then turn left on Mud Avenue, and hang a right at Mud Street, and then cut through the mud field to get to The Boulevard of Mud, and keep heading east. Can’t miss it; it’s the only thing around here that’s not mud.”

“Thanks,” said Nabooru.

They followed the mud farmer’s instructions and came to a huge arena where the Rock-Paper-Scissors Olympics were to be held.

To make a long story short, the next day, they were competing. All the Elbonians wore mittens, so it was no trouble beating them. That Terminian guy with six fingers looked tough, but he was disqualified for taking steroids. Eventually it came down to Impa and Nabooru.

“Rock!” said Nabooru, at the same time as Impa said, “Paper!”

There was a stunned silence throughout the arena. It was not broken until Nabooru managed to regain her senses just enough to wail, “Nooooo!”

The Gerudo chief drew hew curved swords and prepared to KILL Impa.

She never had a chance.

Referees swarmed her within seconds but later at the trial she pleaded “temporary insanity” so she got to keep the Silver.

Back in the Magical City of Answers, Darunia was driving back to the hotel. He could have sworn he saw a little kid with no shirt hanging out of the window of the building they had gone to earlier that day. Probably just his imagination.

He returned to the hotel room to find Link desperately struggling to remove Rauru from the refrigerator. On the table not far from him was an open can of axle grease, some of the contents of which now covered Rauru. “Gimme a hand here, will ya?” he said.

Darunia grabbed Rauru by his plus-sized waist and yanked a few times, and then took a break, and yanked a few more times, a little bit harder, and finally, with a strange noise and a grunt on the part of Darunia, Rauru popped free.

“Whew,” gasped Darunia. Is it just me, or was he harder to get out this time?”

“We need to do something about you, big guy,” said Link to Rauru.

“Ugh...” moaned Rauru. “I can’t hear a word you’re saying since my stomach hurts so bad...”

“Uh-oh,” said Link. “That can’t be good. A stomach his size in even a little bit of pain must be unbearable. We’ll have to take him to the doctor.”

Link told Zelda and Malon what they were doing, and he and Darunia put Rauru in the back of the truck and they drove off to the doctor.

“The veterinary clinic’s down the street,” said the physician’s receptionist.

“Ugh...” groaned Rauru.

“He’s not—oof—an animal, ma’am,” said Link as he shifted Rauru’s weight on his shoulders (Darunia was doing most of the work, but he didn’t mind), “He’s just fat. And he’s also ill. Is the doctor in?”

The receptionist stared thought about this for a second, looking coldly at Rauru. “He is. But the veterinary clinic is still down the street.”

“We’ll remember that,” said Darunia. “Um... can we see the doctor?”

“Ohhhh! You want to see the doctor?”

“Yes,” said Link, nodding warily.

“Very well. Dr. Death? A patient,” called the receptionist.

A few moments later she said, “The doctor will see you now.”

Link and Darunia carried Rauru into Dr. Death’s office, not the least bit worried about his name or his shifty, kind of stupid appearance. Their mind was on other, more important matters.

I wonder what’s for dinner, thought Link.

Something was wrong with that waiting room, thought Darunia.

“Now, what seems to be the problem, Mr....” Began Dr. Death.

“Link,” said Link, “But I’m not the sick one. He is.” He indicated the huge lump of blubber on his and Darunia’s shoulders.

“I see. Have a seat.”

Link and Darunia put Rauru down on the floor, since they were worried he might have broken the cool cabinet thingy if they put him on that.

“Now then,” said the doctor again, “what seems to be the problem.”

“Ugh...” said Rauru. “My stomach hurts, and I don’t know why you’re talking to that scale.”

Dr. Death squinted at the scale he seemed to have just asked “what seems to be the problem?” at. Then he exclaimed, “Why, so I am!” And he told Rauru to say “ah” and open wide.

Rauru opened his mouth.

“No, no, no!” snapped the doctor. “I said, ‘say “ah” and open wide!’ What’s wrong with you?”

Rauru sort of made a mooing kind of sound as he tried to say “ah” without first opening his mouth.

“Close enough,” said the doctor. “Now then. What seems to be the problem?”

Rauru said, “My stomach hurts,” but the doctor whacked the round little man over the head with a reflex tester.

“Did I say you could close your mouth? Now.” He handed Rauru a box of pills. “Feed these to your dog.”

“But—ugh—I don’t have a dog,” Rauru creaked. Great. Now his voice was acting up too.

“Then give me those pills back!” Rauru complied. “It’s obvious to me that you need to lose some weight. That will be twenty rupees, please.”

“What?” said Link, outraged. “Twenty rupees, just so you could prove you’re a moron and tell us something we already know? That’s outrageous!”

“You have to admit, though,” said Darunia, “it was pretty funny.”

“That it was. I guess it’s okay then.” Link handed Dr. Death his twenty rupees, and he and Darunia carried Rauru out of the office.

Darunia was just getting into the truck when it hit him. “There was a coffin in that waiting room!” he said suddenly.

“Was there?” said Link.

“I think so.”

“So the doctor’s a vampire. Big deal. He gave us good advice.”

“What if he stole our souls without us knowing?”

“Vampires can’t steal souls. Besides, we’d know if he had.”


They drove off to the nearby gym, and left Rauru there.

“We’ll come get you in a week,” they said.

“So, what do you want to do?” said Link.

“I dunno, what do you want to do?” asked Darunia.

“You want to catch a movie or something?”

“If there’s anything good showing.”

“You got the paper?”

“Right here.” Darunia handed Link the paper.

Link turned to the movies section, and began looking at the movies that were playing. “Let’s see... hmm... no good. Seen it. No. Nope.”

This continued for a few minutes until he said, “Well, I’ve narrowed it down to a horror movie, an action movie, and a comedy.”

“Hmm...” mused Darunia. “Let’s watch all three.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

They parked the truck and got in line at the Gigaplex and immediately got in line behind a bunch of nerds dressed up as aliens and/or Mythical Creature Things. There they waited for no less than six hours, possibly more.

Back in the hotel room, Zelda was walking along the hallway when she noticed that the bathroom was leaking. “Malon,” she asked, “Why is the bathroom leaking?” And she was just about to open the door when a nearby closet sprung open and Ruto came out.

The Zora princess shrieked, “Don’t open it!”

Zelda and Malon (who had just arrived) said, “Why not?”

Then they added, “And what were you doing in the closet?”

“What I was doing in the closet,” said Ruto, “is none of your business. But as for the bathroom, I flooded it.”

“Why did you flood the bathroom?” asked Zelda.

“So you wouldn’t have to.”

“What made you think we would flood the bathroom anyway?”

“Well, somebody had to!”

Malon cut in, “Nobody had to flood the bathroom.”

“Well it’s certainly not going to flood itself, that’s for sure!” countered Ruto.

“Irregardless,” said Zelda, “flooding the bathroom is bad. Now clean it up.”

Ruto stubbornly stuck out her lower lip and crossed her arms like some kind of stuck-up fish princess thing. Wait, she is one of those. Well, she stubbornly stuck out her lower lip and crossed her arms anyway.

“Clean it up,” said Zelda more sternly.

Ruto turned around.

“Fine. We’ll just see who gets stuck with the blame once Saria has to go.”

Let us leave this little drama for the time being and check on Link and Darunia.

“Man, this line must have been here for weeks!” exclaimed Link.

“I know,” agreed Darunia. “It goes all the way around the block, and the around the one after that!”

“This is just crazy.”

A local nerd dressed up as a slug-alien thing crawled along the ground, oozing a trail of slime. It tried to climb up Link’s leg. “Surrender your spot in line or I will disintegrate you!” commanded the nerd.

On second thought, let’s see what Nabooru and Impa are up to.

“Yes, I’d like to buy two first-class tickets to the Magical City of Answers, please,” said Impa.

The person who was selling the Elbonia Airlines plane tickets at Mud International Airport said back to her, “The next flight is booked solid.”

“How about the one after that?”


“When is the next flight back to the Magical City of Answers that’s not full?”

“Middle of July.”

I guess there’s just not much going on to Our Heroes right now. Or maybe I’m just suffering from a mild case of writer’s block. Here, I’ll tell you what. I’ll get back to you in the sequel. How’s that?


To Be Continued and/or Concluded.