Chapter 7
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What would happen if Sheik had a secret obsession for the Mission Impossible theme?
Wonder no more! You'll see how even the deepest, most mysterious characters can dance to good tunes!
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Link awoke to find himself on top of a platform in the middle of a room unlike any Link had seen before. All around him, Link could see various waterfalls falling down into what looked like a bottomless pit. He happened to be on top of a Triforce symbol on the floor, which was surrounded by some circular pedestals. He stood up and took a closer look at his surroundings. Navi was beside him, however, she was still half asleep, as far as he could tell. However, this entire time, Link had neglected to notice an old man standing before him.

"Link…" the man said to Link, "Wake up… Link, the Chosen One…"

Link spun around, saw this man, and promptly fell over backwards.

"AAAHHHHHHHH—Whoa, did my voice just drop a couple of octaves?" Link paused.

"Erm, yes, I guess to you, it did seem like your voice dropped a couple of octaves," the old man paused.

Link stood, speechless, for a couple of seconds, "Now this is weird… Anyway, just who are you?"

"I am Rauru, one of the ancient sages…" the man said.

"Well, then, Mister Rayru, in case you haven't already noticed, I already am awake," Link said, "And see, Navi is too! Isn't that right, Navi?"

Navi rolled over in her sleep, "…Just ten more minutes…"

"Okay, maybe not her as much as me," Link said, "Anyway, sure, you may be 'ancient', but isn't that a bit of an understatement?"

"What is it that you are trying to imply in that statement?" Rauru asked.

"Look at you!" Link flung out his arms at Rauru, "Look at all those lines on your face! Look at that hair! You're even worse than that one guy in market town!! How old are you, sixty?!"

"…Sixty?" Rauru blinked.

Link's jaw dropped, "Wait, seventy?!"

"What do you find so perplexing about seventy?" Rauru asked.

Link slapped his forehead, "No, no, you can't possibly be…80!!!"

Rauru sighed, "Oh that's right, I forgot that the average Humanoid Life-Span of our times is somewhere within the mid forties…"

Link's eyes widened, "Oh crap, you're even older than that, aren't you?"

"Link, Chosen One, my age does not bear any concern of what I am about to tell you," Rauru raised his voice.

Link looked at Rauru with watered eyes.

"…But if you must know, my two hundred and fifty-third birthday was last week."

Link fainted.

Navi stretched her arms, "Oh, boy, that was the best sleep in ages!"

Navi turned to the fainted Kokiri in green.

"Huh, I guess he isn't up yet," Navi pondered.

Rauru sighed, "Well, would you be so kind as to awaken him for me?"

"Pfft, that's easy," Navi smiled.

Navi began bouncing up and down on Link's body. Link twitched.

"Huh," Navi put her hands on her hips, "I thought that would have worked."

Rauru stared.

"Hmmm," Navi paused, "Maybe this will work."

Navi inhaled deeply.

"HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT!!! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT!!!" Navi yelled into Link's ears.

Link sat bolt upright, covering his ears.

"What is that UNGODDESSLY racket?!?" Link exclaimed.

Navi smirked, "Rise and shine, sleepy head."

"Now, as I was saying," Rauru said.

Link's head dropped, "No! It wasn't a nightmare!!"

Rauru glared at Link, "Pardon me?!"

"Nothing," Link said.

"Ages ago, we ancient sages built the Temple of Time to protect the entrance to the Sacred Realm…" Rauru huffed.

"Crap…" Link groaned, "More mumbo jumbo about that dang old Sacred Realm…"

"Link, if the game designers mention it this often, it usually means that it's important," Navi sighed.

"But it's boring…" Link sighed.

"This is the Chamber of Sages, inside the Temple of Light…" Rauru said, "The Temple of Light, situated in the very center of the Sacred Realm, is the last stronghold against Ganondorf's evil forces."

Link blinked, "Wait, when did he take over?"

"The Master Sword—the evil-destroying sword that you pulled out of the Pedestal of Time was the final key to the Sacred Realm," Rauru said.

"See?!" Navi hit Link's arm, "I told you we should have gone to the mall first!!"

"Aww, man…" Link groaned, "Why don't I listen to you more often?"

Rauru cleared his voice in order to get Link's attention.

"Link…don't be alarmed…look at yourself…!" Rauru exclaimed.

Link looked down at his torso, and examined his body.

"I don't see anything different—wait," Link paused, "Where'd I get this white shirt? Or these Gauntlets? Or these—Navi, what are these?"

Navi looked where Link was pointing, "Those are leggings."

"Yeah, what she said," Link said.

"Chosen One, that is not what I meant when I said look at yourself," Rauru said.

"Did you buy me clothes?" Link asked.

Rauru sighed, "That is not the point."

"…Did you put them on me too?" Link asked.

"That is not the point either."

"Seriously, sir, nothing about Link has cha—HOLY CRAP!!!!" Navi exclaimed.

Link looked around, "What?! What?! What is it?!"

"Y-Y-You're face! Look at it!!" Navi gaped.

"Wish I could," Link said, "Anyways, what's wrong with it?!"

"Look, Link," Navi sighed, "I don't know any other way to tell you this any other way… You're big now."

Link cocked his head, "Big?"

Navi groaned, "Look, you've grown up, okay?"

"Seven years older, to be precise," Rauru told Link. "I guess you're about halfway through the average lifespan, aren't you?"

"Navi?"

"Yes, Link?"

"Do I look hot?" Link asked.

"…I'm a fairy!" Navi exclaimed, "I wouldn't be able to tell!"

"But am I?"

"I dunno!"

Rauru cleared his throat once more.

"The Master Sword is a sacred blade, which evil ones may never touch…. Only ones worthy of the title of 'The Hero of Time' can pull it from the Pedestal of Time," Rauru said.

"Sweet!" Link exclaimed, "I'm like King Arthur!!"

"Link, who on Hyrule is King Arthur?" Navi asked.

"I have no clue," Link said, "But he's like me…I think…"

"However," Rauru said, "you were too young to be the Hero of Time…therefore, your spirit was sealed here for seven years."

"Wouldn't it have been easier for the Goddesses to just tell me to come back in seven years?" Link asked, "Rather than waste time and funds on keeping me asleep?"

Rauru glared at Link.

"Sorry."

"…And now that you are old enough, the time has come for you to awaken as the Hero of Time! Well, do you understand your destiny?" Rauru asked.

"Of course not," Navi said.

"Navi, I know that I just apparently slept for seven years, but besides that, what on Hyrule does the title 'Hero of Time' have anything to do with me?" Link asked, "It's not like I can control how long I sleep. I don't even own an alarm clock!"

"That's because they haven't been invented yet, Link," Navi said.

"Oh."

"But, remember… though you opened the Door of Time in the name of peace…Ganondorf, the Gerudo King of Thieves, used it to enter this forbidden Sacred Realm!" Rauru said, "He obtained the Triforce from the Temple of Light, and with its power, he became the Kind of Evil..."

"Holy crap, how in the Din's Lair is anyone going to fix that!?" Link exclaimed.

"There goes Zelda's Triforce…" Navi said.

"His evil power radiated from the Temples of Hyrule, and in seven short years, it transformed Hyrule into a world of monsters," Rauru said, "My power now only has little influence, even in this Sacred Realm…namely, this Chamber of Sages. But there is still hope…"

"HOW?!" Link yelled.

"The power of the Sages remains. When the power of all the Sages is awakened…the Sages' seals will contain all the evil power in the void of the Realm. I, Rauru, am one of the Sages…and… your power to fight together with the Sages makes you the Hero of Time!" Rauru said, "The Hero of Time, chosen by the Master Sword! Keep my spirit with you… and, find the power of the other Sages and add their might to your own!"

Rauru lifted his arms in the air and down descended a small yellow disc. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUHHH!!! Link received the Medallion of Light. Upon closer examination, one can see a faint glow.

"I still don't see how anything I do will help at all," Link said.

With that, Link was warped in to the room where Link pulled up the Master Sword, in the Temple of Time.

"Link…we're back in the Temple of Time…" Navi said.

Link asked, "But has seven years really past?"

Navi nodded, "It looks like you won't be able to use some of the weapons you found as a kid anymore…"

"Like what?" Link put his hands on his hips.

"Well, your Kokiri Shield for one thing," Navi said.

Link pulled out his shield, "What's wrong with it—…oh."

Link held up his shield. It was only slightly bigger than his face.

"Yeah, see?" Navi flew up to it, "It won't even make a suitable arm guard anymore."

Link paused, "I seemed to remember it being bigger than this…"

"No duh," Navi said.

"Okay, so it's the size of a dinner plate," Link sighed, "That still doesn't mean it won't make a good hat. Or better yet! A hat guard!"

Link put his Kokiri Shield on his hat.

"Ha ha!" Link exclaimed, "Let's see the stampeding Skulltulas take my hat now!"

Navi glared at Link, "Take that off your head before you embarrass us any further."

Link lowered the shield, "Okay fine. But what about my Slingshot?"

Link rummaged through his pockets and discovered that the slingshot he had never technically acquired had been crushed under Link's weight for seven years. Link lifted its crumbled remains out of his pocket and played with it with his fingers.

"Navi, I think I need to go on a diet," Link said.

"B-bu-but Link!" Navi exclaimed, "You haven't eaten in seven years! Heck, I haven't seen you eat since we left the forest!"

"That still doesn't mean that I shouldn't go on a diet," Link nodded.

"Link, let's keep moving," Navi sighed.

"Eh, sure," Link shrugged.

Link walked over to the opening in the Door of Time. However, instead he found an inconspicuous wall.

Link put his hands on his hips, "Hmmm, I seem to remember a door here…"

Navi raised her eyebrow, "How come it sealed itself shut?"

"Relax, Navi," Link said, "Maybe over the years, the Temple's Cleaning Staff decided to come around and actually manage the place."

"I doubt it, Link," Navi said, "The place looked like it had completely abandoned for years back when you were a shrimp," Navi looked at corner, "Is it just me, or has that cobweb gotten ten times bigger?"

Link stroked his chin, "Do you think someone stole the Stones from the Temple's Altar? After all, we needed those things in order to open this door in the first place."

"Link, you're newfound intelligence is creeping me out. Stop it," Navi said.

"But—"

"Just do manly things, like break down the door," Navi said, "And hopefully, you'll lose a few brain cells while you're at it."

"Okay!" Link exclaimed.

Link took a few steps back, and then charged towards the door. WHAM! No budge. Link ran a few more meters away, and then charged towards the Door of Time once more. WHAM! Still nothing. Link ran even farther away. Behind him, however, a mysterious figure dropped from the ceiling. Link charged for the door once more. WHHAAMM!

"Not a scratch," Link said.

Navi flew up to the top of the screen, "I think you lost a heart on that last one."

Link sighed, "Well, that didn't work. Here, let's try bombs."

The figure standing behind him cleared their throat. Link spun on the spot to gaze upon the figure behind him. In surprise, Link drew his sword—the Master Sword.

"LINK!!! Stop drawing whenever the authoress wants you to pull out your sword!" Navi yelled.

Link peeked out from his moth-eaten sketchpad, "Is that what she wants me to do?"

The figure before Link coughed loudly.

"Sorry," Link said, "Say, could you help us break the door down?"

The figure shrugged, "Hmph… Fine… I need to get more exercise anyway…"

Together, Link, Navi, and this new person took a few steps back, and charged towards the door. But like the previous three times, it did not budge.

"Owww," Link said, "I think I lost half a heart there."

"Look on the bright side, Link," Navi said, "A normal person would have dislocated their shoulder by now. You just lose hearts. Besides, you can find some more in some pots or grass."

Link shrugged, "I still think we should try explosives."

Navi sighed, "Either way, it's no use. No matter what we try, we'll never get this door down."

"I guess we can't save Hyrule after all…" Link put his hands on his hips.

"Hmm…" the figure paused, "I wonder if the door'll open again if I put those three shining stones back to that Altar thing…"

Link and Navi froze.

"What?" the figure gazed upon the heroes, "That won't work either?"

"You stole the stones on the altar?!" Link yelled.

"Yeah… I am a thief you know…" the figure seemed pleased when it said that.

"And you didn't sell them on the Black Market?!" Navi yelled.

"Tch, of course not," the figure said, "They're too shiny for any sum of money."

"If you weren't convenient to our getting out of here, I'd say you are a complete and total moron!!" Navi said.

"Remind me again why fandom hates you?" the figure growled.

"Well, whatever," Navi said, "You'd better hurry up and put them back. Link is using his sword to destroy the cobwebs."

The figure turned towards Link, and sure enough, Link was standing on his tip-toes in a corner, entwirling the Master Sword within the cobwebs.

"…I'll be right with you," the person said.

The person hopped into the ceiling, and Navi was alone with Link once more. Nothing happened. There was a sound of the Song of Time being played on the harp. The Door of Time opened. On the other side of the door was the person, shoving something into their back pocket.

"Mission accomplished," the person smiled.

"Thank you!" Navi glared at the figure.

"Navi," Link said, "Can you help me get the Skulltula-stuff off my sword?"

"Get it off yourself," Navi retorted.

Navi turned back to the person before them.

"Now what do you want?" Navi hissed.

"Um…" the person paused, "Er, hey, could you turn around for a moment?"

"You're not going to chloroform us, are you?" Navi asked.

"Just turn around!" the figure glared.

Navi turned her back to the person, and Link followed shortly after.

"Navi?" Link asked.

"Yes, Link?"

"What's chloroform?"

"I have no clue."

"You can look now," the person said.

Navi and Link spun around once more. When they did, they saw that the figure had struck a pose. Suddenly, the 'Mission Impossible' music played in the background. As the music played, the person kept changing poses to the beat and spoke in time with the music.

"I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time…" the person said.

"You have?" Link asked.

"When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be sages, who dwell in the five Temples," the figure continued.

"Where's that music coming from?" Link looked at the ceiling; Navi did the same.

"One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain… One under a vast lake… One with the House of the Dead… One inside the Goddess of the Sand…" the person told.

Navi turned to the figure, "Have you rehearsed this?"

The person was unnerved, "Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world…"

"Where did the Sound Technician get this CD? I love this music!" Navi exclaimed.
Link bobbed his head, "I gotta get this put on my iPod."

Link paused.

"…I still wanna know where that music is coming from…" Link said, "And Navi?"

"Yes Link?" Navi asked.

"What's a CD?" Link asked.

"What's an iPod?" Navi asked.

"I guess we both have no clue," Link muttered.

"…This is the Legend of the Temples passed down by my people, the Sheikahs. I am Sheik, survivor of the Sheikahs…" the person continued.

"Sheik? Where is that music coming from?" Link continued to look at the ceiling.

"Erm, well…uh… Okay! That's it! KILL THE MUSIC!" Sheik yelled at the ceiling.

The music abruptly halted, and a weak scream was heard over the loud speakers. After this happened, a man wearing glasses and headphones walked into the room from the wall. This was the Totally Messed Studio's Sound Technician and he held a blood stained knife in his hand.

Link's jaw dropped, "Where did that blood come from?"

"And who did it come from?" Navi gulped.

Sheik paused, "…George, when I said 'kill the music' I meant stop it. Not actually kill it…"

"Oh, whoops…" the Sound Technician shrugged.

The Sound Techician wiped the blood off on his shirt. He stepped back into the wall.

Sheik cleared his throat, "Ahem, now, where was I? Ah, yes. As I see you standing there, holding the mythical Master Sword, you really do look like the legendary Hero of Time…"

"I do?" Link asked.

"He does?" Navi asked.

"Yes… He does," Sheik sighed.

"Man," Link sighed, "Not only did I grow up, apparently, but I also look like the Hero of Time. …Whatever the guy looked like."

Navi smacked Link upside the head, "No, you idiot. You are the Hero of Time, remember?"

"Then how come Sheik says I look like him," Link asked, "If I look like him, then I obviously can't be him, right?"

Sheik paused, "If you believe the legend, you have no choice. You must look for the five Temples and awaken the five Sages…."

"But what if he doesn't?" Navi asked.

Sheik glared at Navi, "One Sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple. The Sage is a girl I'm sure you know… Because of the evil power in the Temple, she cannot hear the awakening call from the Sacred Realm…"

"Big deal," Link said, "Just buy her a hearing aid, and then she can go there by herself. And before you ask, Navi, I have no idea what a hearing aid is either."

Sheik rolled his eyes, "Unfortunately, equipped as you currently are, you cannot even enter the Temple…"

"Why not? It's a Temple, right? That means people worshipped there at some point. Wouldn't the general populous be able to enter whenever they wanted to?" Link paused, "Or, wait, is it one of those 'Members Only' religions?"

"Er, no," Sheik said, "It's because the stairs to the place were blown up hundreds of years ago, and nobody's bothered to replace them."

"Man," Link sighed, "We Hyrulians need to take better care of our Temples."

"Anyway, if you believe in what I am saying, you should head to Kakariko Village…" Sheik said.

"But, again, what if he doesn't believe!?" Navi exclaimed.

"The Mask Salesman said I should," Link piped up.

"Shut up, Link," Navi said.

"Do you understand, Link?" Sheik said.

"Yep!" Link exclaimed.

"Link, will you stop listening to people who ignore me?" Navi hissed.

"To save the forest girl, you need another skill… Head to Kakariko Village!" Sheik exclaimed.

Sheik threw a Deku Nut at Link's feet. When Sheik's Deku Nut slammed against the ground, there was a light so blinding that Link couldn't see for a few minutes.

"But I'm wondering…" Navi's body jolted again, "Should we believe what Sheik said and go to Kakariko Village?"

"Ummm… I don't see why not," Link paused, "Or wait… Was that another one of those 'Up Button Command' induced spit-out-obvious-nonsense moments?"

"Well, yes it was, but I still don't like Sheik." Navi said, "Anyway, I don't know why the authoress makes me say those idiotic lines! It's as if you couldn't do it yourself!"

"Yeah!" Link exclaimed, "The nerve!"

"No wait… I take that back," Navi said, "You probably wouldn't be able to do anything without me…"

"Oh thanks, Navi…" Link muttered, "And I'm the one who is supposed to be the hero. And even if I'm not as smart as you, at least I now have a big, strong, grown-up body to save Hyrule with!"

Link flexed his arm but none of his muscles appeared.

"Why won't it work?" Link asked.

"Who knows?" Navi said, "All I know is that you have a Sage to get hearing aids for. And we can probably buy those at the mall. Now, come on!"

Navi flew out of the Temple.

"Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in seven years…" Link muttered, "Or exercised…"

"Link, will you stop being smart!" Navi called out behind her, "It's freaky!"

Link followed Navi out of the Temple.
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Link ran outside the Temple of Time, but only to see Navi frozen on the spot. Link walked up to her, and looked to see what she was gaping at. All he saw was an empty lot beside the Temple.

Link looked at Navi, then at empty lot, "Why are you looking at nothing?"

"W-w-w-we-we-well that's just it!!" Navi shrieked, "There's n-n-n-no-no-nothing t-th-th-there!!!"

Link paused, "I see?"

"Link!!!" Navi grabbed onto his collar and shook him, "Seven years ago, th-the-the…THE—"

"The what?"

"THIS WAS WHERE THE SHOPPING MALL STOOD!!!" Navi screamed, "RIGHT HERE!!! AND NOW THERE'S NOTHING BUT RUBBLE!!!"

"Oh yeah," Link paused, "I guess there was a shopping center here."

Navi pulled Link closer, "What are we going to DO?! Now all the money I inherited from the Great Deku Tree is WASTED!!!"

Link scratched his head, "Well, that Rauru guy mentioned something about Ganondorf taking over Hyrule and all."

Navi shook Link more, "BUT WHY WOULD HE DESTROY THE-THE-THE MALL!?!?"

"Maybe they didn't have underwear in his size?" Link asked.

"Ohhhh…" Navi growled, "That is it. No more Missus NICE FAIRY!!!"

Navi flew up to Link's nose.

"Link! You have GOT TO make sure that this guy DIES!!!" Navi snarled, "And when you kill him, you've got to cut his body into a million pieces, sell the pieces on eBay, kill everyone who bought the pieces, burn all of their remains, and then throw Ganondorf's ashes into Zelda's drinking water supply!!!"

"Why Zelda's?" Link asked.

"Because NONE of this would have happened if she hadn't stolen his jewel!!!" Navi yelled.

"I helped her with that," Link pointed out.

Navi glared at Link, "Just be glad that I LIKE you."

Link paused, "You like me?"

Navi flew into Link's hat and swore to herself. Link exited the area.
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Link thoroughly explored the Town Square. Half of the buildings were either torn down, or were nothing but heaps of rubble. The square was riddled with Re-deads, and Link barely made it out of there alive. Link caught his breath by the drawbridge, and then headed into the guardhouse there.

"Link, what are you doing?" Navi asked.

Link closed the door behind him, "Navi, not only do I have to go and find some pottery to heal my wounds, but I also want to find a washroom, since I haven't gone in seven years."

"Huh," Navi paused, "I wonder why your bladder hasn't exploded by now."

"Navi, what's a bladder—oh hey!" something caught Link's eye, "There's someone else in here!"

Navi turned around to see a hooded figure. It sat upon a bed that had been chained to the far wall. A dark and grimy cage that had been bolted to the wall overhead this man, withheld many different flames. Each flame burned a different colour, and each wore a different facial expression. Navi assumed that these were souls of various different unfortunate beings.

A pair of pale, skeletal legs hung idly from the wooden bed frame. His tattered and blotched shorts and cloak seemed to fit well with his wooden, thin staff.
A few of the souls began to scatter, and dance around the ceiling. The figure quickly snapped his wrist and banged the frame of the cage. The souls quickly retreated back to their place.

The hooded figure wore a Keaton mask.

"Oh," Navi said.

Link raised his eyebrow, "What?"

"He probably heard everything we've just said."

Link paused, "That's awkward."

"Well, well, well…" the figure adjusted his grip on his staff, "What a familiar face…"

Link pointed at his nose, "You know me?"

The figure cracked its neck, "It took me a moment to recognize you, boy… But it's more or less the small one with you who I remember vividly…"

Link turned to Navi, "You know this guy, Navi?"

Navi was speechless. The hooded figure removed the Keaton mask, revealing a single, red, glowing eye. The figure took the mask, bowed slightly, and held the mask over his heart.

"Mademoiselle," the figure said.

Link looked at Navi and looked back at the figure. Link's face fell as the life drained out of his face.

"Mademoiselle Fairy," the figure pointed to the left of him, "the nearest washroom is around the corner."

"Oh!" Navi perked up, "Thank you! Link, wasn't that nice of him?"

Link's knees knocked.

"Link, say thank you."

Link lifted up a trembling hand, "Th-th-th-th-th-thank y-y-y-yo-yo-you……"

"Don't worry about it…" the figure looked over at Navi, "After all, we had an arrangement…"

Navi was speechless once more, as Link got up the courage to walk past the hooded figure…whatever it was… and into the indicated washroom.  As soon as Link re-entered the room, he grabbed Navi, and zipped out the door.

"Navi!" Link exclaimed, "See what happens to guys who deal in the Black Market!!"

"They become cyclopses?" Navi asked.

"They keep peoples' souls!" Link shuddered, "Promise me, Navi, that you'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever meddle with the Black Market again!"

"But he told you where the washroom wa—"

"Ever!"

"Okay, fine," Navi shivered, "The selling of souls did kind of creep me out."

Link's jaw dropped, "He what?"

"Yeah, he told me while you were…relieving yourself," Navi said, "But it's hard to believe that there's a market for them."

The life drained out of Link's face again, "C-c-ca-can-can we go to Karaoke Village now?"

"Yeah, let's do that," Navi sighed.
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Link bolted across Hyrule Field and entered Kakariko Village. Upon entering, he wanted to finish the Cucco-Sidequest he never finished as a kid. However, to his despair, the Cucco Lady finally managed to keep her Cuccos in their pen. Link then wandered into the Graveyard to drown his sorrows by looking at the tombstones. Link stood in front of a grave on the far left. Link deliberately stepped on the flowers in front of it.

"I wonder who this was," Link sighed.

"Can't you read?" Navi asked.

Link gave Navi an unimpressed look.

"…Dumb question," Navi said, "It says that it belonged to Dampé the Expert Ballet Dancer and Gravekeeper."

"I see…" Link sighed, "An odd combination of occupations."

"I guess Dampé the dancer died…" Navi said.

"Who's Dampé?" Link asked.

Navi paused, "He was—Um… I'm not sure…"

"Hmm…" Link paused, "It seems that you aren't all-knowing like I thought you were seven years ago."

"Oh shut up. Oh, I've got an idea!" Navi exclaimed, "Let's dig up the grave to see what Dampé looked like!"

Navi pulled on the back of the grave. It slid backward, and revealed a small, square hole. Link and Navi stared down the hole.

"Dude, aren't the graves supposed to be more, you know, rectangular like?" Link made a small diagram with his hands.

"Hmm…" Navi paused, "Maybe they cremated him."

Link looked around, "Good thing Dampé was the Gravekeeper. Doesn't look like anyone's replaced him."

Navi flew closer to the hole, "Hmm, my glow doesn't go very far down… This is deeper than I thought."

"And?"

"Maybe the funeral procession jumped one by one down this hole, and buried him down there!" Navi exclaimed, "Come on, let's go!!"

"Now that just sounds silly," Link said, "Wai—WHAAA!"

Navi pushed Link forward, and Link promptly lost his balance. He fell feet first into the hole. Sure enough, there was a large room beneath the grave. Link and Navi looked around before they saw an ugly man with a scary face, wearing a tutu overtop of his brown potato sack of an outfit. The man was hovering above the ground and a small Halo floated above his head.

"Heh heh heh, young man! Are you fast on your feet?" the man, presumably Dampé, asked.

"AHHHHH! The ghost spoke!" Link yelled.

"Looks like they didn't cremate him," Navi said, "Well, now we know what he looks like. Link, let's go."

Link and Navi turned to the portal to the ground above.

"Wait! I may not look like it, but I'm confident in my speed and my dancing! Let's have a competition!" Dampé exclaimed, twirling around.

"In dancing or in racing?" Link asked.

"Both~" Dampé hummed, "Follow me if you dare!"

Navi sniffed the air, "Is it just me, or does something around here reek?"

A door, which Link thought was a wall, opened up behind Dampé. Dampé floated through the opening, and twirled while doing so. Link followed him. And, after a series of long, confusing pathways littered with monsters, Link followed Dampé to the end of this crypt.

"The time of this dance was 15:00 minutes!!" Dampé exclaimed.

"Really? It felt longer than that," Navi said.

"So…many…catacombs!!" Link wheezed.

"Hehehe, young man…you were very quick to be able to keep up with my dancing! Hehehe!" Dampé grinned.

"I was?" Link asked.

"He was?" Navi asked.

"As a reward, I am going to give you my treasure," Dampé said, "It's called the hookshot! Its spring-loaded chain will pull you to any spot where its hook sticks. Doesn't that sound cool?"

"Not…really…" Link paused, "You made me race you for something like that? That's just inconvenient!"

"Not like we have anything better to do," Navi grumbled, "Stupid Ganondorf, taking out the mall and all."

"I'm sure it will help you all the same!" Dampé smiled, "I live here now, so come back again some time."

"Live is not quite the word I'd use for you're current situation," Navi said, "Considering that you, you know, are buried here?"

"I'll give you something cool!" Dampé said.

"Cooler than this time?" Link's face lit up.

"No, just a Heart Piece."

"Ohhh…" Link said.

"Did I mention that something around here still reeks?" Navi asked.

"One more thing…" Dampé said.

"What is it now?" Link sighed.

"Your attitude, your looks, your style!" Dampé examined Link from head to toe, "If you wanted to be, I'd say you'd be the World's Best Break Dancer!"

"I do?" Link asked.

"I'm a pro, sonny," Dampé said, "After a while, you can just tell who has got the talent."

Link flipped his hair, "Well, I do have great abs."

"But Link!" Navi bobbed up and down, "You haven't exercised in seven years!"

"Be careful on your way back, my budding break-dancing student! Heheheheh…" Dampé chuckled.

"Odd…" Navi paused.

"Well, it's not everyday an undead, professional dancer and gravekeeper tells you that you have talent," Link's face was absorbed by his smug expression.

"Say…" Navi looked at a pathway in front of them, "The path leads off somewhere… Let's go check it out."

Link grinned, "Oh come on, Navi. Admit it. You're jealous."

"No I am not!" Navi said, "Come on, the only way we can go is this way, since Dampé sealed the door we just came from, behind us!"

"Huh…" Link looked at the sealed door, "I knew there was a door there before."

"…Link!" Navi said.

"And what about that old, molding chest over there?" Link asked.

Link pointed to a large chest in the corner. It looked like it had been there for ages, due to it's copious amounts of cobwebs and the fact that it was molding in one corner.

"That' probably where the Hookshot Dampé was talking about is kept…" Navi said, "Maybe that's what reeks."

"I think Sheik's extremely unsubtle hint was telling me to get this," Link said.

Link opened the chest and DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Hookshot! A small, spring loaded item that allows you to cling onto specific objects in the game. And let me tell you, when I say specific, I mean VERY specific.

"Hey! Cool!" Link said, "This looks better than I thought it would be! Let's try it out!"

Link fit the Hootshot in his hand, and aimed it in front of him. It shot out a meter before it started to fall to the ground, and retracted.

"…I guess I'll just have to stand real close to anything I want this to stick to," Link said.

"Link…" Navi wheezed, "Close that stinky chest! I think I'm turning green."

Link looked at the chest, then plugged his nose, "Aiya! What else is in there that smells so bad?!"

Link slammed the chest shut. Navi gasped for air, however one of the tormenting stentches lingered on. Navi flew away from Link in an attempt to get a breath of fresh air, but then discovered something…

"Navi! Don't go!" Link yelled.

"Sorry, Link, but I think you need some really powerful deodorant," Navi said.

"No, that can't be true!" Link said, "Plus, neither you or I have any clue what deodorant is because it won't be invented for few more hundred years!"

"True, but something on you stinks!" Navi said.

"Hmph!" Link ran down the path.

In the next room, there was a large blue block with a symbol Link had briefly seen in the Temple of Time.

"What's this?" Link asked.

"Wait… This has the same symbol as the Door of Time! Play the song of time to get rid of it!" Navi said.

"And you know this how?" Link asked.

Navi shrugged, "Well, if you could read then you'd be able to tell see that somebody spray painted what I just told you on the front of the block."

Sure enough, there was large, red, spray painted words graffitied all over the block.

Link shook his head, "Stupid vandals…"

Link played Song of Time. Suddenly a blue light from above engulfed the block in front of him, and the block vanished from sight.

Link gasped, "Aliens!!"
________________________________________________________________________

Link continued to walk down the path, and he ended up in strange area with an axle circling around in the center. Link managed to stumble into this place from the second floor, and hopped down. Link looked around, and saw a man, playing a music box. His eyes were bloodshot.

"Okay, Link, I know this whole idea of de-stinking yourself regularly is new to you, but seriously, that stench is either something on you, or your armpits," Navi said.

Link crossed his arms, "Well, excuuuuuuuuu—"

Navi glared at Link, "I told you not to say that!"

"Erm, hey there, Mister Dude Guy Person!" Link waved to the music box man.

"Grrrrrrrrr! I'll never forget what happened that day, seven years ago!" the music man growled.

"Hey, seven years? That's about the time I—" Link started.

"Quiet, Link," Navi said, "You do not want to arouse suspicion."

"But I haven't done anything to him!" Link exclaimed, "I've never seen him before now!"

"Grrrrrrrrr! It's all that ocarina kid's fault!" the man said.

"Hey, I have an ocarina—" Link began to pull out his Ocarina, but Navi glared at him so he shut up.

"Next time here comes around here, I'm going to mess him up!" the man threatened.

"Nope, sir, no siree," Link avoided the man's gaze, "I don't have an Ocarina, nope, not at all."

The Ocarina of Time fell out of Link's pocket and clattered to the ground.

"What?!" the music man glared at the Ocarina, "You've got an ocarina!! What the heck!"

"Erm, no, not at all!" Link stuffed the Ocarina in his shirt, "This one is, um, hers!"

"Hey!" Navi said.

"That reminds me of the time, seven years ago! Back then a mean kid came here and played a strange song. It messed up this windmill!" the music man said. "I'll never forget this song!"

The music man played a few notes, Link repeated and… DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned the Song of Storms!
________________________________________________________________________

The camera showed outside, and zoomed in on Kakariko's windmill. The inside of the windmill was apparently the mysterious room our heroes were inside. As clouds thicken overhead, the windmill began the spin faster and faster around.
________________________________________________________________________

The camera suddenly showed back inside the windmill, and how the axle in the middle of the room was also going double speed. For some reason, it was also raining and thundering inside as it was outside, despite the obvious roof.

"Holy crap!" Navi peeked her head through the door, "Ooo! Look! It's raining outside!"

Link looked at his Ocarina and chuckled, "I am soo trying this at home."

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again!! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!"

"…Umm…" Link paused, "As far as I can recall, this is the first time I've ever played this song…"

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again!! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!"

"But I've only played it once!!" Link exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again!! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!"

"I don't think he can hear you," Navi said, "Come on, let's go."

Link walked to the door—this in itself took quite a bit of coordination, and it took Link several times before he actually landed in the part of land that had the door on it.
________________________________________________________________________

When Link walked outside, the Cucco lady from before ran up to Link.

"I bred a need type of miniature cucco! I call it the Pocket Cucco!" pride radiated off the Cucco Lady's face, "I don't get goose bumps from this baby."

"That's nice?" Link asked.

"I'm not sure what to say…" Navi paused, "A woman who is obsessed with chickens just randomly ran up to us and said she doesn't get hives from them anymore. That qualifies as way too much information."

"Cuccos are very good at getting lazy, late-risers out of bed," the Cucco Lady asked, "Haven't you heard of them before?"

"No, but I've incubated an egg once…" Link said, "Whatever 'incubate' means…"

"It makes them very happy to crow: 'CUCCKOOOO!' especially when it wakes up a heavy sleeper!" the Cucco Lady smiled.

"I see?" Navi paused, "Will you leave us alone now?"

"However, my Cucco is not entirely happy right now…" the Cucco Lady sighed, "You… You look like you're good at handling cuccos."

"I do?" Link asked.

"He does?" Navi asked.

"Now, here, take this egg," the Cucco Lady plopped an Egg into Link's hands.

"Ummmmm…" Link poked the Egg, "You said your Cucco isn't looking very happy right now…but I can't even tell."

"No, duh, Link," Navi said, "It hasn't even been born yet."

"Oh."

The Cucco Lady ran back suspiciously to guard her Cucco pen.

Navi paused, "I have a feeling that we're in a scam…"
"Oh, nonsense, Navi," Link said, "All we can possibly be in for is a long, drawn out Trading Game Side-Quest. Nothing big."

"I dunno, Link," Navi sighed, "Anyway, that terrible smell is defiantly coming from you. I don't know how or why, but it is."

Link paused, "Maybe it's because I haven't had a bath in seven years. Or my whole life, even…"

Navi twitched.
________________________________________________________________________

Link then headed off onto Hyrule Field once more. And having nothing better to do, he wandered into Lon Lon Ranch. Either that, or he got lost on his way back to the Kokiri Village. (This is why Navi should be the one carrying the maps, not Link.) He made it to Lon Lon Ranch by nightfall. In the center of the ranch's large corral, stood a thin woman with long, flowing hair. She had her back turned towards Link, since she was facing the moon. As Link drew nearer, he could hear her faint singing grow louder. Link crept towards her.

"BOO!" Link shouted.

The red-headed woman turned around, paused for ten seconds, and began screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhh!" she shrieked.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Link put his hands up, "No, no, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! Okay, well, yes I did, but I didn't think you'd scream like this!!"

She blinked. She peered at our hero, and after a small pause, she spoke.

"Oh, I thought you were Mr. Ingo," the redhead said.

Navi raised an eyebrow, "In the middle of the night?"

Link put his hands on his hips, "Honestly, by the sounds of things, I'm not the only person to say 'boo' when sneaking up behind people."

There was another pause, "Please keep it a secret from Mr. Ingo that I sing this song."

"Ummm, why?" Link asked.

There was a small pause before the red headed woman began to sing again.

"That red hair, that short term memory, that slow reaction time," Navi said, "This woman has got to be—"

"Ganondorf?" Link gasped.

"No!" Navi smacked Link upside the head, "It's Malon from seven years ago!"

"Ohhhh," Link peered at Malon carefully, "I thought his eyebrows looked better than usual."

Navi face palmed.

"Shh! Hey, Malon, could you keep it down?" Link waved his hands towards her.

The redhead, Malon, paused, "You don't like this song?"

"It's not the song," Link hushed, "It's that dang horse of yours! Honestly, I don't want to get mobbed by that thing again after seven years!"

Navi sighed, "I think her name was Epona."

Malon paused once more, "Epona's real nice once you get to know her, Mr. Ingo."

"For the last time, I am not Mr. Ingo," Link said.

"Hmmm…" Malon paused, "No, I'm pretty sure you are……"

Link pointed to his face, "Does Mr. Ingo look as gorgeous as I do?"

"Link, neither you or I can tell if you look at all attractive," Navi said.

"Ummmm…" Malon paused, "I can't remember…"

Both Link and Navi gave her a blank stare.

"Now that's just sad," Navi sighed.

"Malon, doll, you can't be—" Link started.

The Ocarina of Time clattered to the ground. There was another pause.

"…Oh!" Malon exclaimed, "You have an Ocarina!"

"Erm, yeah…" Link said, "Okay, then… Can Mr. Ingo play the ocarina?"

Link took the ocarina off the ground, and played Epona's Song before Malon had a chance to try to teach it to him. After he finished, there was a very long pause.

"You…" Malon paused, "Do you know my mother's song?"

"Well, yeah," Link said, "You taught it to me a couple days ago…or I guess it would be seven years and a couples days ago."

Navi smiled, "Well, just proves that you have a better memory than her."

There was another pause, "Then that means…"

"Means?" Link raised his eyebrow.

"That you're not Mr. Ingo!" Malon said.

"………Mr. Ingo has an ocarina?" Link asked.

"Everyone really liked that song… my dad…even Mr. Ingo…" Malon started.
Link raised an eyebrow, "But I thought you told me not to tell Mr. Ingo that you sang it."

"In the middle of the night," Navi added, "All alone."

Malon appeared not to hear this, "But…since Ganondorf appeared, Mr. Ingo has changed completely. I can remember the good old days only when I sing this song."

Navi paused, "You can only remember the good old days when you sing a song that your mother taught you? Wouldn't you have negative connotations with that song, instead of positive ones?"

"Navi, let her monologue," Link said, "It's not like we haven't let everyone else do it for the past six chapters."

"Also…Epona really liked that song. Only I could tame that horse…Even Mr. Ingo had a hard time. Hee hee hee!" Malon giggled.

"Yeah, eh heh," Link chuckled nervously, "…Freaky horse… Freaky, untamed horse…"

"If Ingo had trouble taming Epona than we're up the creek," Navi said.

"Crap," Link paled.

"But," Malon finally reacted, "All you need to do to tame Epona is play Epona's song…"

"Oh please, Malon. If it was that simple, than Ingo would have figured it out ages ago," Navi looked around, "Where is that creep, anyway?"

"Umm… He's in the Farmhouse, in the upstairs room. He should be asleep…" Malon blushed.

"Thank you," Navi sighed.

Link turned 'round and walked into the barn, where he found Ingo previously. After a bad encounter with a couple of the farm animals inside, Link bolted out of the building, and zipped into the one across from it. There, Link found some Cuccos. After another traumatizing experience, Link heaved his way up the stairs, and took shelter in the room there. There, Link could hear a loud snoring. He turned around to see Mr. Ingo sleeping on a bed. Link examined the room more closely and noted that all the lights were on, so Mr. Ingo was probably wasting good lamp oil.

"Man," Link put his hands on his hips, "I can't stand people who leave the lamps on all night. Not only is it wasteful, but you could also burn down your tree hut!"

"Link, lanterns don't burn down buildings fast enough," Navi said, "That's what Din's Fire is for."

Link scratched his head, "Oh yeaahh…"

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Mr. Ingo muttered.

"Wow… He's gotten uglier over the years…" Navi noted.

Link paused, "How can Malon compare him to me?"

There was a long silence.

Link bent down, "Should I poke him, like I did to Talon?"

"I don't think you should," Navi paused, "What will he think if he wakes up?"

"Hmm… You're right," Link smiled, "Let's wake him up anyways then run away!"

"Link, that's probably not such a good idea—" Navi said.

Link pulled out his sword, and lightly poked it's tip at Ingo's side. Ingo twitched.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Ingo moaned.

"…Okay…" Link paused, "What the heck?"

"Ummm… Poke him harder?" Navi asked.

Link, dissatisfied with being unable to get any decent reaction out of the middle-aged man, jabbed at him harder. To Link's surprise, the sword encountered no resistance, and went straight through Ingo. Link hastily retracted his blade, and began looking for evidence of injury. There was none. Ingo didn't move.

Link went wide-eyed, "I-I am so sorry!"

"Too late, Link," Navi said, "He's probably dead."

Ingo rolled over.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Ingo snored.

Link's eyes watered, "He's alive!"

"We'll just pretend that didn't happen, and hopefully, there won't be a lawsuit held against you," Navi said.

"But why didn't he die?" Link paused.

"Oh yeah…" Navi paused, "He's an NPC."

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link looked at Navi, "Does that mean he's just gonna continue to say the same thing over and over again like Ruto did?"

"Pretty much," Navi sighed.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link paused, "…He's like a broken record…"

"An annoying one, at that," Navi said, "By the way, Link, what's a—"

Without letting Navi finish her sentence, Link hopped up on Ingo's bed and began to jump up and down.

"Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyaaa!! Mr. Innnngoooo! Waaaakkke uupppp!!!!" Link called out.

Fun fact: Link can climb onto the bed and trample Ingo while he's asleep. Try it; it works.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link took a deep breath, "WAKEY WAKEY!!!!!!!"

Because Link hollered at the top of his lungs into Mr. Ingo's ears; Ingo became partially deaf.

"HELLO!" Link yelled once more.

Link began to step on Ingo when he bounced.

"ZZZZ*squish*ZZZZZZZZZ… S-*squish*Stop that song*squish*… I… I… mumble…*squish*…mumble…"

"Oh, Farore…" Link panted, "This guy's hard to get up."

"Imagine what his mother had to do when he was in High School!" Navi said.

Link, bored senseless and slightly exhausted, rummaged through his Pockets, and reemerged with the Pocket Cucco Egg.

"Hey!" Link held up the Pocket Cucco Egg, "That Cucco Lady with the hives said that this egg likes to wake people up!"

"I dunno, Link…" Navi paused, "I think it's gonna have to hatch first—"

"Okay, then we just have to throw this egg at him!" Link exclaimed.

Link chucked the Pocket Egg at Mr. Ingo's head. It ricocheted off his forehead, and leaving an indented bruise behind. The Pocket Egg then rolled across the floor, out the door and down the stairs. A loud cackle of panicked Cuccos erupted from downstairs.

"…Oh…wow…" Navi paused.

"That's lame!" Link huffed, "The egg didn't even work. Let's get out of here…"

Link shoved his hands in his pockets and stormed down the stairs with Navi close behind. He picked up the unharmed egg from among the startled Cuccos, and attempted to sink his teeth into it out of pure spite. He chipped a tooth.

Navi sighed, "Okay, I know that eggs supposedly have a very stable and strong structure, but this is ridiculous!"

Link walked outside, slamming the door behind him. As expected, Ingo didn't wake up.

"Wait! I got an idea! Let's egg the house!" Link exclaimed.

Link took a couple of steps back, and threw the egg at the wall with all his might. It crashed through the wall. Another loud eruption of panicked cackles came from the Cuccos. Navi flew through the hole, and came back with the egg. Link snatched the egg from her, and chucked it at a different part of the wall. Another hole splintered open. This went on for several hours. In end, all Link managed to accomplish was filling the house with egg-shaped holes. Which, as Link thought, sucked. Link pulled his ocarina and played the Sun's Song.

Link cackled, "This'll make the day come quicker and he'll only have a few hours of sleep!"

Navi sighed, "Link, I think you might be going insane from the lack of having successful plans."

Link's eyelid twitched, "Oh, on the contrary, Navi! It's everyone else in Hyrule who's going insane!"

Link erupted into a long chain of maniacal laughter.

"Link, please calm down," Navi sighed, "You're going to embarrass yourself. Actually, no. You're going to embarrass me. Which is even worse."

Link, in his semi-crazed state, wandered like a drunk through the barn door. There, Malon had somehow instantly transported herself inside. And she was carrying a bucket. Don't ask.

"Oh…a visitor! It's been a long time since we've had a visitor here…" Malon exclaimed.

"Don't you remember us?" Navi paused.

"BWAHAHA!" Link laughed, "Perfect! My plan is working!!"

There was a long pause. Minus Link's evil cackling.

"You have a plan?" Navi asked.

Link started doodling on the wall. With his finger.

"Ummm…" Malon paused, "I don't think that's normal…"

"For Link?" Navi asked, "Of course it is! Just ignore him, and continue with your monologue."

"Wait…I think I remember seeing a bright blue light saying 'That makes sense'…" Malon said.

"Ohh… I see…" Link did not stop doodling on the wall.

"Wait, what the crap does that have to do with anything!?" Navi buzzed up and down.

Malon, who looked as if she was lost in thought, suddenly turned to Link and Navi.

Malon blinked, "Where did you come from?"

Navi face-palmed.

"Oh, but my dear," Link's eyelid twitched, "Can't you tell where we came from?!"

Malon looked at the ceiling, "Well… Let's see… Since Ganondorf came, people in the Castle Town have gone, places have been ruined, and monsters are wandering everywhere. Mr. Ingo is just using the ranch to gain Ganondorf's favour… And everyone seems to be turning evil…"

There was a pause.

"Does that make us evil too?" Navi asked.

Malon appeared not to hear Navi, "But dad…he was kicked out of the ranch by Mr. Ingo… If I disobey Mr. Ingo, he will treat the horses so badly…so…there's nothing I can do…"

Navi sighed, "Well, she's the same abrupt topic switcher we knew from seven years ago."

"By the way… Where are you from?" Malon asked.

There was another long pause.

"From the Temple!" Link exclaimed.

"Link!" Navi sighed, "You know as well as I do that that technically isn't where we came from! Now, if you don't stop acting insanely—"

"Navi?" Link looked up at the roof, "Will the ceiling explode if Aliens come?"

Navi picked up a bucket from off the ground and smacked Link across the face with it.

"No! Aliens don't exist!" Navi snapped, "And, Link, if you don't stop acting like you are insane, you're going to commit all sorts of dastardly deeds. And if that happens, and you don't repent, you know what that makes you?!"

"You're priests!" Malon gasped.

Navi and Link stared at Malon. There was a long pause.

"No!" Navi snapped at Link, "It makes you just like Ganondorf—the Destroyer of Malls!"

Link hung his head, "I understand, Navi."

"Now that's better," Navi nodded, "So what do you have to say to this young thing, Link?"

Link turned to Malon.

"Malon, we'll free you from Mr. Ingo…" Link patted Malon on the shoulder.

"Come on! We have to demand that Mr. Ingo never lets Malon leave this ranch! Imagine how lost she'd be if she was ever let out!" Navi exclaimed.

"You're right, Navi!" Link gasped, "We'll have to demand that he lets her go free but never lets her leave this ranch!"

The two of them left the barn, determination on their faces.

Malon gasped, "Ganondorf was here!"
________________________________________________________________________

Link returned outside. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure in a ridiculous outfit, standing by the corral. Link determined it was Ingo since he was the only other person in the ranch besides Malon. Link snuck around, out of his view, and slowly crept up behind him. While sneaking up on him, Ingo was muttering loudly to himself, and Link heard the following…

"Did stupid Talon hafta leave his stupid daughter behind in the ranch? It was nice at first, considering I had an attractive young girl following me around to do the farmwork, but had I known about 'er odd behaviour, then I never would have kept her here!" Ingo spat onto the ground in front of him.

"BOO!" Link exclaimed.

"That stupid delayed reaction time of hers makes the whole ranch messed up!" Ingo clenched his teeth, "Because of 'er, the entire Ranch's schedule gets delayed by three hours! Every day is three hours later than the previous day! And every day we stay up three hours later than usual!"

"I said BOO!" Link said louder.

"Once I tried waken' her up at bloody four am! Four AM!" Ingo glared at Navi, who was flying in circles around his head, "But all that ever did was have 'er finally react at seven am and ask me 'whatcha wake me up at four am for?'!"

"You know," Navi said, "It's kind of sad that he's noticed me, but he hasn't noticed you yet."

"And 'den she just rolle' over and fall asleep again for another three hours!" Ingo growled, "I swear, if Ganondorf doesn't give me a raise, then I'm going back to find Talon again!"

"BOO!" Link lightly shoved Ingo.

Ingo turned around, grabbed Link's collar, and began shaking him repeatedly.

"There are some people in Kakariko spreading rumors that I cheated Talon out of the ranch, but… Don't be ridiculous!" Ingo exclaimed, "That guy Talon was weak! I, the hard-working Ingo, poured so much energy into this place!"

"Waaahhh!" Link managed to let out, "I have a feeling that this is going to be in the sequel!"

"Link, who'd want to create a sequel to this fanfic?" Navi asked.

"I don't want any strangers like you saying anything bad about me!" Mr. Ingo snapped at Link.

"But I didn't say anything!" Link told Mr. Ingo.

"Whoa," Navi said, "is that bruise on his forehead in the shape of an egg?"

Ingo let go of Link, as if he did not hear Navi's last statement.

"Listen. The Great Ganondorf recognized my obvious talents and gave the ranch to me! I will raise a fine horse and win recognition from the Great Ganondorf!" Ingo chuckled.

"I still didn't say anything!" Link said, "Okay, maybe I said 'boo', but that doesn't count!"

"Huh," Navi paused, "I wonder which horse?"

"Eh? What's that?" Ingo put his hand to his ear, "Don't mumble!"

"I SAID: 'IT DOESN'T COUNT'!" Link shouted.

"What doesn't count?" Mr. Ingo eyed Link suspiciously.

"Has he gone deaf or something?" Navi asked.

"Never you mind! Say, young man, do you want to ride one of my find horses? Pay me 10 rupees and you can ride." Ingo offered.

Link shrugged, "'Kay."

"Link!" Navi buzzed up and down, "We've been over this!"

"What was that?" Ingo held his hand up to his ear again.

"I SAID: 'OKAY'!" Link replied.

"Do you want to hear how to ride?" Ingo asked.

"Ummm…" Navi paused, "Don't you just hop on a horse's back and steer it using the reins?"

"Pardon?" Ingo asked, frowning.

"NO, WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW TO RIDE!" Navi shouted.

"Thank you so much. Heh heh!" Ingo chuckled.

"I think he didn't hear you correctly…" Link said.

"Whatever," Navi sighed.

Link entered the corral and played Epona's Song. Epona charged towards him.

"AHHH!" Link attempted to shove the pony away from him, "Why does everyone keep wanting to mob me?!"

"Because that's how this fanfic works, Link," Navi said.

Link turned around to see Ingo. Ingo looked rather puzzled since he had heard Link's outburst.

"I mean… Oh, look how fluffy her mane is!" Link patted Epona's mane nervously.

"Eh?"

Link groaned, "NEVERMIND!"

"Hey young man! Do I know you?" Ingo asked.

Link bit his lip, "Er, um…noooo…"

"Eh?" Ingo paused.

"NO," Link raised his voice, then added: "you deaf old geezer."

"Oh… I just felt as though I've seen you somewhere before… If you use Z-Targeting, you can talk to me from horseback." Ingo explained.

"Z-targeting?" Link blinked, "What in Farore's name is Z-Targeting?"

"I have no clue," Navi sighed, "Ask him."

"Are you ready to go home so soon?" Ingo asked.

"NO!" Link exclaimed, patting Epona. "WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?"

"Tsk tsk… When your time is up, I'll kick you out of here," Ingo spat on the ground.

After ten seconds…

"Hey! Times up young man! You only paid 10 rupees! You've played around long enough!" Ingo screamed.

Ingo booted Link out of the corral. Link would have paid for another round, however, he only had ten rupees from seven years ago. But, Link was a stubborn man, so he wandered around the Ranch. After breaking open several pots, and robbing them of their contents, Link walked back up to Ingo with sixty rupees in tow. Link played Epona's song once he was in the corral, and hopped on Epona before she could mob him again. Ingo watched Link with mild interest.

"You're getting better! How about a little race with me? One lap around the corral with that horse. Let's make a little wager, let's say 50 rupees," Ingo offered.

"Ooo!" Navi exclaimed, "Gambling! That's almost as good as bribing people!"

"No," Link snapped at Ingo, "I raided this farm so that I could run around the corral for a minute, so—"

"Will you quit mumbling, darn it!" Ingo snapped, stamping his foot.

Link took a deep breath, "N—"

"SURE," Navi yelled, "HE'LL RACE!"

Link glared at Navi. Soon Link found himself in a horse race with Ingo, and sure enough, Link won the race pretty easily. However, Ingo began spazzing after Link beat him.

"Sh-Shoooot!" Ingo outburst, "If the Great Ganondorf found out about this humiliation… Hey, you!! How about another race!"

"Um…" Link paused.

"Link, he's just being a sore loser," Navi said, "Just ignore him—"

"If you win… you can keep…the horse!!" Ingo exclaimed.

"Okay, never mind," Navi said.

"Wha—"

Link soon found himself in another race with Mr. Ingo. Link won once again, however, he had a bit more trouble this time. Ingo began spazzing again.

"What's up with that horse?!" Ingo screamed.

"I DUNNO," Link yelled Ingo.

"Link, why are you yelling?" Navi asked.

Link sighed, "Because this guy won't hear me if I don't."

"Don't be silly, Link."

"Is that Epona?" Ingo asked.

"Yes," Navi said.

"What?" Ingo asked.

"YES," Link hollered.

"How did you tame that wild horse right under my nose?!" Ingo demanded.

"We didn't," Navi said, "We just managed to play a song, and she came stampeding over."

"BECAUSE WE'RE NINJAS," Link yelled.

"Argh! I was going to present that horse to the Great Ganondorf…but I bet it on a race and lost!" Ingo screamed.

"Remember kids!" Navi turned to the camera, "Gambling is good!"

"Shooot!" Ingo yelled.

Ingo suddenly stopped spazzing, and walked over to some open gates.

"Hah ha hah!" Ingo cackled, "As I promised, I'll give the horse to you… However… I'll never let you leave this ranch!"

"Aw, man!" Link said, "We were supposted to convince Ingo to keep Malon in this ranch forever, not ourselves!"

"Oh please, you think this guy's serious?" Navi asked.

Link and Navi turned just in time to see Mr. Ingo close the gates. Effectively shutting them inside.

"So… Now what?" Link asked.

"Well, we could try jumping over the gates," Navi said, "After all, Epona's jumped taller stuff than this."

"True!"

Link then used Epona to charge towards the gate. However, for some reason, Link wasn't able to just jump over Ingo's head.

Link sighed, "…Stupid invisible walls…"

"Alright, if we can't get out—" Navi then pinched her nose, "Augh! I can't take it anymore! What is making you smell so bad?!"

Navi flew into Link's tunic and began rummaging through his pockets.

"Wait, what?" Link asked.

"There's something about you that stinks!" Navi grumbled, "And, I refuse to believe that you have that bad body odour. Ah ha! I think I found something."

Navi reemerged from Link's pockets with one of Link's bottles. On it was a label from Lon Lon Ranch.

"Wait… Is that the Lon Lon milk?" Link asked.

"I believe so," Navi handed Link the bottle.

Link sniffed the bottle, "Ew, this thing does smell fairly gross."

"That's probably because it's gone sour," Navi examined some fine print on the side of the bottle.

"Why do you say that?" Link asked.

"It says on the side, 'Expires: March 21, 100'… What year is it now?" Navi turned to Link.

"107," Link shrugged.

"And I read on Ingo's calendar that it's March 22. In other words, this expired over seven years ago," Navi held up the stinky bottle, "So we should probably dump it out."

"If you say so," Link shrugged.

Link uncorked the bottle. The odour that emerged from it was at least ten times worse than it was when the bottle was sealed. Link turned green, and tried to keep himself from throwing up when he saw the chucky pieces of mush within the bottle. He hastily shut the bottle.

"Ugh, this stuff is disgusting!" Link covered his mouth.

"I've got an idea," Navi said, "Let's go dump it on Ingo."

"Invisible wall, remember?" Link said.

"Right…" Navi paused.

The odour that emerged from the bottle obviously had a stunning effect on Epona, since she began hallucinating. Among her various hallucinations, Epona saw Navi as a blue carrot, and began charging in front of her. Navi, upon noting Epona's hungry look in her eye, flew toward the fence in the distance. Epona rampaged after her. Link, who was caught off guard by this, began screaming while trying to think of ways to get off of Epona without seriously injuring himself. As Navi flew over the tall fence, Epona leapt through the air with Link still on her back.

"GET ME OFF OF THIS CREATURE!" Link hollered.

"Hmm…so I guess that kid really didn't train that horse under my nose...he doesn't know anything about riding," Ingo paused, "But how the heck did I lose to an idiot who can't ride a horse?"
________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, on Hyrule Field…

"Heh, heh, heh, nice horsey…" Link chuckled nervously, "Pretty horse… Good horsey…"

Link cautiously got off of Epona. Epona began to chase after some butterflies which she hallucinated to be red carrots.

"Ha ha ha ha…" Link chuckled nervously.

"Well that was an adventure…" Navi said.

"I know," Link gulped, "It made the rest of this fanfic look like it was worth reading…"

"Link, this fanfic will never be worth reading," Navi said.

"Anyway," Link breathed heavily, "Where now?"

"We could try egging the ranch from out here," Navi said.

"I can't, the Cucco hatched when I played Sun Song," Link said.

"Link, how could you leave out an important fact like that!?" Navi exclaimed, "A bird has been born, and you don't feel like mentioning it?"

"No," Link said.

Navi sighed, "Well, since the Cucco has hatched, we might as make it happy and show it to a sleepy person…"

"Ingo?" Link asked.

"No, nitwit, he's already awake!"

"Hmm…how 'bout the sleeping man then?" Link suggested.

"You mean Talon?" Navi asked.

"Yeah, the sleeping man."

Navi sighed, "Sure… Now where is he?"

"I heard some really loud snoring coming from one of the houses in Karaoke," Link told Navi.

"I'm pretty sure it's Kakariko, Link," Navi said.

"It was pretty loud though, considering we were at the other end of the village…" Link paused, "And I think I can hear it quite well from here…"

"Link, that's not possible," Navi said.

"But you said yourself that Talon's snoring gets louder over time!" Link said.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Link, let's go!"

Link and Navi headed to Kakariko village with the egg that the random Cucco Lady gave them.
_______________________________________________________________________

Link wandered around the village, searching for Talon by going into people's houses at random. He soon entered a red brick house near the exit towards Death Mountain. Inside, he found what looked like a shop, and a burly man stood behind the counter—he did not look the sort to be easily intimidated.

"That doesn't look like Talon," Navi said, "He looks like the sort to that isn't easily intimidated."

"Well, still," Link said, "I haven't gone shopping in seven years. Besides he might be selling something cool."

Link approached the counter.

"Hello thar, big fella," the man grunted, "What can I get fer ya, today?"

"Well, let's see…" Link looked closely at the items on the shelf.

"Link, we don't have time for this," Navi said.

The big man paled.

"Of course we do!" Link said, "It's not like that person at the Forest Temple is going to get any more deaf than they actually are."

"K-K-K—" the burly man began to sweat, "K-Kind Sir! Kind Butterfly! What're ye doin' 'ere?"

"I'm not a butterfly, you buffoon!" Navi snapped.

"Of course not, miss," the man blubbered, "'Twas my mistake. You'd be a Moth. I see it now."

"I'm not a moth either!" Navi said.

"Wait…" Link pointed at the man, "I remember you."

The burly man looked like he would faint.

"K-Kind Sir, y-yer not 'ere fer…fer…" the man gulped, "…me life, are ye?"

"No, I'm not here to take yer life, I mean, your life," Link sighed.

The burly man wiped his brow with a shaky hand.

"Ye really are a kind sir, Kind Sir," the burly man said, "Yer kindness 'asn't changed over teh years."

"Now, if you're not going to sell me anything, then I'll be on my way—" Link said.

"Oh, oh, please, Kind Sir!" the man gave Link a weak smile, "Me, me wife and I were 'bout to 'ave a bite to eat, see… And, well, if yer hungry, then me wife can fix up somethin' fer ya too…"

"Actually I am kind of—" Link started.

"No, we'd best be on our way," Navi said, "Right, Link?"

Link sighed, "Yes, Navi."

"Well, best luck to ye," the man behind the counter waved, "You, Kind Sir, and you, Kind Butterfly!"

"For the last time, I am not a butterfly!" Navi said.

Link and Navi headed out the door.
________________________________________________________________________

After searching all of the houses, Link finally found Talon. Within the house where he slept, were two women, both of them wearing large, thick earmuffs. Link rummaged through his pockets, pulled out the Cucco, and made it crow at Talon. His snoring immediately stopped, and he sat bolt upright.

"What in tarnation? Can't a person get a little shut-eye around here?" Talon yelled.

"Nope!" Link smiled, "Not with me in town!"

"Did you save Malon?" Talon asked.

"Where did that come from?" Navi asked.

"Ummm…" Link bit his lip, "Yeah, I guess we kinda did…"

"Thanks! I'm going back to the ranch, then! Yeehah!" Talon exclaimed.

With that, Talon got up, ran out the door, and headed to Lon Lon Ranch. The entire time, he was waving his arms.

"How odd," Navi said.

"…So, I guess this is a happy ending?" Link asked.

Navi's body jolted, "I wonder what's going on in the forest right now… I'm worried about Saria, too!"

Link raised his eyebrow, "I'm worried about Saria?"

"Link!" Navi said, "That was another spit out obvious nonsense moments!"

Link flopped over, "Not another one of those spit out obvious nonsense moments…"

"It's not my fault!" Navi exclaimed, "Blame the authoress! She's the one who insists on staying true to the script! …But now that I mention it…"

"Why should we be worried about Saria?" Link pondered.

"Well, we won't find out by sticking around here!" Navi said, "Plus, it'll make Sheik happy if we go to the Forest."

"Okay, fine," Link said.

And thus our heroes left Kakariko Village and headed to Kokiri Village.