Chapter 9
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What if the Fire Temple's Boss resembled Whack-A-Mole?
Wonder no more! …Yeah, I'm not quite sure what I was thinking when I wrote this chapter question, but…ehh! What the heck?
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Link headed to Death Mountain. Link ran out of the Forest Meadow.
"So, um," Link scratched his head, "how does me being in the Lost Woods help me get to Death Mountain?"
Navi rolled her eyes. "Just follow me."
Link stopped in his tracks and planted his feet in the ground.
"Navi, I am a full grown adult now," Link nodded, "and as a grown-up, I refuse to be bossed around like some…some…some short guy!"
"Link, this is no time to be difficult," Navi said.
"Whatcha gonna do about it?" Link smirked. "In case you haven't noticed, I weigh a lot more than I did seven years ago."
"Surprisingly," Navi paused. "Considering you didn't eat once during all of that time."
Link sat down.
"And because of that, you can't grab my ears and drag me anywhere anymore," Link huffed. "So, there!"
There was a pause. Link heard Navi crack her knuckles.
"My, my," Navi chuckled, "is that a challenge?"
Link's eyes widened. He covered his ears.
"N-N-No," Link gulped.
"Good. Now stand up," Navi smiled.
Link wobbled as he stood up.
"That's better," Navi nodded. "We wouldn't want there to be an accident where your ears get torn off or something."
"Eh heh heh…" Link chuckled nervously. "Still want a regular fairy… A nice fairy…"
Navi turned around and glared. "Care to repeat that?"
Link gulped and shook his head slowly.
"Good, now keep moving," Navi snapped.
Link walked, following Navi through the Lost Woods.
"So, um, where are we going again?"
Navi slapped her forehead.
"Link, remember that stone like archway we would always pass on the way to the Forest Meadow?" Navi sighed.
"No?" Link asked.
"How do you expect me to stop treating you like a complete and total moron when you say things like that?" Navi asked.
"Okay, okay, maybe," Link groaned. "But I never went in there, so I guess it just didn't seem important enough to remember."
"That's better," Navi huffed. "Anyway, based on the structure of the architecture, I theorize that the archway in question connects directly to Goron City."
"…I'm just going to pretend I understood all of that," Link grinned.
"And you had kept your mouth shut, I would believed you had too," Navi sighed. "Anyway, I think that if we go through that gate, then we'll end up in Goron City. And since our goal is Death Mountain, and since that song you played off-screen has the power to teleport you to the Sacred Forest Meadow, this seems like the fastest solution."
"Okay," Link shrugged. "As long as it's faster."
Navi flew ahead.
Link paused. "…And you probably won't stop complaining until I do as you say."
"Keep it moving, tunic boy," Navi called out behind her.
Link sighed and trotted into the next entrance way. He turned to see Navi, floating idly by an archway made of stone. Link stared at the archway.
"I could have sworn this was bigger when I saw this last…" Link paused.
"…I'll let you figure that one out yourself," Navi groaned. "Anyway, hurry up."
"Ow!"
"…And watch your head."
Link rubbed his forehead. "Yeah, it defiantly got smaller somehow."
Link ducked down and walked into the darkness in front of him.
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Link continued walking through the tunnel as the light slowly dimmed. The background music changed, and the ground beneath him changed from soft grass to raw earth and small pebbles. Soon, another light faded into vision.
"No, seriously, Navi, this is creeping me out," Link gulped. "Like, doorways don't just shrink over time…do they?"
"What? You believe snoring men get louder over time, but you get creeped out the second you think a doorway got smaller?" Navi asked.
Link took a moment to think about this. "That's a completely different—"
Link felt a tiny little hand pressed against his chest. Link looked to see Navi's familiar blue glow. Link looked in front of him to see several large boulders blocking the paths in front of them.
There was a pause.
"…Well, that failed," Link rubbed his hands together. "What's Plan B?"
Link turned to Navi. She held up a bomb.
"Ack!" Link jumped back in surprise. "When did you steal that?!"
"Just now," Navi shrugged. "And trust me, Link. Explosives solve everything."
"I don't think they—" Link began.
Navi chucked the bomb. A loud explosion ensued, which triggered a chain reaction. Light from the several explosions poured over Link and Navi. The force battered around Link's hair, and even his hat struggled to stay on.
The path was cleared. Link watched with widened eyes as Navi began laughing senselessly.
"Bwahahaha!" Navi cackled. "Awww, man! That was so satisfying! Ha ha ha ha!"
"—do…?" Link blinked.
"Exactly," Navi smiled.
"What was with the laugh just now?" Link blinked.
"Erm…" Navi coughed. "Let's just say when Ivan burned the school down, I was completely ecstatic…they dragged me from the building…and I had to be restrained…for ten minutes…"
Navi giggled to herself.
"…Though it was completely worth it…" Navi said in a quiet voice.
Link paused. "So you're a guy that likes fire so much it's unhealthy guy—"
"Pyromaniac," Navi corrected.
"Right, well, you're one of those pyromans on top of it all?" Link asked.
"So what if I am?" Navi huffed.
"Nothing," Link said.
Navi flew ahead.
"…Except now I definitely want a different fairy…" Link whispered.
"What's taking so long?" Navi called out. "We don't have all—whoa…"
Link walked into the open space to see that they were, indeed, in Goron City. Link joined the puzzled Navi. Goron City was completely deserted.
"Is Goron City Goron-less?" Link asked.
"I hope not," Navi huffed. "Otherwise they'd have to change the name. And just 'City' by itself doesn't quite have the same ring to it."
"Wait, what's that over there?" Link asked.
Link squinted. Down a couple floors was a lone Goron, rolling around in a large loop on said floor. Link watched it for a while. Not once did it stop.
"Good, now it can stay 'Goron City'," Navi nodded. "Or, wait, should it be called 'Lone Goron City' then?"
Link hopped down to a lower floor.
"No harm in checking it out," Link said. "Besides, maybe all the other Gorons went out for Bacon and Eggs or something."
"I won't even ask where you pulled that from," Navi grumbled.
Link soon found himself on the same floor as the lone Goron. With the Goron rolling down the path towards him, Link extended his hand.
"Hi there!" Link smiled. "How are you?"
"Link, I don't think this is such a good idea," Navi paused. "Remember the Goron who used to mow you over every time you tried to climb up the mountain?"
The rolling Goron suddenly screeched to a halt and began rolling away as fast as it could in the opposite direction.
Link raised an eyebrow. "Well, daaaang."
"Here, leave the social interactions to me," Navi nodded.
The Goron rolled around the corner, and was coming up behind them. Navi turned around to face it.
"Greetings," Navi smiled. "Sorry about my Kokiri here, he's just a little—"
The Goron once again screeched to a halt and sped off in the opposite direction.
"Why, that bratty little—!" Navi snarled.
"Hey! I'm not a Kokiri! I'm a Hylian, remember?" Link huffed. "I did, like, grow some while the other Kokiri didn't."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Navi grumbled. "The technicalities aren't important right now—"
Link gasped. "Ohhhh! So that's why the doorway shrunk! I got taller!"
Navi flew into Link's inventory. She soon reemerged with a lit bomb in hand.
"What are you doing?!" Link let out.
Navi flew after the rolling Goron. It was at the other side of the ring.
"UUUAAAAAAHHHHH!" was heard.
"THIS'LL TEACH YOU TO IGNORE ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK!" yelled the little blue fairy.
Link flinched at the ensuing explosion. Link ran over.
"Oh my Farore, are you okay?!" Link gasped.
The Goron wasn't moving.
Link turned to Navi. "That was completely unnecessary!"
"That doesn't mean it wasn't fun," Navi smirked.
Link glared at Navi.
"Hey, look," Navi huffed. "He was the one that ignored me. Besides, I didn't think it would kill him."
"It didn't kill him," Link said. "But that was still not nice—"
"Wait, it didn't?" Navi blinked. "You mean—?"
"How could you do this to me?" the 'dead' Goron let out.
Navi stared at the Goron. She noticed for the first time that it was trembling. She looked back at Link, who was giving her an unimpressed look.
"Oh come on, I wasn't paying attention to details like that," Navi huffed. "How was I supposed to know?"
"You, you're Ganondorf's servant!" the Goron told Navi.
"No, but I can put you in a world of pain if you dare defy me again," Navi nodded.
"Who's the evil I'm fighting again?" Link sighed.
"Hear my name and tremble! I am Link! Hero of the Gorons!" the Goron let out.
"I'm not trembling!" Navi told the Goron.
"But wait a minute here," Link paused. "I thought I was Link."
The Goron stood up.
"What?" the Goron asked.
"Link, there can be more than one person with the same name, you know," Navi said.
"Your name is also Link?" the Goron named Link asked.
"Clearly this is an issue of identity theft," Link stroked his chin.
"Then you must be the legendary Dodongo Buster and Hero, Link!" Goron Link exclaimed.
"You've heard of me?" Link's face lit up. "I really must be famous around here."
"Hey!" Navi piped up. "I was the one who carried him through that dungeon! I deserve some credit here?"
Goron Link cocked his head. "Why was she carrying you?"
"Isn't the bigger question here how she can carry me?" Link asked.
Navi sighed. "Look, it's a long story. Let's just say gravity broke that day, and in order to wipe out the entire species I had to—"
"Gravity broke? Really? Dad never said anything about that…" Goron Link paused.
"Fairies never get any credit!" Navi huffed.
"Dad?" Link blinked. "Gorons have parents?"
"Not everyone is denied the right to having parents, you know," Navi said.
"But I—" Link's eyes watered.
"My dad is Darunia… Do you remember him?" Goron Link asked.
"Oh yeah!" Link's face lit up. "I remember him! He's the one with the soft carpet!"
"Dad named me Link after you, because you're so brave! It's a cool name! I really like it!" Goron Link exclaimed.
"Well, thanks!" Link chuckled.
"Link, you are the hero to us Gorons! I'm so glad to meet you!" Goron Link exclaimed.
"Aww, I don't know what to say!" Link blushed.
"Okay, question. If Darunia's your dad," Navi asked, "then who's your mom?"
There was a long pause.
"W-W-Well…" Goron Link sniffled. "I heard there was this Cucco accident, and she…!"
"Okay, okay, touchy subject," Navi said. "Forget I said anything."
"Anyways… Please give me your autograph! Sign it: 'To my friend, Link of the Gorons.'" Goron Link exclaimed.
The Goron pulled out an autograph book.
"Okay!" Link exclaimed.
Goron Link handed the book to Link. Link pulled out a sharpie from his hat and began scribbling aimlessly.
"Ummmm…" Navi paused. "So, uh, where are the other Gorons?"
"Oh… I guess it's not a good time to ask for this…" Goron Link paused.
The Goron grabbed the book Link was scribbling in and put it back from wherever he pulled it from. Link looked at the Goron with watered eyes.
"But that was my first autograph signing ever!" Link whimpered.
"Link, I thought you weren't good with publicity," Navi groaned.
"No, I just don't like hordes of stampeding Zelda fans chasing me, that's all," Link nodded.
"Oh right. Not good with large crowds," Navi sighed.
"Please help everyone!" Goron Link grabbed Link's tunic. "My dad, Darunia, went to the Fire Temple. A dragon is inside! If we don't hurry up, even my dad will be eaten by the dragon!!"
"Whoa! Whoa!" Link exclaimed. "Slow down there, junior!"
Goron Link started to cry.
"Ummm…" Link paused.
"…Well, crap," Navi muttered.
"B-b-b-boooo hooooo!" Goron Link sobbed.
Link and Navi stared blankly at the Goron child.
"What should I do?" Link asked out of the corner of his mouth.
"You'd better try and calm him down if you can… Maybe he will calm down if you talk to him? What do you want to ask him?" Navi's body jolted.
"I dunno!" Link whispered harshly. "What do you ask a crying Goron when his dad is somewhere and there are dragons involved somehow?!"
"Try asking him about what's going on," Navi whispered back. "You know, to see if you can help comfort him or something?"
"Okay, um…" Link scratched his head. "Let's see… Want to tell me about the Dragon, um…Link?"
"A long time ago there was an evil dragon named Volvogia living in this mountain. That dragon was very scary!" Goron Link sniffed.
"Oh?" Link tried to sound interested. "How so?"
"He ate Gorons!" Goron Link explained.
There was another pause.
"Dang, that guy's got guts!" Navi exclaimed.
"Navi!" Link whispered harshly.
"What can I say? Gorons eat rocks for crying out loud!" Navi pointed out. "That guy would need diamond dentures!"
Goron Link began crying even harder.
"Ummm… How did the bad dragon die?" Link asked. "Is that a good question?"
"By using a large hammer, the hero of the Gorons…BOOOM!" Goron Link sniffled. "He beat the high score on 'Whack-a-Volvogia'! This is a myth from long ago, but it's true! I know, because my dad is a descendant of the hero! He inherited his whacking muscles."
"…And you didn't?" Link asked.
Goron Link started crying again.
"I guess that's a touchy topic too," Link paused.
"Sheesh, that mom of his must have had bad genetics," Navi said.
"B-b-b-boooo hooooo!" Goron Link wailed.
"You'd better try and calm him down if you can… Maybe he will calm down if you talk to him? What do you want to ask him?" Navi twitched madly.
"You just said that…" Link pointed out.
"It's O.N.A.! Sheesh!" Navi huffed. "Anyway, hurry up and ask something or I might act up again."
"Why don't you ask him something?" Link huffed. "You're the one who made the crack about his mom's genetics."
Navi began to vibrate. "You'd better try and calm him down if you can… Maybe he will calm down if you talk to him? What do you want to ask him?"
Link sighed. Link turned to the Goron.
"So, uh, Link, buddy. What happened to the other Gorons?" Link asked.
"Everyone was taken to the Fire Temple…While my dad was out…Ganondorf's followers came and took them all away!" Goron Link exclaimed.
"I knew the Destroyer of Malls was up to no good!" Navi huffed.
"W-What?" Goron Link blinked.
"You don't want to know," Link sighed.
"Anyways…All of them will be eaten by Volvogia!" Goron Link sniffled. "Dad said that Ganondorf has revived Volvogia… As a warning to those who might appose him, Ganondorf is going to feed them all to Volvogia!"
"Like I said," Navi nodded, "diamond dentures."
"Okay, so, where's you're dad now?" Link asked. "Maybe we can lend him a hand."
"Dad went to the Fire Temple all by himself to try and save everyone… Please help, Link!" Goron Link pleaded.
"Of course we will—" Link began.
"What's in it for us?" Navi asked. "Many Ocarina of Time fans dislike the Goron race. What is keeping us from leaving you guys to fend for yourselves, and preventing you from being in future generations of games?"
"Do I sense a desperate attempt to gain a fandom?" Link looked at Navi.
"I'll give this heat-resistant tunic!" Goron Link sounded hopeful.
"We'll take it!" Navi grinned.
DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Goron Tunic! It's a bright red tunic that doesn't go with Link's complexion. Oh, and it's fire-proof or something.
"…I think that short time we spent dabbling in the Black Market had a bad influence on you," Link said.
"Softy," Navi huffed.
"Oh, I'll be right back!" Goron Link nodded.
Goron Link rolled down into the lowest part of the city. Soon, the doors to Darunia's Throne Room and item shop opened up.)
"…Okay, how'd he do that?" Navi asked.
"SIMPLE!" Goron Link yelled from the bottom floor. "I HAVE THE KEYS!"
"Well, that explains it…" Link muttered.
"You know, he could have just said 'because magic' and gotten away with it," Navi said.
Goron Link rolled back up to where Link and Navi were standing by means of the stairs. He stood up on arrival.
"Dad told me not to let anybody follow him to the Temple, but…only you, Link, can save everyone!" Goron Link seemed confident.
"Pssh, I don't think he could even tie his own shoes if he wanted to…" Navi scoffed.
"Navi…"
"Yes, Link?"
"How do you go about 'tying shoes'?" Link asked.
"I have no clue! Why are you asking me?" Navi huffed.
"You were the one who mentioned it," Link said.
"…Shut up," Navi sounded embarrassed.
"I'm sure that the shop owner, who is hiding somewhere right now, will also help you!" Goron Link added.
"Ah ha! So there is more than one Goron!" Navi exclaimed. "The name does not need to be changed!"
Navi danced on the spot.
"…Uhhh…" Goron Link paused.
"Another thing you don't want to ask about," Link sighed.
"…Now, I'll tell you about the secret passage to the Fire Temple!" Goron Link laughed nervously. "Try and move the statue inside dad's room!"
"You mean the one he purposefully stood in front of to keep any overly curious gamers from going into the volcano by accident?" Navi asked.
"That's the one!" Goron Link smiled.
"Thanks for the tip!" Link exclaimed.
"And thanks for going to save my dad and his people!" Goron Link added.
"And thanks for giving me my first option to wardrobe change in my life!" Link grinned.
"And thanks for listening to my tale," Goron Link grinned. "I really appreciate it."
"And thanks for telling me where all the Gorons went," Link said. "I was really beginning to wonder where they had gone."
"And thanks for—" Goron Link began.
"Oh my Farore, will you two shut up and get going?" Navi groaned.
"Fine," Link groaned.
Link hopped down into the center of Goron City. There was a loud crunch.
"And try not to—"
"Owwww!"
"LINK!!"
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After a moment of foot therapy, Link headed to Darunia's room, and pulled the statue away. Sure enough, there was a secret passageway behind it. Turns out it was a direct passageway to the Crater of Death Mountain.
Using his rusted Hookshot, Link managed to cross a burning bridge he found there. As soon as he crossed, Sheik fell from the sky.
"HOLY CUCCO TURDS!!" Link screamed.
"Nice to see you again, too," Sheik huffed.
Sheik examined Link from head to toe. He wore his new Goron Tunic, which kept him from feeling the heat.
"I see you acquired a new tunic," Sheik said.
"Yeah," Link sighed. "But Navi says it doesn't look that good on me."
"Red is so not your colour," Navi huffed. "At least not that shade of red. Maybe if it was a darker colour…"
"But this one's fireproof!" Link protested.
"Red still isn't your colour!" Navi said.
Sheik nodded. "I agree."
"There! See! Even—wait, what?" Navi blinked.
Sheik cleared his throat.
"It's something that grows over time…a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger over time… The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power," Sheik explained.
"Blossom into power? Like Din's Fire? Only with flowers?" Link asked.
"An odd connection, but no. Not like Din's Fire," Sheik sighed.
"Don't worry, I miss the burning too," Navi patted Link on the back. "But if we set it off here, we'd end up burning the bridge we're standing on and falling into the lava."
Link looked at the lava below him. A bubble burst.
"…That's a good point," Link said.
"Ahem."
"Sorry, Sheik," Link nodded.
"Through it, you will know which way to go…" Sheik explained. "This song is dedicated to the power of the heart…Listen to the 'Bolero of Fire'…"
Sheik pulled the harp out of his back pocket again.
"Say… Sheik? Can I ask you something?" Link asked.
"Shoot," Sheik said. "But make it quick. I'm kinda standing in the middle of an active volcano without any fire protection."
"Where do you get that harp? It looks like you pulled it out of your butt…" Link told Sheik.
"…I hid it in my back pocket…" Sheik paused.
"But you're wearing a tight jumpsuit, right? If it was in your back pocket, then wouldn't we be able to see it?" Link asked.
There was an awkward pause.
"Because magic," Sheik huffed. "Now, do you want to learn this song or not?"
"Not really, no," Link picked his teeth with his sword.
"…It's your destiny," Sheik paused.
"Ehh, I don't care," Link shrugged. "The world's already totally messed up. And I doubt whatever my destiny has to say about me will really change anything."
Sheik rolled his eyes and played Boloro of Fire on his harp. Sheik looked up at Link expectantly.
"Even though it's my destiny, shouldn't I get a choice in the matter?" Link asked.
Sheik began tapping his foot.
"Link, stop being a pain," Navi said.
Link played back Boloro of Fire to Sheik. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned Boloro of Fire! Now Link can warp back to this location whenever he wants! …Not sure why he'd wanna warp back to an active volcano, but whatever.
"Link…I'll see you again…" Sheik said.
Link took a step towards Sheik. A wall of fire shot up between them. Sheik took a couple steps back and threw a Deku Nut at the ground. DUN UN UN UNN! Link became blinded once more! Dang, that's gotta get annoying after a while. The wall of fire calmed down once more.
"Egads!" Navi let out. "How did that not burn through the bridge?!"
"I've got a better question," Link huffed. "Why does Sheik insist on throwing a Deku Nut every time we talk to him?"
"I've got an even better question," Navi added. "Why does Sheik insist on stalking us?"
"I've got an even better question," Link added. "Why can't we see Sheik's harp in his back pocket?"
"I've got an even better question than that," Navi said. "Why are we arguing about this?"
"Ah, good point," Link nodded. "Let's go."
Link and Navi made their way deeper into the volcano.
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After a bit of exploring, Link entered the Fire Temple. In the first room were three tall standing statues, each with a large flame in their opened mouths. However, Link wasn't one for scenery and simply walked up the stairs and out the door on the left.
The room he found himself in was a large lava pit with several tall stone blocks situated throughout the room. By the far wall, underneath the awkwardly placed Whack-A-Mole Rip off sign, Link saw the familiar towering silhouette of Darunia.
"Who's there?" the tall Goron asked. "Is that you, Link…?"
"Oh my Farore! Yes, that's right!" Link slapped his cheek. "How did he know?"
"Link, who else but us has had contact with the Gorons considering the guard they posted at the base of the mountain?" Navi asked. "After all, we saved their people, as Link the Goron said. We obviously left a lasting impression on them. Especially me. Because I'm awesome—"
"Did you bring someone with you?" Darunia blinked. "I don't see anyone…"
There was a long pause.
"Hello?" Darunia asked. "Who's with you, brother?"
Navi sighed heavily. "It's the tooth fairy."
"Ohh! A fairy that works magic with teeth, eh?" Darunia chuckled. "I lost some in a fight last month. Do ya think you can do some magic stuff to make 'em grow back?"
There was another pause.
"Why has everyone gone quiet?" Darunia asked.
"Okay, so, who are you again?" Link asked.
Navi slapped her forehead. "Are you serious? After we just talked with his son?"
"Er, uh…" Link bit his lip. "I'm bad with names?"
"Ohh! You've talked to my son, have you?" Darunia grinned.
"Yeah! Um," Link paused, "looks like you got a wife, huh?"
"Who's the lucky lady?" Navi asked.
Darunia inhaled sharply. "Well… Ummm… First you should know about the accident…with the Cuccos…and the giant bottle of Lon Lon Milk—"
"Okay, I just don't wanna know," Navi asked.
"So, um, okay, something happened between your wife and the Cuccos," Link paused. "Anything else new?"
"Brother, I want have a man-to-man talk, but now is not the time," Darunia said with a stern expression.
"Uhh…Okay?" Link asked.
"Sheesh, we're just trying to be conversational," Navi huffed.
"Ganondorf is causing trouble on Death Mountain again! He has revived the evil, ancient dragon Volvogia!" Darunia explained. "On top of that, he is going to feed my people to that evil dragon as a warning to the other races that might resist him… If that fire-breathing dragon escapes from the mountain, all of Hyrule will become a burning wasteland!"
"Yes!" Navi cheered to herself.
Link paused. "We'll get you help later."
"I will go on ahead and try to seal up the evil dragon by beating the high score…I'm concerned, though, because I don't have a whacking hammer…" Darunia mumbled.
"Whacking hammer?" Navi raised an eyebrow.
"Isn't 'whacking' what all hammers are supposed to do?" Link asked.
"But I have no choice," Darunia sighed. "Link…I'm asking you to do this as my Sworn Brother…While I'm trying to deal with dragon, please save my people!"
"But that's boring!" Navi protested.
"Quiet, tooth fairy," Link nudged Navi. "So, where are they?"
"The prisoner's cells are in the opposite direction," Darunia nodded. "I'm counting on you, Link!"
Link watched as Darunia went through the boss's room without a key. Odd. Link then looked around the room.
"Hey! Look!" Navi exclaimed.
"Hurry up and spit out the O.N.A.," Link sighed.
"No!" Navi let out. "I'm not having an attack right now! Just look over there!"
"Okay, but if I hear one 'listen', I'm leaving you in this room," Link said.
"Gah! That sign," Navi pointed to something. "Look at that sign!"
Link looked up and saw a large banner hanging from the ceiling above the Boss's Room. Printed on it in large font was…
"…Navi, can you read that for me?" Link asked.
"Gah!" Navi let out. "Do I have to do everything for you?"
"No," Link said. "Just reading."
Navi grumbled to herself and began reading the sign aloud for Link.
"'WHACK-A-VOLVOGIA! Grand Prize: A Shiny Medallion!' is what it says. There! Happy now?" Navi asked.
"Yes," Link nodded. "Basically, it's a game where you win a prize."
"If you ask me," Navi paused, "this seems easy. Too easy."
"Hey, I'm all for it," Link shrugged. "After all, the prize is not just some medallion, it's a Shiny Medallion. And everybody likes shiny things."
"You know Link, for a guy of nineteen, you need to stop acting like you're twelve…" Navi sighed.
"I was twelve when I pulled the sword out, right?" Link asked.
"Well, yes, but…" Navi paused.
"Exactly! I can act however old I want! And who knows?" Link smiled. "This 'Whack-a-Volvo' thing could be fun!"
"But don't we need the hammer to do that?" Navi asked.
"Do we?" Link asked.
Navi pointed to the sign. Link squinted to see some finer print at the bottom of the sign.
"Can't read."
"DANG IT!" Navi let out.
Navi took a deep breath and read the sign aloud.
Navi rolled her eyes, "'P.S. Whacking hammer not provided. Volvogia ate the provided one.'"
"Okay, fine," Link rolled his eyes. "We'll get the hammer, then come back. How hard could it be?"
Five hours later…
"Bloody…Hammer… Chest…fire…switch…running…killer bats…AUGUGHAGUAHG!" Link bellowed.
Link staggered his way toward the boss's door. Using his sword as a cane, he stabbed his way across the tiles. Link was covered in several cuts, bruises, and third degree burns. Even Navi did not come out unscarred, and wore a little band aid.
"Look on the bright side, Link," Navi said. "We got to see a lot of things burning."
"How is that looking on the bright side—" Link asked.
"FIRE! IT BRILLIANT! BWAHAHA!" Navi cackled.
"Yeeaah, you definitely need help," Link sighed. "Now, where I can get you psychological counseling is a different matter."
"No! No," Navi coughed. "I'm, uh, perfectly normal. I'm not weird. Nope, not at all. I don't like fire in the slightest."
Navi's eyelid twitched.
"Riiiiight," Link raised both eyebrows.
"So, uh, what about the Gorons?" Navi asked. "We did kinda just leave half of them there…"
"Ehh," Link shrugged. "If we take out that Volvo guy, there won't be anything out else there to eat 'em, right? They'll be fine locked up."
"They might starve," Navi added.
"They eat rocks," Link huffed. "They can eat their way out."
"Ah, good point," Navi nodded.
"Anyway, that Volvo guy," Link panted. "Let's…beat him."
Link hobbled over to the boss's door.
"Don't you think we should regain some more energy before we go in there?" Navi asked.
"I'm young, strong, and fit!" Link smirked. "Besides—that Darunia guy probably weakened Volvo considerably, if not defeated him by now. This should be a cake walk."
"If you say so," Navi sighed.
Link looked at the door. On it was a large lock surrounded by chains. To the side of the door was a piece of paper nailed awkwardly to the wall, and beside it was a small open slot. Link rummaged through his pockets.
"Great… I forgot to get the key, didn't I…?" Link muttered.
"Do we need one?" Navi asked.
"We've needed one every dungeon before this one, so, yes," Link said. "Yes, we do."
"Hello," Navi pointed behind her. "Rupee slot."
"Rupee slot?" Link blinked.
"Just look at the sign," Navi said.
Link looked at the sign.
"Can't read."
"I hate you."
Navi flew over to the sign.
"'Payment Instructions: one rupee for one minute, five rupees for five minute, ten rupees for ten minutes, and one hundred rupees for one hundred minutes'," Navi sighed. "Basically, pay the exact same amount of rupees for time."
"But wouldn't it be one hour and forty minutes as opposed to one hundred minutes?" Link asked.
"I guess the person who wrote the sign was bad at conversions," Navi said. "Anyway, hurry up and pay."
Link put in five rupees.
"Oh come on! Only five minutes?!" Navi huffed.
"I only need five minutes," Link smiled. "'Cause I'm just that cool."
The door to the boss's room sped open. The lock and chains still held, and clattered with the lack of the door's presence.
"You're wounded in several places and you only have three hearts!" Navi protested. "You're insane!"
"Or just that cool," Link nodded.
Navi slapped her forehead. Link entered the boss's room. Navi paused, sighed, and sped in after him.
________________________________________________________________________
Navi entered the room to see Link standing facing a pit of lava. Towering out of the lava was a large stone slab with several holes also filled with lava.
"Hmm, we'd better be cautious," Navi pondered. "After all, we are up against a dragon living in a volcano. If we make a mistake, the chances are that he will use them against us—"
Link leapt playfully through the air. "Weee~!"
"L-L-LINK!" Navi hissed.
Navi whizzed after her Hylian partner. They both jumped back when a long, black dragon covered in lava flew into the air. Link's eyes followed the long body until his gaze found the face of the beast, which was coming straight for him. It let out a shrill roar.
Navi's jaw dropped. "My…Din…!"
"It looks like an ugly cross between a goat and a lava snake!" Link looked repulsed.
"I have no idea how you arrived to that conclusion but…oh well," Navi sighed.
"P-Pr-Pre-Prepare yourself h-h-h-he-hero!" the beast let out.
"Holy guacamole! It talked!" Link gagged.
"That can't be canon," Navi said.
"I-I-I-I-I is Vol-vol-vol-volvogia!" Volvogia hissed.
"And, apparently, you have a speaking problem," Navi rolled her eyes.
"I-I'm still getting used to the idea of it…talking…" Link gulped.
"Y-y-y-y-y-y-you is wasting your ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-time! You only have th-th-th-thr-thre-three seconds left," Volvogia hissed.
"You mean fifty, right?" Link asked.
Volvogia ducked into a nearby lava hole.
"Bah, what the heck," Link shrugged. "Let's just kill you. HIYA!"
Link raised the hammer above his head. He closed his eyes, aiming at the lava beast, whose head was protruding out of the nearby lava hole. He slammed the hammer down on the beast's head, which caused it to shriek in pain. 1000 points blinked at the top corner of the screen.
Link was about to swing at the dragon again when a loud beeping rang out through the room.
"What the…? I'm not low on hearts?" Link raised an eyebrow.
"Ahh! What is that?!" Navi gagged.
A large, metal claw descended from the ceiling. It grabbed the back of Link's tunic, and began pulling him up. Link squirmed wildly, which unfortunately yielded no results.
________________________________________________________________________
Link was flung out of the boss's room.
'Rrrrrrr! Time ran out! Please insert rupees to play again,' an automated recording played.
"Uhhh…" Navi paused.
"Oh come on!" Link bellowed. "That was the shortest five minutes I've ever!"
"Wait… I misread it… It says 'seconds' not 'minutes'…" Navi told Link. "Whoopsies."
Link glared at Navi.
"Hey, even I miss things sometimes too, okay?" Navi shrugged.
"…I hate you," Link grumbled.
"Finally, a mutual agreement," Navi smirked.
Link crossed his arms and turned away from Navi.
"Can you just pay the machine again so we can beat that guy?" Navi asked.
"Fine, Miss I-can't-readie pants," Link grumbled.
Link put five rupees in the slot. The boss's room opened once more.
"Hey! Hey! Whoa, now!" Navi buzzed. "I know this is blind robbery, but come on! Give yourself more time than that!"
"Oh puh-lease, Navi," Link smirked. "Trust me. I've got this under control."
Link walked into the boss's room.
"…How come after you say that, trusting you is the last thing I'm able to do?" Navi sighed.
Navi flew in after Link.
________________________________________________________________________
Navi entered to see Link already over at the slab of rock with lava holes. Volvogia had a distinct grin on his face.
"B-b-b-ba-bac-back so soo-soo-soon?" Volvogia snickered.
"You'd better believe it!" Link grinned. "And this time around, I have the advantage! I may not have been out there for long, but I managed to weaken you a bit! If I can hit you at least once every time I come in here, I will eventually take you down!"
Volvogia began chuckling to himself.
Link frowned. "Your health resets every time I come back, doesn't it?"
"Y-y-yu-yu-yup," Volvogia snickered.
"DANG IT!" Link let out.
"Link, this is why I don't trust you when it comes to these things," Navi said.
A loud beeping rang out again, and the metal claw descended down upon Link once more.
________________________________________________________________________
Link was flung out of the boss's room.
'Rrrrrrr! Time ran out! Please insert rupees to play again,' an automated recording played.
"Why do I feel like that five seconds was somehow shorter?" Navi asked.
"Can I kill that thing?" Link muttered.
"Well, I think if we think of a good plan, then maybe we can take down Volvogia and beat the high score, yes," Navi said.
"No, I meant the machine," Link grumbled. "It's reminding me of you."
(Navi glared at Link.)
"…when you have O.N.A.!" Link chuckled nervously. "Yeah! That's when."
"Anyway," Navi huffed. "It's obvious that we need to think things through before going in there. First of all, it'd be a good idea if we had a longer time than five seconds. Fifty? A hundred?"
"And waste more than five rupees?" Link looked aghast. "No way!"
"Okay, then," Navi sighed, "we've got to consider our resources. Now, we know that it's weak against the legendary whacking hammer, but what else do we think we could use? Bombs? Arrows?"
A wicked grin spread across Link's face.
"You have an idea?" Navi asked.
"Heh heh heh heh…" Link chuckled.
"Why do I not like where this is going?" Navi paled.
________________________________________________________________________
Volvogia filed his nails when the door to the room opened up again. Link leapt forward. Volvogia threw the nail file in the lava.
"Ready to b-b-b-b-b-b-b-be beaten?" the dragon smirked.
"Not so fast! We have a plan!" Link proclaimed.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Navi groaned.
"Y-y-y-y-you did last time as w-w-we-wel-well, to-too," Volvogia yawned. "T-t-that d-d-didn't work out so w-we-well, now di-di-did it?"
"Well…uh…" Link paused. "S-Shut up! We've got a better one!"
"O-o-o-o-o-oh?"
"Yep!" Link grinned. "TAKE THIS!"
Link chucked the bottle of sour milk through the air.
"A-A-A-AI-AI-AIIIIEEEEE!" Volvogia shrieked.
The milk hit Volvogia right between the eyes. He died anticlimactically.
"…Oh my Din, I can't believe that actually worked," Navi paused.
'NEW RECORD!' played loudly.
Confetti fell from the ceiling.
"Boo yah!" Link whooped. "Didn't that feel great, Navi?"
"I just feel ripped off that we wasting five hours finding that stupid whacking hammer and we didn't even end up using it," Navi grumbled.
"Shhh," Link held a finger to his mouth. "Don't spoil the moment."
There was a pause.
"Ahhh, that's better," Link smiled. "Okay, so, I'm all for getting out of here."
"Yeah, as am I," Navi said. "It's literally boiling in here. And if it weren't for my NPC privileges, I would be a flaming little soot ball by now."
"Shall we?" Link asked.
Link began walking toward the teleportation device on the floor.
"Wait a second," Navi paused.
Link stopped in his tracks. "Hm?"
"Isn't that the teleportation device that Saria made?" Navi asked.
"I though Rauru gave it to her," Link paused.
"Whatever, the one that Ivan talked about. How he got it doesn't matter," Navi huffed. "Come over here."
Link gazed at the portal on the floor. It looked identical to the one they used in the Forest Temple.
"Huh, you're right," Link blinked.
"What's it doing here?" Navi asked.
"Maybe Ivan braved the volcano?" Link asked.
"No, that can't be it," Navi shook her head. "Ivan's sheer amount of fail broke his NPC privileges a long time ago."
"Then, well, uh," Link bit his lip. "To be honest, I have no clue as to why it's here."
"Whatever, it's probably nothing," Navi sighed. "Just forget I mentioned it."
"It's going to bother me now—"
"Forget I mentioned it."
"But—"
"Forget it."
Link sighed and stepped into the portal.
________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile… The wreath of flame around Death Mountain erupted. Several of Hyrule's citizens gasp at the sight. The sky faded back to its blue colour.
________________________________________________________________________
…Umm… That was random… Anyway, Link warped into the Chamber of the Sages. Darunia rose up from out of the red platform on the ground. He was grinning widely.
"Thank you, Brother! I really appreciate what you did. I thank you on the behalf of the entire Goron race!" Darunia exclaimed.
"Thanks!" Link chuckled. "It was nothing, really!"
"You're enjoying this way too much…" Navi sighed.
"Ooohhh!" Darunia's face lit up. "You brought the tooth fairy with you! Can you do magic on my teeth now?"
Darunia opened his mouth widely to reveal several unkempt teeth that would have made any dentist faint. Link and Navi cringed.
"Uhhh…" Navi paused. "No thanks?"
"Say, Darunia," Link began, "I was wondering. How did you survive?"
"What do you mean by that, Brother?" Darunia asked.
"Well, when I entered the boss's room to defeat Volvo, you weren't anywhere to be seen," Link said. "I kinda just assumed that you had died, that's all."
There was a pause.
"You turned out to be a real man, just as I thought you would!" Darunia smirked.
"Oh come on," Link groaned. "Don't try and change the topic on me. It's not going to work—"
"Him? A real man?" Navi burst out laughing. "Pffft—HA HA HA HA HA!"
Link face palmed.
"I, the wild Darunia, turned out to be the great Sage of Fire… Isn't that funny, Brother?" Darunia asked. "Well, this must be what they call destiny. Nothing has made me happier than helping you seal the evil here and break my ancestor's High Score!"
"I broke the high score?" Link asked, shocked, as Navi got off the floor and flew above Link's head.
"What? Did you think that loud 'new record' crap was there just to confuse you?" Navi asked.
"It might have been," Link shrugged.
"Well, as the sign says, you win this! This is a medallion that contains the power of the fire spirits—and my friendship," Darunia smiled.
Link began to drool. "Shiiinnnyyy…"
"Ooo…" Navi joined in.
DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUHHH!!! Link got the Fire Medallion! This medallion is not only shiny, but also contains the heat of a thousand flames and—oh crap! Link's Deku Shield burned up!
Link was warped out of the Chamber of the Sages when a white light engulfed him.
"Don't forget…now you and I are true Brothers!" said the voice on the wind.
"I still won't fix your teeth!" Navi yelled back.
_______________________________________________________________________
Link was warped back into the volcano, and by the entrance to the Fire Temple. Link, with some pestering from Navi, explored the area until they came across a cave. Link walked inside to see that familiar Great Fairy Fountain set up.
"Oh great," Navi gulped.
Link shrugged. "Well, we don't have all day."
Link pulled out his ocarina.
"Link, are you sure you wanna do this?" Navi asked. "After all, if three fountains weren't coincidence enough, then—"
"Look, Navi, I know that you are convinced that all fountains that look like this have Great Fairies in them, and, of that, you may be right," Link huffed. "However, after seeing three of them looking similar, it's not fair to expect the fourth one to be the same."
"They didn't look similar, they were freaking identical!" Navi buzzed.
"Navi, stereotyping is wrong," Link glared at the fairy. "Besides, maybe fairies have changed over seven years."
"True," Navi paused. "And it has been seven years. You might have grown up a bit since then."
Link glared at Navi. "Navi, we've been over this."
"I know, just saying," Navi shrugged.
Link huffed, and played Zelda's Lullaby. Another large woman twirled out.
"Welcome Link!" the Great Fairy winked.
"AUUUGGGHHH!" Link slapped his hands over his eyes.
There was a pause.
"Okay, I guess not," Navi said.
"Why?! WHY DO THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME?!" Link bellowed.
"Laziness on the Game Designers part?" Navi shrugged. "Either way, you're old enough to cover your own eyes for a change."
The Great Slut coughed.
"Sorry."
"I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom!" the Slutty Fairy grinned. "I am going to enhance your magic power. Receive it now!"
Link's Magic Meter Doubled! This means that you need twice as many magic bottles to fill it up again!
"Your magic power has been enhanced!" the 'Great Fairy' giggled. "Now you have twice as much magic power! When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me."
"Augh! Cannot unsee!" Link squirmed. "Why can't I unsee that?!"
The Great Fairy shrunk away into the fountain, cackling all the way.
________________________________________________________________________
Link walked out of the volcano. He was at the peak of the mountain. Link was about to begin the mountain climb when Navi's body jolted. Navi fluttered down to the ground, and Link bent over her.
"An artic wind is blowing from Zora's River…" Navi spluttered. "Do you feel it?"
"From on top of a mountain?" Link blinked.
Navi flew up again, perfectly fine.
"O.N.A.," Navi grumbled.
Link shrugged. "I figured as much."
"Well, since the O.N.A. mentioned Zora's River, I'm guessing that's where we're supposed to go next."
"That much is obvious," Link said.
"So, shall we?" Navi asked.
"Can I just see if the Cucco Lady wants me to collect her Cuccos—" Link asked.
Navi pointed in the opposite direction. "Go."
Link pulled out his ocarina and warped away.
