In Kakkariko Village

Link: So you are saying you want me to risk my life and give this chicken to your brother who is somewhere in the world. 

Chicken Lady: Pretty much. 

Link: Well screw you. I’m leaving. 

Navi: (Stops Link.) Wait. Maybe we could find a better use for that chicken. You know trade it for items you know stuff like that. 

Link: Good Idea. (Turns to Chicken Lady.) I’ll take it. 

During the night we find Link sitting by a river with a fire going and something cooking on a rotisserie like thing. 

Link: Man this looks good. 

Navi: Yeah it does. 

Link: Now we will let this go for about 10 minutes. (Pulls out Blue Chicken.) So what are we going to do with this? 

Navi: Dunno. Maybe we could sell it. I mean how many Blue chickens do you come across in a lifetime? 

Suddenly another Blue Chicken runs across the screen. 

Link: So far. 2. 

Navi: Well……………Maybe its good eating? 

Link: Yeah. Tomorrow nights dinner. 

Navi: Oh. No wait. We are going out to dinner with Gannondorf and Zelda to discuss that proposition. 

Link: Dammit. Well……………  

Suddenly Ooccoo falls from the sky. 

Link and Navi: What the……………..??? 

Ooccoo: Hello young traveller. I live in the skies. Can you help me to get back up there? 

Link: What? Dear god no we have too much on our plate already. (Passes a plate over Navi who drops it.) Awwww Navi. (Turns to Ooccoo.) Sorry what was that you wanted me to do? 

Ooccoo: I want to get back up to my home in the sky. 

Link: NOOOOOOO. THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH TO BE ASKING. 

Ooccoo: All I ask is you help me get back up to my home. 

Link: (Ignoring Ooccoo.) Try and make it simpler so I can understand. 

Navi: Well ok. Could we go for Ice-Cream after we have had something to eat? 

Link: Oh yeah sure. (Turns to Ooccoo.) So what did you want me to do? 

Ooccoo: (Getting angry.) I WANT YOU TO GET ME BACK UP TO MY HOME IN THE SKY. 

Link: Well with that tone things just wont work. 

Ooccoo: Sorry for losing my temper. 

Link: (Ignoring Ooccoo again.) Its pretty boring for a cellphone to have a simple ring ring tone. There was this cool ringtone where Captain Falcon says Falcon Punch continuously for your ringtone. 

Ooccoo: Oh forget it. I’ll just wait for another few hundred years and ask again. (Runs off.)

In the Middle of Hyrule Field 

Link: Hey Navi I just realised. 

Navi: What? 

Link: We forgot to free all those Gorons from the Fire Temple. 

Navi: Oh Crap. We must go and save them. 

Link: Yeah. But then again I really can’t be bothered walking all the way to Death Mountain then back to Kakkariko Village. 

Navi:………………………………….You realise Sheik has been teaching us Warp songs every time we meet him. 

Link: Really? I just thought he was just giving us useless information. 

Navi: Most of it was. But the songs were actually useful. Quick play the Bolero of Fire and we can save those Gorons.  

Link: Right. (Pulls out Ocarina and pauses.)………………………Uhhhhhhh. How does it go again? 

Navi: What? Go to the Quest Subscreen and look there. 

Link: The what? 

Navi: Oh don’t worry it goes like this. (Tinkles the Bolero of Fire.) 

Link: OK. (Plays the Bolero of Fire and Warps to the Death Mountain Crater.) 

In Death Mountain Crater. 

Link: Man. It is hot in here. (Quickly puts on his Goron Tunic.) Ahhhhh. Much better. Now quickly into the (Voice Echoes.) FIRE TEMPLE. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.) 

Navi: Yeah. Link: OK. (Runs off in completely the wrong direction.) 

Navi: (Yells after him.) HEY. LINK, IT IS IN HERE. 

Link: (Yells back.) I KNOW. I JUST WANT TO CHECK SOMETHING OUT. 

Navi: Fine. (Flies after him.) 

In the Great Fairy Fountain (Inside the Death Mountain Crater.)  

Link: Oh crap it is another one of those damned Fairy Fountains. 

Navi: Yeah. Damned Prostitutes. 

Link: How many times do I have to say it Navi? They are NOT prostitutes. They are woman how sell themselves to a man for an hour for money. Oh wait that is a Prostitute. 

Navi: Exactly. Now lets see what this Fairy will give us. 

Link: Oh I hope it is more items. 

Navi: NO. Remember the first one we meet. 

Link: Oh yeah.  

Flashback starts but then stops. 

Link: Huh. What happened? 

Navi: Oh. We have already had a flashback of what you did to the first one and the writers cannot be bothered flashingback. They only put what is necessary, not some useless garbage.

   Captain Falcon: Yeah. Show me Your moves.

Link and Navi:.......................................??!!??  

Captain Falcon: Whoah there goes my ride. (Runs off.) 

Link: Wow. That was more disturbing when Navi sings in the shower. 

Navi: Yeah………………..Wait. What?  

Link: Anyway. (Walks up to the Triforce symbol and plays Zelda’s Lullaby.) 

Great Fairy: (Rises up laughing.) 

Link: And once again we have to endure that shrieking. If it happens once more I will do something terrible……….. 

Navi: Yeah. 

Link:…………to Navi. 

Navi: Yeah……………Wait. What? 

Great Fairy: Welcome to my Spring Hero. For releasing me I will give you one wish and ONLY one wish. 

Link: Sweet. I Wish Lucario was playable in Super Smash Bros Brawl. 

Great Fairy: (Clicks fingers.) Done. 

Navi: Link. You realise that Lucario was already playable in Super Smash Bros Brawl? 

Link: Yeah because I wished it. 

Navi: Even without the Wish Lucario is an un-lockable character. 

Link: WHAT? SO I WASTED ONE PERFECTLY GOOD WISH? 

Navi: Pretty much. 

Link: (Threatningly Points to the Great Fairy.) YOU BETTER GIVE ME ONE MORE WISH OR ELSE I WILL KILL YOU. 

Great Fairy: *whimper* Very well you have one more wish. 

Link: Sweet. I wish there was there was a sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. 

Great Fairy: (Snaps fingers.) Done. Link: Yeah. Navi we are going to be in another game. 

Navi: There was already a Sequel. Link: What? So I wasted a good wish again? 

Navi: (Nods.) 

Link: AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH 

Great Fairy: *whimper* 

Link: (Quickly pulls out his sword and uses the Triforce Slash that you see in Super Smash Bros Brawl. Except it doesn’t send her flying away and she loses a life once he is finished with it. It actually cuts her up into a million pieces and she LOSES her life.)…………….. (Finishes and is breathing deeply.) 

Navi: Maybe we should go now? 

Link: FINE. (Sheathes his sword and walks out.) 

Back in the Death Mountain Crater. 

Link: (Calmed down.) Hey maybe we should go over and up the ladder and see what is up there? 

Navi: Yeah. OK there maybe something useful up there. No wait a minute its the Summit of Death Mountain. 

Link: Sweet. There is that Biggorn up there who is really nice and is an anger management therapist. He may help me out in this situation. 

Navi: That would certainly help. 

Link: Shut up. 

Later on the Death Mountain Summit. 

Link: Hey Biggoron I need your help. 

Biggoron: (Rises up and is continuously rubbing his eyes.) Hellooooooooo Brooooooootheeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. 

Link: Are you OK? 

Biggoron: Yesterrrrrrrrrrrrrrdaysssssssssssss eruptionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn hurrrrttttttttttttt myyyyyyyy eyeeeesssssssssssss reallllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy badddddd. I ammmm asssssssssssssss blindddddddddddddd asssssssss a baaaaaatttttttttttttt. 

Link: Awww poor you. Sorry about that mate is there anything I can do to help? 

Biggoron: Welllllllllll youuuuuuu coulllld goo seeeeeeeeee Kinggg Zoraaaaaaaaa. Heeeeeeeee hasssss gooooooooodddddddd eyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dropssssssssssssssssss. Iffffffffff youuuuuuuuuu didddddddd thattttttttttt thennnnnnnnnnnnnn IIIIIIIIIIIIII wouldddddddddd giveeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuu oooonnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee oofffffffffffffff my Swordssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss thatttttttttttt isssssssssss muchhhhhhhhhhhhh moreeeeee strongerrrrr thennnnnn yourrrrr Masssssssssssssssteeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr Swwwooorrrrrrdddddddddd. 

Link: Really? (Suddenly realises.) So you have lots of those in your workshop ready for you to give out? 

Biggoron: Yesssssssssssssssssssss 

Link: And say if someone ran into your workshop and took one you couldn’t see them and you wouldn’t know if someone took one. 

Biggoron: Yessssssssssss. 

Link: (Quickly whispers to Navi.) Quick while he is blinded we can sneak into his workshop and steal one of those swords. 

Navi: Good Idea. But I feel bad doing it. 

Link: Just think of it as borrowing. Not Stealing and you will feel much better. 

Navi: OK. Link: Great. Now distract him and I will sneak in and grab one. (To Biggoron.) I am just going to see the Great Fairy and heal myself OK. Navi is here to keep you company while I am in there. 

Biggoron: OOKKKKKKKKKKK. 

30 Minutes Later. 

Link: (Holding the Biggoron Sword.) Ain’t I a Genius? 

Navi: Must I answer. 

Link: Yes. Navi: Well for this you were but at most other time you aren’t. 

Link: I’ll take that. Now we will walk down to the Kakkariko Village and do the (Voice Echoes.) SHADOW TEMPLE. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.) 

Navi: Yeah. 

Link: But first I need to talk to Saria. She may have some advice. (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays Serenade of Water by accident and Warps to the Lake.) 

At Lake Hylia 

Link: DAMMIT. 

Navi: Well. Lets start walking. 

Link: *groan.* 

Navi: Wait. We forgot to save the Gorons. 

Link: Screw them. They are probably dead already. C’mon let us just go to Kakkariko Village and get that drunk. 

End of Part III – To be concluded in Part IV………………….I hope.