Camera pans over Hyrule Field, towards Kokiri Forest. And on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, there's some Kokiri kid without a fairy. Let's go laugh at him or laugh at the Shakespeare tree thing that talks. In Kokiri forest...
Great Deku Tree: Well young Navi the time has come.
Navi: Time? What Time?
Great Deku Tree: Time for you….
Navi: Yes
Great Deku Tree: To……
Navi: YES
Great Deku Tree: Get me Lunch
Navi: Huh???
Great Deku Tree: Chop chop!
Navi: ?!?
A few Minutes Later
Great Deku Tree: Now where was I?
Navi: Telling me about Hyrule
Great Deku Tree: Ahhh yes great place that. The trick is to stick to the paths during nighttime to avoid......
Navi: No no no. About its Future.
Great Deku Tree: Ohhh right. Anyway an evil man is threatning Hyrule yadda yadda yadda and a kid some where in this forest can save this doomed land.
Navi: Right where can I find him?
Great Deku Tree: 13 Kokiri Lane. Now go find him its time for my uhhh afternoon nap (Speaks to him self) ohh good one.
Navi: It’s Mid - Morning
Great Deku Tree: Damn………… Look Just find this kid (mutters to self) Stupid Fairy.
Navi flies off in search for this kid but takes along time considering this fairy is stupid and can’t read signs for Jack-Sh!t. Specially the one that said fence ahead and she plows straight into it.
Navi: Ahhh the pain, or forget this (Flies to random Kokiri) Excuse me but can you point me in 13 Kokiri Lanes direction?
Random Kokiri: That loser. He lives in that Tree House over there.
Navi: (Confused) Thanks
Navi Flies up into the Tree House to find a complete Pig Sty you could hardly see the floor and some Kid was lying down on a bed snoring his head off
Navi: OI YOU KID WAKE UP
Link: (Snores even louder)
Navi: HEY
Link: …… uh (Flicks hand at Navi)
Navi: NO ONE FLICKS A HAND AT NAVI (flies over picks up a book and drops it on Links head)
Link: Owww HEY STUPID FAIRY!!
Navi: Well now I have you attention. Get Dressed we are going to see the Great Deku Tree
Link: (Walks over to his dresser draw and pulls out a Fly Swatter and hides it behind his back) C’mere little fairy I have a surprise for you.
Navi: (Anxious) Really? What?
Link: Guess?
Navi: Ohh I love games
A few minutes Later
Navi: Is it uhhhhh… A Book Link: (Really Angry) NO IT’S THIS (Pulls out Fly Swatter)
Navi: (Scared) Oh. WAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH (Flies away)
Link: (Runs after) C’MERE YOU LITTLE BUG (Runs outside)
They Run out of Link’s house (not before Links trips over his railing and smashes his face into the ground) and they run around for hours until Link runs into Saria
Saria: (Falls to the Ground) Owwww. Why you little…….. Oh hi Link (Blushes)
Navi: (Quickly Flies around behind Saria) *Whimper*
Link: Hey Saria have you seen a Fairy by any chance
Saria: (Excited) WOW you finally have a Fairy
Link: Ummmm, Yeah sure lets go with that.
Navi: (Flies out from Behind Saria)
Saria: So you lucky thing what’s your name?
Navi: Well I wouldn’t consider me lucky to have someone like him but The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to him
Saria: Oh True. It such an honour to talk to him.
Link: Yeasurewhatever can we go now.
Navi: Finally thought you would never ask.
Link and Navi walk to entrance to The Deku Tree Meadow but is stopped by the Incredible (Yeah Right) Mido Forcefield for Death *Bum, Bum, Buuuuummmmmmmm* No seriously Link is just too stupid to walk around Mido.
Mido: Whoah there Mr No-Fairy-(Pauses) THAT-NOW-HAS-A-FAIRY (To whole Kokiri Forest) WHO IS MISSING A FAIRY.
Random Kokiri #1: Not me.
Random Kokiri #2: Nuh uh sorry.
Random Kokiri #3: Nope.
Mido: Well then (Thinks of an Excuse) Uhhh you er ….can’t cause you umm don’t uhhh have a hmmm Sword and Shield (Mutters to self) Yea nice He he he.
Link: Great (Walks off)
An Hour Later
Link: Well I got this Puny Sword and Crappy Shield with this totally cool symbol on it. Can I go through now
Mido: WHA……Nope. Sorry
Link: WHAT!? Mido: You have to pass uh 12 tasks 1. Kill 3 Wolfo’s with your bare Fists.
Link: How else can I get past?
Mido: Well just try and go through me Link: Fine (Pulls out Sword and Cuts Mido in half and walks over his bloody remains)
Navi: Link what was that for?
Link: Lets just say I have a very very very………
2 minutes Later
Link: …very very short temper.
Navi: (Mouth wide open) Well you could use some anger management.
Link: (Shaking fist at Navi) What’ch you talkin’ bout Willis?
Navi: (Quickly) Nothing nothing let just go eh? (Pushes Link Along)
Later in the Deku Tree’s Meadow
Great Deku Tree: Well young one welcome!
Link: (Looking around) Wh-Who said that? C-c-come out if y-you dare
Navi: This kid is meant to be the Sacred Hero of Time, not the scared hero of time and he is afraid of a tree WA HA HA HA HA HA
Link: (Uses fly swatter on Navi)
Navi: Owww that hurt!
Link: He he he
Great Deku Tree: *Ahem*
Link: So this tree can talk huh well I wonder how much money I could make if I put you in a freak show.
Great Deku Tree: F-freak Show (Starts crying)
Link: Wow it can cry too? What else can it do? It almost seems like it has human personalities.
Great Deku Tree: This
It uses its branch to try smack Link but he dodges and hits Navi into the Distance.
Link: Hey you are good for something!
Great Deku Tree: Wow thanks
They go on to Party until Navi flies back and crashes the Party
Navi: YOU TWO ARE PARTYING WHILE HYRULE IS IN DANGER
Link and Great Deku Tree: Pretty Much. Doesn’t concern us.
Navi: (Gets bucket of water and dumps it on them)
Link: Hey what happened here?
Navi: You two that’s what. Now Great Deku Tree tell him about Hyrule.
Great Deku Tree: Ahhh yes well the trick is to……
Navi: No no no the other thing.
Great Deku Tree: Oh Right well……
A few Minutes Later
Great Deku Tree: …and I will die either way Link: (Wipes his eye with a tissue) R-really well I’ll do it for you.
Great Deku Tree: Hmm you are really a good kid. Now I want you inside me....
Link:………………………………………..(Turns and runs away very quickly.)
Deku Tree: No. Wait I meant for you to climb through my mouth instead of the back door.
Link: Oh. Right. C’mon you stupid bug lets go.
Navi: (Angry) What did you just call me?
Link: I..uhhhh… oh my look at the time gotta go Bye (Runs inside the Great Deku Tree)
Navi: C’MERE
A few hours later in the Great Deku Tree they approach the last door to the boss.
Link: Well what’s behind this door?
Navi: (Reading Map) Well it says the Boss Room
Link: Hey where did you get that Map?
Navi: Out of a chest you missed.
Link: Right well let…OUCH
Link was just hit with a Deku Nut
Link: WHO DID THAT?
Deku Scrubs: *Whimper*
Link: WELL.
Deku Scrubs 2 and 3: (Push Deku Scrub 1 out to face Link)
Link: SO IT WAS YOU HUH
Deku Scrub 1: Y-y-y-yes
Link: DIEE!!!
Navi: LINK WAIT!!!!!
Link: (Stops running) What?
Navi: (Flies over to Deku Scrub 1) Well can you tell us how to defeat the Boss or else I’ll let this Maniac…
Link: Eh?
Navi: Get you
Deku Scrub 1: N-n-no Please no alright strike her while she is stunned.
Link: Ok get out of here before I lose my temper
Deku Scrub 1: Thank You (Hops off but Link shoots it with his Slingshot) AAAIIEEEEEE (Dies)
Navi: LINK
Link: (Kisses his slingshot) You are useful. Better then that impudent fairy who is going to annoy the hell out of me.
They walk into a totally empty room, aside from a few bushes and a pillar or two. Two things were strange about the room, however: There was an eerie fog collecting on the floor, and a strange, repetitive sound was coming from somewhere.
Link: What the heck is that?
Navi: ... I don't know...
Link: Hahaha, maybe one of the. (Stops, and face turns white)
Navi: ....one of the what? Link? (Looks up, and screams)
Queen Gohma: (looks at them, rolls its one eye all around it's socket, then drops down in front of them. It stands on one leg, and the other three legs loom over Link, and it roars several times and looks at him sternly)
Link: ..............AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! (runs away)
Queen Gohma: ROOOAAAARRR!
Link: (huddled against a wall) Good God, it's ugly! Oh, I can't bear to look at it! (shuts eyes tight)
Queen Gohma: (slowly advancing towards Link)
Link: (still has eyes closed tight, begins to throw things at Queen Gohma) Get away! (throws his sheild, a copy of "Kokiri Life" magazine, his lunch, and Navi all in the direction of the roars from Queen Gohma)
Navi: Hey! Don't throw me!
Link: (throws a deku nut at Queen Gohma, which lands at her feet and explodes, emitting a blinding flash)
Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and begins spasming and palpitating)
Link: (takes a peek to see what happened) Hey! She's stunned! Apparently those Deku Nuts emit a flash for a split-second and temporarily stun whatever is in front of it!
Navi: DUH! That's what I told you as soon as you picked one up!
Link: You did? Oh. I wasn't really listening.
Navi: …………….idiot!
Link: (begins slashing and slicing and dicing Queen Gohma's eye)
Queen Gohma: (gets up, backs away from Link and climbs onto the ceiling)
Link: Ha! It's retreating! I won! Nah nah, in your face, ugly bug thing!
Three balls drop from Queen Gohma.
Link: Um...
The three balls burst open, and from them come little mini-versions of Queen Gohma.
Navi: AWWWWW! They're so CUTE!
Link: (fighting them off) Cute!? They're incredibly ugly!
Navi: (cuddles up to one) Can we keep this one? I like this one, let's keep him!
Link: (stabbing the others) NO!
Queen Gohma: (drops back down) Link: You fool! You've made ME angry! Now you die! (throws a Deku Nut down on the ground)
Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and spasms again)
Link: DIE, EVIL SPACE MONSTER!! (begins cutting and slicing Queen Gohma's eye as quickly as possible)
Navi: Space monster?
Queen Gohma: (suddenly rises up from the ground and shakes a little before its eye explodes and it falls to the ground and disintegrates into little tiny pieces)
Link: Yahaha! I won!
A circular blue portal appears on the ground, which Link walks into and floats upward.Back outside, in front of the Deku Tree...
Link: Okay Deku Tree, we got rid of your curse. Now give us the money.
Great Deku Tree: Money? Never did I promise a monetary reward.
Link: (shrugs) It was worth a shot.
Great Deku Tree: Any way let me tell you about something.
Link: (Jumping up and down) Can it wait I need to go Toilet
Great Deku Tree: W-well
Link: PLEASE
Great Deku Tree: Fine go find a Tree
Link: (Runs up to Deku Tree undoes his zipper and starts peeing over the Deku Tree)
Great Deku Tree: HEY EWWW NOT ON ME
Link: Sorry but you’re the only Tree around here.
Great Deku Tree: *Grumble*
Later…
Great Deku Tree: Well now what was I going to do?
Link: Give me something.
Great Deku Tree: Ahh right well here (Uses his Magical Powers and gives Link the Kokiri Emerald)
Link: Wow nice (Takes it) I wonder how much I could sell this for?
Great Deku Tree: S-sell it (Starts crying) That has been in my family for 20 Generations Bo ho ho
Link: Well then that just increases the monetary value.
Great Deku Tree: (Cuts Link off.) Anyway go Find Princess Zelda she will be able to help you with your next thing.
Link: Thing? What thing?
Great Deku Tree: I uhhh well you shouldn’t have peed on me just say this to her “Triforce”
Link: Triforce? Who or What is Triforce?
Great Deku Tree: I – entreat - ye - Navi. Goodbye!! (Dies)
Link: (Frustrated) Well that helps.
Navi: Goodbye Great Deku Tree. (starts crying)
Link: Pull your self together stupid Fairy uhhh whoops (Runs off)
Navi: C’MERE YOU LITTLE RUNT.
They run until they are stopped by Mido
Link: Hey I thought I killed you
Mido: You did but Kokiri Never die
Link: Sweet then I can kill you again (Pulls out sword and cleaves his head off) He he he
Navi: Link
Link: What? Its fun doing that.
Navi: Can I try?
Link: Sure (Gives Navi the Sword)
After a Minute Mido’s head mysteriously reataches and Navi Cuts it off
Navi: Hey you are right it is fun.
Link: Told Ya! Now where do we go? Wait you try it on me.
Navi: Yeah ok (Uses sword and cuts at Link but stops right at his neck) Look a sign…………. It says “Exit”
Link: Wait a sec! It says somewhere at the start of this exciting rewrite you can’t read signs.
Navi: I ummm errrrr well ummm that is to say umm (Hides a "Hylian for Dummies" book) I learn things pretty quick.
Link: (Suspicious) Right well lets go (Runs off)
Navi: Hey wait for me
On the intersection between Kokiri Forest and Hyrule Field...
Link: Well, here I am. Leaving Kokiri Forest, my home.
Saria: (appears out of nowhere behind Link) Boo.
Link: Waaah! (falls down)
Saria: Ha, ha! Fooled you.
Link: That trick gets really old, really fast. What do you want?
Saria: (suddenly adopts a melancholy attitude) Oh... so you are going, then...?
Link: Um... yeah. That was the general idea.
Saria: I knew we were never meant to be together forever. You see, you are different from me and my friends...
Link: Why are you acting so weird?
Saria: (ignoring him) Here, Link... take this Ocarina as a token of our friendship... please take care of it. Whenever you play it I hope it reminds you of me. Please don’t lose it or break it that is my heart and Soul.
Navi: You got an Ocarina! Go to the Items subscreen and assign it to-
Link: I KNOW ALREADY!!! Wow it looks like one of those sex objects with little holes in it and a little blow-like thing there.
Saria: (Cuts Link off.) But even though you won't always be here, Link, I know we'll be friends... forever.
Link: Well, I really must be embarking on my incredible adventure. See you. (runs out)
Saria: ... Goodbye...