Now in Hyrule Field...
Link: This is great! Look how big it is! Now we can-
Voice from above: Link! Link: What? Who said that? …Is this God?
Voice from above: Ummmmm……………..Yes. It's God. I'm here to tell you that you aren't going to heaven.
Link: Ugh! Why not!?
Voice from above: Um... your feet stink. *snicker snicker*
Link: My feet stink!? What kind of reason is that!?
Voice from above: Silence! I'm GOD!
Link: Yes sir.
Voice from above: Now Link, I'm going to tell you what to do next. If you head straight from here, you will get to Hyrule Castle Town. Go to the castle and find some way to get past their heavy security system consisting of several blind and deaf guards and some strange girl chasing a chicken. OK?
Link: Um... God, sir... I'd like a little more information; that's not-
Voice from above: SILENCE FOOL!!!!
Link: Y-y-yes sir! I'll go right now, sir! (runs away)
Kaepora Gaebora: Hahaha, I should have thought of that years ago. (flies away)
Hours later, in Hyrule Castle Town...
Link: Wow this place is awesome
Navi: I’ve seen better.
Link: What do you mean? You have never been out of the Forest!
Navi:….Shut up! Link: Well where to? Night falls
Link: Brrrr its cold oh look lucky a fire (Runs over and puts his hands over)
Malon: HEY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Link: WAUUGGHHH (Falls over)
Malon: (Jumps on Link) WHY WERE YOU TOUCHING MY HAIR?
Link: Your hair oh I thought it was a fire
Malon: Why you little.... (Beats the crap out of Link)
Link: Owww hey stop that hurts YEOUCH (Jumps up and runs away)
Later by the Castle
Link: *Phew* that was close
Navi: I’d say she is as bad as you
Link: …Shut Up (walks up to Guard) Hey howzit goin can I pass through?
Guard: Nope sorry you can only pass through is you need to.
Link: W-well I need to I uhhh Got to uhhh use your Bathroom
Guard: Well ok but hurry back (Opens Gate)
Link: Thanks (Runs through)
Later
Link: (Huddled in a corner) No Please no
Malon: (Closing in) NOW I’VE WANTED TO DO THIS
Link: WAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH
Malon: (Thrusts hand at Link showing him the Egg)
Link: W-what’s this?
Malon: An egg silly just wait for it to Hatch and use it to wake up my father
Link: And if I don’t? Malon: I’ll kill your little Fairy
Link: Go ahead Navi: Hey!! Link: (Takes the egg and thinks Breakfast)
Malon: Thanks, oh and watch out for the Guards (Skips off singing)
Link: Right thanks. (Runs off)
Link slips past the rest of guards and makes his way to the side of the castle, where they meet Talon.
Talon: ZzzZzzZZzz... welcome to Lon Lon Ranch... have some fun... ZZzzZz...
Link: HEY! WAKE UP!!! Talon: zzZzzZzzZZZzzz...
Navi: Why don't you use that egg?
Link: Hehe, yeah. (whispering in his ear) The chickens! The chickens, Talon! They're coming to get you, Talon! You can't hide forever, Talon! Cockledoodledoo, haha!
Talon: ...No... no, the chickens, no!
Suddenly the sun rises and a full-grown chicken hatches from the egg Malon gave Link and hops onto the ground.
Chicken: Cockledoodledooo!
Talon: ZZzzZzzzZZzzZz
Chicken: (Eyes widen, attacks Malon's father, snapping at his ear) Cocklleragakagurgle!!
Talon: ZZzzZzzZZzzZzzzz...
Link: Oh well. (rolls him, and pushes him into the river)
Talon: (wakes up) *Gurgle* *Choke* What in tarnation! (Flows away quickly out of sight.)
Out of pure luck, Talon happened to leave two boxes of milk sitting out which, if pushed into the stream across from a tiny whole, allows Link and Navi to enter the castle. After releasing the killer chicken to clear the way...Link and Navi walk by noticing dead men everywhere with separated limbs, missing heads and blood all over the place and the chicken cuddling innocently in the corner.
Link: Take warning by this Navi never underestimate a Chicken. If a chicken attacks me then I want you to take my sword and kill me.
Navi: Right.
They walk into the Next Room which is a Meadow and spot a Girl Spying on a guy through a window
Navi: Maybe you should go talk to that girl. She might know a way in.
Link: (sarcastically) Yeah right, Navi, that little girl will just HAPPEN to-
Voice: YAAAAAHH!!
Link: (Looks up for a split second, he is able to see a dark figure attacking, who was protected from view by the suns bright light.)
Figure: (drop kicks Link)
Link: (kicks them off of him and jumps up, breathing hard) What the heck are you doing!?
Zelda: Oh, so it's a fight you want, huh?
Link: Bu-y- YOU'RE the one that jumped ME!
Zelda: (takes fighting stance)
Link: (sighs) Oh, fine. (draws sword)
Zelda: Hey! We're gonna fight fair!
Link: Damn. (sheathes sword)
For a moment, they stand totally still, giving each other eye-piercing looks. Readying themselves to defend against attacks, they bend their knees slightly, and look into each other's eyes. After several tense moments, they attack each other in a split-second.
Zelda: (throws a punch)
Link: (catches punch, and kicks)
Zelda: (dodges, and twists herself so that she can kick Link in the head from behind)
Link: (jumps away and does a few flips in the air before landing)
Navi: Why exactly are you two fighting?
Zelda: (runs at Link)
Link: (trips her)
Zelda: (on the ground, brings her leg around and trips Link, while at the same time getting up. She sits on Link, and throws a punch)
Link: (grabs her arm and kicks her over him)
Zelda: (hits a wall, but kicks off it and brings her foot smashing into Link's face)
Link: Owww. Why you little………(Draws out his sword.)
Zelda: HEY. Remember. Fight fair.
Link: Argh. Screw that. (Flings away the sword and punches Zelda straight in the face.
Zelda: (falls to the ground, and doesn't move)
Link: Heh heh... oh whoops.
Navi: (sarcastic) Well good job, Link, you killed her.
Link: (walks over to Zelda, but looks at Navi) Well how was I supposed t-
Zelda: (suddenly gets up) Think you've won, eh? I was just taking a breather! You are pretty good, I'll give you that, but you could never beat me!
Link: Ha! Like I could LOSE! Me, Link, the Hero of Time, lose to a little girl. Heh.
Zelda: Wait... did you say you were the Hero of Time?
Link: Yeah, why?
Zelda: Then... are you from the forest?
Link: Uh-huh.
Zelda: Then... tell me... do you have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest?
Link: Yeah. (takes it out) Pretty thing, isn't it?
Zelda: (smiles) Then I was right!
Link: Right? About What?
Zelda: Oh just a dream I had.
Link: (Excited) Really? What? Zelda: Dark Clouds surround Hyrule then a ray of green light shoots into the sky and the clouds part then from the forest a Boy emerges carrying a Shinning Green Stone accompanied by a Fairy.
Link: Hey that sounds like me.
Navi: Nah. Ya think.
Zelda: Any way I was spying through this window.
Link: (Whispers to Navi) I think she is a stalker.
Navi: (Nods in agreement)
Zelda: Have a look at this guy I believe the clouds symbolize that man.
Link: Well I dunno.
Zelda: Quick or he will be gone.
Link: Oh alright
Link looks through the window, and sees a man bend down in salute to someone he could not see. He is very tan, and has a very big nose. He has red hair, and is about six feet tall. His clothes are adorned with jewels of every kind, and he wears armor all over. His back is covered with a large red cape, and he is wearing big gloves. Strangely, his eyebrows grow into his hair.
Zelda: He swears his allegiance to my father, but I know he is not sincere.
Suddenly, the man snaps his head to the side and gives Link a cold stare.
Link: AUUUGHH! AUUUGHH! IT'S UGLY!!
Zelda: Yeah, he is pretty ugly, isn't he? I'm sure the real reason he is here is to get the Ocarina of Time, which is a relic passed down through the Royal Family for generations. It, along with the three Spiritual Stones, opens the Door of Time in the Temple of Time to get to the Triforce of Time. Wait, no, just the Triforce. Anyway, Link, it is up to me to protect the Ocarina, and it is up to you to protect the Spiritual Stone. Don't let that ugly guy get it!
Ganon: (pops his head through the window) Actually, my name is Ganondorf, but my friends call me Ganon. Please don't call me "ugly guy" anymore; it's very rude. (leaves)
Link: Okay, I'll go now. Wait, no, actually, can I have your autograph? I want to shove it in Mido's face.
Zelda: What? Oh, okay. Tell ya what, I'll also give you a letter stating that you are the Royal Family's messenger, so you won't have trouble with any more guards.
Link: Sweet! Thanks! (takes the letter and turns and runs away, but bumps into a tall woman) AUUGGHHH!
Tall Woman: (appears in his path)
Link: Wah! Zelda: Oh, that's Impa. She's my attendant. Don't be scared, she's nice.
Impa: Hello, young one. You are very brave to embark on this quest by yourself. Let me teach you a song I used to play for Zelda as a lullaby. (she teaches him Zelda's Lullaby)
Link: (plays it correctly, which results in him remembering it forever) Navi: You learned Zelda's Lullaby! Th-
Link: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID!?
Navi: Okay, okay! I'm just trying to be helpful.
Impa: There is mysterious power in these notes. Play it wherever you see a Triforce symbol to make weird stuff happen. Now let me lead you out of the castle. In
Hyrule Field, directly outside the castle...
Link: Woah, that was fast. How'd you do that?
Impa: I'm a Shiekah. I can do anything.
Link: ……
Impa: Now you must go to Death Mountain, where the Gorons live. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire. Also go to Kakariko Village, where I grew up.
Link: ...Okay. Hey Wait can you do something for me?
Impa: What?
Link: Make me a Babe Magnet!
Impa: Okay. Bend down on all fours.
Link: (Bends Down) How does this… AUUUGGGGHHHHH (At that precise Moment Impa kicks sand in Links Eyes)
Impa: Now I must disappear (Throws down a Deku Nut and Runs away Quickly and Quietly)
Link: I’LL KILL HER or him what’s the difference.
Navi: Who cares Lets go. Link: Okay, I guess we're going to Death Mountain now.
Navi: Wait!
Link: What?
Navi: What would Saria say if we told her we were going to save Hyrule from imminent doom?
Link: Um... knowing Saria, she'd probably laugh at us then beat us up.
Navi: Maybe we should go talk to her.
Link: All the way at the end of the Lost Woods?! It'd take DAYS to get there! Nah, I got a better idea. (takes out his cell phone and dials a number) Saria? ...Hi, it's me, Link.... yeah, just met Princess Zelda.... Yeah, she was pretty hot.
Navi: (hits Link on the head)
Link: Ow!... No, Navi's hitting me... stupid fairy. Anyway, guess what! We're going to save Hyrule from evil! ......No really, we are! Princess Zelda made us.... yeah, we're going to Death Mountain now, to get the next spiritual stone.... what? Why would I want to learn a song you made up?
Navi: Nonono, learn it! It could come in handy later on.
Link: Okay, okay. Lemme hear it.... okay, let me play it on my ocarina so I can remember it forever. (plays it on Ocarina, which begins to glow)
Navi: (opens her mouth as if to speak)
Link: (grabs Navi violently) Don't EVEN start.
Navi: Hmph. Link: So anyway, Saria, thanks for the song... or something. We're gonna go now. See ya. (hangs up) Now wasn't that a lot easier than walking all the way through the Lost Woods?
Navi: ...I didn't even know he had a cell phone.
Link: Yea well coz your stupid
Navi: What was that you just said?
Link: Ummm nothin just ummm sayin how nuce *ahem* you … look today *ahem* Navi: (Blushes) Oh well – this is a new Dress after all.
Link: *Phew*
Runs off towards Kakariko Village