The Inertia of Link
Author's note: We don't know what came over us. Never the less, feedback would be appreciated.
Link’s breath shortened as he trudged up the ill-reputed path to Gannon’s castle. Stopping to look up Link adjusted his hat atop his head, Damn redeads! They can’t just be dead and be happy about it, they have to make me relive all my bad experiences, he thought to himself.
Link had a momentary flashback of the time when almost every breathing woman in Hyrule had practically assassinated him. Link scowled at the fowl memory, Oh sure, he thought, the others were content just to strip me so they could auction my belongings. I thought I’d never get away from Ruto. Link shuddered, “I don’t even want to think about that!,”
“Think about what?” said Navi, the unparalleled annoyance whom Link was ashamed to have to call his demon-spawned fairy partner. Link looked up at Navi, “Stop doing that!” Navi fluttered in front of Link’s face, “Doing what?” Link wished so often that the Deku Tree would’ve had enough sympathy to bestow a flyswatter to him, “Talking.” Navi moved in circles around Link’s head, “But If I don’t talk, then how am I supposed to share any of my wisdom with you?” A mild foam began to appear in the corner of Link’s mouth which he quickly wiped away, “Shut up, Navi!” Navi flew right into Link’s face and began rhythmically chanting ‘Hey! Look! Listen! Watch out!’ Link tensed his body and removed a bottle from his tunic. Navi continued her mantra of ‘Hey! Look! Listen!’ Link grabbed Navi by her wings and forced her tiny body through the mouth of the bottle which he then corked. Link then pitched the bottle as far as he could throw it and breathed a sigh of relief.
Link ran to the huge lake of lava which he stood before and called upon the Six Sages.
“Link we can’t let you in yet!”
“Why not?”
“Because the power isn’t complete!”
“Why not?”
“Because you forgot the Master Sword, dumbass!”
“Damn it! I knew I forgot something.”
And thus the conversation ended. Link began running in the opposite direction when a large object collided with his head. Link fell over and his face landed in the dirt. Link stood up and spit dust all over what had hit him. Link picked up the object and screamed in horror. “Link! Let me out of this bottle now!” Was the cry of the muffled voice of Navi, calling from the bottle. Link threw the bottle down and sprinted back through what was left of Hyrule Castle town.
Arriving in the Temple of Time short of breath, Link immediately ran through the Door of Time to the Pedestal of Time. Link skidded to a stop to see that the Master sword wasn’t there, instead a wooden sword with a small sign hanging from it was all that remained. Link ran to it and picked up the sign. Scrawled on the sign were the words ‘The Master Sword has been temporarily removed for Spring cleaning, so please take this replacement instead. Thank you, the Management.’ Link stared in shock and let the sign fall to the floor. He reluctantly drew the wooden sword and grimaced, realizing that it would be impossible to rescue Zelda with a piece of wood. He threw his head back and yelled, “Noooooooooooooo,” until he about passed out from lack of oxygen.
He had no choice but to return to Gannon’s castle and converse with the Sages.
Upon returning to the place he had been less then ten minutes ago, he suddenly stepped in something soft. He looked at the sole of his boot to find Navi stuck to it, well, that’s ironic. Oh well, good riddance.
Link stepped up to the crater once more and again called the Sages.
“Well, Link, did you get the Master Sword?”
“No, it wasn’t there.”
“Link, you left it there, how could it not be there?!”
“I don’t know! You’re the Sages, you’re supposed to know everything!”
“Shut up, we’re not that smart.”
“All I have is a wooden sword.”
“Damn Spring cleaning! A minor note we forgot to mention.”
“Oh sure, now you tell me!”
“Here, take this.”
An industrial sized box of Lego’s appeared at Link’s feet.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with these?”
“Build your own bridge, it’s bowling night.”
“Now? You guys can’t go bowling now!
“It’s not our problem. Build a bridge and save Zelda!”
“But!”
“Do it!”
The conversation ended again. Link grumbled to himself as he began sorting through the bin of Lego’s.
Hours later…Link had successfully built a Lego bridge long enough for him to be able to enter the castle. He kicked the now empty bin into the lake of lava and carefully placed his foot on the bridge. It held. He put both feet on the bridge and stood up. Suddenly elevator music blared and some of the Lego’s rotated and began carrying Link in an escalator simulation.
When he reached the entrance to the castle, Link jumped off the bridge and entered.
After the trouble of going through the different rooms and solving several different puzzles, Link finally reached the carpeted staircase that led to Gannon’s tower. Link raised an eyebrow when he began hearing the faint sound of bad polka music. Not the organ music he had expected to hear. Link eventually reached the room that Ganondorf was supposedly in. He opened the door and ran inside, slightly off-put by what he saw. Ganondorf was sitting at a large pipe organ, flipping through a book entitled ‘My first Piano Lesson’ and pressing the keys. The Polka music that was blaring served only as a cover for his inability to play. Zelda hovered above him in the crystal prison and he looked up her dress every time he hit a high note. Ganondorf swiftly turned around and laughed, “So, Hero of Time, you have discovered my secret. You shall not live long enough to tell anyone!” With that, the battle started.
Link ran around the room dodging Ganondorf’s magical attacks. When he let his guard down Link shot a light arrow. Ganondorf kneeled, blinded. Link seized the opportunity and crouched down, his hand desperately searching until he found a pebble, which he then chucked at Ganondorf. Ganon took it to the head and screamed, “You’re mean, you stupidhead!” Link laughed at Ganondorf. Ganondorf relapsed into a fetal position, “I wish I hadn’t sent my mommy to a rift between space and time. I need a hug!!” Link nervously backed away a few steps, “Riiight…” Out of nowhere, a small leather ball came crashing through the cathedral-type window. Ganondorf ducked and then yelped in pain as it hit his genitals rather forcefully, “Why me?! I paid good rupees for that window! Ow! I’m going to need medical coverage,” he said. Link reached behind his head and drew the wooden sword, aiming it at Ganondorf’s face. Ganon looked up and laughed. “What?!” Link yelled. “That’s so pathetic! what are you gonna do? Give me splinters?” Link rolled his eyes, “You’re one to talk. At least I don’t cry for my mommy when a pebble hits me in the head.” Ganondorf scoffed, “At least I have a mommy!” Tears welled in Link’s eyes, “You killed mine! You bastard!” Link beat Ganondorf with the wooden sword, emphasizing each of his words with a strike, “I-hate-you-you-nasty-smelly-old-ugly-fat-desperate-man you!” Ganondorf reeled, “Oh, the splinters. The horror, the horror.” Link’s nostrils flared, “You really want to see splinters?” Link picked up Ganondorf by the collar and miraculously shoved the wooden sword up his ass. Ganondorf grabbed the hilt of the wooden sword and roared in pain as he pulled it out. He then chucked it out the already broken window, “Ha, now you’re sword less!” Link grinned, “I don’t think so.”
He pulled out the Biggoron sword. Ganon chuckled, “That Big Moron sword isn’t going to hurt me.” Link then took the sword and attempted to chop off Ganondorf’s hand, but missed and accidentally cut off his balls. Ganon screamed, “Now I’ll never get lucky!” Link cringed, “What sane, decent person would have an affair with you? Even if they were deaf and blind?” Ganondorf scratched his head and thought for a moment, “Er, Ruto!”
Link’s hands dropped to his sides, he twitched for a moment and then fell to the floor laughing his ass off.
Five minutes later… Ganondorf sat on the floor with a confused look on his face, “Are you quite finished?” he asked Link. Link finally stood up, wiping a tear of laughter from his face and retorted, “I think so.”
Link turned around when he heard a small sneeze, he saw Zelda in large overalls pushing a mop and bucket. Link ran over to where she was and scooped her up in a bone-crushing hug, “Are you ok, Zel?” Zelda sucked in air, “Please..let go.” Link looked past Zelda and noticed a small closet that hadn’t been there previously. He approached it slowly and turned the knob. Instantly he saw the Master Sword that had been removed for Spring cleaning. Link raised an eyebrow and looked to Zelda, “Are you the management of the Temple of Time?” Zelda nodded. Link stood there, dumbfounded, “Then, why..er, how did? Oh, forget it. I can’t get myself out of this mess.” Zelda shrugged, “Just defeat Ganon so things can get back to normal.” Link took the Master Sword and ran it through Ganondorf. Zelda used her powers to call upon the Six Sages who had only minutes before returned from bowling night. The entire room filled with light and everything seemed to implode.
Link awoke in Hyrule field, he stood up slowly and looked around trying to regain his sight. He blinked away the light circles and was met with a familiar voice. Navi flew into Link’s face and began a traditional Hey! Look! Listen! chant. Link’s eyelid twitched, and he threw his arms in the air, “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”
The End
