Chapter 1
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What would happen if Navi didn’t meet up with Link, as the game designers had intended?
Wonder no more! You’ll see how one little incident messes up the whole storyline!

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“In the vast deep forest of Hyrule, long have I served as the guardian spirit.” a voice came out of nowhere.

The screen showed a scene in a forest. A large tree with a prominent nose and mustache, and a glowing blue creature could be seen. It hovered before the tree.

“I am known as the Deku Tree. The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy. However, there is one boy who does not have a fairy.”

The camera focused on a small boy—dressed in green, crying in his sleep. His dream was shown, and then to the tree again—called the Deku Tree—and the glowing creature—assumed to be one of the fairies.

“Navi. Navi. Where art thou? Come hither,” the Deku Tree called out, “Oh Navi the fairy, listen to my words, the words of the Deku Tree. Dost thou sense it? The climate of evil descending upon the realm? Malevolent forces, even now, are mustering to attack our land of Hyrule. For so long the Kokiri forest, the source of life, has stood as a barrier, deterring outsiders and maintaining the order of the world. But before this tremendous evil power, even my power is as nothing. It seems the time has come for the boy without a fairy to begin his journey. The youth whose destiny is to lead Hyrule to the path of justice and truth. Navi, go now, find our young friend and guide him to me.  I do not have much time left. Fly Navi, fly! The fate of the forest, nay, the world depends on thee.”

With that, Navi flew off; first under a young Kokiri—Mido’s legs—whizzing through a village, floating beyond a Kokiri perched upon the local shop’s roof, past a Kokiri girl who stood idly, and flew close to an exit out of the village while peering at the Kokiri boy who stood there. All of the Kokiri, had a fairy, floating above their heads. Navi looked around desperately, and spotted, behind a large fence, a house. This house, by chance, was the house of our inconspicuous hero: Link. Navi didn’t know this but it was another place to look for this fairyless boy. Navi flew full speed towards this residence, and in a slight miscalculation of her aim, she hit this fence, and subsequently fell unconscious. For four hours.

As a result our hero never stopped crying in his sleep and was never woken up to be told that the Great Deku Tree had summoned him. The Deku Tree, who was secretly suffering from a lethal Queen Gohma, died before anyone could save him. Mido, leader of the Kokiris, just happened to be closer to the Deku Tree than any of the other villagers when this occurred, and was blamed for the Deku Tree’s death. Mido soon after, committed suicide. When Navi woke up she retrieved Link—now wide-awake—and together, they headed to Hyrule castle.

And that’s how everything started to become totally messed.

Chapter 2
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What would happen if Zelda had a strange jewelry obsession?
Wonder no more! You’ll see that one simple little incident has further messed up the whole storyline!
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Where we left Link, he had just exited the village, and was surrounded by scattered trees. He would have stumbled across the glorious Hyrule field, however, a gigantic owl, who was perched upon one of the tree branches, stopped him.

“Hoo Hoot! Link! Look up here!” the gigantic owl cried, “It appears that the time has finally come for you to start your adventure. You will encounter many hardships ahead. That is your fate. Do not feel discouraged, even during the toughest of times. Go straight this way and you will see Hyrule Castle. You will meet a princess there, but that is self-explanatory since castles should usually have some sort of royalty locked away inside them, especially in most Zelda games. If you are lost and do not know which way to go then look at the map. (Insert brief explanation on map viewing) Did you get all that? All right then! I’ll see you around! Hoot Hoot Hoot Ho!”

“Uhh… That was random…” Link muttered to Navi.

“Very,” Navi replied.

“Hey, Navi?” Link asked.

“Yeah, Link?”

“Why are we going to Hyrule Castle Town?” Link asked.

Link peered at Navi as he awaited his response.

“’Cause there is a big shopping mall at Hyrule Castle Town and I inherited the Great Deku Tree’s Money in his will,” Navi explained, “So basically, I’m going to go on a HUGE shopping spree and you have to carry what I buy because I don’t have long enough arms.”

“Wait,” Link lifted his finger towards the glowing creature, “you have arms?”

Navi sighed as she did a face palm, “Case in point.”

Link made a mad dash to the castle in order to get there before nightfall. This was so the nasty, skeleton-like monsters hidden beneath the ground wouldn’t have a chance to attack him.
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But, because of Link’s timing, he made it to town when it was nighttime. He almost didn’t make it inside, because some idiot decided to place a large moat around the city walls and decided to have the single entrance to the town, only accessible by a large drawbridge, which raised itself up when nightfall came. Link arrived to the bridge just in time to see it rise up without him. He bolted to it, grabbed the edge of the rising bridge, pulled himself over, and slid down into the town. When he looked around, he saw the town was completely abandoned, except for a pack of dogs, and a small redheaded girl, who sang loudly.

“Hey!” the girl called, “Your clothes, they’re different. You’re not from around here are you?”

“Aw, man!” Link groaned, “What gave me away?”

“Nope. He’s from the forest,” Navi replied.

“…………………………………Oh!” the girl exclaimed, “You’re a fairy boy from the forest.”

“No, really?” Navi grumbled.

“My name is Malon,” the girl said, “My dad owns Lon Lon Ranch. Dad went to the castle to deliver some milk and he hasn’t come back yet.”

Link ignored Malon’s last statement and then walked towards a large castle-like figure in the background.
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Link found himself in an area called the Castle Grounds. Link was about to walk about to fully see the beauty of the grounds, but that massive owl was perched in another tree, and forever ruined Link’s appreciation of the grounds.

“Hey Link, this way! The princess is in the castle just ahead. Be careful not to get caught by the guards! Ho Ho Ho Hoot!” the Owl said.

“You again?!” Navi hissed.

“Hey! Why are you here?” Link pointed his finger at the owl.

“Because… um…” the Owl stalled.

Link flung his arm around and pointed at the owl, “I BET HE’S A STALKER!”

“I-I-” the Owl gulped, “I-I am not a stalker!”

Before Link or Navi could accuse the owl of any more illegal actions, he suspiciously flew away.
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Link waited pointlessly for daytime before getting bored and entered the Castle Town again. Unfortunately, Link was never good in crowded areas, and the town had filled up with people since he was last there. When Link came screaming back onto the grounds, he abruptly met up with that Malon girl—who was singing yet again.

“Are you going to the castle, fairy boy?” she asked.

“Yes…” Link gulped, catching his breath, “Why do you care?”

“Would you mind finding my dad?” Malon asked.

“Yes. We would mind,” Navi snapped, “I have a shopping spree to go on, and as soon as I can get Link to approach the town again—”

“He must have fallen asleep somewhere around the castle. What a thing for an adult to do. Tee hee!” Malon giggled.

“Yup,” Navi groaned, flinging her arms behind her head. “She’s crazy…”

“Oh yeah, if you look for him, I’ll give this to you. I’ve been incubating this egg very carefully. Tee hee!” Malon exclaimed.

“…Please stop using such big words…” Link muttered, clasping his head. “…It makes my head hurt…”

DUN UN UN UNN! Link received a really Weird Egg! …That’s…really…weird…

“Set the egg to C to incubate it. Tee hee. My dad is really troublesome for an adult, isn’t he? Hee hee?” Malon giggled.

“Wait,” Navi flew up to Malon’s face. “What’s ‘C’?”

“It’s…um…uhhhhh…” Malon pondered. “I…uhh…errmmm… I just…”

Navi moaned, “Never mind.”
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Link noticed some vines behind Malon. He climbed up, and used a variety of odd techniques to sneak past the guards. The guards, however, were nothing to worry about since they all seemed to be a blind as bats and as deaf as rocks. But on his trek into the castle, Link stumbled across an odd man, who slept among some crates.

“The girl from the ranch a ranch asked us to find her father,” Navi pondered, “I wonder where he is?”

“Navi! You are so blind! Can’t you see that he is right here in front of us?” Link exclaimed, flinging his arms towards the sleeping man.

“Link, we have no idea who that man is, or whether or not he is Malon’s father,” Navi huffed.

Link began to poke the man in the side; “And he’s not a hologram either, cause I can touch him!”

“ZZZZZ…Mumble…Mumble… Welcome…our ranch is so fun…come on and look around….” Talon mumbled.

“Link? What’s a hologram?” Navi paused.

Link scratched his head, “To be honest, I have no clue.”

Link did not want to be caught by the blind and deaf guards, so he decided to waste his time by sitting on the ground and waiting for the egg to hatch. Deep within his boredom, he was pondering what that ‘incubate’ word meant, when his weird egg suddenly cracked open. The bird that emerged started crowing.

The sleeping man jumped up with a start, and rose to his feet, “What in tarnation?!  Can’t a person get a little shut-eye around here?”

“Uhhh, hello?” Link paused.

The man looked down at Link, “Hello, and who might you be?”

“Link. Are you Talon?” Link asked.

“Yep, I’m Talon, the owner of Lon Lon Ranch,” the man stated, “I went to the Castle to deliver some milk but I sat down here to rest and I guess I fell asleep.”

Link turned his head sharply at Navi, “HA.”

“Hey, there was this Malon girl that was looking for you,” Navi said.

“What!? Malon was looking for me? I’m going to catch it from her now! I messed up bad leaving Malon behind to wait for me. She’s really going to let me have it,” Talon yelled.

He ran away, waving his arms.

Navi blinked, “…How…”

“…Odd,” Link said.
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Link continued into the castle. He snuck past the guards in the Castle Gardens and on the grounds. Considering how easy this was, Link found soon found himself in a courtyard, with many small flowers.  Castle walls rose up on all sides, and windows looked down on him. He could see through the windows halls and portraits on the walls. At the far end of the courtyard, Link spotted girl suspiciously crouched behind a large window, clutching the window ledge with both hands. She wore a strange headdress, and a flowing dress. Confident that she must be blind and deaf as well, Link approached her, intent of scaring her.

As Link got closer, he heard an evil muttering of: “…Must have that jewel!” It reminded him of something out of ‘Lord of the Rings’.

“BOO!” Link shouted.

She didn’t flinch, “Shut up, I’m busy.”

Link stared at her, “Um…Hello?”

The girl seemed to realize he was there.

“Who! Who are you? How did you get past the guards?” the girl jumped, “Oh, what’s that?  Is that? A fairy?”

Navi rolled her eyes, “Well, what do you think, nitwit?”

“Then are you…?” the girl gaped, turning to Link, “Are you from the forest?”

“Yeessssssss?” Link gulped, “And you care, why?”

“No, duh!” Navi huffed, “Because fairies are more commonly found in the ocean. Didn’t you know?”

“Then…then you wouldn’t happen to have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, would you? A green shiny stone? Do you have it?” the girl leaned in close to Link. There was a glint in her eye that made Link afraid—like she dared him to tell her that he didn’t have the stone.

“Um…no…” Link replied in a small voice.

The girl snapped her fingers, “Nuts! I had a dream…”

“Wait… Why do we care about this dream of yours?” Navi interrupted.

“Navi! Shut up! For all we know, she could be the princess!” Link glared at Navi while nudging her with his elbow.

“As if,” Navi muttered.

“…In the dream, dark storm clouds were billowing over the land of Hyrule. But suddenly, a ray of light shot out of the forest, parted the clouds and lit up the ground. The light turned into a figure holding a green and shining stone, followed by a fairy. I know this is a prophecy that someone would come from the forest,” the girl said.

Link gave the girl a blank stare, “…Okay, I’m sorry. You lost me at ‘dark’…”

“This must mean that you…” the girl paused dramatically, “…are my new jewelry collector!”

“What’s that?” Link asked.

“All you got to do is collect jewels for me!” she began to clap her hands when she said the word ‘jewel’.

“That sounds easy enough,” Link said slowly.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute!” Navi flew between the two, “Who are you? Why are you employing Link? Don’t you even take into consideration that he might refuse?!”

“Yeah!” Link exclaimed, “What if I refuse?”

“Then I will send a horde of stampeding Skutullas to take your hat!” the girl grinned.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not my hat!!!!! Anything but my hat!!!!” Link clutched his head protectively, “Fine! Fine! I’ll do anything you want! Just don’t take my hat!”

Nobody knew except Navi (because she lived in his hat), but Link actually hid a large bald patch on the top of his head. He swore he would jump off a cliff if anyone ever found this out.

“Yes, I thought you might be up to the job” the girl said cheerfully, the grin vanishing, “Oh, I’m sorry. I got carried away with my jewelry obsession and didn’t even properly introduce myself.”

“Well it’s about time!” Navi muttered.

The girl bowed slightly, “I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule.”

“SEE!” Link exclaimed.

“She’s certainly demanding for a royal,” Navi grumbled.

“Shut up, Navi!” Link swatted Navi.

“What is your name?” the girl, Princess Zelda, asked.

“Link.”

“And my name is Tom Bombadil,” Navi said.

“Really?” Link asked.

“No, you twit,” the fairy snapped, “I’m Navi.”

“…..Link? Strange, it sounds…somehow…familiar….” Zelda muttered to herself.

“Hey! Stop ignoring me!” Navi snapped, bobbing up and down, “I do exist!”

“Okay then, Link, I am going to tell you the secret of the Sacred Realm that has been passed down by the Royal Family of Hyrule,” Zelda said.

“Umm… Why?” Link asked.

The evil glint in Zelda’s eye returned, “Because this secret will help you get jewels for me!”

“Ohh… Okay.”

“And please keep this a secret from everyone,” Zelda said.

Link looked disinterestedly at his surroundings, “Fine.”

“Link!” Navi hissed, “Why are you so submissive?!”

“The legend goes like this…” Zelda began.
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Flashback

“The three Goddesses hid the Triforce containing the power of the gods somewhere in Hyrule…the power to grant the wish of the one who holds the Triforce in his hands. If someone with a righteous heart makes a wish, it will lead Hyrule to a golden age of prosperity.  If someone with an evil mind has his wish granted, the world will be consumed by evil. That is what has been told. So the ancient Sages built the Temple of Time to protect the Triforce from evil ones.”

End of Flashback
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“What’s the Triforce?” Link asked.

“It’s the ultimate jewelry! I must have it!” Zelda proclaimed, “It’s so shiny! It’s located in the Temple of Time.”

“Wait… Isn’t that ‘temple’ place near the mall or something?” Navi asked.

“That’s right, the Temple of Time is the entrance through which you can enter the Sacred Realm,” Zelda confirmed, “My Triforce is in there!”

“Alright! Let’s go to the temple of Time to get ourselves a Triforce!” Link exclaimed, swinging himself around.

“BUT IT’S MINE!” Zelda hissed.

There was a long silence.

“Erm… I mean the entrance is sealed by a stone wall called the ‘Door of Time’. And in order to open the door, it is said that you need to collect three Spiritual Stones (to add to my jewelry collection). And another thing you need is the treasure that the Royal Family keeps along with this legend. The Ocarina of Time,” Zelda said.

“Who owns this treasure?” Link asked.

“I do!” Zelda grinned.

“Why would your parents let you own something that valuable?” Navi asked.

“Because it’s treasure! (Even though it isn’t as shiny as my Triforce…)”

“I guess that makes sense…” Link muttered.

“Anyways… Did you understand well the story I just told you?” Zelda asked.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Link shrugged.

 “That’s great. I forgot to tell you. I was spying through this window just now. The other element from my dream, the dark clouds, I believe they symbolize that man in there!” Zelda exclaimed.

“Wait… Spying?” Navi paused, “…Okay, girl, you have some serious problems…”

Zelda glared at Navi. Then turned to Link.

“Will you look through the window at him?” Zelda gestured towards the window.

“Sure!” Link replied.

Link looked in and saw foreign-looking man bowing before someone out of sight. He looked relatively young and had darker colour skin; a large jewel perched decoratively on his forehead. He had red hair and a receding hairline.

“Link, move your head!” Navi hissed from behind Link, “It’s in the way!”

Zelda peeked over Link’s shoulder, “Can you see the man with the evil eyes?”

“Wait! Evil eyes?!” Navi exclaimed, flying back and forth in an attempt to get a good view, “Where? Where?”

“Yeah. I do,” Link confirmed.

“I don’t!” Navi snarled.

“That is Ganondorf, the leader of the Gerudos. They hail from the desert far to the west. They are a gang of thieves!” Zelda exclaimed.

“Are you saying he has ‘evil eyes’ just because he’s from a gang of thieves, or because he actually has evil eyes?!” Navi floated.

“Here is your first task, Link!” Zelda declared, “I want you to break the window and get the jewel off his head. It’ll prove my victory if I have his jewel in my collection!”

Link raised his eyebrow at the princess, “Uhhh… Okay…? If you say so…”

Link took out and aimed his nifty slingshot. This in itself created a large plot hole—since he technically shouldn’t have it since he never found it in the Deku Tree’s insides—and probably ripped a big hole in the fabric of space somewhere out in an alternate universe. Link released a Deku seed from the slingshot. It shot straight through the window, shattering the glass. Without losing much propulsion it hit the jewel with a resounding ‘clink’. The jewel was knocked off Ganondorf’s forehead and went skittering across the floor.

Ganondorf was utterly taken aback and stared mutely at the jewel bouncing away. The Princess suddenly leapt through the window, knocking away the remaining shards in the windowpane. She landed on her feet, crouched in a ninja pose. Zelda leapt after the jewel and snatched it from the ground before Ganondorf could react. DUN UN UN UNN!  Zelda got one of Ganondorf’s Jewels! Cackling maniacally, she back flipped towards the window and used a burst of magic to fly out of the window.

At the head of the hallway, where Ganondorf had been bowing to, sat the King. As he witnessed the scene unfold, his jaw dropped. His face had “Oh my Din” written all over it. Meanwhile, Zelda crouched on the grass outside the window, stroking the jewel possessively. Link stared at her in mute shock.

“MWAHAHAHA! My precious! PRECIOUSSSS! Hisssss!” Zelda cackled, “I finally have it! It’s mine! It came to me!”

“…I have a feeling that jewel was the entire reason she was spying on him in the first place…” Navi whispered in Link’s ear.

A loud roar bellowed out from the window, and Link ducked down beside Zelda to avoid being seen. Zelda was brought from her reverie by the cry and she whipped her head around looking surprised. She saw Link crouched next to her. She stuffed the jewel inside her hat and stood up. Hesitantly, Link straightened up as well.

“What happened? Did he see us? I hope not. Anyway… I can sense that man’s evil intentions! What Ganondorf is after is nothing less than the Triforce of the Sacred Realm! He must have come to Hyrule to obtain it, but it’s mine! And with it, he wants to conquer my jewel collection! No, the entire world! Link, now we’re the only ones who can protect my jewels! Please!” Zelda leaned in close to Link.

Link looked uneasily at the shattered fragments of what used to be the window, “Okay… But I don’t think we should be here much longer…”

“Thank you! I am afraid…I have a feeling that man is going to destroy Hyrule with my Triforce! He has such terrifying power! But it’s fortunate that you have come, my employee. We must not let Ganondorf get the Triforce because it’s MINE!!!! I will protect the Ocarina of Time with all my power (even though it’s still not as shiny as my Triforce),” Zelda pointed her index finger at Link, “He shall not have it, ever, because it’s mine!!! You go find the three Spiritual Stones!”

“Um…why?” Link asked.

“I have my reasons,” Zelda smirked at Link, “Let’s get the Triforce before Ganondorf does so I can wear it with the Spiritual Stones to the Hyrule Annual Ball! One more thing, take this letter. I’m sure it’ll be useful to you.”

Zelda pulled out parchment from her bag, and… DUN UN UN UNN! Link received Zelda’s Letter! I wonder how much it’s worth on eBay… Link turned and saw a tall, shady and scary woman standing by the entrance to the gardens.

“My attendant will guide/push/kill-you-and-drag-your-corpse out of the castle. Don’t be afraid to talk to her,” Zelda told Link cheerfully.

“I’ll try not to be…” Link replied.

“Wait, when’d she get there?” Navi asked.

Slowly, Link and Navi approached the tall woman.

“I am Impa of the Shiekahs.  I am responsible for protecting Princess Zelda’s jewels,” the attendant explained as she walked up to meet the group, “Everything is exactly as the princess foretold. You are a courageous boy to help Zelda with her plan today.”

“Heh heh heh… Yeah…” Link chuckled, glancing at the broken window just in time to see a chunk of glass fall out of the frame and into the throne room.

“You are heading out on a big new adventure aren’t you? My role in the princess’ dream was to teach the melody to the one from the forest that will get her jewels,” Impa explained.

“But you weren’t even mentioned!” Navi protested, and was promptly grabbed by Link’s hand and shoved into his hat.

“………This is an ancient melody passed down by the Royal Family. I have played this song for Princess Zelda as a lullaby ever since she was a baby. There is a mysterious power in these notes. Now listen carefully. Memorize this song,” Impa instructed.

Impa whistled Zelda’s Lullaby very badly and Link played the song back on his Ocarina. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned Zelda’s Lullaby! This created another big plothole, due to the fact that Link never acquired this Ocarina from his friend Saria. Another rip in the fabric of space was formed in an Alternate Universe.

“If the castle soldiers find you, there will be trouble. Let me lead you out of the castle,” Impa offered.

“NNNOOO! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!!” Link yelled curling up on the ground.

Impa turned to Zelda, who was sniggering, “Princess… What have you been telling him?”

“Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh…” Zelda snickered, “My… PRECIOUS!”

Impa dragged Link—who insisted on whimpering loudly—out of the Castle.
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“You’re a brave lad. We must protect Zelda’s beautiful collection of jewels. Take a look at that mountain. That is Death Mountain, home of the Gorons; they are really good at making Rubies. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire, which is a mighty, fine Ruby. At the foot of Death Mountain, you will find my village, Kakariko,” Impa said, “That is where I was born and raised. You should talk/steal-jewels from some of the villagers there before you go up to Death Mountain. The song I just taught you has some mysterious power. Only the Royal family members are allowed to learn this song. Remember, it will help prove your connection with the Royal Family. The princess is waiting for you to return to the castle with the treasures. Alright, we’re counting on you.”

Impa took a few steps back and threw a Deku Nut, and inexplicably vanished…

“Now that was scary…” Link shuddered.

“Yeah… Did you see her outfit?!” Navi huffed.

“Hello, Link,” exclaimed the Random Owl that randomly appeared.

“AAAAHHHHHH! IT’S HIM! LET’S ESCAPE INTO KARAOKE, or whatever that place is called, VILLAGE!” Link yelled to Navi.

“Ouch, I am right beside you. You don’t have to yell…” Navi complained, “And that’s too far away, let’s go back to your house first!”

“Whatever! Anywhere but HERE is good,” Link exclaimed.

It was obvious that Link was the one who carried all the maps, since the Kokiri Forest was much farther away than Kakariko. And it was also obvious the Link never looked at said maps—let alone, knew how to READ them—due to the fact that he did not correct her statement. Either way, our heroes really sucked at their directions. But, Link somehow knew the way back home, so he headed to Kokiri Village.

Chapter 3

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What would happen if Saria owned a camper van?
Wonder no more! You will see over and over again how continuous errors in time and space mess up the storyline. …Badly…

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Where we last left Link and Navi, they were fleeing into the Kokiri village. As it happened, they had just arrived at the entrance.

“What would Saria say if she found out we were going to save Princess Zelda’s jewels?” Navi asked Link as they ran over to the bridge.

“Either she would one: think we had too much caffeine, or two: she and the other Kokiris would mob us,” Link answered.

Navi cocked her head, “Mob you? Why on Hyrule would they mob you?”

Link took out Zelda’s Letter from his pocket.

“Navi, I have personally met one of the most famous people throughout the land,” Link waved the parchment around, “Not to mention, received her autograph—without even asking! Who wouldn’t mob me?”

Navi paused, “…Oh alright, I guess that’s somewhat logical.”

The village was completely abandoned. The Kokiri girl on the roof of the local shop, the Kokiri guy who usually did backflips, the strange blonde Kokiri girl who stood on the pillar in the middle of the village—all of them, gone. Link, ready to assume the worst, wandered into the Great Deku Tree’s meadow. There he stumbled across the strangest sight: all the Kokiri in the village had gathered in front of the withered tree. Each had a black article on their person. A blonde Kokiri stood before the group, speaking—from where he was standing, Link was unable to hear her. He wandered closer.

“What do you think they are doing?” Link asked.

“They must be having a funeral,” Navi answered.

Link looked at Navi, “A what?”

“A funeral,” Navi repeated, “It’s an occasion in which people bury or cremate, that is burn, their departed loved ones. They can take up to—”

“B-Burn?” Link stopped dead in his tracks, “They’re going to burn the Great Deku Tree?”

Navi snapped her attention to the funeral procession, “Oh crap…we still need that Spiritual Stone of the Forest! Hurry! We need to get it before they burn him!!”

“Right!” Link began to sprint, “Hey guys! STOP!”

The blonde Kokiri fell silent. A sea of heads turned to glare frigidly at Link. The blonde Kokiri strode stiffly up to Link. She looked annoyed.

“We need to stop this funeral!” Navi exclaimed.

“And why would we do THAT?” the blonde Kokiri put her hands on her hips.

“Ummm…” Navi bit her lip, “Link, would you care to explain?”

“Hey!” Link waved, “Uhhh, we, erm, kinda need to retrieve something from the Great Deku Tree’s possessions…”

The blonde Kokiri glared at Link, “Then why interrupt us?!”

Navi flew over, “Look, Maria, you know as well as we do, that the Great Deku Tree, bless his soul, kept all of his valuables in his leaves! So all Link needs to do is climb up and get it!”

“Wait,” Link paused, “I what?”

“What?! You want to raid the Great Deku Tree’s corpse?! Of all the blasphemous things in this sorry excuse for a world, this has got to be the absolute worst! You can’t possibly be serious! If the Great Mido knew—” Maria hollered, before breaking into incoherent evil muttering.

“Maria, it won’t take all of five minutes,” Navi huffed.

“Absolutely not!” Maria shouted.

“Pweeease…” Link looked at Maria with big, watered eyes.

Maria let out a large sigh, “Fine! Just make it snappy!”

“Thanks!” Link grinned.

Link approached the base of the Deku Tree, and stared up at the leaves. It looked like a looooonnnnggg climb. Link ignored the bitter mumbling behind him from the Kokiris, spat on the palm of his hands, grabbed onto some of the bark, and jumped up so that his feet up were parallel to the trunk. Link climbed higher. About mid-way up, his hand slipped. There was a subsequent thud.

“Aiiieeee! Zit!!” Link shouted upon impact, “Ouchie…”

Navi blinked, “Well, that was an odd outcry.”

Maria let out a groan, “I’ve had it, Link! Just had it! Whenever you hop down from a pedestal, jump around, do summersaults, leap off of ledges, and pretty much anything you do, you always say the weirdest crap! Why in the Lost Woods do you say ‘zit’ whenever you fall down?!”

“Because it hurts…” Link whimpered feebly.

Finally, many failed attempts later, Link was able to climb up into the Deku Tree’s leaves. The Kokiri watched in awkward silence and stared at Link through the branches. Link was reminded of a crowd of lifeless drones. Before long, Link spotted the Spiritual Stone. Link clambered over toward it. He reached out to grab it.

“Link! Will you hurry up?” Maria bellowed.

“Just wait,” the tips of Link’s fingers grazed the stone, “I think I got it—! AHHHHHH!”

Link lost his balance and came crashing down to the earth. His outcry of pain was louder than usual. Link lay curled up in a ball at the base of the trunk. There was a  “plink” sound as the Spiritual Stone came falling after him. It landed on Link’s head. DUH DU DUH NUH NU, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH!!! Link received the Spiritual Stone of the Forest!!

Navi sighed, “Hurry it up, Link.”

“We’re trying to have a funeral here!” Maria snapped.

Link rose, “Man… Maria… You sound so much like Mido sometimes…”

“Well, of course!” Maria’s fairy piped up, “She’s become head Kokiri ever since he died!”

Navi flew over to Maria’s fairy, “Yeah, but she could at least try to be nicer than him…”

Link paused, “Wait, he’s dead?”

Navi looked at Link, and then at the glaring Kokiri.

“…Well!” Navi piped, “We’ll have to be on our way now! Right Link?”

Link raised his eyebrow, “We do?”

Navi nudged him.

“Uh, yeah! We do,” Link smiled, “We’re going to see Saria, like you suggested.”

“Right!” Navi chuckled nervously, “After this we need to get back to collecting more jewelry for Princess Zelda!”

The ground started shaking. Link looked over his shoulder and saw that all the Kokiri suddenly looked enthusiastic. That, and they were now thundering down the path towards him.

“You’ve met Princess Zelda?” they yelled in unison, “Tell us all about her!”

“…I’vegottogototheSacredForestMeadownow! Bye!” Link made a dash for the forest.
_______________________________________________________________________

Link ran into the woods like his life depended on it. Which, to some extent, it did. He would have liked to have put more distance between him and the Zelda fan-Kokiri, however, the random owl stopped him. No one was quite sure how. Since all the random owl did was speak to him.

“Hey, over here! Hoo hoo!” the random owl called out, “Good to see you again.”

Link didn’t skip a beat; “It’s that stalker again!”

“I am not a stalker,” the random owl crossed his wings, “And if you want to get through the forest to find Saria, you’re going to need my help.”

“HA! We don’t need your help,” Navi turned sharply towards Link, “Link, let’s keep moving!”

Link knew better than to disobey Navi. He strode confidently ahead. When he came out, he blinked. He was exactly where he started. Shaking his head, he proceeded to another path. And again, he was back to where he started. The owl stared at him, snickering. Link tried a third time, and the path led somewhere else…but the next path he took, and he returned to the start. Link tried this several times, each time, the owl grew to look more and more smug. Link stood panting, having again failed. He glared up at the bird.

“Okay…” Link wheezed, “…fine… Tell us how…to get through the…woods to Saria…”

“I told you so…” The random owl smirked.

Navi sighed, “Link you’re fired. You are a terrible means of transportation.”

“Now listen to this,” the random owl cleared his throat, “After going through the Lost Woods, you will come across the Sacred Forest Meadow. That is a sacred place where few people have ever walked.”

The owl put his wing up to where his ear would be.

“Shhh… What’s that?” the owl said.

“…But I can’t hear anything…” Navi said.

Link cupped his ear, “I love that sound…”

Navi turned sharply to Link, “A terrible means of transportation, and insane.”

The bird turned to Navi, “…You should listen for that tune too…”

“Erm…” Navi paused, “I’ll pass…”

“Hoo hoo hoo! Do you want to hear what I said again?” the owl asked.

Link was snapped out of his reverie, “Heck, no! It’s a pain to listen to you once, not to mention a second time!”

“If you are courageous, you will make it through the forest just fine…” the random owl smiled.

“Now how does that work?” Link asked.

“…Just follow your ears and listen to the sounds coming from the forest!” the random owl continued.

Navi let out an irritated sigh.

“We don’t have to since there are tire tracks leading all the way to the Forest Meadow,” Navi retorted, “For someone who states the obvious, you certainly can’t see the obvious.”

Sure enough, there was a set of smoking tire tracks. They wove off through the forest and numerous skid marks could be seen. The tracks appeared fresh, and one could easily deduce that whomever made the tracks was either crazy or a terrible driver. Or both.

“Wow,” Link gaped, “I didn’t notice them before now…”

Navi raised her eyebrows.

The random owl broke the silence, “…Just remember.”

Link looked at the owl, “Remember what?”

“Remember that the word ‘rats’ is the word ‘star’ backwards. Hoot hoot!” the random owl hooted.

The owl flew away.

Link turned to Navi, “Does that mean that we may look like stars, but we are actually srats?”

“Link, srats isn’t a word,” Navi said.

“But ‘srats’ is ‘stars’ spelt backwards,” Link nodded, “Just because stars is the plural of star, doesn’t mean it should be exempt from this rule.”

Navi paused, “Wait… Now that I think about it, that bird never told us how to actually get to Saria…”

“That jerk!” Link yelled, shaking his fist in the direction where the random owl had flown.
_________________________________________________________________________

Link followed the trail the smoking tire tracks left behind in the forest. When he arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow, there was a door barring the path. The tire tracks continued under the gate, and on ahead. Either the door had already been open when the driver passed through, or they had managed to find a way of opening the gate. Navi flew closer to the gate, looking around.

“There must be some means of opening this…” she muttered.

A gray wolf emerged from the ground. It charged towards Link.

“Awwwwww!” Link cooed.

The wolf stopped dead in its tracks, “Arf?”

The wolf sat down and tilted its head to the side. Link dashed toward it, his arms outstretched.

“Link…” Navi said slowly.

“It’s so cute~! I’m going to name it Afatufivomany!” Link hugged Afatufivomany around the middle, “Don’t you think that it’s a lovely name?”

Afatufivomany started to gnaw on Link’s leg.

“Uhhh… Link?” Navi gulped, “I think you’re suppost to defeat it…”

Link turned his head sharply towards Navi, a reproachful glare on his face.)

“But it’s too cute for us to fight!” Link smiled at Afatufivomany, “I know! He can be our cute and lovable partner on our adventures!”

Link’s statement was lost on Navi, as Afatufivomany had clamped his jaws shut over her.

“Mmmmmmmmm! Mmmm, mmmm mm!” Navi’s muffled screams could be heard from Afatufivomany’s muzzle.

(Translation note: ‘Ahhhhhhhh! Link, help me!’)

“What?” Link asked with his hand over his ear, “I didn’t catch that.”

Afatufivomany shook himself loose from Link’s grasp. It turned and charged toward Link again. It leapt into the air, paws extended towards our hero’s face. Link opened his arms, about to welcome the embrace.

“Afatufivomany!” Link declared, “Come to Papa!”

Afatufivomany accidentally stabbed himself on Link’s sword and died.

“Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo—!” Link fell to his knees in despair, “My poor Afatufivomany! It was too young to die!!”

Navi whizzed out of Afatufivomany’s slack jaw, “Judging by its breath, I’d say it was at least 1 234 567 890 years old.”

Link paused, “How can you calculate age by breath?”

“Oh, that’s easy. We fairies can just tell how many rubber chickens it has gnawed on. Duh,” Navi rolled her eyes, “He’s gnawed on 1 234 567 890 123 456 789 012 345 678 901 234 567 890 rubber chickens. Don’t you know that it means he would be at least 1 234 567 890 years old. At least.”

“Really, Navi?” Link looked awed.

Navi blinked, “You’re an idiot.”

Link nodded in agreement, “That is so true. Wait…”

Navi zipped towards the doorway before Link could figure out what had been said to him. The gate opened upon her approach. Link whooped and ran up beside her, looking all around in glee. He and Navi had arrived at the edge of a maze. The walls were tall, and looked difficult to climb, and the exterior decorator needed to be fired.

Link looked down the corridor to the right, and the corridor to the left; “Which way do we go to solve the maze?”

"And last chapter you were saying that I was blind…” Navi slapped her forehead, “Can’t you see the holes right in front of us? They’re shaped like camper vans.”

Navi indicated toward a series of crudely shaped holes that indeed looked like they had been made by a campervan. The smoking tire tracks continued through them.

“Oh…”

Link and Navi proceeded through them. Along the path, there were corpses of what appeared to be the remains of Deku Scrubs. Eventually the walls of the maze disappeared and the tire tracks careened up a set of stairs. More roadkill was found at the top of them, as the path narrowed to a trail through the trees.

“I think I smell burnt fairy,” Link said.

The path opened up to a glade. Off to the left, a campervan was smashed up against a stone wall. Smoke poured out of the front of it, and there appeared to be a tall and narrow sign crushed between the wall and the van. The back of the van was open, and a small kitchen and a bed were visible. A kettle sat on the stovetop.

Higher up was a ruin of sorts, overgrown with vines. An entrance could be seen, but if there had been stairs, they had crumbled away. There was tall tree growing up beside the entrance. Below, a lone stump was embedded in the ground. A campfire had been set up. And seated on the stump was a green-haired girl, playing an ocarina. A green fairy flew in slow irregular circles around her head.

“Saria!” Link exclaimed as he ran over to her.

This begs the question, game-wise: if Saria gave you her Ocarina, how does she still have it?

“I’ve been waiting for you, Link!” Saria smiled, “This is the Sacred Forest Meadow.”

“We already knew that…” Navi muttered, “We do live in these woods too, you know.”

Link glared at Navi; Saria didn’t seem to notice. Saria roasted marshmallows over the campfire. Miraculously, the fire didn’t seem to have spread to the rest of the meadow, but there was a conspicuous bucket of water sitting beside her.

"This is my secret place,” Saria smiled.

Saria’s fairy began to drift towards the roasting marshmallow.

“Um…Saria?” Navi began.

“Navi, don’t interrupt…” hissed Link out of the corner of his mouth.

“But…”

Navi watched as the fairy got stuck in the white goo. It fluttered its wings, unable to free itself.

“I feel…this place will be very important for both of us some day,” Saria continued, “That’s what I feel.”

“Link—!”

“Navi…”Link muttered, “Shut up!”

"But—!”

The fairy’s wing burst into flame. Saria took her stick and dunked it in to bucket of water, fairy, marshmallows, and all. A loud fizzing was heard. Saria withdrew the stick from the water.

“That’s got to be, like, the millionth time that he’s done that in the past hour!” Saria exclaimed irritably, “You think he would have learned by now not to do that!”

Saria plucked the fairy off the marshmallow by the wing and held him up to Link and Navi. She smiled.

"See? Good as new!” she exclaimed, “Except for this little black, burnt spot on the tip of his wing. It simply won’t come off. It’s been there since, what, the 32nd time? But it’s hardly noticeable, right?”

“Hi, Navi~!” the fairy waved.

“I wasted what must have been two seconds of my time trying to get it off. I’ve tried everything, Windex, bleach, toilet-cleaner fluids, acids, bases…” Saria sighed, “But no avail. He’s just going to be a spotted little fellow by the end of this trip. You do remember Ivan, right Navi?”

Navi nodded, “I’d only forget with an I.Q. as low as his …”

“You know, Navi, ‘Ivan’ is ‘Navi’ spelled backwards…” Link pondered, “Why would the Deku Tree name you two like that?”

Navi sighed: “In case you didn’t know, Link, the Great Deku Tree was short a few acorns, wasn’t the sharpest needle on the pine, if you get my meaning.”

“No, I don’t,” Link said.

“Anyway, he was a crazy old tree,” Navi snapped, “Why else would he leave all his money to me, of all people?”

“I…I guess that makes sense…” Link paused, “Or doesn’t….”

Saria allowed Ivan to take flight again.

“Moving on then…” Saria said, “If you play the Ocarina here, you can talk to the spirits in the forest. Would you like to play the Ocarina with me?”

Link shrugged, “Sure.”

Navi groaned, “Link! This had better not become a habit!”

“Okay, try and follow along with the melody I will play. Are you ready?” Saria asked.

Link gave her a broad grin, “As ready as I’ll ever be!”

“Alright!” she grinned.

Five Deku Scrubs appeared on the ledge of the entrance of some inaccessible place. What made them different from other Deku Scrubs were that their leaves were arranged in spiky yellow Mohawks, and each wore two eye patches—one on each eye. Before Link knew it, a large number of Deku scrubs flooded into the area from the trail he and Navi had taken to arrive here. Some appeared on the walls of the building, while some perched on Saria’s campervan. The crowd was so thick that one of the Deku Scrubs standing beside the Saria caught fire and set fire to several more.

Navi looked at the distinctive Deku Scrubs, “Is that—?”

“Yep! It’s that famous band: The Scrubs!” Saria shouted.

A cheer rang out from the surrounding Deku Scrubs.

Saria pulled out her ocarina, “HIT IT, BOYS!!!!!”

Out of the blue, five trashcan lids, five rubber chickens and five wooden spoons appeared before the band members. There was a clamor as the eye-patched Scrubs began searching around blindly to find their instruments. After they got it together, they began to beat the trashcan lids with their spoons and chickens. Saria stood up on the stump and put her ocarina to her lips. She began playing Saria’s Song wildly to the background ‘music’. The resulting tune had no melody, and pitched and squealed from one octave to the next. After they were finished, Saria and all the Deku Scrubs stared at Link expectantly.

Link clutched his Ocarina in his hand, “How the *[CENSOREDZ]* am I supposed to follow along with that!?” 

They all looked at him like he was some sort of idiot, and began muttering amongst themselves. Some murmured that he had no musical taste if he wasn’t able to recognize the artistic arrangement of Saria’s song.

“Fine!” Saria snapped, “If you can’t understand this artistic arrangement, then it’s over between us, Link!”

“Wait, what?” Navi said.

“This band that we were trying to form, it’s just never going to work,” Saria’s eyes were filled with melodramatic tears.

“Can I at least learn the song…?” Link asked timidly.

“Fine, but only as a special favour to you,” Saria said, “Don’t get it in your head that you’re a musician, okay?”

“Fine, I’ll just have to become an artist, then!” Link declared.

“Just teach him the song,” Navi sighed.

Saria played her song on the Ocarina. As Link repeated the melody, The Scrubs  band began to wander away, muttering what a jerk Link was for not having good taste for new-aged music. When Link took the Ocarina away from his lips, he noticed that it sparkled brightly as if somebody had glued glitter on it.

Link raised his eyebrow, “Who glued glitter on my Ocarina?”

“I did!” giggled Ivan.

Ivan started spiraling toward the ground. “Weeee~” was distinctly heard before he face-planted. Link looked at his Ocarina again. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned Saria’s song! …Under rather awkward circumstances…

“Hee hee hee! Great! Great! Please don’t forget this song! Do you promise?” Saria looked at Link intently.

“With a reception like that, I doubt anyone but Ivan could,” Link pointed out.

Saria pretended not to hear, “When you want to hear my voice, play Saria’s song. You can talk to me anytime…”

“’Kay! Bye!” Link smiled.

“Bye, Navi~!” Ivan waved with his face still planted in the dirt.

Navi sighed, “Bye, Ivan.”

Link turned towards the path, “Now we can continue our adventure to work for Zelda!”

The ground began to shake. Link looked over his shoulder. Thundering down the path were all the Deku Scrubs from the concert. There were distinctly more of them than there had been Kokiri, and they were all charging toward him in a similar fashion.

“Link, you idiot!” Navi cried.

“Oh no…not again…” Link whimpered.

Link charged out of the Sacred Forest Meadow as fast as his little legs could carry him. He mowing Deku Scrubs down as he went, clinging to his hat. He ran into the maze, darting through the campervan-shaped holes, putting as much distance between him and the Deku as he could.  He only stopped when he ran into the Random Owl.

“Hoo Hoo! Did you learn the Ocarina Song from Saria? That melody seems to have some mysterious power. There may be other mysterious songs like this that you can learn in Hyrule,” the Random Owl said.

Navi rolled her eyes, “If you call trashcan music powerfully mysterious…”

“(Insert explanation on how to play the Ocarina) Do you want to hear what I said again?” the random owl smiled.

“NO!” Link yelled, “What I want to know is how you even know how to play an ocarina. You don’t have any lips!”

“Or fingers,” Navi added.

The Owl began to speak louder, “(Insert explanation about Ocarina songs on the Status Subscreen)”

“Shut up!” Link bellowed.

“Only if you give me Zelda’s autograph!” the Random Owl demanded.

“NEVER!”

“Fine! Be that way!” the random owl ruffled his feathers and started to fly away, “…The nerve of youngsters these days…”

“I am being that way!” Link shouted after him.

Shortly after the owl left, the Zelda-obsessed Deku Scrubs caught up with him. He dashed off with the bulk of them on his tail. He managed to escape to the Kokiri village, only to be cornered by the Kokiri Zelda fans. Link zipped out of the village, into Hyrule Field.

“Phew, I’m glad that’s over,” Link wiped his forehead.

“Um, Link…?” Navi said.

“What…?”

Skeletons rose up from the ground.

"You’ve got to be kidding me!” Link groaned, “More Zelda fans? This is worse than an anime convention!”

“Right, Link, whatever,” Navi said, “Focus.”

“Navi, what exactly is an anime conventi—”

“Link, you don’t exactly have the time to be talking right now!” Navi snapped.

Link shook his leg to dislodge a skeleton that was gnawing on it, “Why not?”

“Does can has Princess Zelda’s autograph?” asked the skeleton.

“No, you not does can has,” Link retorted.

“What?” Navi blinked.

With that, Link booted the skeleton away, and bolted off once more. Unaware of where he was, he dashed into a small settlement in the middle of the field just at daybreak.

Chapter 5
________________________________________________________________________

What would happen if Ruto was telepathic?
Wonder no more! In this fic you'll see how one little mistake changes the whole storyline!
________________________________________________________________________

Where we last left our heroes, Link flew to Kakariko village. Yes, flew. But this was because he had exploited the Random Owl's good nature to carry him back down Death Mountain. At this moment, Link was deposited onto a random rooftop, and the Owl was flying away. Link paid no attention until there was a loud explosion in the distance.

"I wonder if Saria knows anything about the other Spiritual Stone," Navi jolted.

Link blinked, "How could she?"

Navi regained her composure, "Link, Saria has had more brains and a larger repository of random knowledge than you'll ever have. Why do you suddenly doubt her?"

"First off, no Kokiri has ever left the forest except me!" Link started counting on his fingers, "Second off, she's a Kokiri, how would she know anything about jewelry, especially rare stuff that the Princess wants us to get? And third off, she's on vacation with her camper van and people on vacations don't like being bugged!"

"Link, how do you know that?" Navi asked, "As far as I can tell, you've never been on a vacation in your life."

There was silence for a few seconds. Link decided it would be best not to tell Navi about the time when he walked in the middle of Mido's vacation in the Lost Woods. Or what Mido looks like with cucumbers on both eyes.

"And besides," Link huffed, "how can we contact her?"

"Well, you've recently learned how to play Saria's Song…" Navi said, "And you do have Saria's Ocarina (somehow), so maybe when you play the song, then they'll resonate with her. Kinda like a cellphone."

"Oh! Good idea!" Link exclaimed.

Link played Saria's Song.)

"Hey!" Navi jolted again, "Do you want to talk to Saria?"

Link paused, "Didn't we just decide this?"

Navi turned red and flew into Link's hat. Link, having nothing better to do, put the ocarina up to his ear. He heard a dial tone.

"Navi?" Link asked as he kept his ear to the mouthpiece.

"Yes, Link?" Link's hat said.

"What's a cellphone?" Link said.

The hat paused, "I have no clu—"

"Link? This is Saria, can you here me?" a familiar voice came from the ocarina.

"Yep," Link said, "Loud and clear."

"That's good," the voice said, "I was afraid that this tree root wouldn't work as a receiver…"

"Hey, Saria," Link looked at his fingernails, "do you know about the Spiritual Stones? We're collecting them for Princess Zelda."

"Are you collecting Spiritual Stones?" the voice asked.

Link dropped the ocarina, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

Navi's head peeked out from Link's hat, "You just told her, dimwit."

Link picked up the ocarina again, "Oh."

Navi flew over to one of the holes, "Anyways, we only have one more to find, do you know anything about it?"

"You have one more to find? You mean the Spiritual Stone of Water, don't you?" the voice said.

"Yep!" Link exclaimed.

"Something like that," Navi replied.

The voice pondered this for a moment, "The Great Deku Tree once told me that the King Zora, ruler of Zora's Domain, has it."

Navi smirked, "That's how!"

"Oh shut up," Link said.

"What?" the voice paused.

Navi sighed, "Never mind."

"Saria?" Link asked.

"What is it, Link?" the voice responded.

"What's a 'Zora'?" Link asked.

The voice paused, "Hmmm… Well, that's kinda hard to explain—"

"Never mind, Saria. I'll tell him," Navi said into the ocarina, "Don't trouble yourself."

"Oh… Okay… Talk to you later! Saria out!" the voice cheered.

There was a distinct clicking sound heard on the other end. Link pocketed the ocarina.)

Link turned to the fairy, "Well, what's a 'Zora'?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "You'll figure it out eventually. Asking now is pointless. Anyways—"

"Why?!" Link whined.

"You'll find out as soon as we get to Zora's Domain! Now stop asking questions—" Navi said.

"But I wanna know now!" Link whined.

Navi glared at the Kokiri, "Link, stop being a pain."

Resentful, Link whipped out his ocarina. He started playing Saria's Song, until Navi flew into one of the holes and made the last note played the wrong pitch.

Link glared at the blue ball, "What now?!"

"Link! It's rude to call a person without a good reason!" Navi said.

Link blinked, "It is?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Yes!"

Link gazed at the ocarina, "Well… The reason I have is good enough!"

Link started playing Saria's song again.

"GAH!! FINE! I'll tell you!" Navi yelled.

Link smiled, "Okay!"

Navi knew that now Link had dropped his guard. She flew down and snatched the instrument from Link's hands. She then floated over him so she was just out of Link's reach. However, this didn't stop him from hopping up and down to try and retrieve the ocarina from her clutches.

"Hey! No fair!" Link bounced on, "Gimme!"

"I'm confiscating this from you!" Navi exclaimed, "For being rude and irresponsible to your own best friend!"

Link glared at the fairy, "What are you, my mother?"

"N-no!" Navi turned red, "Even if we were the same species, I'd have to be fifteen to be your mother!"

"How old are you?" Link started counting on his fingers, "Fifteen plus—"

"BESIDES!" Navi interrupted, "You're the main character! And in this franchise, that automatically means that you're not allowed to have a mother!"

Navi turned her back on Link.

"So there!"

Link eyed the ocarina, and tried retrieving it a couple of times before lowering his head. He began grumbling to himself. That is, until he spotted a small, bright yellow dot in the distance. Link squinted. Sure enough, this bright yellow dot was a mask on a person's face…a person who stood by the entrance to Death Mountain. An evil glint in the mask's eyes could be seen from where Link stood. Link shuddered.

"H-h-he's never going to take that mask off, is he?" Link shivered.

"Who?" Navi turned around.

Link gulped, "The gate guard with the mask…and the imaginary son…"

Navi sighed, "Okay, Link, maybe that guy does have a son! And besides, we'll never know whether he does or not, because its obvious that he wanted that mask for himself."

Link blinked, "But then why would he say it was for his son?"

"Say, Link, let's go find some Zoras, okay?"

Link gulped and slowly nodded before he leapt off the roof of the building and exited Kakariko Village.
________________________________________________________________________

From then on, Link headed through Hyrule Field and headed to the Castle Grounds. He seemed to be wandering aimlessly as he sneaked past the blind and deaf guards to blow up an inconspicuous rock. This, in turn, opened up to a small hole in which he could crawl through. When inside, the layout looked suspiciously familiar to the Fairy's Fountain up on Death Mountain. Link walked onto the Triforce pattern on the floor.

Link held out his open hand, "Well?"

Navi glanced at their surroundings, "Link, this place looks very similar to—"

"I know that," Link moved his open hand closer to the blue ball, "Give me the ocarina anyway."

"Link, do you honestly want to see another 'Great Fairy' like the last one?" Navi asked.

"Look, not all fairies are the same!" Link put his hands on his hips, "You are a prime example of that!"

Navi turned red, "What is that supposed to mean—"

"I USED to think," Link said, "all fairies were nice, pink, little glowing balls of happiness that always healed you from death. But when I got my own guardian fairy, it woke me up to go shopping, made me meet a crazy princess, disapproved of my pet choices, and even started beating me atop the head with some dead guy's remains."

Navi flew ominously closer to the boy, but Link continued before she could do anything to him.

"I'VE LEARNED," Link said, "that stereotyping is not only inaccurate, but leads to very not-nice circumstances! What I'm saying is that maybe not all Great Fairies look like that previous, freaky one!"

Navi gaped, "…I'm not sure whether to beat you up, or be proud of you."

"Now, give me the ocarina so we can make sure!" Link held his hand out again.

Navi looked at the ocarina, and then at Link, "No."

With that, Navi flipped over the ocarina she was holding, and flew over the Triforce pattern on the floor. She then played Zelda's Lullaby to the best of one's ability when one has such short arms. Out from the center of the fountain arose another tall woman who, not only was wearing the same getup as the previous one, looked identical to the one on Death Mountain. She came shrieking out of the fountain, in a fashion one would expect from a witch who had just eaten a farm full of chilly peppers.

"AAAAHHH! MY MOUTH! IT BURNSSSS!!" the 'Great Fairy' screeched, clawing at her tongue in vain.

There was a long and awkward pause.

Link grabbed Navi's hand and slapped it to his eyes, "AUGH! Why don't I listen to you more often?"

"That's a very good question," Navi paused.

"AAAAHHHHH! Hmm?" the 'Great Fairy' then turned to our two heroes, "Errr… Which one of you played the Song of the Royal Family?"

"That would be me," Navi raised her hand briefly before Link slapped it back on his eyes.

"Ahh…Okay then…" the 'Great Fairy' coughed, "Welcome, Navi."
Link paused, "How do you know our names?"

"Oh, that's easy," the 'Great Fairy' smiled, "We Great Fairies use email each other so we know who, how, and when you are coming."

"Oh! That's not fair!" Navi huffed, "You scantily dressed women getting all the technological advantages."

"What's 'email'?" Link asked.

"Errr…" the 'Great Fairy' gulped, "Ummm… Your civilization is not supposed to know that until the twenty-first century…"

"The twenty-first CENTURY?!" Link exclaimed, "And what year are we in, the one hundreds?!"

Navi glared at the suspicious person, "Who the heck are you?!"

"I am the Great Fairy of Magic!" the 'Great Fairy' replied.

Navi paused, "I meant from which era are you from…"

The 'Great Fairy' paused, "…I will give you a magic spell! Please take it!"

A diamond-shaped object dropped from above and Navi got Din's Fire! A magical artifact that at the cost of some magic power can let out a fiery blast wave!

"You can use Din's Fire not only to attack, but to also burn things!" the 'Great Fairy' instructed.

Link peeked out from Navi's hands, "Hey! That's kinda cool!"

Navi looked at the 'Great Fairy', "Are you trying to turn me into a budding pyromaniac?"

"Errr…When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me!" the 'Great Fairy' told Navi.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Why of course, fellow pyro. I'll come here every day."

The 'Great Fairy' winked, "Great! See you then!"

Navi hovered in stunned silence as the 'Great Fairy' shrunk back into the center of the fountain.

Link had his gaze fixed on the object, "How come you get Din's Fire?"

"I'm guessing that it was because I played Zelda's Lullaby, instead of you," Navi said.

"But I want it!" Link wailed.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Whatever, you're supposed to be the hero in this story."

Navi tossed Din's Fire down to Link.

"Yay!" Link said.

Din's Fire landed and bounced off of Link's head. This somehow activated its magic process and a fiery dome began to engulf the room. Neither of our heroes expected this and the result was a burnt and broken Fairy's Fountain. Link body wound up looking half charcoaled, and most of his clothes had burnt holes in them. However, Link managed to save his hat from any major damage. The charred Kokiri looked at his hat.

"My hat… it's safe…YESSSS!" Link's mouth cracked into a smile of unintentional glee.

"…I'm not sure what to say to this," Navi paused as she watched the Kokiri dance.

Navi thought it was high time for Link to go and actually continue his quest, so she somehow managed to convince the boy to head off.
________________________________________________________________________

When they got back to Hyrule Field, Navi pointed to a mouth of a river, and managed to convince the boy to head swim up it. It wasn't long until they reached dry ground, and were stopped by a familiar voice.

"Hoo Hoo! It looks like you've gotten bigger and stronger already, Link!" the Random Owl exclaimed.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Link exclaimed.

"Wait…" Navi paused, "If Link has gotten bigger, then I haven't noticed at all. How can you tell?"

"I have my sources…" the Random Owl smirked, "Just ahead lies Zora's Domain. The Zoras serve Hyrule's Royal Family by protecting this water source."

Link flopped into a slouch, "You sound like a boring teacher on a field trip…"

Navi blinked, "Link, what's a field trip?"

"I have no clue," Link said.

"Their door will not open for anyone except those who have some connection with the Royal Family," the Random Owl continued.

"That is us!" was Link's attempt to get the owl to go away.

"I wish guns were invented," Navi muttered bitterly.

"Let them hear the melody of the Royal Family. Hoo hoo hoot!" the random owl said.

The Random Owl flew away.

"But we already knew that!" Link yelled at the bird.

"You never know!" the Owl called back in retaliation.

Link and Navi groaned as continued heading upstream. They eventually came to the end of the road when Link approached a large waterfall. Our heroes then noticed the a Triforce symbol on the ground.

"Ahem?" Link held out his hand once more.

"Give up, Link. I'm confiscating this until you stop pestering people by finding out what a Zora is," Navi said.

"Navi, whenever there's a three…triangle thingy on the floor, like here," Link pointed to the Triforce symbol, "it means that I'm supposed to play the song of the Princess. I need it to continue on my quest."

But Navi was a stubborn fairy: "Not until you find out. Here."

Navi then put the ocarina to her mouth and played Zelda's Lullaby. Suddenly the waterfall parted from above, and revealed a hole in the side of the cliff. Navi flew in.

Link was soon to follow, however as he began to leap forward, the gap in the waterfall closed. Link's head was in between the waters and what resulted was the severe dousing of a certain protagonist's head. With his hat and hair soaked, and what seemed like buckets of water crammed down his ears, Link glared at the faint blue light that still flickered behind the falling waters.

"Naviii!" Link screamed.

Navi rolled her eyes as Zelda's Lullaby echoed from behind the waterfall. As soon as the waters parted, the dripping Kokiri boy charged through the opening and screeched to a halt. Link glared at the fairy.

"Thank you," Link growled.

Navi sighed, "Link, if it makes you feel any better, now I have damp living quarters to return to."

Only partly satisfied, Link headed through the hole in the cliff side and ended up in a cave-like area. Within it was a waterfall connected to a large pool of water, with a couple of roadways curving off into other rooms. Link, having no particular desire to get wet again, ran around until he found an area that looked somewhat more regal.

There was an elaborate gate and what sat in the center of it was an extremely overweight aquatic creature. It was garbed in a single red robe that draped around it like a cape. On it's head was a jewel. Before it was a platform from where people were assumed to talk to it. It was safe to assume that if these Zora people had a noble family, this one would be the King.

Link raised an eyebrow, "Is this a Zora?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Navi shrugged, "Not much to write home about, if you ask me."

"Are they always this ugly?" Link paused.

"Not always," Navi said, "if you want to see a regular Zora, then go to your left and talk to that tall thing atop of waterfall. But if, for some reason, you want to see the Princess, Ruto, then you have to go to Lake Hylia and retrieve the sunken bottle, show it to the Zora King here, then get a fish, show said fish to Lord Jabu Jabu, proceed to get eaten by Lord Jabu Jabu, complete a bit of the dungeon and you should come across her."

Link's jaw unhinged, "And how do you know THAT?!"

"Err…" Navi bit her lip, "Pretend you didn't hear anything…"

Link walked over to the opening to the left, "Okay! I'll take your strange advice and talk to the other Zora who's supposed to be this way!" Link sighed, "That is, if he IS there…"

Navi hovered on the spot, "Whatever. Have fun."

"Oh, my dear sweet princess Ruto…" the King muttered to himself, "Where has she gone? I'm so worried…"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Didn't you hear me when I said she's in the belly of Lor—I mean…Uh-oh…"

The King eyed the fairy with suspicion, "What was that?"

Navi looked side to side, "In the…in the….in the belly of Lorgoriontheiga!"

"And what, pray tell, is a Lorgoriontheiga?" the King Zora said.

"Oh, no no no no, you don't quite understand," Navi said, "'In the belly of Lorgoriontheiga' is slang for 'somewhere I, or you, or we don't know'."

"Seems like quite the pointless phrase for that statement," the King scoffed, "It would be much simpler if one would just say 'somewhere I do not know'."

"Well, er, that's not the only phrase 'in the belly of Lorgoriontheiga' is associated with. It can also mean 'something that doesn't concern me, or you, or us'!" Navi chuckled.

The King huffed, "Quite absurd."

Link walked back from the left of the room.

"Hi!" Link waved, "What'd I miss?"

"Well, frankly, in the belly of Lorgoriontheiga!" The King Zora said.

"Wait, what?" Link asked.

The King leaned towards the boy, "In the belly of Lor-gor-ion-thei-ga."

Link cocked his head, "Excuse me?!"

Navi chuckled nervously, "Oh, I'm sorry, sire, I forgot that it's only slang for us fairies. It's highly popular amongst us, but all the other races of Hyrule frankly don't know it."

The King turned to the side, "Hmf! Quite absurd indeed!"

"Wha—?" Link blinked.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Ahh! Never mind! Lets go see that Zora on the left again!"

"But I was just over there!" Link pointed behind him.

"Liiiiinnnkkk…" Navi glared at the Kokiri.

"I don't care what you say or do," Link sat on the floor and crossed his arms, "I'm not going back!"

"What if I threw your precious ocarina into the deepest depths of Lake Hylia?" Navi pulled out the ocarina.

Link eyed the blue fairy, "You wouldn't have the guts!"

"Oh yes, I would!" Navi flew over to the left.

"Hey! Come back here!" Link had trouble standing back up.

"Come and get me!" Navi's voice echoed through the corridor.

As soon as he possibly could, our little hero bolted after the crafty blue fairy. He charged through the hallway where he had just come, and failed to notice that this was where the top of the waterfall started. Navi, holding the boy's ccarina tauntingly, flew past the ledge, and out a few meters from the spraying waters.  Link, however, didn't notice how Navi's body was not hovering over solid ground. He dashed straight for her. When he stood before her, it seemed like a split second of time went by before Link realized his current situation and began to fall. Navi's peels of laughter seemed to trail behind him as he fell feet first into the waters below.

There was a loud 'splash' that echoed throughout Zora's Domain. When Link realized what was going on, he was promptly distracted by a couple of rupees that had sunk to the bottom of the pool. Link felt his wallet—empty. After he scrounged around the bottom of the pool to get some quick pocket change, he headed back up to the ledge to go after that pesky fairy. His soaking wet body dripped when he walked, and his boots made a weird squishing sound when he walked. Unfortunately, when he finally was back up top the waterfall, the Zora who stood there stopped him.

"Hey there kiddo!" the Zora smiled, "That was some excellent swimming!"

"Gah! What now—" Link said.

"As prize for getting all the rupees below…" the Zora rummaged through his fins.

"Look," Link breathed heavily, "You're a nice honest guy, right? You have a family and friends, right?"

"Um, yes?" the Zora paused.

Link glared at the Zora, "How would you like all that to end? Huh?"

There was a long and disturbing paused. DUH DUH DUH NUUUUUUHHHH!! Link got the Silver Scale! A silvery scale that Link obtained through threats! Remember kids, threatening people is good!

"With that, you'll be able to go into…heheheh…deeper water…" the Zora chuckled nervously, "Have a nice day?"

"Thank you!" Link growled, pocketing the scale.

Link turned to Navi, who was trying her best to control her snickering.

"Now, give me back that ocarina!" Link held out his hand, menacingly.

Navi looked at Link, and at the ocarina, "No. It's an effective way of blackmailing you to continue your quest."

"Wait, WHAT—?!" Link yelled.

Navi's glowing body zipped down below the edge of the waterfall. Link dashed to the edge of the waterfall, crouched down, and glanced over just in time to see the fairy zip into a hole at the bottom of the waters that Link had not noticed before. Link used the most obscene language he knew—which wasn't as obscene as one would expect due to Link's minuscule vocabulary. Link was about to turn around and take the driest path to said hole when a quick gushing current swept his feet out from under him, and flung him off the ledge. There was another loud 'splash' the echoed through Zora's Domain.
________________________________________________________________________

Link dove down into the hole and found that he ended up in a gigantic lake. This, he knew, was the infamous Lake Hylia that Navi had threatened to throw his ocarina into. Link looked around as best as he could with his sore eyes. He noticed four pillars of stone before him and submerged halfway. Link saw Navi flying by an object at the base of one of these pillars. For some reason, she had turned herself green, and flew around the object without any means of oxygen supply. Link hesitantly swam after the fairy as Navi reemerged to the surface.

"Oh, hello there," Navi giggled, "Did you have fun while I was gone?"

"GIVE…ME…BACK…THE…" Link yelled as he used the last of his strength to try to claw at Navi.

"Ocarina?" Navi asked, "Sorry, but I dropped it beside the bottle down there. I hope you don't mind."

Link glared evilly at the fairy as she dove back under to the object she swam around before, which was apparently a bottle. He dove towards her vibrant green body and grabbed ocarina. Or, so he thought, until he reemerged and held the bottle in his hands. DUN UN UN UNN! Link got a Bottle! Wait… There was something in it…

"Huh, what's that?" Navi said.

"I don't know, and frankly don't care…" Link snarled, "I want my ocarina!!"

Link started to submerge, until Navi grabbed hold of his ear.

"Well, it looks like there's a note in there," Navi stated, "So find out what it says before you go get the ocarina."

"But I can't read—"

"Just give it a try!" Navi snapped.

Link rolled his eyes as he pulled out the note, "It says: Blah blah blah, blah blah…"

"Aren't we the most happy-go-lucky of people today?" Navi said.

Link glared at Navi.

"There is more," Navi pointed to fine print at the bottle of the note.

"I'm telling you Navi, I can't read!" Link said.

Link handed the note to the fairy.

Navi sighed, "'P.S. Don't tell my fa—thhhheeerrr!'"

Navi's wet fingers slipped on the paper and the note fell back down to the bottom of the pillar.

"Ha!" Link said, "In your face!"

"Whatever," Navi said, "You're going to have to go get it back."

"No," Link huffed, "I've done enough of your 'continue on your journey' work, and I don't care whether or not I complete this quest. It's too hard, anyway."

"But Link," Navi said, "You're ocarina's still down there."

What Link said next was too evil and incoherent for anyone but himself to understand properly. Link took a breath and clawed at his ocarina. But, unfortunately, the game insisted that our little hero grabbed the paper note instead of the ocarina. The game designers then dictated that he must automatically swim back to the surface. DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Paper Note…again! A note with secret…ahem, Link swam back under and grabbed the ocarina. DUN UN UN UNN! Link retrieved Saria's Ocarina! A cute ocarina that was held for ransom by a certain fairy for the past thirteen pages! Link resurfaced.

Link took long, deep breaths, "…That…lake…is deep…"

"Well noted, genius. Now stop hyperventilating and get that not to…" Navi turned to look at the note, "…Wait a minute…"

"What…now…?!"

"How did this paper note stay dry when it fell into the water?"

Link took a closer look at the note. Sure enough, the note remained dry as a bone.

"I don't know…" Link paused.
________________________________________________________________________

Link went back through the hole, ignored the squeaking of his shoes until he stood before the King once more. The King examined him from head to toe in startled awe more than anything. Link groaned and opened his new bottle, and showed its contents to the King. The King gazed at the empty bottle blankly. Link paused, and then realized that the note was no longer inside the bottle. Link blushed, pocketed the bottle, and gave the note to the King Zora.

"Ho! This letter! It's from Princess Ruto!!" the King Zora exclaimed.

"It is?" Link asked.

"Apparently…" Navi said.

"But all it says is 'blah blah—" Link started.

"Hmm… Let's see… She's inside Lord Jabu-Jabu? That's not possible!" the King Zora continued.

Link slapped his cheek, "You mean Navi's prediction was right?!"

"Shh! Play along!" Navi whispered, "Now, why wouldn't it possible?"

"Our guardian god, Lord Jabu-Jabu, would never eat my dear Princess Ruto," the King Zora said.

"…God?" Link paused, "Jabu-Jabu is a god?"

"Quiet!" Navi hissed.

"But, most deities, especially Din, Nayru and Farore, remain unseen so their whereabouts are unknown," Link whined, "If that's the case, then how could this Princess Rito, or whatever, get eaten, or write this note in the first place?"

There was a long pause.

"Is there any way that would make him eat her?" Navi rolled her eyes.

"Well… Since that stranger, Ganondorf, came here, Lord Jabu-Jabu has been a little green around the gills…" the King Zora said.

"Well, there you go!" Navi said.

"Ganondorf… Isn't he the guy Princess Zelda took his jewel from…?" Link pondered.

Navi glared at the Kokiri, "Shh! Do you want to get mobbed again!?"

Link gasped and slapped his hands on his mouth in horror.

"The evidence seems clear. Of course, you'll go find Ruto," the King Zora decided.

Link lowered his hands, "But whhhhhhyyyyyy?"

"Shut up, Link!"

"You can pass through here to the altar of Lord Jabu-Jabu," the King Zora pointed behind him.

Link examined the fenced wall behind the King. There was absolutely no opening that Link could see on either side of the King Zora.

After a long pause, Link asked, "Where?"

"This hole behind me," the King said.

Link gaped, "There's a hole behind you?"

The King Zora eyed the boy warily, "Yes."

Link squinted: sure enough, there was a sliver of an opening behind the King Zora's arm.

"Huh. I didn't notice it because you were so fa—" Link started, but was promptly bashed atop the head by Navi, "Owwww…"

"Pardon me?!" the King Zora exclaimed.

Navi flew up desperately to the King's face, "Fatuablitilus! Because you're so fatuablitilus!"

The King rolled his eyes, "Is it also some of your fairy slang?"

"No, no, no, not quite, your highness," Navi stalled, "It's Kokiri slang for 'absolutely fabulous'!"

Link cocked his head, "It is?"

Navi glared at Link.

"…It is!" Link chuckled nervously, "Of course, how could I, uh, forget?"

The King rolled his eyes, "Young ones these days. Oh well. I'll keep this letter, you keep the bottle it was in. Take it respectfully."

"Okay!" Link exclaimed.

"…Wait…" Navi paused, "How'd you find out about that the note was in the bottle?"

"Please find my dear Princess Ruto immediately…" the King Zora said, "Zora."

That was when the King Zora started edging his body over to the side of the ledge he sat upon. And certainly took his sweet time doing so. He moved to the audience's right hand side. Thus starting the longest unimportant cut scene in the entire game. Which the audience must watch—unfortunately.

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" said the King as he shuffled to the side.

"It's obvious that he's avoiding the question," Navi huffed.

"Navi… I don't understand…" Link paused.

"What is there to not understand?!" Navi asked.

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" the King Zora continued to shuffle to the side.

"How come the King said 'Zora' just before he started shuffling over to the side?" Link asked, "And now saying 'mo-eep' over and over again?"

"Maybe it was a translation error," Navi said, "After all, this videogame was originally translated over from Japanese."

Link's eyes widened, "It was?!"

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" the King Zora was still shuffling to the side.

"Yes, it was, Link," Navi explained.

"Navi?"

"Yes, Link?"

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…"

"What's Japanese?"

"I have no clue…"

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" the King Zora finished getting over to the side, "Now you can pass through."

"Yay! Finally!" Link exclaimed, "Thanks Mister—"

"…How?!" Navi exclaimed, "Instead of blocking the entrance behind you, you're blocking the entrance to the walkway so we can't get through!"

Link took a closer look at where the King Zora sat. Sure enough, the King was sitting on the walkway so Link couldn't walk over to the gap in the wall behind the King even if Link wanted to.

Link's smile dropped right off his face, "Hey! That's right! You mo-eeped the wrong way!"

The King paused, "Whoops. Pardon me."

"Link, Mo-eep is hardly a word by itself," Navi sighed, "So, therefore, there's no such word as 'mo-eeped'."

The King Zora started scuffling over to the audience's left.

"What kind of word is 'mo-eep' anyway?" Link muttered under her breath.

"It's the sound he makes as he shuffles to our left," Navi said, "And since this was a Japanese game, it's just a—"

Link kicked the ground, "Japanese, Shapanese! Hylian's so much more awesomer and stuff."

It was a form of cruel and agonizing torture: because the Game Designers had not predicted that the King Zora would shuffle the wrong direction, the camera still focused on his majesty as he scuffled back along the path in which he came. And since the King had traveled the wrong way, he now had to shuffle twice the distance he normally would have. And as the game dictated, the main character had to stay plastered to the spot. This would have been okay, maybe a little annoying for some, however the Game Designers did not take into account Link's extremely short attention span. When the Zora King finally finished going over to the correct side, Link was flopped on the ground, and looked undead from the boredom.

"…Blahoogeelowynfimablah," gargled from Link's throat.

"Link, he's finished," Navi said.

Link's joy could not be expressed in mere words.

"Squeeeeeeeeee!" Link squealed.

His hyperactive little body whizzed through the many winding corridors as he let his ADHD run wild. Navi, unaware of what she unleashed, had no choice but to try her best to stay close to the boy.
________________________________________________________________________

When the little Kokiri had finally worn himself out, Navi noticed that they had ended up in some sort of shop for the Zoran people. Link sprawled himself out on the floor and watched his blue fairy fly in circles above him.

"Haaaaa…hoooooo…" Link wheezed, "Oh man…that was…so…awesome…"

Navi's body jolted suddenly, "It seems Princess Ruto has somehow gotten into Jabu Jabu's belly!"

Link blinked, "No duh…Navi… You were…the one who knew…that before the King saw that…note…!"

"Oh, I know that, Link," Navi sighed, "I'm sorry, it's just that sometimes when you press the up button command, I start spewing out this obvious nonsense that I don't even want to say!"

Link's jaw dropped, "Wait, whaaaa?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Errr…" Navi turned to the Zora behind the counter, "How much for that fish!"

"Hmmm, well let's see," the Zora shopkeeper took a fish in a bottle off the shelf, "Based on the size of this beauty, and the sleekness of those scales, I'd say around 5 000 000 Gald."

Navi hovered on the spot, "Uhhhhh……"

"Wow, that sounds expensive," Link sat up and opened his wallet, "I wonder if I can afford it…"

"What the heck is this 'Gald' you speak of?" Navi said.

"Huh?" the Shopkeeper said.

The Zora grabbed a thin book of loosely stapled together papers and opened it up. This must have been his script book. The Zora Shopkeeper skimmed through his lines wearily. Then he flipped the script closed, and glanced at the cover.

The Zora peered closely at the script, "Oh, wait a second, this one says 'Tales of Symphonia' on it. Whoops, wrong fandom."

The shopkeeper threw the script over his shoulder and then bent behind the counter. He dug through a shelf unseen by Link and Navi, and the Zora tossed various items behind him while doing so.

Navi retrieved the other script, "Tales of Symphonia, huh?"

"Yeah," the Zora's head peeked out from the bottom of the countertop, "It's a Gamecube game with a story filled with plot twists, changing of gears, self-proclaimed angels, and generally good game play."

Navi flipped through the script, "Oh yeah? I've been thinking of getting a Gamecube for a while now…"

"Gimme that!" Link snatched the script from the fairy, "What's a Gamecube, anyway?"

"How'd you even get a hold of this?" Navi asked.

The Clerk shrugged, "If you're a flat and static character like me, acting for two different fandom stories isn't all that bad. Besides, the pay's good."

The Shopkeeper's hand reemerged from behind the counter. Another loosely stapled together script with the words 'Ocarina of Time: Totally Messed' printed on it was lodged between his fingers.

"Ah ha! Here we go!" the Zora stood up, "Okay, which page are we on…"

"I dunno…" Link shrugged, "I'm acting a character who can't read anyway."

"Link, you're so useless!" Navi snapped, "Anyways, you've never told us how much that fish is."

The Zora flipped through the pages, "Chapter 5 page 19, chapter 5 page 20—Ah, here we go!" the Zora cleared his throat, "1000 rupees."

"Wwhhhhaaaattttt?!" Link bellowed, "That's just robbery!"

Navi shrugged, "Hey, look on the bright side. At least if you suddenly decide to go traveling to other worlds within the next few days or so, we'll know the exchange rate between currencies…"

"But N-Navi…" Link sniffled, "I don't have that much… I only have t-ten rupees…"

"Bah, fine, let me handle this," Navi sighed, then flew over to the countertop, "Mr. Fish Guy, how's 900 rupees sound to you?"

"Madame, I'm not an idiot," the Clerk said, "If you think you can bargain down the price to ten rupees from one thousand, you're sorely mistaken."

Link walked up to the counter, "But you were the one who was reading the wrong script."

"Shut up, kid."

Out of the corner of his eye, the Shopkeeper saw Navi steal Link's bottle, swoop over, and grab the fish off the shelf. DUN UN UN UNN! Navi stole a Fish! What a fishy incident… Navi then zipped out of the store as fast as her little wings could carry her.

"Come back here!" the Shopkeeper yelled after her, "You rotten little—"

"THIEF!" Link joined in, "I learned in a previous life that stealing a 900 rupee bow is dishonest!"

"Oh! That's right! You're still here!" Shopkeeper said, "That means you can pay for it!"

Link looked at his wallet, and then looked at the door, "Uhhh… Hey, wait up, Thief!"

"HEY!"

Link bolted out the door and soon found himself running along side Navi. Together they ran into the chamber where the King Zora sat, and ran through the opening that had been opened behind him.
________________________________________________________________________

Link then found himself at a large body of water, and a large platform in front. The Zora's Fountain, Link would find out later. Unfortunately, this platform could not be used for viewing the scenery or to go fishing since there was a gigantic whale-like creature that had closed his lower jaw on the edge of the platform. Fortunately, Link was not one for viewing scenery. Link hopped into the body of water, for the boy was now getting used to the idea of getting unnecessarily wet. Behind the monster of a fish there were a couple of islands attached to the Cliffside, one of which had explode-able looking rocks. And since a certain side-kick's destructive tendencies kicked in, Link was then forced to blow open the rock and go through the pathway behind it.
________________________________________________________________________

Through the hole, our heroes found themselves in a familiar looking setting… There was a large fountain of water, and a Triforce symbol on the ground.

"Oh great," Navi sighed, "Not another one of these."

"Now, now, Thief, just because the first two were almost naked, maybe this one will be different."

"Link, I very much doubt that," Navi said, "And stop calling me thief."

Link muttered "…Racist…" under his breath.

Link played Zelda's Lullaby on the Triforce symbol. Instantly, a large woman, who looked identical to the other two, rose up out of the fountain. Link covered his eyes.

"Welcome Link! I am the Great Fairy of Magic!" the 'Great Fairy' told Link.

"OH, FARORE!" Link yelled, "Not again!"

"Wow, two sluts of women in one chapter?" Navi asked, "You really are unlucky, Link."

"……I will give you a magic spell. Please take it, you ungrateful child," the 'Great Fairy' said.

DUN UN UN UNN! Link received Farore's Wind! A green diamond that resembles Din's Fire, only it teleports you places instead of doing damage…and doesn't do as good a job as it sounds…

"Remember, you can use Farore's Wind only in dungeons that have a dungeon map hidden inside, okay?" the slut of a fairy winked.

"No, it's not okay! This is a lame item!" Link threw Farore's Wind to the ground, "It can only teleport me in dungeons?!"

"No, it is not lame!" the 'Great Fairy' slut protested, "It is very useful when you save, turn off the power, and want to teleport to the room you were previously in!"

"I suppose that is useful in a way…" Navi pondered, "However, it would be much better if Link randomly woke up in Kokiri Village, and then could instantly warp to Hyrule Castle."

"Yeah! See!" Link exclaimed, "Wait, Thief, what do you mean by 'saving' and 'turning off the power'? Power to what?"

Navi paused, "I have no clue."

"Whatever," Link turned to the 'Great Fairy', "I bet that, out of all the fairies, you're the lamest!"

"Hmph! I take offence to that!" the 'Great Fairy' muttered, "Ungrateful child."

"Honestly!" Navi put her hands on her hips, "Would it kill you to put a shirt on?"

"No, not necessarily," the Slut of a Fairy said, "But frankly, we Great Fairies take pride in how little we dress in without changing the rating of this game."

"…We did not need to know that…" Navi slapped her forehead.

"…When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me," the 'Great Fairy' winked at Link.

"NOOOO!" Link yelled, "Don't look at me! Though I can't see you, I can still feel you looking at me!"

However, Links screams were in vain since the 'Great Fairy' had already began to shrink away. Link, upon noticing this, exited the fountain.
________________________________________________________________________

Link decided it would be a good idea to stand in front of the gigantic whale-like creature. And that was precisely what he did. Link took the fish in the bottle from Navi.

"Link, what are you doing?" Navi asked.

"Maybe if we drop this fish in front of Jabu-Jabu, then he'll eat us up, like he did the Princess Rito," Link uncorked the bottle.

"It's Ruto, Link," Navi said, "And besides, that's not such a good idea. I don't know about you, but being digested was not on my list of things to do today."

Link loosely recorked the bottle, "Look, Thief, in order to save the princess, I'm pretty sure that the game designers intended us to jump inside, and also, we have nothing else to do with this stolen fish. So, at the very least, we'll be continuing story mode, disposing of the stolen goods, and promoting cannibalism. What more could you want?"

Navi sighed, "Link, are you sure that Jabu-Jabu wouldn't just open his mouth for us if that is what the game designers want us to do?"

"Nope!"

Link pulled out his sword, and started slashing about wildly onto Lord Jabu-Jabu's lips. Even as Link slashed, they remained shut. Link then turned around to face Navi, ignoring the blood trickling down the cracks in Jabu-Jabu's lips.

"We're in a Legend of Zelda game, Thief!" Link said, "Things are never that straight forward!"

"Alright then, fine," Navi said, "Just hurry it up before the Zoras come out and see what you just did to him. And stop calling me Thief."

Link opened the bottle and dumped the fish on the ground in front of the gigantic fish. As it flopped about, Jabu-Jabu blinked, opened his mouth wide, and started sucking everything nearby inside. The fish went flying forward, and Link and Navi soon followed.
________________________________________________________________________

After zipping through the air, Link landed squarely in the middle of Lord Jabu-Jabu's tongue, with Navi falling a few feet behind him. Link sat up, and looked at his hands—covered with saliva. Link shook his hands wildly and stood up.

"Uhhh…" Navi flew up wearily, "What happened?"

Link wiped his hands on his tunic, "Hit me if I think of another stupid idea like that again, Thief."

"With pleasure, Idiot," Navi smiled.

"Oh, gross," Link pinched his nose, "Jabu Jabu's breath stinks…"

"Link, let's get going," Navi dodged a drop a saliva that fell from the roof of Jabu-Jabu's mouth, "It'd be a pain to stay here longer than we have to."

"That's easy for you to say… you don't have to walk around on this stuff!" Link said.

Link lifted up his foot. The bottom of his boot was covered with the clear ooze, and made a squelching sound as he lifted it.

"Who's idea was this?" Navi asked, "The exit is over there."

Navi pointed to the closed jaws of Jabu-Jabu. His sharp teeth dripped clear ooze by the bucket.

"Fine, fine," Link groaned, "I'm going."

Link proceeded through the throat, evaded the stomach, and ended up in one of Jabu-Jabu's lungs. There were several jellyfish monsters, which for some reason, could shoot off electricity. Link evaded these, and found a small Zora person. It looked different from the other Zora in that it had a head in the shape of a hammerhead shark, but besides that, was pretty similar to the others. Link ran up to it, and could determine that it was indeed female, mainly due to the pitch of her voice.

"You!" the Zora girl said.

"Who, me?" Link blinked.

"Yes, you!" the girl said.

"Whaddya want?" Link said.

"Who are you!?"

"I'm Link, the first Kokiri to wander outside the forest and live!" Link exclaimed, "And this is Thief! She stole a fish! Pleased to meet ya!"

"Actually, my name is Navi."

"Sure, whatever, Thief."

"I am Ruto, Princess of the Zoras," the Zora girl said.

"Oh, you're Ruto? This is great!" Link grinned, "Sure, she might not be in the first castle, or the first room, but she's pretty close to the entrance!"

Navi rolled her eyes, "The King Zora was looking for you."

"What?!" Ruto exclaimed, "Are you saying my father asked you to come here and save me?"

"Pretty much," Link said.

"Wait, we never said that!" Navi exclaimed.

"It was extremely obvious," Ruto crossed her arms, "After all, that's all he was thinking about!"

"No he wasn't!" Navi exclaimed, "Tell her, Link!"

"Actually…." Link bit his lip.

Ruto ignored this, "I'd never ask anyone to do such a thing! Save me…honestly!!"

"Oh!" Link flung his arms behind his head, "A princess who doesn't want to be saved! That makes things even easier!"

"L-Link! You're not helping!" Navi turned to Ruto, "What about the letter in the bottle?!"

Ruto raised her eyebrow, "'Letter in a bottle'? I frankly have no idea what you're talking about!"

"See?" Link smirked, "Knew getting that note was pointless."

"B-but your father is worried about you!" Navi said.

"My father is worried about me? I don't care!" Ruto began looking around the room, "Anyway, I can't go home right now."

Link slouched, "You mean we have to come back later?!"

"And you…" Ruto turned to Link, "Get out of here! Understand?!"

This command took Link completely by surprise. Without thinking, he stood and saluted her.

"Yes ma'm!" Link said.

With that, Ruto turned her back on Link, and walked away from him. But because she wasn't looking at where she was going, she fell down a hole.

"Ooooh nooooooo!" was how Ruto screamed as she fell.

"Aw man," Link sighed, "It's gonna be a pain to get her back up, I just know it."

"Why are there holes in here, anyway?" Navi looked around, "What is Jabu-Jabu, a chain smoker?!"

Link sighed, and leapt down the hole. Even though she had only fallen a few seconds before, she was already walking towards what looked like a door.

Ruto turned around, "Are you still hanging around here?!"

"Yeah," Link shrugged, "Pretty much."

"I told you to go away!" Ruto snapped.

"But you just fell down a six meter hole!" Link exclaimed.

Link flung his arms up to the hole from where they had fallen. Sure enough, if it weren't Legend of Zelda, that jump would have been fatal.

Navi turned to Link, "So did you…"

"I'm okay," Ruto's cheeks turned a different colour, "I've been going inside Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly since I was little, but…Lord Jabu-Jabu is very strange today…"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait," Link said, "You've been in here before!? Out of your own free will?!"

"Yes, is it so impossible to believe?" Ruto huffed.

"Dude!" Link exclaimed, "You have got to be the first princess who has gotten herself kidnapped because you wanted to!!"

"For the last time, I'm not kidnapped!" Ruto exclaimed.

"What is with Hyrule and it's crazy princesses!?" Navi asked.

"Ignore her," Link lowered his voice, "Thief's got a bit of a princess phobia. Which is understandable considering first princess we met was…welll……."

Ruto looked at Link for a few minutes, and then turned away from him, "Don't compare me to her!"

Link blinked "…Huuuuuhhhhh…?"

"First the electrified jellyfish and strange holes around…" Ruto muttered, "Then two idiots who think the most atrocious things…!"

"Link, stop calling me Thief already! And another thing!" Navi turned to Ruto, "Don't compare you to who!?"

"On top of that, my precious stone was…but…that's none of your business!" Ruto huffed, "Anyway… You! Go home now! Understand?!"

"She sure likes bossing me around, doesn't she?" Link asked.

"Daaaww," Navi cooed, "Someone's playing hard to get…"

"Shut up!" Link glared at the fairy, "Anyway, Ruto, are you sure you'd like to stick around here?"

"Are you that worried about me?" Ruto blushed.

Link paused, "Well, I wouldn't want to stay here myself."

A huge drop of some mysterious ooze landed beside Link. There was a loud splash.

"Then I will give you the honor of carrying me," Ruto nodded, "However…I won't leave until I find the thing I'm looking for. You'd better believe me!"

"Uhh, sure?" Link asked.

Ruto sat on the ground.

"Nowww…" Link looked around, "Where to go from here…"

"Hmph! Need me to do everything, do you?!" Ruto huffed, "Here!"

Ruto took out a large piece of paper and handed it to Link.

"What's this?" Link asked.

"The map!" Ruto turned her head to the side, "I found around here earlier. Take it respectfully."

"…Dude," Link said, "If you didn't make it, who did?"

"…Wait," Navi paused, "This means that somebody else came in here out of their own free will before you, and made a MAP of the place?!"

Link picked up Ruto, and held her on his head.

"Well, you can't say Lord Jabu-Jabu's internal anatomy is particularly normal, can you?" Ruto said.

Navi grabbed Link's map and saw the odd twisting and turning systems drawn out on it.

"No, I guess not," Navi said.
________________________________________________________________________

If, in the off situation, Link lost Ruto in a room, or left her behind at any time, Link had to go back to the previous room, and retrieve her. This sometimes means jumping down that hole again to get her. In this off situation, she would say the following…

"How inconsiderate! How could you leave me behind?!" Ruto screamed.

Link paused, "……I'm not even sure how I did it myself…"

"If you're a man, act like one!" Ruto yelled, "Take responsibility!"

"Ruto, I've already tried," Navi said, "No matter how many times we mysteriously lose you, Link will never man up, or take responsibility."

"Hey!" Link said.

"Never?" Ruto glared at he fairy, "Would you still say the same thing in seven years?"

Navi looked at Link, "…Yeah, pretty much."

"HEY!" Link exclaimed.

Ruto sat down, and Link carried her off again.
________________________________________________________________________

Throughout Link's trek, he discovered that Ruto have many useful purposes. This included using her weight to step on switches, throwing her at switches on the ceiling, and even tossing her at various enemies to instantly kill them. Since Link was such a gentleman. After a great deal of monster slaying, Link and Ruto found themselves in a room with a raised platform. And though Link couldn't see it himself, he could tell that whatever Ruto was looking for was on top of it, since she started flailing about merrily.

"Link! Link! Up there!" Ruto exclaimed, "Throw me up there! On that ledge!"

"Ow, ow, ow," Link's face became acquainted with Ruto's heels, "Okay, okay! Just stop kicking me for a second!"

Link threw the Princess onto the platform, and DUH DU DUH NUH NU, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH!!! Princess Ruto got the Spiritual Stone! But why Princess Ruto…?

"Oh my goodness! I finally found…my mother's stone…" Ruto fixed her gaze on this stone, "I got very upset when Lord Jabu Jabu swallowed it…"

"…By the looks of things," Link said, looking at Ruto, "that wasn't the only thing he swallowed…"

"While I was feeding him, he suddenly swallowed me! I was so surprised I dropped it inside…" Ruto sighed.

"Now, what's the moral of this story?" Navi asked, "Never keep a precious stone in hand while you're feeding gigantic animals. That way you save Link and I a lot of time!"

Link sighed and rolled his eyes. Suddenly Ruto snapped her head around and glared at the boy.

"Take that back!" Ruto yelled.

Navi raised her eyebrow, "Take what back?"

"Not you, him!" Ruto pointed at Link, "Take back that comment about how stupid you think I am, and how stupid you think Lord Jabu-Jabu is, and how stupid you think it is how you have to do all of the work in this country—!"

"Wait, what?" Navi asked.

Link raised his eyebrow, "Can you read my mind or something?"

"Actually…" Ruto trailed off.

"Waaaaiiiittttt…." Link paused, "You CAN?!"

"I never said I couldn't."

"B-but why me?!" Link stuttered, "Out of all the people in Hyrule, why am I—"

"Oh, it's not just you," Ruto replied, "I can read hers too, but they've mostly been overly sarcastic remarks about your stupidity."

Link turned to the fairy, "…Navi!!"

"Oh, you've finally called me by my name," Navi smirked, "Anyway, how can you—"

There was a pause, "No, it does not have anything to do with the shape of my head!" Ruto growled, "Our magicians have no explanation for it, as of yet. However, they theorize that I have some sort of extra section on my brain that allows my mind to surpass physical barriers that others usually find, and that I have other abilities that I am slowly awakening over time…"

Link leaned forward, "Well, excuuuuuuse me, prin—"

"No! No! Stop right there!" Navi said, "You've done that joke one too many times in your previous life, and you are not going to do it here!"

"Fine," Link muttered, "Say… Do you think that this series will have a joke as annoying and as overused as that one?"

"I have no clue," Navi sighed.

"…But, now that I've found it," Ruto said, "I don't need to be here anymore! So, take me home, right now!"

"Then hop back down here," Link huffed, "I can't reach you when you're up there."

Link took a few steps toward her highness, and she did the same. But, before either of them could get close to the other, the raised platform Ruto stood on rose up into a hole in the ceiling.

"Keeeeeyaaaaaaahhhh! What is this? A giant Octopus?" Ruto's screams could be heard from below.

"Hmmm," Link put his hands on his hips and looked at the source of the sound, "You think we were being too loud?"

Navi raised her eyebrow, "Wow, Jabu-Jabu's body really does have weird anatomy, doesn't it?"

The platform suddenly lowered itself again, and revealed a gigantic octopus on top of it. Suddenly, the octopus hopped from the ledge, and began going around the edge of the platform. Fortunately, Link defeated this mini-boss with relative ease, and used its remains for a quick dish of 'Salt and Pepper Squid'. Well, it was supposed to be a quick meal, except for that it was an extremely large octopus, our heroes had to search for said salt and pepper, and this was the boy's first meal since his journey began.
________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, after his tasty meal, Link continued through Jabu-Jabu's insides, found the real boss, and defeated it. After his battle, he grabbed his heartpiece, and he saw a familiar blue light. Link noticed that Ruto was sitting—on nothing—in this light. Link stepped inside.

"You… You're late!" Ruto said.

Link blinked, "I was on a time limit?"

"What took you so long?" Ruto said.

"Weelllll… First, you know that octopus that kidnapped you? Yeah, he was good, nice and juicy. Real tasty… Ahem, then we—" Link replied.

"I think she gets the point, Link…" Navi said.

"You're useless!" Ruto turned her head away from the boy.

"Hey," Link said, "I wasn't the one who got kidnapped."

"I never got kidnapped!" Ruto exclaimed.

"Wait… Why would you care whether or not Link was late or not?" Navi asked, "Do I sense a crush?"

"Navi!" Link snapped.

Ruto blushed, "I-I was just lonely, that's all… Just a little!!"

So after Ruto made herself clear, a little too clear, Link and Ruto warped outside using the portal.
________________________________________________________________________

Before he knew it, Link stood on a fallen over tree, outside of Lord Jabu Jabu's insides. But, of course, the camera crew decided to zoom in on Link's face. The camera zoomed out slightly, and showed that Ruto's face was only a couple of inches away from his. As it would appear, Ruto had full intention of kissing the Kokiri boy. Fortunately for him, Link's foot was planted on a rotten patch on the wood, and it had just given way. Link promptly lost his balance, and fell into the lake. Ruto dove in after him. As Link lifted his head above the water, he noticed that Ruto was swimming close to him with a seductive expression on her face.

"You! You looked cool… Cooler than I thought you would, anyway… Just a little!" Ruto exclaimed.

"Ha!" Link exclaimed, "At least someone in this game appreciates my cool looks."

Link combed his hair back with his hand.

"Link, I doubt that anyone will ever appreciate you, no matter how many times you save princesses…" Navi said.

"Well, anyway, you saved me, so I guess I'll reward you. What do you wish? Just tell me…" Ruto smiled suggestively.

"Oh gee, what do I want?" Link looked pensively at the sky, "Well, first of all, I'd like a ground floor on my house, and I want a red carpet leading from the entrance to the forest to my house, oh and, uh, let's see…what else…"

Ruto stared blankly at the Kokiri boy.

"Oh, and I'd like my own chariot for traveling, none of this walking by foot crap… And, I'd, uh, think it'd be nice if I could get this email thing that those gigantic fairies have… Oh, and I'd also like—"

"Link!" Navi exclaimed, "She means stuff that she can get for you! How can she get you all that stuff?!"

Link paused from his list of things he wanted, "She is a princess, isn't she?"

"Let's just stick with asking for the Spiritual Stone, okay?" Navi sighed.

"You mean the Spiritual Stone of Water, Zora's Sapphire, don't you?" Ruto asked.

"Wait, it has a name?!" Link asked.

"Silence, Link. And yes, Ruto, yes, we do," Navi told Ruto.

"My mother gave it to me and said I should give it only to the man who would be my husband. You might call it the Zora's engagement ring!" Ruto explained.

"But it isn't even in the shape of a ring—Wait, HUSBAND?!" Link exclaimed.

"So, are you giving it to him, or what?" Navi asked.

"Whoa, whoa! Back up here!" Link exclaimed, "I am not ready for a packaged deal here!"

"Link, you can hardly call a twelve year old Zora a 'packaged deal'…" Navi said.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no! She is SO a packaged deal!" Link waved his finger at Navi, "Not only do I have to marry her in order to get a stinkin' stone, but once I do, I'll become KING of all the fish people!"

Ruto glared at Link, "These 'fish people' have a proper name, idiot."

"See why I always think so sarcastically about him?" Navi asked.

"Whatever! I am NOT ready for anything of the sort!" Link huffed, "So there! Tell Zelda that she'll just have to find some other guy to get the Spiritual Stone of Water!"

Oh come now, Link," Navi voice lowered as she flew close to Link's ear, "What are the chances she'll remember this after today?"

"Ah, good point," Link said, "Okay, gimme the stone, already."

Link held out his hand towards the Princess. Ruto paused.

"…I'm not sure whether this is a wise choice, but I'm willing to give you my most precious possession: Zora's Sapphire…" Ruto said.

uto flipped over onto her back, and swam away from Link. Soon, a blue glow floated above her head, and the stone fell down from above. DUH DU DUH NUH NU, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH!!! Link got the Spiritual Stone of Water! A stone in which Link used false promises to get! Remember kids, lying is good! Link looked at the waters in front of him to note that Princess Ruto had mysteriously disappeared off the screen. Suddenly, the screen turned white, and Ruto's voice could be heard on the wind…

"Don't tell my father…" Ruto's voice said.

Chapter 7
________________________________________________________________________

What would happen if Sheik had a secret obsession for the Mission Impossible theme?
Wonder no more! You'll see how even the deepest, most mysterious characters can dance to good tunes!
________________________________________________________________________

Link awoke to find himself on top of a platform in the middle of a room unlike any Link had seen before. All around him, Link could see various waterfalls falling down into what looked like a bottomless pit. He happened to be on top of a Triforce symbol on the floor, which was surrounded by some circular pedestals. He stood up and took a closer look at his surroundings. Navi was beside him, however, she was still half asleep, as far as he could tell. However, this entire time, Link had neglected to notice an old man standing before him.

"Link…" the man said to Link, "Wake up… Link, the Chosen One…"

Link spun around, saw this man, and promptly fell over backwards.

"AAAHHHHHHHH—Whoa, did my voice just drop a couple of octaves?" Link paused.

"Erm, yes, I guess to you, it did seem like your voice dropped a couple of octaves," the old man paused.

Link stood, speechless, for a couple of seconds, "Now this is weird… Anyway, just who are you?"

"I am Rauru, one of the ancient sages…" the man said.

"Well, then, Mister Rayru, in case you haven't already noticed, I already am awake," Link said, "And see, Navi is too! Isn't that right, Navi?"

Navi rolled over in her sleep, "…Just ten more minutes…"

"Okay, maybe not her as much as me," Link said, "Anyway, sure, you may be 'ancient', but isn't that a bit of an understatement?"

"What is it that you are trying to imply in that statement?" Rauru asked.

"Look at you!" Link flung out his arms at Rauru, "Look at all those lines on your face! Look at that hair! You're even worse than that one guy in market town!! How old are you, sixty?!"

"…Sixty?" Rauru blinked.

Link's jaw dropped, "Wait, seventy?!"

"What do you find so perplexing about seventy?" Rauru asked.

Link slapped his forehead, "No, no, you can't possibly be…80!!!"

Rauru sighed, "Oh that's right, I forgot that the average Humanoid Life-Span of our times is somewhere within the mid forties…"

Link's eyes widened, "Oh crap, you're even older than that, aren't you?"

"Link, Chosen One, my age does not bear any concern of what I am about to tell you," Rauru raised his voice.

Link looked at Rauru with watered eyes.

"…But if you must know, my two hundred and fifty-third birthday was last week."

Link fainted.

Navi stretched her arms, "Oh, boy, that was the best sleep in ages!"

Navi turned to the fainted Kokiri in green.

"Huh, I guess he isn't up yet," Navi pondered.

Rauru sighed, "Well, would you be so kind as to awaken him for me?"

"Pfft, that's easy," Navi smiled.

Navi began bouncing up and down on Link's body. Link twitched.

"Huh," Navi put her hands on her hips, "I thought that would have worked."

Rauru stared.

"Hmmm," Navi paused, "Maybe this will work."

Navi inhaled deeply.

"HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT!!! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT!!!" Navi yelled into Link's ears.

Link sat bolt upright, covering his ears.

"What is that UNGODDESSLY racket?!?" Link exclaimed.

Navi smirked, "Rise and shine, sleepy head."

"Now, as I was saying," Rauru said.

Link's head dropped, "No! It wasn't a nightmare!!"

Rauru glared at Link, "Pardon me?!"

"Nothing," Link said.

"Ages ago, we ancient sages built the Temple of Time to protect the entrance to the Sacred Realm…" Rauru huffed.

"Crap…" Link groaned, "More mumbo jumbo about that dang old Sacred Realm…"

"Link, if the game designers mention it this often, it usually means that it's important," Navi sighed.

"But it's boring…" Link sighed.

"This is the Chamber of Sages, inside the Temple of Light…" Rauru said, "The Temple of Light, situated in the very center of the Sacred Realm, is the last stronghold against Ganondorf's evil forces."

Link blinked, "Wait, when did he take over?"

"The Master Sword—the evil-destroying sword that you pulled out of the Pedestal of Time was the final key to the Sacred Realm," Rauru said.

"See?!" Navi hit Link's arm, "I told you we should have gone to the mall first!!"

"Aww, man…" Link groaned, "Why don't I listen to you more often?"

Rauru cleared his voice in order to get Link's attention.

"Link…don't be alarmed…look at yourself…!" Rauru exclaimed.

Link looked down at his torso, and examined his body.

"I don't see anything different—wait," Link paused, "Where'd I get this white shirt? Or these Gauntlets? Or these—Navi, what are these?"

Navi looked where Link was pointing, "Those are leggings."

"Yeah, what she said," Link said.

"Chosen One, that is not what I meant when I said look at yourself," Rauru said.

"Did you buy me clothes?" Link asked.

Rauru sighed, "That is not the point."

"…Did you put them on me too?" Link asked.

"That is not the point either."

"Seriously, sir, nothing about Link has cha—HOLY CRAP!!!!" Navi exclaimed.

Link looked around, "What?! What?! What is it?!"

"Y-Y-You're face! Look at it!!" Navi gaped.

"Wish I could," Link said, "Anyways, what's wrong with it?!"

"Look, Link," Navi sighed, "I don't know any other way to tell you this any other way… You're big now."

Link cocked his head, "Big?"

Navi groaned, "Look, you've grown up, okay?"

"Seven years older, to be precise," Rauru told Link. "I guess you're about halfway through the average lifespan, aren't you?"

"Navi?"

"Yes, Link?"

"Do I look hot?" Link asked.

"…I'm a fairy!" Navi exclaimed, "I wouldn't be able to tell!"

"But am I?"

"I dunno!"

Rauru cleared his throat once more.

"The Master Sword is a sacred blade, which evil ones may never touch…. Only ones worthy of the title of 'The Hero of Time' can pull it from the Pedestal of Time," Rauru said.

"Sweet!" Link exclaimed, "I'm like King Arthur!!"

"Link, who on Hyrule is King Arthur?" Navi asked.

"I have no clue," Link said, "But he's like me…I think…"

"However," Rauru said, "you were too young to be the Hero of Time…therefore, your spirit was sealed here for seven years."

"Wouldn't it have been easier for the Goddesses to just tell me to come back in seven years?" Link asked, "Rather than waste time and funds on keeping me asleep?"

Rauru glared at Link.

"Sorry."

"…And now that you are old enough, the time has come for you to awaken as the Hero of Time! Well, do you understand your destiny?" Rauru asked.

"Of course not," Navi said.

"Navi, I know that I just apparently slept for seven years, but besides that, what on Hyrule does the title 'Hero of Time' have anything to do with me?" Link asked, "It's not like I can control how long I sleep. I don't even own an alarm clock!"

"That's because they haven't been invented yet, Link," Navi said.

"Oh."

"But, remember… though you opened the Door of Time in the name of peace…Ganondorf, the Gerudo King of Thieves, used it to enter this forbidden Sacred Realm!" Rauru said, "He obtained the Triforce from the Temple of Light, and with its power, he became the Kind of Evil..."

"Holy crap, how in the Din's Lair is anyone going to fix that!?" Link exclaimed.

"There goes Zelda's Triforce…" Navi said.

"His evil power radiated from the Temples of Hyrule, and in seven short years, it transformed Hyrule into a world of monsters," Rauru said, "My power now only has little influence, even in this Sacred Realm…namely, this Chamber of Sages. But there is still hope…"

"HOW?!" Link yelled.

"The power of the Sages remains. When the power of all the Sages is awakened…the Sages' seals will contain all the evil power in the void of the Realm. I, Rauru, am one of the Sages…and… your power to fight together with the Sages makes you the Hero of Time!" Rauru said, "The Hero of Time, chosen by the Master Sword! Keep my spirit with you… and, find the power of the other Sages and add their might to your own!"

Rauru lifted his arms in the air and down descended a small yellow disc. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUHHH!!! Link received the Medallion of Light. Upon closer examination, one can see a faint glow.

"I still don't see how anything I do will help at all," Link said.

With that, Link was warped in to the room where Link pulled up the Master Sword, in the Temple of Time.

"Link…we're back in the Temple of Time…" Navi said.

Link asked, "But has seven years really past?"

Navi nodded, "It looks like you won't be able to use some of the weapons you found as a kid anymore…"

"Like what?" Link put his hands on his hips.

"Well, your Kokiri Shield for one thing," Navi said.

Link pulled out his shield, "What's wrong with it—…oh."

Link held up his shield. It was only slightly bigger than his face.

"Yeah, see?" Navi flew up to it, "It won't even make a suitable arm guard anymore."

Link paused, "I seemed to remember it being bigger than this…"

"No duh," Navi said.

"Okay, so it's the size of a dinner plate," Link sighed, "That still doesn't mean it won't make a good hat. Or better yet! A hat guard!"

Link put his Kokiri Shield on his hat.

"Ha ha!" Link exclaimed, "Let's see the stampeding Skulltulas take my hat now!"

Navi glared at Link, "Take that off your head before you embarrass us any further."

Link lowered the shield, "Okay fine. But what about my Slingshot?"

Link rummaged through his pockets and discovered that the slingshot he had never technically acquired had been crushed under Link's weight for seven years. Link lifted its crumbled remains out of his pocket and played with it with his fingers.

"Navi, I think I need to go on a diet," Link said.

"B-bu-but Link!" Navi exclaimed, "You haven't eaten in seven years! Heck, I haven't seen you eat since we left the forest!"

"That still doesn't mean that I shouldn't go on a diet," Link nodded.

"Link, let's keep moving," Navi sighed.

"Eh, sure," Link shrugged.

Link walked over to the opening in the Door of Time. However, instead he found an inconspicuous wall.

Link put his hands on his hips, "Hmmm, I seem to remember a door here…"

Navi raised her eyebrow, "How come it sealed itself shut?"

"Relax, Navi," Link said, "Maybe over the years, the Temple's Cleaning Staff decided to come around and actually manage the place."

"I doubt it, Link," Navi said, "The place looked like it had completely abandoned for years back when you were a shrimp," Navi looked at corner, "Is it just me, or has that cobweb gotten ten times bigger?"

Link stroked his chin, "Do you think someone stole the Stones from the Temple's Altar? After all, we needed those things in order to open this door in the first place."

"Link, you're newfound intelligence is creeping me out. Stop it," Navi said.

"But—"

"Just do manly things, like break down the door," Navi said, "And hopefully, you'll lose a few brain cells while you're at it."

"Okay!" Link exclaimed.

Link took a few steps back, and then charged towards the door. WHAM! No budge. Link ran a few more meters away, and then charged towards the Door of Time once more. WHAM! Still nothing. Link ran even farther away. Behind him, however, a mysterious figure dropped from the ceiling. Link charged for the door once more. WHHAAMM!

"Not a scratch," Link said.

Navi flew up to the top of the screen, "I think you lost a heart on that last one."

Link sighed, "Well, that didn't work. Here, let's try bombs."

The figure standing behind him cleared their throat. Link spun on the spot to gaze upon the figure behind him. In surprise, Link drew his sword—the Master Sword.

"LINK!!! Stop drawing whenever the authoress wants you to pull out your sword!" Navi yelled.

Link peeked out from his moth-eaten sketchpad, "Is that what she wants me to do?"

The figure before Link coughed loudly.

"Sorry," Link said, "Say, could you help us break the door down?"

The figure shrugged, "Hmph… Fine… I need to get more exercise anyway…"

Together, Link, Navi, and this new person took a few steps back, and charged towards the door. But like the previous three times, it did not budge.

"Owww," Link said, "I think I lost half a heart there."

"Look on the bright side, Link," Navi said, "A normal person would have dislocated their shoulder by now. You just lose hearts. Besides, you can find some more in some pots or grass."

Link shrugged, "I still think we should try explosives."

Navi sighed, "Either way, it's no use. No matter what we try, we'll never get this door down."

"I guess we can't save Hyrule after all…" Link put his hands on his hips.

"Hmm…" the figure paused, "I wonder if the door'll open again if I put those three shining stones back to that Altar thing…"

Link and Navi froze.

"What?" the figure gazed upon the heroes, "That won't work either?"

"You stole the stones on the altar?!" Link yelled.

"Yeah… I am a thief you know…" the figure seemed pleased when it said that.

"And you didn't sell them on the Black Market?!" Navi yelled.

"Tch, of course not," the figure said, "They're too shiny for any sum of money."

"If you weren't convenient to our getting out of here, I'd say you are a complete and total moron!!" Navi said.

"Remind me again why fandom hates you?" the figure growled.

"Well, whatever," Navi said, "You'd better hurry up and put them back. Link is using his sword to destroy the cobwebs."

The figure turned towards Link, and sure enough, Link was standing on his tip-toes in a corner, entwirling the Master Sword within the cobwebs.

"…I'll be right with you," the person said.

The person hopped into the ceiling, and Navi was alone with Link once more. Nothing happened. There was a sound of the Song of Time being played on the harp. The Door of Time opened. On the other side of the door was the person, shoving something into their back pocket.

"Mission accomplished," the person smiled.

"Thank you!" Navi glared at the figure.

"Navi," Link said, "Can you help me get the Skulltula-stuff off my sword?"

"Get it off yourself," Navi retorted.

Navi turned back to the person before them.

"Now what do you want?" Navi hissed.

"Um…" the person paused, "Er, hey, could you turn around for a moment?"

"You're not going to chloroform us, are you?" Navi asked.

"Just turn around!" the figure glared.

Navi turned her back to the person, and Link followed shortly after.

"Navi?" Link asked.

"Yes, Link?"

"What's chloroform?"

"I have no clue."

"You can look now," the person said.

Navi and Link spun around once more. When they did, they saw that the figure had struck a pose. Suddenly, the 'Mission Impossible' music played in the background. As the music played, the person kept changing poses to the beat and spoke in time with the music.

"I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time…" the person said.

"You have?" Link asked.

"When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be sages, who dwell in the five Temples," the figure continued.

"Where's that music coming from?" Link looked at the ceiling; Navi did the same.

"One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain… One under a vast lake… One with the House of the Dead… One inside the Goddess of the Sand…" the person told.

Navi turned to the figure, "Have you rehearsed this?"

The person was unnerved, "Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world…"

"Where did the Sound Technician get this CD? I love this music!" Navi exclaimed.
Link bobbed his head, "I gotta get this put on my iPod."

Link paused.

"…I still wanna know where that music is coming from…" Link said, "And Navi?"

"Yes Link?" Navi asked.

"What's a CD?" Link asked.

"What's an iPod?" Navi asked.

"I guess we both have no clue," Link muttered.

"…This is the Legend of the Temples passed down by my people, the Sheikahs. I am Sheik, survivor of the Sheikahs…" the person continued.

"Sheik? Where is that music coming from?" Link continued to look at the ceiling.

"Erm, well…uh… Okay! That's it! KILL THE MUSIC!" Sheik yelled at the ceiling.

The music abruptly halted, and a weak scream was heard over the loud speakers. After this happened, a man wearing glasses and headphones walked into the room from the wall. This was the Totally Messed Studio's Sound Technician and he held a blood stained knife in his hand.

Link's jaw dropped, "Where did that blood come from?"

"And who did it come from?" Navi gulped.

Sheik paused, "…George, when I said 'kill the music' I meant stop it. Not actually kill it…"

"Oh, whoops…" the Sound Technician shrugged.

The Sound Techician wiped the blood off on his shirt. He stepped back into the wall.

Sheik cleared his throat, "Ahem, now, where was I? Ah, yes. As I see you standing there, holding the mythical Master Sword, you really do look like the legendary Hero of Time…"

"I do?" Link asked.

"He does?" Navi asked.

"Yes… He does," Sheik sighed.

"Man," Link sighed, "Not only did I grow up, apparently, but I also look like the Hero of Time. …Whatever the guy looked like."

Navi smacked Link upside the head, "No, you idiot. You are the Hero of Time, remember?"

"Then how come Sheik says I look like him," Link asked, "If I look like him, then I obviously can't be him, right?"

Sheik paused, "If you believe the legend, you have no choice. You must look for the five Temples and awaken the five Sages…."

"But what if he doesn't?" Navi asked.

Sheik glared at Navi, "One Sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple. The Sage is a girl I'm sure you know… Because of the evil power in the Temple, she cannot hear the awakening call from the Sacred Realm…"

"Big deal," Link said, "Just buy her a hearing aid, and then she can go there by herself. And before you ask, Navi, I have no idea what a hearing aid is either."

Sheik rolled his eyes, "Unfortunately, equipped as you currently are, you cannot even enter the Temple…"

"Why not? It's a Temple, right? That means people worshipped there at some point. Wouldn't the general populous be able to enter whenever they wanted to?" Link paused, "Or, wait, is it one of those 'Members Only' religions?"

"Er, no," Sheik said, "It's because the stairs to the place were blown up hundreds of years ago, and nobody's bothered to replace them."

"Man," Link sighed, "We Hyrulians need to take better care of our Temples."

"Anyway, if you believe in what I am saying, you should head to Kakariko Village…" Sheik said.

"But, again, what if he doesn't believe!?" Navi exclaimed.

"The Mask Salesman said I should," Link piped up.

"Shut up, Link," Navi said.

"Do you understand, Link?" Sheik said.

"Yep!" Link exclaimed.

"Link, will you stop listening to people who ignore me?" Navi hissed.

"To save the forest girl, you need another skill… Head to Kakariko Village!" Sheik exclaimed.

Sheik threw a Deku Nut at Link's feet. When Sheik's Deku Nut slammed against the ground, there was a light so blinding that Link couldn't see for a few minutes.

"But I'm wondering…" Navi's body jolted again, "Should we believe what Sheik said and go to Kakariko Village?"

"Ummm… I don't see why not," Link paused, "Or wait… Was that another one of those 'Up Button Command' induced spit-out-obvious-nonsense moments?"

"Well, yes it was, but I still don't like Sheik." Navi said, "Anyway, I don't know why the authoress makes me say those idiotic lines! It's as if you couldn't do it yourself!"

"Yeah!" Link exclaimed, "The nerve!"

"No wait… I take that back," Navi said, "You probably wouldn't be able to do anything without me…"

"Oh thanks, Navi…" Link muttered, "And I'm the one who is supposed to be the hero. And even if I'm not as smart as you, at least I now have a big, strong, grown-up body to save Hyrule with!"

Link flexed his arm but none of his muscles appeared.

"Why won't it work?" Link asked.

"Who knows?" Navi said, "All I know is that you have a Sage to get hearing aids for. And we can probably buy those at the mall. Now, come on!"

Navi flew out of the Temple.

"Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in seven years…" Link muttered, "Or exercised…"

"Link, will you stop being smart!" Navi called out behind her, "It's freaky!"

Link followed Navi out of the Temple.
________________________________________________________________________

Link ran outside the Temple of Time, but only to see Navi frozen on the spot. Link walked up to her, and looked to see what she was gaping at. All he saw was an empty lot beside the Temple.

Link looked at Navi, then at empty lot, "Why are you looking at nothing?"

"W-w-w-we-we-well that's just it!!" Navi shrieked, "There's n-n-n-no-no-nothing t-th-th-there!!!"

Link paused, "I see?"

"Link!!!" Navi grabbed onto his collar and shook him, "Seven years ago, th-the-the…THE—"

"The what?"

"THIS WAS WHERE THE SHOPPING MALL STOOD!!!" Navi screamed, "RIGHT HERE!!! AND NOW THERE'S NOTHING BUT RUBBLE!!!"

"Oh yeah," Link paused, "I guess there was a shopping center here."

Navi pulled Link closer, "What are we going to DO?! Now all the money I inherited from the Great Deku Tree is WASTED!!!"

Link scratched his head, "Well, that Rauru guy mentioned something about Ganondorf taking over Hyrule and all."

Navi shook Link more, "BUT WHY WOULD HE DESTROY THE-THE-THE MALL!?!?"

"Maybe they didn't have underwear in his size?" Link asked.

"Ohhhh…" Navi growled, "That is it. No more Missus NICE FAIRY!!!"

Navi flew up to Link's nose.

"Link! You have GOT TO make sure that this guy DIES!!!" Navi snarled, "And when you kill him, you've got to cut his body into a million pieces, sell the pieces on eBay, kill everyone who bought the pieces, burn all of their remains, and then throw Ganondorf's ashes into Zelda's drinking water supply!!!"

"Why Zelda's?" Link asked.

"Because NONE of this would have happened if she hadn't stolen his jewel!!!" Navi yelled.

"I helped her with that," Link pointed out.

Navi glared at Link, "Just be glad that I LIKE you."

Link paused, "You like me?"

Navi flew into Link's hat and swore to herself. Link exited the area.
________________________________________________________________________

Link thoroughly explored the Town Square. Half of the buildings were either torn down, or were nothing but heaps of rubble. The square was riddled with Re-deads, and Link barely made it out of there alive. Link caught his breath by the drawbridge, and then headed into the guardhouse there.

"Link, what are you doing?" Navi asked.

Link closed the door behind him, "Navi, not only do I have to go and find some pottery to heal my wounds, but I also want to find a washroom, since I haven't gone in seven years."

"Huh," Navi paused, "I wonder why your bladder hasn't exploded by now."

"Navi, what's a bladder—oh hey!" something caught Link's eye, "There's someone else in here!"

Navi turned around to see a hooded figure. It sat upon a bed that had been chained to the far wall. A dark and grimy cage that had been bolted to the wall overhead this man, withheld many different flames. Each flame burned a different colour, and each wore a different facial expression. Navi assumed that these were souls of various different unfortunate beings.

A pair of pale, skeletal legs hung idly from the wooden bed frame. His tattered and blotched shorts and cloak seemed to fit well with his wooden, thin staff.
A few of the souls began to scatter, and dance around the ceiling. The figure quickly snapped his wrist and banged the frame of the cage. The souls quickly retreated back to their place.

The hooded figure wore a Keaton mask.

"Oh," Navi said.

Link raised his eyebrow, "What?"

"He probably heard everything we've just said."

Link paused, "That's awkward."

"Well, well, well…" the figure adjusted his grip on his staff, "What a familiar face…"

Link pointed at his nose, "You know me?"

The figure cracked its neck, "It took me a moment to recognize you, boy… But it's more or less the small one with you who I remember vividly…"

Link turned to Navi, "You know this guy, Navi?"

Navi was speechless. The hooded figure removed the Keaton mask, revealing a single, red, glowing eye. The figure took the mask, bowed slightly, and held the mask over his heart.

"Mademoiselle," the figure said.

Link looked at Navi and looked back at the figure. Link's face fell as the life drained out of his face.

"Mademoiselle Fairy," the figure pointed to the left of him, "the nearest washroom is around the corner."

"Oh!" Navi perked up, "Thank you! Link, wasn't that nice of him?"

Link's knees knocked.

"Link, say thank you."

Link lifted up a trembling hand, "Th-th-th-th-th-thank y-y-y-yo-yo-you……"

"Don't worry about it…" the figure looked over at Navi, "After all, we had an arrangement…"

Navi was speechless once more, as Link got up the courage to walk past the hooded figure…whatever it was… and into the indicated washroom.  As soon as Link re-entered the room, he grabbed Navi, and zipped out the door.

"Navi!" Link exclaimed, "See what happens to guys who deal in the Black Market!!"

"They become cyclopses?" Navi asked.

"They keep peoples' souls!" Link shuddered, "Promise me, Navi, that you'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever meddle with the Black Market again!"

"But he told you where the washroom wa—"

"Ever!"

"Okay, fine," Navi shivered, "The selling of souls did kind of creep me out."

Link's jaw dropped, "He what?"

"Yeah, he told me while you were…relieving yourself," Navi said, "But it's hard to believe that there's a market for them."

The life drained out of Link's face again, "C-c-ca-can-can we go to Karaoke Village now?"

"Yeah, let's do that," Navi sighed.
________________________________________________________________________

Link bolted across Hyrule Field and entered Kakariko Village. Upon entering, he wanted to finish the Cucco-Sidequest he never finished as a kid. However, to his despair, the Cucco Lady finally managed to keep her Cuccos in their pen. Link then wandered into the Graveyard to drown his sorrows by looking at the tombstones. Link stood in front of a grave on the far left. Link deliberately stepped on the flowers in front of it.

"I wonder who this was," Link sighed.

"Can't you read?" Navi asked.

Link gave Navi an unimpressed look.

"…Dumb question," Navi said, "It says that it belonged to Dampé the Expert Ballet Dancer and Gravekeeper."

"I see…" Link sighed, "An odd combination of occupations."

"I guess Dampé the dancer died…" Navi said.

"Who's Dampé?" Link asked.

Navi paused, "He was—Um… I'm not sure…"

"Hmm…" Link paused, "It seems that you aren't all-knowing like I thought you were seven years ago."

"Oh shut up. Oh, I've got an idea!" Navi exclaimed, "Let's dig up the grave to see what Dampé looked like!"

Navi pulled on the back of the grave. It slid backward, and revealed a small, square hole. Link and Navi stared down the hole.

"Dude, aren't the graves supposed to be more, you know, rectangular like?" Link made a small diagram with his hands.

"Hmm…" Navi paused, "Maybe they cremated him."

Link looked around, "Good thing Dampé was the Gravekeeper. Doesn't look like anyone's replaced him."

Navi flew closer to the hole, "Hmm, my glow doesn't go very far down… This is deeper than I thought."

"And?"

"Maybe the funeral procession jumped one by one down this hole, and buried him down there!" Navi exclaimed, "Come on, let's go!!"

"Now that just sounds silly," Link said, "Wai—WHAAA!"

Navi pushed Link forward, and Link promptly lost his balance. He fell feet first into the hole. Sure enough, there was a large room beneath the grave. Link and Navi looked around before they saw an ugly man with a scary face, wearing a tutu overtop of his brown potato sack of an outfit. The man was hovering above the ground and a small Halo floated above his head.

"Heh heh heh, young man! Are you fast on your feet?" the man, presumably Dampé, asked.

"AHHHHH! The ghost spoke!" Link yelled.

"Looks like they didn't cremate him," Navi said, "Well, now we know what he looks like. Link, let's go."

Link and Navi turned to the portal to the ground above.

"Wait! I may not look like it, but I'm confident in my speed and my dancing! Let's have a competition!" Dampé exclaimed, twirling around.

"In dancing or in racing?" Link asked.

"Both~" Dampé hummed, "Follow me if you dare!"

Navi sniffed the air, "Is it just me, or does something around here reek?"

A door, which Link thought was a wall, opened up behind Dampé. Dampé floated through the opening, and twirled while doing so. Link followed him. And, after a series of long, confusing pathways littered with monsters, Link followed Dampé to the end of this crypt.

"The time of this dance was 15:00 minutes!!" Dampé exclaimed.

"Really? It felt longer than that," Navi said.

"So…many…catacombs!!" Link wheezed.

"Hehehe, young man…you were very quick to be able to keep up with my dancing! Hehehe!" Dampé grinned.

"I was?" Link asked.

"He was?" Navi asked.

"As a reward, I am going to give you my treasure," Dampé said, "It's called the hookshot! Its spring-loaded chain will pull you to any spot where its hook sticks. Doesn't that sound cool?"

"Not…really…" Link paused, "You made me race you for something like that? That's just inconvenient!"

"Not like we have anything better to do," Navi grumbled, "Stupid Ganondorf, taking out the mall and all."

"I'm sure it will help you all the same!" Dampé smiled, "I live here now, so come back again some time."

"Live is not quite the word I'd use for you're current situation," Navi said, "Considering that you, you know, are buried here?"

"I'll give you something cool!" Dampé said.

"Cooler than this time?" Link's face lit up.

"No, just a Heart Piece."

"Ohhh…" Link said.

"Did I mention that something around here still reeks?" Navi asked.

"One more thing…" Dampé said.

"What is it now?" Link sighed.

"Your attitude, your looks, your style!" Dampé examined Link from head to toe, "If you wanted to be, I'd say you'd be the World's Best Break Dancer!"

"I do?" Link asked.

"I'm a pro, sonny," Dampé said, "After a while, you can just tell who has got the talent."

Link flipped his hair, "Well, I do have great abs."

"But Link!" Navi bobbed up and down, "You haven't exercised in seven years!"

"Be careful on your way back, my budding break-dancing student! Heheheheh…" Dampé chuckled.

"Odd…" Navi paused.

"Well, it's not everyday an undead, professional dancer and gravekeeper tells you that you have talent," Link's face was absorbed by his smug expression.

"Say…" Navi looked at a pathway in front of them, "The path leads off somewhere… Let's go check it out."

Link grinned, "Oh come on, Navi. Admit it. You're jealous."

"No I am not!" Navi said, "Come on, the only way we can go is this way, since Dampé sealed the door we just came from, behind us!"

"Huh…" Link looked at the sealed door, "I knew there was a door there before."

"…Link!" Navi said.

"And what about that old, molding chest over there?" Link asked.

Link pointed to a large chest in the corner. It looked like it had been there for ages, due to it's copious amounts of cobwebs and the fact that it was molding in one corner.

"That' probably where the Hookshot Dampé was talking about is kept…" Navi said, "Maybe that's what reeks."

"I think Sheik's extremely unsubtle hint was telling me to get this," Link said.

Link opened the chest and DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Hookshot! A small, spring loaded item that allows you to cling onto specific objects in the game. And let me tell you, when I say specific, I mean VERY specific.

"Hey! Cool!" Link said, "This looks better than I thought it would be! Let's try it out!"

Link fit the Hootshot in his hand, and aimed it in front of him. It shot out a meter before it started to fall to the ground, and retracted.

"…I guess I'll just have to stand real close to anything I want this to stick to," Link said.

"Link…" Navi wheezed, "Close that stinky chest! I think I'm turning green."

Link looked at the chest, then plugged his nose, "Aiya! What else is in there that smells so bad?!"

Link slammed the chest shut. Navi gasped for air, however one of the tormenting stentches lingered on. Navi flew away from Link in an attempt to get a breath of fresh air, but then discovered something…

"Navi! Don't go!" Link yelled.

"Sorry, Link, but I think you need some really powerful deodorant," Navi said.

"No, that can't be true!" Link said, "Plus, neither you or I have any clue what deodorant is because it won't be invented for few more hundred years!"

"True, but something on you stinks!" Navi said.

"Hmph!" Link ran down the path.

In the next room, there was a large blue block with a symbol Link had briefly seen in the Temple of Time.

"What's this?" Link asked.

"Wait… This has the same symbol as the Door of Time! Play the song of time to get rid of it!" Navi said.

"And you know this how?" Link asked.

Navi shrugged, "Well, if you could read then you'd be able to tell see that somebody spray painted what I just told you on the front of the block."

Sure enough, there was large, red, spray painted words graffitied all over the block.

Link shook his head, "Stupid vandals…"

Link played Song of Time. Suddenly a blue light from above engulfed the block in front of him, and the block vanished from sight.

Link gasped, "Aliens!!"
________________________________________________________________________

Link continued to walk down the path, and he ended up in strange area with an axle circling around in the center. Link managed to stumble into this place from the second floor, and hopped down. Link looked around, and saw a man, playing a music box. His eyes were bloodshot.

"Okay, Link, I know this whole idea of de-stinking yourself regularly is new to you, but seriously, that stench is either something on you, or your armpits," Navi said.

Link crossed his arms, "Well, excuuuuuuuuu—"

Navi glared at Link, "I told you not to say that!"

"Erm, hey there, Mister Dude Guy Person!" Link waved to the music box man.

"Grrrrrrrrr! I'll never forget what happened that day, seven years ago!" the music man growled.

"Hey, seven years? That's about the time I—" Link started.

"Quiet, Link," Navi said, "You do not want to arouse suspicion."

"But I haven't done anything to him!" Link exclaimed, "I've never seen him before now!"

"Grrrrrrrrr! It's all that ocarina kid's fault!" the man said.

"Hey, I have an ocarina—" Link began to pull out his Ocarina, but Navi glared at him so he shut up.

"Next time here comes around here, I'm going to mess him up!" the man threatened.

"Nope, sir, no siree," Link avoided the man's gaze, "I don't have an Ocarina, nope, not at all."

The Ocarina of Time fell out of Link's pocket and clattered to the ground.

"What?!" the music man glared at the Ocarina, "You've got an ocarina!! What the heck!"

"Erm, no, not at all!" Link stuffed the Ocarina in his shirt, "This one is, um, hers!"

"Hey!" Navi said.

"That reminds me of the time, seven years ago! Back then a mean kid came here and played a strange song. It messed up this windmill!" the music man said. "I'll never forget this song!"

The music man played a few notes, Link repeated and… DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned the Song of Storms!
________________________________________________________________________

The camera showed outside, and zoomed in on Kakariko's windmill. The inside of the windmill was apparently the mysterious room our heroes were inside. As clouds thicken overhead, the windmill began the spin faster and faster around.
________________________________________________________________________

The camera suddenly showed back inside the windmill, and how the axle in the middle of the room was also going double speed. For some reason, it was also raining and thundering inside as it was outside, despite the obvious roof.

"Holy crap!" Navi peeked her head through the door, "Ooo! Look! It's raining outside!"

Link looked at his Ocarina and chuckled, "I am soo trying this at home."

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again!! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!"

"…Umm…" Link paused, "As far as I can recall, this is the first time I've ever played this song…"

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again!! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!"

"But I've only played it once!!" Link exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again!! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!"

"I don't think he can hear you," Navi said, "Come on, let's go."

Link walked to the door—this in itself took quite a bit of coordination, and it took Link several times before he actually landed in the part of land that had the door on it.
________________________________________________________________________

When Link walked outside, the Cucco lady from before ran up to Link.

"I bred a need type of miniature cucco! I call it the Pocket Cucco!" pride radiated off the Cucco Lady's face, "I don't get goose bumps from this baby."

"That's nice?" Link asked.

"I'm not sure what to say…" Navi paused, "A woman who is obsessed with chickens just randomly ran up to us and said she doesn't get hives from them anymore. That qualifies as way too much information."

"Cuccos are very good at getting lazy, late-risers out of bed," the Cucco Lady asked, "Haven't you heard of them before?"

"No, but I've incubated an egg once…" Link said, "Whatever 'incubate' means…"

"It makes them very happy to crow: 'CUCCKOOOO!' especially when it wakes up a heavy sleeper!" the Cucco Lady smiled.

"I see?" Navi paused, "Will you leave us alone now?"

"However, my Cucco is not entirely happy right now…" the Cucco Lady sighed, "You… You look like you're good at handling cuccos."

"I do?" Link asked.

"He does?" Navi asked.

"Now, here, take this egg," the Cucco Lady plopped an Egg into Link's hands.

"Ummmmm…" Link poked the Egg, "You said your Cucco isn't looking very happy right now…but I can't even tell."

"No, duh, Link," Navi said, "It hasn't even been born yet."

"Oh."

The Cucco Lady ran back suspiciously to guard her Cucco pen.

Navi paused, "I have a feeling that we're in a scam…"
"Oh, nonsense, Navi," Link said, "All we can possibly be in for is a long, drawn out Trading Game Side-Quest. Nothing big."

"I dunno, Link," Navi sighed, "Anyway, that terrible smell is defiantly coming from you. I don't know how or why, but it is."

Link paused, "Maybe it's because I haven't had a bath in seven years. Or my whole life, even…"

Navi twitched.
________________________________________________________________________

Link then headed off onto Hyrule Field once more. And having nothing better to do, he wandered into Lon Lon Ranch. Either that, or he got lost on his way back to the Kokiri Village. (This is why Navi should be the one carrying the maps, not Link.) He made it to Lon Lon Ranch by nightfall. In the center of the ranch's large corral, stood a thin woman with long, flowing hair. She had her back turned towards Link, since she was facing the moon. As Link drew nearer, he could hear her faint singing grow louder. Link crept towards her.

"BOO!" Link shouted.

The red-headed woman turned around, paused for ten seconds, and began screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhh!" she shrieked.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Link put his hands up, "No, no, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! Okay, well, yes I did, but I didn't think you'd scream like this!!"

She blinked. She peered at our hero, and after a small pause, she spoke.

"Oh, I thought you were Mr. Ingo," the redhead said.

Navi raised an eyebrow, "In the middle of the night?"

Link put his hands on his hips, "Honestly, by the sounds of things, I'm not the only person to say 'boo' when sneaking up behind people."

There was another pause, "Please keep it a secret from Mr. Ingo that I sing this song."

"Ummm, why?" Link asked.

There was a small pause before the red headed woman began to sing again.

"That red hair, that short term memory, that slow reaction time," Navi said, "This woman has got to be—"

"Ganondorf?" Link gasped.

"No!" Navi smacked Link upside the head, "It's Malon from seven years ago!"

"Ohhhh," Link peered at Malon carefully, "I thought his eyebrows looked better than usual."

Navi face palmed.

"Shh! Hey, Malon, could you keep it down?" Link waved his hands towards her.

The redhead, Malon, paused, "You don't like this song?"

"It's not the song," Link hushed, "It's that dang horse of yours! Honestly, I don't want to get mobbed by that thing again after seven years!"

Navi sighed, "I think her name was Epona."

Malon paused once more, "Epona's real nice once you get to know her, Mr. Ingo."

"For the last time, I am not Mr. Ingo," Link said.

"Hmmm…" Malon paused, "No, I'm pretty sure you are……"

Link pointed to his face, "Does Mr. Ingo look as gorgeous as I do?"

"Link, neither you or I can tell if you look at all attractive," Navi said.

"Ummmm…" Malon paused, "I can't remember…"

Both Link and Navi gave her a blank stare.

"Now that's just sad," Navi sighed.

"Malon, doll, you can't be—" Link started.

The Ocarina of Time clattered to the ground. There was another pause.

"…Oh!" Malon exclaimed, "You have an Ocarina!"

"Erm, yeah…" Link said, "Okay, then… Can Mr. Ingo play the ocarina?"

Link took the ocarina off the ground, and played Epona's Song before Malon had a chance to try to teach it to him. After he finished, there was a very long pause.

"You…" Malon paused, "Do you know my mother's song?"

"Well, yeah," Link said, "You taught it to me a couple days ago…or I guess it would be seven years and a couples days ago."

Navi smiled, "Well, just proves that you have a better memory than her."

There was another pause, "Then that means…"

"Means?" Link raised his eyebrow.

"That you're not Mr. Ingo!" Malon said.

"………Mr. Ingo has an ocarina?" Link asked.

"Everyone really liked that song… my dad…even Mr. Ingo…" Malon started.
Link raised an eyebrow, "But I thought you told me not to tell Mr. Ingo that you sang it."

"In the middle of the night," Navi added, "All alone."

Malon appeared not to hear this, "But…since Ganondorf appeared, Mr. Ingo has changed completely. I can remember the good old days only when I sing this song."

Navi paused, "You can only remember the good old days when you sing a song that your mother taught you? Wouldn't you have negative connotations with that song, instead of positive ones?"

"Navi, let her monologue," Link said, "It's not like we haven't let everyone else do it for the past six chapters."

"Also…Epona really liked that song. Only I could tame that horse…Even Mr. Ingo had a hard time. Hee hee hee!" Malon giggled.

"Yeah, eh heh," Link chuckled nervously, "…Freaky horse… Freaky, untamed horse…"

"If Ingo had trouble taming Epona than we're up the creek," Navi said.

"Crap," Link paled.

"But," Malon finally reacted, "All you need to do to tame Epona is play Epona's song…"

"Oh please, Malon. If it was that simple, than Ingo would have figured it out ages ago," Navi looked around, "Where is that creep, anyway?"

"Umm… He's in the Farmhouse, in the upstairs room. He should be asleep…" Malon blushed.

"Thank you," Navi sighed.

Link turned 'round and walked into the barn, where he found Ingo previously. After a bad encounter with a couple of the farm animals inside, Link bolted out of the building, and zipped into the one across from it. There, Link found some Cuccos. After another traumatizing experience, Link heaved his way up the stairs, and took shelter in the room there. There, Link could hear a loud snoring. He turned around to see Mr. Ingo sleeping on a bed. Link examined the room more closely and noted that all the lights were on, so Mr. Ingo was probably wasting good lamp oil.

"Man," Link put his hands on his hips, "I can't stand people who leave the lamps on all night. Not only is it wasteful, but you could also burn down your tree hut!"

"Link, lanterns don't burn down buildings fast enough," Navi said, "That's what Din's Fire is for."

Link scratched his head, "Oh yeaahh…"

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Mr. Ingo muttered.

"Wow… He's gotten uglier over the years…" Navi noted.

Link paused, "How can Malon compare him to me?"

There was a long silence.

Link bent down, "Should I poke him, like I did to Talon?"

"I don't think you should," Navi paused, "What will he think if he wakes up?"

"Hmm… You're right," Link smiled, "Let's wake him up anyways then run away!"

"Link, that's probably not such a good idea—" Navi said.

Link pulled out his sword, and lightly poked it's tip at Ingo's side. Ingo twitched.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Ingo moaned.

"…Okay…" Link paused, "What the heck?"

"Ummm… Poke him harder?" Navi asked.

Link, dissatisfied with being unable to get any decent reaction out of the middle-aged man, jabbed at him harder. To Link's surprise, the sword encountered no resistance, and went straight through Ingo. Link hastily retracted his blade, and began looking for evidence of injury. There was none. Ingo didn't move.

Link went wide-eyed, "I-I am so sorry!"

"Too late, Link," Navi said, "He's probably dead."

Ingo rolled over.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Ingo snored.

Link's eyes watered, "He's alive!"

"We'll just pretend that didn't happen, and hopefully, there won't be a lawsuit held against you," Navi said.

"But why didn't he die?" Link paused.

"Oh yeah…" Navi paused, "He's an NPC."

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link looked at Navi, "Does that mean he's just gonna continue to say the same thing over and over again like Ruto did?"

"Pretty much," Navi sighed.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link paused, "…He's like a broken record…"

"An annoying one, at that," Navi said, "By the way, Link, what's a—"

Without letting Navi finish her sentence, Link hopped up on Ingo's bed and began to jump up and down.

"Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyaaa!! Mr. Innnngoooo! Waaaakkke uupppp!!!!" Link called out.

Fun fact: Link can climb onto the bed and trample Ingo while he's asleep. Try it; it works.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link took a deep breath, "WAKEY WAKEY!!!!!!!"

Because Link hollered at the top of his lungs into Mr. Ingo's ears; Ingo became partially deaf.

"HELLO!" Link yelled once more.

Link began to step on Ingo when he bounced.

"ZZZZ*squish*ZZZZZZZZZ… S-*squish*Stop that song*squish*… I… I… mumble…*squish*…mumble…"

"Oh, Farore…" Link panted, "This guy's hard to get up."

"Imagine what his mother had to do when he was in High School!" Navi said.

Link, bored senseless and slightly exhausted, rummaged through his Pockets, and reemerged with the Pocket Cucco Egg.

"Hey!" Link held up the Pocket Cucco Egg, "That Cucco Lady with the hives said that this egg likes to wake people up!"

"I dunno, Link…" Navi paused, "I think it's gonna have to hatch first—"

"Okay, then we just have to throw this egg at him!" Link exclaimed.

Link chucked the Pocket Egg at Mr. Ingo's head. It ricocheted off his forehead, and leaving an indented bruise behind. The Pocket Egg then rolled across the floor, out the door and down the stairs. A loud cackle of panicked Cuccos erupted from downstairs.

"…Oh…wow…" Navi paused.

"That's lame!" Link huffed, "The egg didn't even work. Let's get out of here…"

Link shoved his hands in his pockets and stormed down the stairs with Navi close behind. He picked up the unharmed egg from among the startled Cuccos, and attempted to sink his teeth into it out of pure spite. He chipped a tooth.

Navi sighed, "Okay, I know that eggs supposedly have a very stable and strong structure, but this is ridiculous!"

Link walked outside, slamming the door behind him. As expected, Ingo didn't wake up.

"Wait! I got an idea! Let's egg the house!" Link exclaimed.

Link took a couple of steps back, and threw the egg at the wall with all his might. It crashed through the wall. Another loud eruption of panicked cackles came from the Cuccos. Navi flew through the hole, and came back with the egg. Link snatched the egg from her, and chucked it at a different part of the wall. Another hole splintered open. This went on for several hours. In end, all Link managed to accomplish was filling the house with egg-shaped holes. Which, as Link thought, sucked. Link pulled his ocarina and played the Sun's Song.

Link cackled, "This'll make the day come quicker and he'll only have a few hours of sleep!"

Navi sighed, "Link, I think you might be going insane from the lack of having successful plans."

Link's eyelid twitched, "Oh, on the contrary, Navi! It's everyone else in Hyrule who's going insane!"

Link erupted into a long chain of maniacal laughter.

"Link, please calm down," Navi sighed, "You're going to embarrass yourself. Actually, no. You're going to embarrass me. Which is even worse."

Link, in his semi-crazed state, wandered like a drunk through the barn door. There, Malon had somehow instantly transported herself inside. And she was carrying a bucket. Don't ask.

"Oh…a visitor! It's been a long time since we've had a visitor here…" Malon exclaimed.

"Don't you remember us?" Navi paused.

"BWAHAHA!" Link laughed, "Perfect! My plan is working!!"

There was a long pause. Minus Link's evil cackling.

"You have a plan?" Navi asked.

Link started doodling on the wall. With his finger.

"Ummm…" Malon paused, "I don't think that's normal…"

"For Link?" Navi asked, "Of course it is! Just ignore him, and continue with your monologue."

"Wait…I think I remember seeing a bright blue light saying 'That makes sense'…" Malon said.

"Ohh… I see…" Link did not stop doodling on the wall.

"Wait, what the crap does that have to do with anything!?" Navi buzzed up and down.

Malon, who looked as if she was lost in thought, suddenly turned to Link and Navi.

Malon blinked, "Where did you come from?"

Navi face-palmed.

"Oh, but my dear," Link's eyelid twitched, "Can't you tell where we came from?!"

Malon looked at the ceiling, "Well… Let's see… Since Ganondorf came, people in the Castle Town have gone, places have been ruined, and monsters are wandering everywhere. Mr. Ingo is just using the ranch to gain Ganondorf's favour… And everyone seems to be turning evil…"

There was a pause.

"Does that make us evil too?" Navi asked.

Malon appeared not to hear Navi, "But dad…he was kicked out of the ranch by Mr. Ingo… If I disobey Mr. Ingo, he will treat the horses so badly…so…there's nothing I can do…"

Navi sighed, "Well, she's the same abrupt topic switcher we knew from seven years ago."

"By the way… Where are you from?" Malon asked.

There was another long pause.

"From the Temple!" Link exclaimed.

"Link!" Navi sighed, "You know as well as I do that that technically isn't where we came from! Now, if you don't stop acting insanely—"

"Navi?" Link looked up at the roof, "Will the ceiling explode if Aliens come?"

Navi picked up a bucket from off the ground and smacked Link across the face with it.

"No! Aliens don't exist!" Navi snapped, "And, Link, if you don't stop acting like you are insane, you're going to commit all sorts of dastardly deeds. And if that happens, and you don't repent, you know what that makes you?!"

"You're priests!" Malon gasped.

Navi and Link stared at Malon. There was a long pause.

"No!" Navi snapped at Link, "It makes you just like Ganondorf—the Destroyer of Malls!"

Link hung his head, "I understand, Navi."

"Now that's better," Navi nodded, "So what do you have to say to this young thing, Link?"

Link turned to Malon.

"Malon, we'll free you from Mr. Ingo…" Link patted Malon on the shoulder.

"Come on! We have to demand that Mr. Ingo never lets Malon leave this ranch! Imagine how lost she'd be if she was ever let out!" Navi exclaimed.

"You're right, Navi!" Link gasped, "We'll have to demand that he lets her go free but never lets her leave this ranch!"

The two of them left the barn, determination on their faces.

Malon gasped, "Ganondorf was here!"
________________________________________________________________________

Link returned outside. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure in a ridiculous outfit, standing by the corral. Link determined it was Ingo since he was the only other person in the ranch besides Malon. Link snuck around, out of his view, and slowly crept up behind him. While sneaking up on him, Ingo was muttering loudly to himself, and Link heard the following…

"Did stupid Talon hafta leave his stupid daughter behind in the ranch? It was nice at first, considering I had an attractive young girl following me around to do the farmwork, but had I known about 'er odd behaviour, then I never would have kept her here!" Ingo spat onto the ground in front of him.

"BOO!" Link exclaimed.

"That stupid delayed reaction time of hers makes the whole ranch messed up!" Ingo clenched his teeth, "Because of 'er, the entire Ranch's schedule gets delayed by three hours! Every day is three hours later than the previous day! And every day we stay up three hours later than usual!"

"I said BOO!" Link said louder.

"Once I tried waken' her up at bloody four am! Four AM!" Ingo glared at Navi, who was flying in circles around his head, "But all that ever did was have 'er finally react at seven am and ask me 'whatcha wake me up at four am for?'!"

"You know," Navi said, "It's kind of sad that he's noticed me, but he hasn't noticed you yet."

"And 'den she just rolle' over and fall asleep again for another three hours!" Ingo growled, "I swear, if Ganondorf doesn't give me a raise, then I'm going back to find Talon again!"

"BOO!" Link lightly shoved Ingo.

Ingo turned around, grabbed Link's collar, and began shaking him repeatedly.

"There are some people in Kakariko spreading rumors that I cheated Talon out of the ranch, but… Don't be ridiculous!" Ingo exclaimed, "That guy Talon was weak! I, the hard-working Ingo, poured so much energy into this place!"

"Waaahhh!" Link managed to let out, "I have a feeling that this is going to be in the sequel!"

"Link, who'd want to create a sequel to this fanfic?" Navi asked.

"I don't want any strangers like you saying anything bad about me!" Mr. Ingo snapped at Link.

"But I didn't say anything!" Link told Mr. Ingo.

"Whoa," Navi said, "is that bruise on his forehead in the shape of an egg?"

Ingo let go of Link, as if he did not hear Navi's last statement.

"Listen. The Great Ganondorf recognized my obvious talents and gave the ranch to me! I will raise a fine horse and win recognition from the Great Ganondorf!" Ingo chuckled.

"I still didn't say anything!" Link said, "Okay, maybe I said 'boo', but that doesn't count!"

"Huh," Navi paused, "I wonder which horse?"

"Eh? What's that?" Ingo put his hand to his ear, "Don't mumble!"

"I SAID: 'IT DOESN'T COUNT'!" Link shouted.

"What doesn't count?" Mr. Ingo eyed Link suspiciously.

"Has he gone deaf or something?" Navi asked.

"Never you mind! Say, young man, do you want to ride one of my find horses? Pay me 10 rupees and you can ride." Ingo offered.

Link shrugged, "'Kay."

"Link!" Navi buzzed up and down, "We've been over this!"

"What was that?" Ingo held his hand up to his ear again.

"I SAID: 'OKAY'!" Link replied.

"Do you want to hear how to ride?" Ingo asked.

"Ummm…" Navi paused, "Don't you just hop on a horse's back and steer it using the reins?"

"Pardon?" Ingo asked, frowning.

"NO, WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW TO RIDE!" Navi shouted.

"Thank you so much. Heh heh!" Ingo chuckled.

"I think he didn't hear you correctly…" Link said.

"Whatever," Navi sighed.

Link entered the corral and played Epona's Song. Epona charged towards him.

"AHHH!" Link attempted to shove the pony away from him, "Why does everyone keep wanting to mob me?!"

"Because that's how this fanfic works, Link," Navi said.

Link turned around to see Ingo. Ingo looked rather puzzled since he had heard Link's outburst.

"I mean… Oh, look how fluffy her mane is!" Link patted Epona's mane nervously.

"Eh?"

Link groaned, "NEVERMIND!"

"Hey young man! Do I know you?" Ingo asked.

Link bit his lip, "Er, um…noooo…"

"Eh?" Ingo paused.

"NO," Link raised his voice, then added: "you deaf old geezer."

"Oh… I just felt as though I've seen you somewhere before… If you use Z-Targeting, you can talk to me from horseback." Ingo explained.

"Z-targeting?" Link blinked, "What in Farore's name is Z-Targeting?"

"I have no clue," Navi sighed, "Ask him."

"Are you ready to go home so soon?" Ingo asked.

"NO!" Link exclaimed, patting Epona. "WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?"

"Tsk tsk… When your time is up, I'll kick you out of here," Ingo spat on the ground.

After ten seconds…

"Hey! Times up young man! You only paid 10 rupees! You've played around long enough!" Ingo screamed.

Ingo booted Link out of the corral. Link would have paid for another round, however, he only had ten rupees from seven years ago. But, Link was a stubborn man, so he wandered around the Ranch. After breaking open several pots, and robbing them of their contents, Link walked back up to Ingo with sixty rupees in tow. Link played Epona's song once he was in the corral, and hopped on Epona before she could mob him again. Ingo watched Link with mild interest.

"You're getting better! How about a little race with me? One lap around the corral with that horse. Let's make a little wager, let's say 50 rupees," Ingo offered.

"Ooo!" Navi exclaimed, "Gambling! That's almost as good as bribing people!"

"No," Link snapped at Ingo, "I raided this farm so that I could run around the corral for a minute, so—"

"Will you quit mumbling, darn it!" Ingo snapped, stamping his foot.

Link took a deep breath, "N—"

"SURE," Navi yelled, "HE'LL RACE!"

Link glared at Navi. Soon Link found himself in a horse race with Ingo, and sure enough, Link won the race pretty easily. However, Ingo began spazzing after Link beat him.

"Sh-Shoooot!" Ingo outburst, "If the Great Ganondorf found out about this humiliation… Hey, you!! How about another race!"

"Um…" Link paused.

"Link, he's just being a sore loser," Navi said, "Just ignore him—"

"If you win… you can keep…the horse!!" Ingo exclaimed.

"Okay, never mind," Navi said.

"Wha—"

Link soon found himself in another race with Mr. Ingo. Link won once again, however, he had a bit more trouble this time. Ingo began spazzing again.

"What's up with that horse?!" Ingo screamed.

"I DUNNO," Link yelled Ingo.

"Link, why are you yelling?" Navi asked.

Link sighed, "Because this guy won't hear me if I don't."

"Don't be silly, Link."

"Is that Epona?" Ingo asked.

"Yes," Navi said.

"What?" Ingo asked.

"YES," Link hollered.

"How did you tame that wild horse right under my nose?!" Ingo demanded.

"We didn't," Navi said, "We just managed to play a song, and she came stampeding over."

"BECAUSE WE'RE NINJAS," Link yelled.

"Argh! I was going to present that horse to the Great Ganondorf…but I bet it on a race and lost!" Ingo screamed.

"Remember kids!" Navi turned to the camera, "Gambling is good!"

"Shooot!" Ingo yelled.

Ingo suddenly stopped spazzing, and walked over to some open gates.

"Hah ha hah!" Ingo cackled, "As I promised, I'll give the horse to you… However… I'll never let you leave this ranch!"

"Aw, man!" Link said, "We were supposted to convince Ingo to keep Malon in this ranch forever, not ourselves!"

"Oh please, you think this guy's serious?" Navi asked.

Link and Navi turned just in time to see Mr. Ingo close the gates. Effectively shutting them inside.

"So… Now what?" Link asked.

"Well, we could try jumping over the gates," Navi said, "After all, Epona's jumped taller stuff than this."

"True!"

Link then used Epona to charge towards the gate. However, for some reason, Link wasn't able to just jump over Ingo's head.

Link sighed, "…Stupid invisible walls…"

"Alright, if we can't get out—" Navi then pinched her nose, "Augh! I can't take it anymore! What is making you smell so bad?!"

Navi flew into Link's tunic and began rummaging through his pockets.

"Wait, what?" Link asked.

"There's something about you that stinks!" Navi grumbled, "And, I refuse to believe that you have that bad body odour. Ah ha! I think I found something."

Navi reemerged from Link's pockets with one of Link's bottles. On it was a label from Lon Lon Ranch.

"Wait… Is that the Lon Lon milk?" Link asked.

"I believe so," Navi handed Link the bottle.

Link sniffed the bottle, "Ew, this thing does smell fairly gross."

"That's probably because it's gone sour," Navi examined some fine print on the side of the bottle.

"Why do you say that?" Link asked.

"It says on the side, 'Expires: March 21, 100'… What year is it now?" Navi turned to Link.

"107," Link shrugged.

"And I read on Ingo's calendar that it's March 22. In other words, this expired over seven years ago," Navi held up the stinky bottle, "So we should probably dump it out."

"If you say so," Link shrugged.

Link uncorked the bottle. The odour that emerged from it was at least ten times worse than it was when the bottle was sealed. Link turned green, and tried to keep himself from throwing up when he saw the chucky pieces of mush within the bottle. He hastily shut the bottle.

"Ugh, this stuff is disgusting!" Link covered his mouth.

"I've got an idea," Navi said, "Let's go dump it on Ingo."

"Invisible wall, remember?" Link said.

"Right…" Navi paused.

The odour that emerged from the bottle obviously had a stunning effect on Epona, since she began hallucinating. Among her various hallucinations, Epona saw Navi as a blue carrot, and began charging in front of her. Navi, upon noting Epona's hungry look in her eye, flew toward the fence in the distance. Epona rampaged after her. Link, who was caught off guard by this, began screaming while trying to think of ways to get off of Epona without seriously injuring himself. As Navi flew over the tall fence, Epona leapt through the air with Link still on her back.

"GET ME OFF OF THIS CREATURE!" Link hollered.

"Hmm…so I guess that kid really didn't train that horse under my nose...he doesn't know anything about riding," Ingo paused, "But how the heck did I lose to an idiot who can't ride a horse?"
________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, on Hyrule Field…

"Heh, heh, heh, nice horsey…" Link chuckled nervously, "Pretty horse… Good horsey…"

Link cautiously got off of Epona. Epona began to chase after some butterflies which she hallucinated to be red carrots.

"Ha ha ha ha…" Link chuckled nervously.

"Well that was an adventure…" Navi said.

"I know," Link gulped, "It made the rest of this fanfic look like it was worth reading…"

"Link, this fanfic will never be worth reading," Navi said.

"Anyway," Link breathed heavily, "Where now?"

"We could try egging the ranch from out here," Navi said.

"I can't, the Cucco hatched when I played Sun Song," Link said.

"Link, how could you leave out an important fact like that!?" Navi exclaimed, "A bird has been born, and you don't feel like mentioning it?"

"No," Link said.

Navi sighed, "Well, since the Cucco has hatched, we might as make it happy and show it to a sleepy person…"

"Ingo?" Link asked.

"No, nitwit, he's already awake!"

"Hmm…how 'bout the sleeping man then?" Link suggested.

"You mean Talon?" Navi asked.

"Yeah, the sleeping man."

Navi sighed, "Sure… Now where is he?"

"I heard some really loud snoring coming from one of the houses in Karaoke," Link told Navi.

"I'm pretty sure it's Kakariko, Link," Navi said.

"It was pretty loud though, considering we were at the other end of the village…" Link paused, "And I think I can hear it quite well from here…"

"Link, that's not possible," Navi said.

"But you said yourself that Talon's snoring gets louder over time!" Link said.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Link, let's go!"

Link and Navi headed to Kakariko village with the egg that the random Cucco Lady gave them.
_______________________________________________________________________

Link wandered around the village, searching for Talon by going into people's houses at random. He soon entered a red brick house near the exit towards Death Mountain. Inside, he found what looked like a shop, and a burly man stood behind the counter—he did not look the sort to be easily intimidated.

"That doesn't look like Talon," Navi said, "He looks like the sort to that isn't easily intimidated."

"Well, still," Link said, "I haven't gone shopping in seven years. Besides he might be selling something cool."

Link approached the counter.

"Hello thar, big fella," the man grunted, "What can I get fer ya, today?"

"Well, let's see…" Link looked closely at the items on the shelf.

"Link, we don't have time for this," Navi said.

The big man paled.

"Of course we do!" Link said, "It's not like that person at the Forest Temple is going to get any more deaf than they actually are."

"K-K-K—" the burly man began to sweat, "K-Kind Sir! Kind Butterfly! What're ye doin' 'ere?"

"I'm not a butterfly, you buffoon!" Navi snapped.

"Of course not, miss," the man blubbered, "'Twas my mistake. You'd be a Moth. I see it now."

"I'm not a moth either!" Navi said.

"Wait…" Link pointed at the man, "I remember you."

The burly man looked like he would faint.

"K-Kind Sir, y-yer not 'ere fer…fer…" the man gulped, "…me life, are ye?"

"No, I'm not here to take yer life, I mean, your life," Link sighed.

The burly man wiped his brow with a shaky hand.

"Ye really are a kind sir, Kind Sir," the burly man said, "Yer kindness 'asn't changed over teh years."

"Now, if you're not going to sell me anything, then I'll be on my way—" Link said.

"Oh, oh, please, Kind Sir!" the man gave Link a weak smile, "Me, me wife and I were 'bout to 'ave a bite to eat, see… And, well, if yer hungry, then me wife can fix up somethin' fer ya too…"

"Actually I am kind of—" Link started.

"No, we'd best be on our way," Navi said, "Right, Link?"

Link sighed, "Yes, Navi."

"Well, best luck to ye," the man behind the counter waved, "You, Kind Sir, and you, Kind Butterfly!"

"For the last time, I am not a butterfly!" Navi said.

Link and Navi headed out the door.
________________________________________________________________________

After searching all of the houses, Link finally found Talon. Within the house where he slept, were two women, both of them wearing large, thick earmuffs. Link rummaged through his pockets, pulled out the Cucco, and made it crow at Talon. His snoring immediately stopped, and he sat bolt upright.

"What in tarnation? Can't a person get a little shut-eye around here?" Talon yelled.

"Nope!" Link smiled, "Not with me in town!"

"Did you save Malon?" Talon asked.

"Where did that come from?" Navi asked.

"Ummm…" Link bit his lip, "Yeah, I guess we kinda did…"

"Thanks! I'm going back to the ranch, then! Yeehah!" Talon exclaimed.

With that, Talon got up, ran out the door, and headed to Lon Lon Ranch. The entire time, he was waving his arms.

"How odd," Navi said.

"…So, I guess this is a happy ending?" Link asked.

Navi's body jolted, "I wonder what's going on in the forest right now… I'm worried about Saria, too!"

Link raised his eyebrow, "I'm worried about Saria?"

"Link!" Navi said, "That was another spit out obvious nonsense moments!"

Link flopped over, "Not another one of those spit out obvious nonsense moments…"

"It's not my fault!" Navi exclaimed, "Blame the authoress! She's the one who insists on staying true to the script! …But now that I mention it…"

"Why should we be worried about Saria?" Link pondered.

"Well, we won't find out by sticking around here!" Navi said, "Plus, it'll make Sheik happy if we go to the Forest."

"Okay, fine," Link said.

And thus our heroes left Kakariko Village and headed to Kokiri Village.

Chapter 10
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What would happen if the Zora's Domain was taken over by Jello(TM)?
Wonder no more! …Wait, what? Jello(TM)? Seriously? What is up with some of these chapter questions? Ahem. On with the story!
________________________________________________________________________

Link and Navi trotted into Zora's Domain after overcoming some traumatic waterfall memories.

"Man, I love the shortcuts in the Lost Woods," Navi hummed.

Link wrung out his hat. "I guess, but did I have to get wet—whoa."

Link stared at the Zora's Domain. He saw a cavern frosted over with layers of gelatin. Link bent down to a nearby thicker patch and poked it.

"What is this stuff?" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Let me ask the more important question and say what the %&*@ happened here?!" Navi let out.

"I fail to see how that's more important," Link stood up.

"And I fail to see how you fail to see how you're an idiot," Navi said. "Now let's keep going."

Navi flew on ahead.

Link nodded in agreement. "True, tru—hey!"

Link charged after her. Soon they arrived at the King Zora, sitting in his usual spot. However, he was encompassed completely in a red gelatinous substance.

Link licked it experimentally.

"Mmmm…" Link licked his lips. "Cherry flavoured."

"Ewww!" Navi let out. "Don't eat it!"

"How else are we supposed to get him out of there?" Link asked.

Navi zipped into Link's inventory.

"H-Hey!" Link protested.

Navi reemerged with Din's Fire.

"With firepower, of course!" Navi smirked.

"Warn me before you do something like that!" Link huffed.

"Okay, maybe," Navi said. "Anyway, are you going to burn this place to kingdom come or do I get to do the honours?"

Navi snickered in anticipation.

"I'll do it, thank you," Link swiped the spell out of her hands. "After the story you told me about your high school, I don't think I can trust you with something like this."

"Spoil sport," Navi grumbled.

Link held the diamond spell in his hand and concentrated all his magic into it. Soon, the signature red dome surrounded Link. It burst out in all directions, leaving a scorched trail in its wake.

The red goop remained unscathed.

"That was disappointing," Link paused. "Who knew that cherry flavouring's sheer amount of awesomeness made it fireproof?"

"No, no! You're obviously doing it wrong!" Navi snatched the spell again. "Here. Let me show you how it's done."

Navi swooped down and grabbed the diamond spell out of Link's hand. Soon the signature fiery dome shot out, indicating that she had successfully cast the spell.

The red gelatin barely even jiggled.

There was a pause.

"Okay, um…" Navi bit her lip. "T-That was just bad execution. Here goes."

Navi cast the spell once more, leaving burnt sea life in its wake. She glared at the gelatin standing mockingly intact.

"Oh, come on!" Navi let out.

Navi cast Din's Fire yet again.

"Why!"

And again.

"Isn't!"

And again.

"It!"

And again.

"Working?!"

Navi was about to cast it one more time, but a charred gantlet grabbed Din's Fire out of her clutches. Navi turned around. Link's blackened face coughed out puffs of ash. His tunic and gantlets were nothing but semi-charred remains that loosely held together. Navi stared at the top of the screen. Link only had three hearts. He managed to keep his hat somewhat intact, though.

Navi looked around her. Surrounding her were blackened walls, smoldering gelatin, and brooks carrying the residue downstream. If Zora's Domain's air didn't have a high water concentration, the place would have been in shambles.

"Let's leave the hat intact, okay?" Link coughed out some more smoke.

"Augh! I knew this thing wasn't working," Navi muttered to herself. "I'm never visiting that slut of a fairy ever again!"

"I thought we were never going to see them again anyway," Link added.

"That's besides the point," Navi huffed.

"So, um," Link rubbed some soot off his face, "apart from my completely unrealistic aftermath from fire, do you have any suggestions on what we should do?"

"You can go back to eating the stuff if you want," Navi grumbled.

"Okay," Link shrugged.

Link began nibbling away at the red goo. His health went up a quarter of a heart.

"Wat is dis stuff, anywais?" Link said with a mouthful of goop. "It's delicious."

Navi dipped her finger in it and licked it. "I wasn't serious, you know. And…mmm… It is kinda tangy."

Navi paused.

"What am I doing—I don't know how long this stuff has been on the Zora King's body!" Navi spat the goop out.

"Wat was dat?" Link looked up.

"Never mind," Navi sighed. "Go back to eating. It may not be the best thing for you, but it is the first time I've ever seen you eat in a while."

Link began devouring the gelatin once more. Navi paused. She looked at the ceiling. She looked at Link. Still munching. She looked at the walls. Then at Link. Still at it. She looked at her wrist, realized the gesture wasn't productive in this time period, then back at Link again.

"Okay, this is taking too long," Navi said. "Come on. Let's spite the fat lard of Zora and go behind him without his permission."

If Navi didn't know better, she could have sworn the King Zora was glaring at her.

"But it's recovering my HP—" Link protested.

Navi pointed at the exit. "Now."

Link wiped bits of the sugary gelatinous mix off his face. He sighed and ran off after Navi, who was flying down the hallway.
________________________________________________________________________

To say that Zora's Fountain had changed over the years would be an understatement. Link could barely believe his eyes when he laid eyes upon the place. Everywhere Link looked there was nothing but brightly coloured gelatin. Gelatin water, gelatin platforms, and even a gelatin cave off in the distance. It was like blatant product placement, only without the companies contacting the authoress.

Apparently, Jabu Jabu couldn't stand the sight of the goop either, since he was nowhere to be found.

"Okay, this is just getting ridiculous," Navi said. "As tasty as it may be, nobody can like this stuff that much."

"You know, maybe they didn't," Link pondered. "Maybe one of Ganondorf's minions bought a whole bunch of packages, but didn't know what to do with it, so they dumped all the contents in the fountain. What they didn't expect, however, was for the temperatures to drop to the point where the gelatin to fully form."

"Must restrain urge to ridicule…" Navi grumbled.

Link hopped across the surface of the gelatin, and made his way into the cave in the side of the wall.
________________________________________________________________________

Hours of Jello(TM) traversing later…

"Oh my Farore, I am sick of eating all this…this…stuff!" Link let out.

"Well, at least your HP is at max," Navi said.

A clear gelatin monster slid over to Link. It spat Jello(TM) at him.

"Though, I have to admit, that is hilarious," Navi snickered.

Link wiped the goop off his face. "Why do I get the feeling I won't get a heart container after all this?"

"Well, at least it's almost—hey," Navi looked up. "What's that?"

Link brushed the gelatin off his arms and looked up. There, up on a higher ledge, was a strange blue glowing thing that resembled a giant flame. Link climbed up.

"Wow, this is cool," Link examined the glowing object closer.

"Saaaay!" Navi's face lit up. "Maybe if we bottle up the blue fire, we can use it against the red stuff around the king."

"But it's not fire," Link said. "It's the same stuff as all the rest."

"What are you talking about? Of course it's fire—" Navi began.

Navi reached out and touched the floating mass. To her horror, and slight disgust, it, too, was gelatinous. Navi stared down at the pedestal. On it was a sign that read 'Blueberry Jello(TM)'. Beneath that it said 'contains no traces of nut products'.

"Jello(TM)?" Navi blinked.

"What?" Link asked.

"It's what it says," Navi said. "It's apparently called 'Jello(TM)'."

"Maybe that's what the other stuff is called too," Link pondered.

"Whatever, so maybe it is," Navi huffed. "Can we use it somehow?"

Link took a bite. "It's tasty," he admitted.

"Okay, so now what?" Navi groaned. "We can't use the blue 'Jello(TM)' to burn the red Jello(TM). That…that just doesn't physics. Period."

Link took another bite.

"Say, I wonder how the blue gell stuff would taste with the stuff on the king," Link pondered.

Navi paused, staring at Link. If this fic was any cartoonier, a light bulb would have appeared above her head.

"I hope you have hollow legs," Navi smirked.

"Huh?" Link blinked.

"Just bottle it up," Navi huffed.

Link raised an eyebrow, but complied. Link hopped down, and continued his trek through the gelatin mania
________________________________________________________________________

Link and Navi soon came across a room different from the others. It was littered with crystals and twinkled in the soft light Navi emitted. Link paused.

"Why do I get the feeling that I have to fight a boss here?" Link sighed.

"Because rooms that look different from the main temple or dungeon are obviously boss rooms," Navi said. "…We've been at this too long."

Link nodded. "That we ha—"

Link froze.

"Link? Why did you cut off like that?" Navi paused.

Link didn't move. Navi followed his gaze. There, at the other end of the room stood a large, white, Wolfos. It charged towards them.

"Uhhh…" Navi raised an eyebrow.

"Awwwwww!" Link cooed.

The wolf stopped dead in its tracks. "Arf?"

The wolf sat down and tilted its head to the side. Link dashed toward it, his arms outstretched.

"Oh, not this again," Navi slapped her forehead.

"It's so cute~! I'm going to name it Wigijigiland!" Link hugged Wigijigiland around the middle. "Don't you think that it's a lovely name?"

Wigijigiland started to gnaw on Link's leg.

"Where the crap do you get all these weird names?!" Navi buzzed up and down. "Can't you just name it 'Jim' like a normal person?!"

Link covered Wigijigiland's ears. "Navi! Don't hurt Wigijigiland's feelings like that!"

"Will you stop befriending Wolfos'!" Navi snapped. "Besides, this one's the boss."

"But it's too cute for us to fight!" Link smiled at Wigijigiland. "I know! He can be our cute and lovable partner on our adventures!"

Link's statement was lost on Navi, as Wigijigiland had clamped his jaws shut over her.

"Mmmm, mm mmm mmm'm mmm mm mmm mm mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm, m mmmmmm m'mm—!" Navi's muffled yelling was heard from Wigijigiland's muzzle.

(Translation note: 'Link, if you don't get me out of here this instant, I swear I'll—!')

"What?" Link asked with his hand over his ear, "I didn't catch that."

Wigijigiland shook himself loose from Link's grasp. It turned and charged toward Link again. It leapt into the air, paws extended towards our hero's face. Link opened his arms, about to welcome the embrace.

"Wigijigiland!" Link declared. "Come to Papa!"

Wigijigiland accidentally stabbed himself on Link's sword and died.

"Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo—!" Link fell to his knees in despair, "My poor Wigijigiland! It was too young to die!!"

Navi whizzed out of Wigijigiland's slack jaw. "Link, don't make me troll you again."

"Do what?" Link blinked.

"Never mind," Navi sighed. "Just get the chest already."

Navi pointed to the chest in the corner.

"But don't I at least get the chance to mourn my best friend of all time?" Link protested.

"That won't be necessary," Navi said, "since I'm still alive. Anyway. Treasure. Get it."

"You are so bossy, you know that?" Link grumbled.

"And you're stupid," Navi sighed. "I honestly don't know why the goddesses assigned you to the job as the Cho—"

"Shoes!" Link exclaimed.

Navi looked over to see Link trying on shoes. DUH DUH DUH NUUUUUUHHHH!! Link got Iron Boots! Which just look like his regular boots with metal weights on the bottom. Lame?

"Link, you can't be serious," Navi said.

Link didn't skip a beat, and put them on.

"These are soooo cool!" Link's face lit up. "Now I'll weigh, like, a thousand pounds!"

Navi stared speechless as Link began admiring himself with them on. Sheik fell from the ceiling. Sheik took a step back in surprise.

"Navi, do these make me look fa—hello," Link coughed.

"No wonder fandom can't decide if you're straight," Navi said.

"What in Nayru's name are you doing?" was all Sheik could let out.

"Erm, it's, um, not what it looks like," Link blushed.

"Uh, yes. Yes it is," Navi said.

"Hey! It was your idea to come here and mock the king," Link crossed his arms. "It's not like there are any manly minigames I could play with the Zoras instead, anyway."

"If you came here to meet the Zoras, you wasted your time… This is all there is… With one exception, the Zoras are now sealed under this thick ice sheet…" Sheik explained.

"I'm guessing he didn't get the memo," Link whispered.

"Memo?" Sheik blinked.

"The gelatin stuff is apparently called 'Jello'," Navi said. "And my guess is that belongs to some well-known business, since the authoress keeps slapping on '(TM)' after it. I think she's trying to avoid legal issues."

"Gelatin…stuff?" Sheik blinked.

There was a long pause.

"Sheik, didn't it strike you as a bit odd when the 'ice' started wobbling under your feet?" Navi asked.

"Now that you mention it," Sheik pondered, "it was suspiciously easy to chisel her…"

"Whatever," Navi sighed. "What did you want to tell us?"

"…I managed to rescue the Zora Princess from under the ice—" Sheik started.

"Jello(TM)," Link lifted up a correcting finger.

"…'Jello(TM)'," Sheik rolled his eyes. "but…she left to head for the Water Temple… This Jello(TM) is created by an evil curse…"

"Jello(TM) created by an evil curse?" Navi asked in disbelief.

"Or a monster who was drunk at Cosco," Link added.

"What is up with all this advertising this chapter?!" Navi let out.

"The monster in the Water Temple is the source of the curse," Sheik continued.

"So…" Link paused, "the boss of the Water Temple was drunk at Cosco?"

"Link, stop it!" Navi smacked his head. "You don't even have a clue what Cosco is."

"Unless you shut off the source, this ice—I mean Jello(TM), will never melt…" Sheik said.

"So Jello(TM) can melt," Link gasped.

"But Din's Fire doesn't do a thing," Navi said. "What do you suggest?"

"If you have enough courage to confront the danger and save the Zoras, I will teach you the melody that leads to the Temple." Sheik explained.

"That doesn't exactly sound effective," Navi said. "Got any other ideas?"

"No," Sheik shot a glare at Navi. "Now shut up and listen to my poetry."

"Tch, poetry's for losers," Link huffed.

"Link, I thought you would have grown to appreciate the fine arts," Navi protested.

"Poetry's still for losers."

"Bah, don't mind him, Sheik," Navi said. "Now, go on."

"Time passes, people move…. Like a river's flow, it never ends…" Sheik began.

"But Jello(TM) just stays in one place," Link added.

"Shh!" Navi whispered.

"…A childish mind will turn to noble ambition… Young love will become deep affection… The clear water's surface reflects growth…" Sheik spoke a little louder.

"Oh Din," Link paled. "I forgot about Ruto."

"Now listen the Serenade of Water to reflect upon yourself… Play the Serenade of Water!" Sheik exclaimed.

Navi started to clap.

"Thank you, thank you," Sheik bowed.

"And you were calling me girly?" Link rolled his eyes.

"Link!" Navi hissed. "Don't diss poets! Do you know how much girls dig guys who write poetry?!"

Link raised an eyebrow. "They do?"

"Sensitive girls, mostly, but they do!" Navi said.

"…Unfortunately," Sheik seemed to deflate a little.

Sheik took out his harp out of seemingly nowhere, as always, and played the Serenade of Water. Link whipped out his ocarina and played it back. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned Serenade of Water! Warping song number three in the bag!

"Link… I'll see you again…" Sheik told Link.

Sheik threw a Deku Nut and vanished. Link stumbled around blindly.

"Huh," Navi paused. "I just realized that I'm not affected by those. I love being an NPC."

"You lucky little—uagh!" Link let out.

There was a loud splash. Navi looked over at a nearby hole in the ground.

"Great," Navi groaned. "He's still wearing those iron boots, isn't he?"

Navi dove into the water.
________________________________________________________________________

Link heaved his way into Zora's Domain. Dragging one foot forward and slamming it on the ground. He did the same with the other, water dripping off his hair.

"Link, this would be a lot easier without the iron boots on—" Navi repeated.

"No, no, a thousand times no!" Link grunted with each step. "I just got my first new pair of boots in seven years and I wanna wear them!"

"Those things weigh a ton," Navi said. "They kept you at the bottom of the fountain and if I didn't share my air bubble, you would have drowned. You're being ridiculous."

"What I'm being," Link panted, "is practical."

"Bah, whatever," Navi huffed. "I'm obviously not going to get anywhere with that attitude."

Link stomped over to the Jello encased Zora King.

"Okay," Link smiled. "We're here. Wait, why were we seeing the Zora King again?"

"Just give me your bottle," Navi sighed. "The one with the blue Jello."

Link paused and hesitantly gave the bottle to Navi. Navi ripped open the cork after getting a good grip, and wedged the blue gelatin into the red. After a few minutes of fidgeting, the goop had turned purple.

"Uhhh…" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Now eat," Navi demanded.

"Uh, when I wondered how they tasted together, I didn't actually want to find out. And, no offense, but, um," Link bit his lip, "didn't we already try this?"

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," Navi said.

"Okay," Link leaned over and took a bite, "but I still have my—OH MY DIN, THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED, EVER!"

Link devoured the Jello(TM) like there was no tomorrow.

"Product placement gone wrong, that's what this is," Navi sighed.

Soon…

"Ouch!"

"Did you say something, Navi?" Link looked up.

"Oh hey!" Navi exclaimed. "You've got most of the King out."

"I'll take it from here," the King Zora used his exposed arm to shoo Link away.

"But it's so yummy—" Link protested.

"Link, shut up," Navi said. "He might give us stuff. We don't want to upset him."

"So, I assume it was you two who saved me," the King began picking Jello off his arm.

"You are correct," Navi rolled her eyes. "Of course, Mister Girly Girl here insisted on taking a detour in the fountain. Almost drowned himself because of it."

"Hey! New shoes, you wear 'em!" Link protested. "There's nothing wrong with that!"

"Unless they drag you to the bottom of every body of water and you almost drown because of it," Navi said. "Then, yes, it is very much a problem."

"It looks like you have a hard time breathing under water," the King Zora noted.

"Just a little," Link shrugged.

"Definitely," Navi groaned.

"As an expression of my gratitude, I grant you this tunic," the King nodded. "With this, you won't choke under water."

The Zora King pulled a blue tunic from out of his cape.

"…You were carrying that around," Navi paused, "all this time, all these years, under your cape?"

"Indeed," the King Zora nodded. "What of it?"

"Why?" Link and Navi asked in unison.

"I—! …I don't remember. I'll have to think about that," the King began to ponder.

"Bah, never mind, just give it to us," Navi sighed.

DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Zora's tunic! A blue tunic that makes him look hotter than usual!

"…Our narrator's weird," Link paused.

"Trust me, you don't know the half of it," Navi shuddered.

"And I have a feeling I don't want to," Link sighed. "Moving on."

"Ah, I see… Princess Ruto went to the Water Temple…" King Zora nodded.

"She did?" Link asked.

"Link, we've been over this. This is the power of the NPC," Navi whispered. "Apparently this means she's in the Water Temple. Wherever that is."

"Ohhhh…" Link nodded understandingly.

"Not to mention that Sheik told us that she went there," Navi added. "But having NPC powers helps."

"The power of what?" the King blinked.

"…We'll be going now," Link pointed behind him.

Link stormed out of Zora's Domain, clanking all the way.
________________________________________________________________________
 
Eventually, Navi got fed up with Link's slow traversing and told him to play the new song he learned. Link then played the Serenade of Water. This warped him to an island in the middle of Lake Hylia. Lake Hylia had been drained of most of its water, except for a small pool at the bottom of the island Link stood on. In the pool was a large gate.

"Huh," Link looked around. "Weird."

"Seems a bit," Navi paused, "out of the way, compared to the others."

Navi jolted.

"Those Iron Boots look like they weigh a ton! If you wear those boots, you might be able to walk to the bottom of a lake," Navi told Link.

"So now you want me to wear these?" Link asked.

"That was O.N.A. you dolt," Navi said.

"I thought I said to quit it with the insults," Link huffed.

"You're making that very hard. Trust me," Navi sighed.

"I don't have to put up with this," Link stormed off. "I'm going to—uagh!"

There was a loud splash. Navi looked over the edge of the platform they stood on. Link sunk like a stone.

"Put your new tunic on, you twit!" Navi called out.

By the sizeable amount of bubbles that floated to the surface, Navi assumed Link was trying to yell at her. However, he seemed to comply. She flew under and joined him in her air bubble.

"So, how is it?" Navi asked.

Link gulped. "Breathing water is so weird."

"That's nice," Navi said. "Now let's get going. We have a medallion to get."

"And a fiancée to confront," Link shuddered.

"One thing at a time, Link," Navi said. "Besides, she's probably forgotten by now."

"Okay, fair enough," Link sighed.

Link used his Hookshot to pull out the pin holding the gate. Together they went in.
________________________________________________________________________