Chapter 4
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What would happen if Goron dancing could change gravity?
Wonder no more! You will see the answer as more random events unfold.
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Link's terror made him stumble across a settlement in Hyrule Field. Link ran inside, cueing the camera to pan around this farm. White letters appeared on-screen, reading: Lon Lon Ranch. Link heard a song being sung close to where he stood. But despite all indication that this singing was potentially important to the plot, Link decided to ignore it to go inside a nearby building. The building was a barn, and inside there was a middle-aged man. Abruptly, this middle-aged man stormed over to Link and began yelling at him.

"I can't believe that I, the Great Ingo, am working on this dump of a ranch!" the man scoffed, "Because the owner is so lazy, I always have to do all the work around here! I, the hard-working Ingo, should be in charge, not that lazy bum, Talon!"

"Um…" Link bit his lip, "We just walked in, so please don't drag us into your problems…"

"But he does have a point…" Navi pondered, "Since that Talon guy is apparently in charge."

Link turned his head to face Navi, "Who?"

"Link!" Navi hissed. "It's only been two chapters! How can you forget that lazy Talon already?!"

"Wait, we're talking about that sleeping man?" Link asked.

"…Link, let's go," Navi sighed.

Link hastily left the barn and walked into a corral. There, he saw the Malon girl singing again, and had a small horse beside her.

Malon looked up when she heard Link's footsteps, "Oh, it's the…" Malon paused, "…fairy boy? Yes! It's the fairy boy again!"

Navi blinked, "You forgot him already? You must have memory as bad as Link's!"

"Navi," Link glared.

"I heard that you found my dad!" Malon grinned, "How did you like the castle?"

Link stared at his fingernails, "Not bad."

"Despite the fact that the guards are as blind as bats and as deaf as rocks, the castle itself was relatively nice," Navi added.

"But not the kind of place you would go vacationing to—unless you like crazy princesses," Link continued.

"Great! Now you've done it!" Navi groaned, "Why'd you tell her about the princess? Do you want to get mobbed aga—"

Malon cocked her head, "Did you see the princess?"

"She was scary…" Link shuddered.

There was a short silence before: "Wow! That's so cool!" Malon exclaimed, "Can I have your autograph?"

Link hid behind Navi, which wasn't very effective.

Navi sighed, "I think Link's too traumatized from the events of last chapter to even consider being put on the spot. Besides, Link doesn't know how to read, never learned how to write, and has a small oral vocabulary, with the exception of a long word here and there."

Link peeked out from behind Navi, "Hey! I know stuff!"

Navi looked down at Link, "Case and point."

"Oh… Okay…" Malon sighed.

"Is she only responding to that now?" Link asked.

"Anyways," Malon smiled, "Dad came home in a hurry after you found him."

"Of course he did. I think that even the audience could assume that," Navi muttered.

Link glared at Navi, "Shh!"

"I have to introduce you to my friend, fairy boy," Malon smiled as she turned to the horse beside her, "She's this horse. Her name is Epona. Isn't she cute?"

"Wait," Navi paused, "When did we switch topics?"

Link bent down and stretched out his hand towards the horse, "Awww…!"

Just as Link's fingertips grazed the tips of the hair on Epona's mane, Epona ran away from Link like he was possessed. Malon's gaze followed Epona.

"It seems like Epona is afraid of you fairy boy… Maybe she thinks you're possessed!" Malon exclaimed cheerfully, "My mother composed this song I'm singing. Isn't it nice? Let's sing together!"

"Why do you keep changing topics abruptly?" Navi snapped, buzzing up and down.

Malon continued singing to herself.

"It doesn't seem like she remembers what we were just talking about earlier," Link yawned, "I wonder what's with her…"

"Well, she certainly shows symptoms of short term memory loss…" Navi put her hand on her chin, "But she's also had slow reaction time to most of the questions we ask her. I'm not sure what she has, but it'll take me a while to—"

Link's ocarina dropped out of his pocket.

"Oh, cute ocarina!" Malon bent over the ocarina and investigated it closely, "Are you going to play the song with that ocarina?"

"Uhhhhh…" Link looked at the ocarina and then at Malon, "…Okay?"

"Okay," Malon smiled, "this is the song."

Malon stood, doing nothing.

"Uhhh….hello?" Link waved his hand in front of her face.

"I think she has a delayed reaction time, Link…" Navi said, "We don't want to confuse her any more than she already is, so just wait."

"But—"

"Shut up and wait," Navi snapped.

"But I have to use the bathroom," Link said in a small voice.

Malon began to sing. She sang two notes. She frowned slightly, and then smiled at Link. She opened her mouth and tried again. She only sang one note. This went on for about fifteen minutes before Malon managed to sing three notes.  When she had finally sung the entire song, it was almost nightfall. Link hurriedly copied her before she asked him if he wanted to hear it again just for clarity. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned Epona's Song!

"Finally! I got the song down!" Link groaned.

Epona stampeded over Link, trampling him.
    
Malon blinked as Link struggled with Epona, "Oh, Epona! She's grown fond of you, fairy boy."

Navi rolled her eyes, "So it would seem…"

"AHHHH! GET OFF ME!" Link struggled to get away from the horse, "I ALREADY GOT MOBBED TODAY!"

Link, now traumatized by horses as well as Zelda's fanbase, struggled with Epona before fending her off. As soon as he could, he bolted for the last building on the settlement. Link slammed the door in Epona's face and locked the door. There was some sad-sounding neighing on the other side.
 
"I think I'm going to have nightmares about Zelda fans on horseback…" Link muttered.

"Who's that guy?" Navi asked.

"What guy?"

"The snoring guy, duh," Navi said, "Wait…yup, never mind. It's Talon."

"Yay! The sleeping man!" Link exclaimed.

There was a rotund man sleeping on a pile of hay. He snored loudly enough to rattle the pictures on the wall. The room was full of chickens.

"How did you not hear him?" Navi asked, "Especially since it seems to have gotten louder than before."

Link put his fingers in his ears, "Is that even possible?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Yes, Link. Didn't you know that Talon's snoring gets louder and louder as time progresses?"

"Wow! No, I didn't!" Link's face lit up, "That's awesome! I wanna do that when I grow up!"

"Don't say things like that. After all, fate has a habit of making things like that come true. You might regret it later," Navi paused a moment, "Actually, no, I might regret it later."

Link cocked his head, "Why?"

Navi pointed at Talon, "Link, why don't you wake him up?"

"Sure! Why not?" Link exclaimed.

Link raised his index finger and ceremoniously executed a decisive jab to Talon's side.

"Mumble…Mumble…"

"Maybe" Navi grinned sarcastically, "you should poke him harder…"

"Okay!" Link proclaimed as executed sharper poke.

Talon's reaction was immediate: "Mumble… Mumble… Giggle… Giggle… pffftt—! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Navi slapped her forehead, "Link that was too hard…"

"Sheesh," Link crossed his arms, "Touchy, touchy…"

"Hahahaha… Huh? I'm awake already!" Talon blinked.

"Apparently…" Navi muttered.

"What? Well, I'll be! If it ain't the forest kid from the other day," Talon exclaimed, "By the way, thanks a lot for waking me up! It took some doing, but I finally got Malon back in a good mood."

Navi raised her eyebrow, "Bad mood? She has a bad mood?"

Link gulped, "…I don't think I want to imagine her in a bad mood…"

"I don' think I can imagine her in a bad mood," Navi said.

"So, what are you up to today?" Talon asked.

"Well, today, I've run away from a couple mobs, I've raided a corpse, and I still have to go off and find jewelry, probably complete various dungeons and puzzles, undergo the dangerous and the near impossible, and will likely have to save the worl—" Link replied.

"Got some free time on your hands you say?" Talon asked.

"What part of that schedule implied that he had free time on his hands?" Navi exclaimed.

Talon smiled, "Well how about a little game?"

"Game? I love games!" Link exclaimed.

Navi flew up to Link's face, "Link! If you keep being so submissive, then people are going to take advantage of you for the rest of your life!"

"Oh please Navi," Link rolled his eyes, "you're just being paranoid."

"These three cuckoos I have here are Special Super Cuckoos!" Talon explained as he pointed to the Cuckoos that were around him.

Link squinted at the Cuckoos behind Talon, "They don't look very special to me…"

"I'm going to throw these Cuckoos into that there gaggle of normal cuckoos. If you can pick out the three Special birds from among the normal Cuckoos within the time limit, I'll give you something good. If you can't find them, I win. It'll be ten rupees… Want to play?" Talon asked.

"I already said yes," Link said.

"You have thirty seconds! Alrighty then, get ready, here go the Super Cuckoos! START LOOKIN'!!" Talon threw the Cuckoos at the other Cuckoos.

Link managed to beat this easy mini-game. With some cheating help from Navi.

"Golly, I'll be darned. It's plum incredible! That's the last one. You found them all. Come on over here. Hey, you! You've got the talent to be one of the world's best cowboys," Talon explained.

"But I don't want to be a cowboy…" Link muttered to himself.

"How'd you like to marry Malon?" Talon asked.

"Ewww, no!" Link exclaimed, "I want that even less!"

Navi sighed, "Wow, real mature, Link."

"Ha ha, I was just kidding! Just kidding. I think you're a little young for that, aren't you? Ha ha ha…!" Talon laughed.

"I don't know," Link said, "Am I too young to get married and have kids, Navi?"

There was a long pause.

"I'm very proud to present you with a sample of our very own Lon Lon milk. You'll be energized the moment you drink it. After you drink it, you can bring back the bottle and buy a refill anytime you want," Talon explained handing Link a bottle.

DUN UN UN UNN! Link received Lon Lon Milk! And even though Link has only seen horses at this ranch, there's a picture of a cow on it!
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Link left Lon Lon Ranch and made his way to Kakariko Village. However, Link wandered in a random direction in the village and ended up in a graveyard. Link walked over to a large tombstone in the back of the cemetery. He wore a deadpan expression across his face.

"…Link…?" Navi said, "You haven't said a word since we left the ranch… What are you doing?"

Link walked over and saw a platform with the Triforce on it. He mechanically pulled out his Ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. The sky grew dark. A downpour began and thunder could be heard. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck the large tomb, smashing it apart and revealing a hole. Link jumped down the hole.

"Okay, Link, you're starting to weird me out… Just tell me what's going on," Navi ordered, "Come on, say something already."

Link halted abruptly. Gradually, he cranked his head around to face Navi. His face was shadowed over. The whites of his eyes were more prominent than normal.

His lips cracked open and he uttered: "I'm being possessed…"

"What?!" Navi gasped.

Navi picked a bone off the ground and began bashing Link's head with it.

"Whoever is in there, get out!" Navi yelled.

"Hey! Hey!" Link covered his head with his arms, "I was just kidding! I'm not possessed! Hey, cut it out!"

Navi held the bone hesitantly, "Oh yeah, like I'm falling for that!"

She began hitting Link even harder.

"Ow! Hey, watch it!" Link protested, "How long have you been this strong?!"

Navi swung the bone, like a club, around her head a couple of times, "Appearances can be deceiving, you fiend!"

Link dashed forwards in an attempt to stop Navi from hitting him, however, she could fly as fast—or faster—than Link. She continued to pursue Link until he reached the back of the underground cave. At the end of this area, Link found himself yet another gravestone. How many of these things are there? Link pulled out his ocarina and ignored Navi's continuous bonking.

Link glanced from his ocarina clapped in his hands and then at the gravestone; "Maybe if I play a different song this grave will explode like the last one."

Navi stopped herself from hitting Link once more in mid swing, "…Okay, no one but Link would say something like that."

Navi threw the bone over her shoulder.

"Navi?" Link asked. "Can you read this stone for me?"

"Why should I? You just pretended you were possessed and scared the crap out of me," Navi snapped.

"Because I can't read?" Link pleaded.

"Nice try," Navi said.

"No, seriously, I can't read. I don't know how."

Navi stared at the blond boy.

"Grrr…Fine!" Navi moaned, "You really should learn how to read.... Ahem. It says: 'This poem is dedicated to the memory of the dearly departed members of the Royal Family:
A rising sun will eventually set,
A newborn's life will fade.
From sun to moon, moon sun…
Give peaceful rest to the living dead.'"
 
"Boring," Link yawned.

"Hey, you were the one who wanted me to read it for you," Navi said.

"Poetry is for losers."

"You just have no appreciation for the arts!" Navi huffed, "I'll have you know that this is a very interesting poem!"

"I dunno… I never was much of a poet, so I can say if it's good or not," Link pondered, "But it's still boring."

"Link, you could never write in the first place," Navi sighed, "…Huh? Something is inscribed on the tombstone… It's the secret melody of the Composer Brothers!"

"And you know this how?" Link asked, pointing at Navi.

"…You don't want to know," Navi grinned evilly, then turned to the tombstone, "Ahem. 'Keep the sun's song in your heart'."
 
Link pulled out his Ocarina and… DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned the Sun's Song! Now he can change the time of day! Time flies when you're having fun ya know.
 
"'Restless souls wander where they don't belong, bring them calm with the Sun's Song'," Navi continued.

"Navi," Link moaned, flopping over, "why didn't you just read all the stuff the first time you were reading it?"

"Because more writings on the tombstone keep appearing after I finish reading it," Navi pointed at the appearing text.

Link went wide-eyed, "What?"

"Oh, it's doing it again. Ahem. 'Seven days.'…Wait, never mind, it backspaced. Now it says 'Seven YEARS!!!'."

"Seven years? What'll happen in seven years?" Link peered at the tombstone.

"It says: 'You will slumber…for SEVEN YEARS!' The rest is just evil cackling," Navi said, "I'm not sure how a tombstone can cackle, but it's doing it…"

"Pffft, like that'll ever happen," Link waved it off.

"Let's get out of here, Link," Navi said, "Now the tombstone only reads 'mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha' etc. And I don't talk to spammers."
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Once Link and Navi exited the Graveyard, they found themselves in Kakariko again. So Link went exploring.
 
"Impa said that the Spiritual Stone of Fire is somewhere on Death Mountain," Navi told Link.

"I know, Navi," Link responded blandly.

"Well, maybe we should, oh, I don't know…actually go there?" Navi suggested.

"I'm working on it," Link told Navi.

"Some time today would be nice," Navi said.

"I said I'm working on it!" Link yelled.

"No, you're not," Navi said.

Link carried a cuccoo on his head. He threw the chicken into a nearby pen, while a woman standing nearby clapped in approval.

"Navi, just because I'm not going up there right this instant doesn't mean that I'm not working on it," Link said.

Link crossed his arms.

"I'm doing sidequests, which are equally as important as anything else in story mode," Link turned his head towards Navi, "Don't you want me to get another bottle?"

Navi glared at the boy, "…Come on!"

Navi grabbed hold of Link's ear began to drag him toward the village exit. She dragged him up a set of stairs and up a slope. Death Mountain could be seen in the distance. Navi saw that there was a gate in front of the path. A guard stood beside the gate. She grumbled and shoved Link forward.

"Great," she groaned, "So, how much?"

"What?" the gate guard asked.

"I'm trying to bribe you," Navi snapped, "How much do you want?"

"Navi!" Link swatted Navi lightly, "That's dishonest!"

"Hey, it might work," Navi shrugged.

"No!" Link crossed his arms, "Trying to bribe a guard on duty is against the rules of Hyrule!"

"Rules of the land are generally called 'laws', Link," Navi said, "And it might work. Just lend me about 80 rupees."

"No! Bribing is bad!" Link glared at the fairy, "And besides, I only have 10 rupees!"

"Gah, fine," Navi sighed.

Navi shuffled through Link's pockets, and reemerged with Zelda's Letter.

"Hey—!"

"How about I give you this, instead?" Navi waved the Zelda's Letter in front of the guard, "It's not much, however, I bet you could a lot of cash from it on eBay."
 
"Oh, this is… This is surely Princess Zelda's handwriting!" the guard exclaimed.

"Please don't ask for my autograph," Link pleaded, "You have no idea what I've been through the past chapter and a half because of this stupid letter."

"Princess Zelda's autograph! This is worth more than anything else I own! Even more than my own son!" the guard gasped.

Link stared, "He just accepted a bribe!"

"Heh. Now, you get to keep the autograph and you'll let me and my pal through any time we want, right?" Navi asked.

"Wait! Let me just inspect it for authenticity," the guard said, "Let's see…Hmm… Okay…look's legit."

"Do we have a deal?" Navi asked.

"Navi! This is—"

"Quiet, Link."

"Well, the paper's authentic Royal Family stationery," the guard muttered, "I have some experience in these things…"

"You mean you've been bribed before?" Link gasped.

"Let's take a look inside…" the guard muttered, "Hmmm…? 'This is Link… He is under my orders to save my jewelry collection.'"

The guard grinned.

"Well? What is it?" Navi demanded.

The guard burst out laughing, "What kind of funny game has our princess come up with now? Ahh, I'd recognize this writing style anywhere. Alright, fairy, you and your bud can pass through. I'll be sure to remember this."

"That's Mademoiselle Fairy to you," Navi said, "And if you ever forget our arrangement…you know what'll happen to you…and your family."

The guard tipped his helmet, "Of course."

"Come on, Link. Let's go," Navi said.

"But…but…but—!" Link protested.

"I said 'let's go'!" Navi snapped.

Navi seized Link's ear and dragged him forwards again. The guard stamped the ground with the butt of his spear. The gate creaked open.

"Okay, okay, all right. You can go now… Just be careful, Mr. Jewelry-Saver. And of course, may you have a safe journey, Mademoiselle Fairy," the guard bowed.

"I'm going to report you!" Link hollered.
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As Navi towed Link up the Mountain, the boy continuously struggled to break free.

"Navi! That's not right!" Link exclaimed, "What you did back there was as dirty as something Mido would do!"

Navi sighed, "Link, there are much darker and slyer people than Mido ever could be."

Link gasped, "Tha-th-that's not possible!!!"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Besides, I got us onto Death Mountain! What more could you want?"

Link glared at Navi, "For you to have done it with honesty, with honour, and above all, with the heart of the cards!"

"Oh please, Link," Navi sighed, "Even though the original game was in Japanese, we're in an English fanfic. There's no such thing as honesty, honour, or the heart of the cards here."

Life drained out of Link's face, "Nooooooo!!"

Link pulled off his wooden shield, and hid behind it. Navi turned around.

"Uh-oh," Navi gulped.

Link peeked out from behind the shield, "That's right! See my shield and TREMBLE!!"

"No, Link," Navi slapped her forehead, "Your shield! It's made out of wood!"

Link lowered his shield, "So?"

"Link, we are headed to the terrible and ominous Death Mountain," Navi pointed at the mountain, "Now, the Deku Tree once told me that Death Mountain is an active volcano."

"…So?"

"Your shield will burn and die," Navi said.

Link hid behind his shield again, "Nooooo! Not my shield! It cost me forty rupees!"

"Hmmm…" Navi paused, "We'll have to upgrade you to a metal shield to go up the mountain…"

"Bu-bu-but where can I get a metal shield?" Link whimpered.

Navi smirked, "Don't worry… I have an idea…"
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"Ohhh…" Link frowned, "I never wanted to come back here…"

Navi deposited Link on the ground in front of her.

"Back so soon, Mademoiselle Fairy?" the guard smirked.

"You have sources…" Navi turned to the guard, "I need to know where I can buy this idiot a shield…"

"A shield? Oh, I know just the place," the guard said, "But, of course, that information is going to cost you."

"Of course," Navi nodded, "Name your price."

"Have you ever been to the Happy Mask Shop that just opened in Hyrule Castle Town Market? Everyone is talking about it," the guard explained, "At least, everyone within…certain circles…"

Link blinked, "But I've never heard anyone talk about it."

"That's because you're not in any circles," Navi said, "Now, quiet, Link. If you know what's good for you."

"You see, there is a popular mask there. And I am quite interested in getting this mask for…uh, my little boy. Yes, my little boy," the guard said.

"Aww, that's so sweet!" Link said, "Gee, you must be nicer than I thought you were."

"You still haven't told us how to get a shield," Navi said.

"Well, when you go to Market Town to get this mask for me, uh, I mean, my son, it would be worth your time to stop by the Bazaar," the Guard said, "They sell the shield you need there. Tell the owner I sent you, and he'll give you what you want."

"You won't be disappointed," Navi said darkly.

"Yeah! We'll get that mask for your son!" Link said.

"Alright, Link, let's go," Navi said.

"I'm sure his son will be very happy!"

"Shut up, Link."
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Link and Navi arrived in Market town with Navi in the lead. Link was still prattling on about how a man who wants to give his son a gift couldn't possibly be completely evil, even if he did accept bribes.

"After all, I'm sure if I report him, Zelda will let him off with a pardon," Link said, "Maybe a warning at most."

"Link, you have no idea what you're talking about," Navi said, "Let's head to the Happy Mask Shop first."

"Okay!"

Navi led Link across the plaza to a very brightly coloured building. Link thought he heard Navi mention something about a 'nice cover' but he didn't know what it meant, so he ignored it. He opened the door and wandered inside, only to find it was dim and not nearly as bright as it was on the outside. The back wall had a shelf lined with masks, while the man behind the counter looked up and grinned at the two of them.

"Ah, welcome, dear customers," the Happy Mask Salesman said, "Is there anything…particular…that you're looking for?"

"Yeah! I know a guy who wants to give the Keaton Mask to his son!" Link smiled.

"Wait, with a grin like that…I get the sense that you will be an annoying pain in the patooshie in this fanfic's sequel," Navi muttered.

"What are you talking about?" the Salesman grinned, "This fanfic is way to lame and boring to ever have a sequel. Let alone a complete one."

"Anyways, do you have the mask?"

"Of course," the Salesman grinned, "When you deliver this mask, please send the guard my regards."

The Happy Mask Salesman handed Link the Keaton Mask.

"Look, Navi! It's so yellow!" Link grinned.

"How much?" Navi asked the Salesman.

"Nothing…for now," the Salesman grinned.

The Salesman then disappeared into the shadows of the store.

"…All you have to do is believe…"
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Navi and Link then made their way to the Bazaar, just across the corner. The exterior was much simpler. A burly man stood behind the counter—he did not look the sort to be easily intimidated.

"That must be our contact," Navi said, "He doesn't look the sort to be easily intimidated."

Link approached the counter.

"Hello thar, little matey," the man grunted, "What can I get fer ya, today?"

"We were sent by the gate guard in Kakariko village to get—"

The big man paled. He looked around the shop and lowered his voice.

"Here? Now? But yeh can't! Not in front of the customers!"

"What customers?" Navi asked.

The burly man dropped to his knees.

"Please, please don't kill me!" he begged, "I know I owe the guy, but yeh can't bump me off! I have a wife an' three young 'uns waitin' a' home. Waitin' fer their papa to come home!"

"Uhhh…." Navi said, "I think there's been a misundersta—"

"I'm begging ya, sir, and kind Butterfly! If yeh have any 'eart at all, find it in yer 'earts to spare me!"

"I'm not a butterfly, you buffoon," Navi snapped.

"You never told me you were a butterfly, Navi!" Link gasped.

"Of course not, miss," the man blubbered, "'Twas my mistake. I dun' know anything. I ne'er knew anything. I didn' know what I was sellin' or sellin' it to."

"Look, we've come for a shield," Navi sighed, "Not your life."

The man's face lit up. He raised himself off the ground and grabbed a shield from the wall. He bowed numerous times as he shoved it into Link's hands.

"Oh, thank ye! Thank ye, Kind Butterfly and kind sir!" he said, "I won't ever ferget yer kindness ta me! Take the shield, take it! No charge!"

"But I'll feel bad if I don't pay…" Link started.

"No, kind sir, I won't 'ave it any other way!" the man's eyes watered.

"Just take the shield, Link," Navi said.

When they exited the store, the burly man held the door open for them. He bowed profusely and uttered many more thanks as they exited. After he shut the door, he put a 'Closed' sign up in the window.

"Well, that was nice of him to give me this shield," Link said, "But it's too big for me."

"Shut up, Link," Navi snapped, "You got it for free, so don't complain."
________________________________________________________________________

Link and Navi returned to Kakariko Village, they went directly to see the gate guard. He stood at his post, whistling innocently.

"We're back," Navi said.

"Do you have the goods?" the guard asked.

Navi jerked her thumb at Link. Link wore the Keaton mask. He pranced up to the guard.
 
"Heh, do you think you're in disguise, Mr. Jewelry-Saver?" the guard smirked, "I see you got the Keaton mask for me, er, for my son."

"I'm sure your son will be very happy now," Link handed over the mask, "Say hi to him for me!"

"Your information was accurate," Navi said, "We've brought you the mask as agreed upon."

The guard put the mask on his face.

"You're true to your word, Mademoiselle Fairy," the guard said, "I'm certain my son will be very happy with this. Oh, and this is for you, Mademoiselle Fairy."

The guard slipped some rupees into Navi's hand.

"None of this ever happened," the guard looked around.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Navi said, "Link, to Death Mountain."

"Okay! Bye, mister gate guard!" Link waved.

The gate guard waved back as they headed up the slope.

"His son will be one happy little boy!" Link grinned.

"Link," Navi said, "He doesn't have a son."

Link gasped, "You mean?"

Link looked down the hill at the guard a second time. There was a strange evil glint coming from the eyes of the Keaton Mask. Link's eyes widened. He sprang at Navi.

"Navi! Don't you ever, ever, EVER bribe guards again!" Link yelled, "Never! Promise me you'll never talk to that guy—especially that guy—ever again!"

"But Link, it's handy!" Navi protested, squashed under Link's hands.

Link glared at the glowing ball in his hands.

Navi sighed, "Fine."
________________________________________________________________________

Link began his trek up the treacherous trail to Death Mountain. The slope was a gentle incline, the sun was shining, there was a cool breeze—everything was going smoothly. Until he reached a part in the trail where there was a large boulder, that is. This boulder was around the size of a house. In front of the large boulder was a rotund tan-coloured object. It was shaped much like a gourd, save for its vast size.  Link approached the large boulder, and was about to take a closer look when the gourd-shaped object set itself upright, stood up on a pair of legs and began speaking to our hero.
 
"I'm one of the Gorons, the stone-eating people who live on Death Mountain," the creature told Link.

"Wow!" Link exclaimed, "I can believe it! Not only is it alive, but it eats rocks too!"

"…Uhhh…" Navi looked from Link, to the Goron; the Goron looked mildly offended.
 
"Navi!" Link tugged on Navi's wing, "Can we keep it?! Pleeeeaasssee?"

"Look at this huge boulder over there!" the Goron gestured towards the rock, "It blocks the entrance to the Dodongo's Cavern, which was once a very important place for us Gorons…"

"Once?" Navi asked, "But not anymore?"

"But one day, many dodongos suddenly appeared inside the cavern. It became a very dangerous place," the Goron assured her.

"But you just said it's called Dodongo's Cavern," Navi said, "Doesn't that imply that there were Dodongos there to begin with, making it an already dangerous place?"

"…" the Goron paused, "Anyways, on top of the appearance of the Dodongos—"

"Which were there from the start," Navi interrupted.

"—a Gerudo in black armor used magic to seal the entrance with that boulder!" the Goron put his hands on his hips, "If you want to hear more Goron gossip head on up to our city. Goron city is just a little bit farther up the trail. It won't take much longer to get there, even on foot."

Link's face lit up, "They even gossip too!"

"Thanks for your advice…" Navi sighed, "But I think we'll manage on our own…"

"Oh, okay!" the Goron forced a smile.

Link tapped the Goron on the shoulder, "But Mister Goron, sir, if you eat rocks, why don't you just eat this one?"

Link pointed over his shoulder to the boulder. It looked sturdy and solid…like every other rock in the area. To break the awkward silence that ensued, Navi grabbed hold of Link's ear again, and dragged him up the trail.
________________________________________________________________________
 
Link entered Goron's City against his will. Navi had him by the ear still, and dragged him through the entrance before letting him go. Once she had let him go, he immediately took advantage from his newly found freedom and ran onto a small platform.

This platform was suspended over the heart of the city by three thick ropes and nothing else. Navi flew after him. Link made himself comfortable on the platform. Suddenly, he noticed a Goron standing beside him. The Goron gazed intently at an empty pedestal. The Goron sighed and glanced to the side. He jumped at the site of Link, and fell off the platform.

"Whoops," Link muttered.

Somehow the Goron made it back to the platform, looking disheveled.

"Hey!" the Goron exclaimed, "It's dangerous for a little like you to come out here. You might fall down! If I'm not mistaken, you came out here to eat the red stone."

"Whoa! How did you get out here? I mean, there is no way you could have tightrope walked over here!" Link shouted.

"Yes, we are…" Navi replied, "We only came out onto this little chunk of a rock to dig our little fangs into some red stone, while we hope not to shatter our teeth."

The Goron glared at Navi, "Well, too bad. It's not here."

"But that's not why we're here," Link told the Goron.

"What? That's not why you're here?" the Goron asked.

"Seriously, does it look like we're out here to eat rocks?" Navi asked, "Sure, we're looking for the Spiritual Stone of Fire, but—"

"You're looking for a 'Spiritual Stone'? You must mean the delicious-looking red stone that was once displayed here," the Goron exclaimed.

Navi examined the Goron from head to toe, "It's a good thing you didn't get to the Spiritual Stone before it was taken, or else the princess would—"

"What happened to the Stone though?" Link asked, "If you didn't eat it, then that means that it's gotta be around here somewhere…"

Link started a thorough search around the platform.

"I was so hungry that I thought it would be okay to give it one tiny little lick… So I snuck out here. But it was already gone!" the Goron explained.

"It didn't fall down here…" Link was now crawling around on the ground, "And there's nothing else around here except this stupid pedestal…"

"I wouldn't be surprised if one of these other boulders hijacked it already…" Navi pointed to other Gorons below.

"I think Big Brother took it away. He always says that everyone is after that red stone. Big Brother has shut himself up in his room saying: 'I will wait here for the Royal Family's Messenger'," the Goron explained.

"Hmmm…Perhaps we can bribe this 'big brother' to give the stone to us…" Navi said.

Link glared at Navi, "No."

The Goron scratched his head, "I wonder why I never thought of that."

"Come on, Link, we've got to try something," Navi said.

"Fine, but no more bribing!" Link exclaimed.
 
Link, in a burst of determination, jumped off the platform. There was a resound splat-like sound that echoed throughout the city. Fortunately this only knocked off two and three-quarters of Link's hearts. After the boy scavenged the city's pottery for hearts, Link decided to sooth his aching feet on a plush carpet.

"Hmmm, this carpet's outside a sealed door," Navi said, "Link, I think you're resting on someone's doormat."

"I don't care," Link muttered, "You and your 'We have to try something!' caused me to almost break my legs."

"Please, you couldn't break your legs in this game if you tried," Navi said, "Anyway, I wonder if this is the door to the room of this 'big brother' that the Goron was talking about?"

"I don't care, my toes are in Nayru's Haven," Link grinned, "Look at them wiggle all happy-like. Navi, I should buy a carpet like this."

"I wonder…that guy said that his 'big brother' would only open the door for the Royal Family's Messenger…I wonder," Navi muttered, "Link play your ocarina!"

"Why?" he whined.

"Because, even though we're not her royal messenger—we're her jewelry collectors—we could probably impersonate someone important," Navi said.

"Fine!"

Link pulled out his ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. The sealed door slid open slowly. It was very dark inside. Link crawled in slowly.

"Link, what are you doing?" Navi asked.

"My feet still hurt," Link answered.

Navi and Link entered. Once inside, they saw a stone room with sparse furnishings. At the far end of the room, Link saw a muscular Goron. His face was twenty times more intimidating than that of the average Goron. This was probably due to crabby expression, and his overgrown beard.
 
"Look, Navi, that Goron has a forest for a beard!" Link whispered loudly.

"What the heck? Who are you?" the larger Goron demanded.

"Hi there!" Link said on all fours, "I'm Link! And this is Navi!"

"Hmm," Navi paused, "Judging by his somewhat authoritative posture and the fact that he has is own room… I'm assuming that you are this 'Big Brother', we've heard about? Now, from what we understand, you've taken the Spiritual Stone of Fire into your custody. We're wondering if you're willing to hand it over to us."

Link paused, "Ummm, Navi? Could you repeat that, but slooowwlly?"

The Larger Goron blinked, "When I heard the song of the Royal Family, I expected their messenger had arrived, but…you're just a little kid!"

"See, I told you it wouldn't work," Link said.

"Well, if you had looked a little more important and official, instead of crawling on the ground, it might have worked," Navi snapped.

"I resent that!" Link put his hands on his hips, and landed flat on his face.

"Actually, I'm older of the two of us," Navi flew over to the Goron's shoulder, "Now, about the Spiritual Stone. I think we can arrange a trade, for a small fee?"

"Has Darunia, the big boss of the Gorons, really lost so much status to be treated like this by his sworn brother, the King?" The Larger Goron asked, "Now I'm really angry! Get out of my face, now!"

Navi turned red and began bobbing up and down, "I'm willing to offer you a perfectly reasonable bribe! Yet you keep responding to whatever we say with such negative and rude comments! Why are you so snappy?"

"Navi, stop that," Link tried to snatch Navi from the air, "You promised!"

"Are you asking why I'm in such a bad mood right now?" Darunia snapped.

Navi flew up to Darunia's face, "That's generally the definition to snappy!"

"Ancient creatures have infested Dodongo's Cavern; we've had a poor harvest of our special crop, bomb flowers; starvation and hunger because of the rock shortage!" Darunia snapped, "But…this is a Goron problem. We don't need any help from strangers."

"Oh yeah!? You think that's bad?! Then listen to what's happened to me!" Navi hissed, "I've been assigned to a complete idiot of a Kokiri; the Great Deku Tree died; I've inherited all his money, yet I can't go on a shopping spree because some messed up Princess told Link here to go get her jewelry! But when the tables finally turn, and I get to bribe us into getting up this stupid mountain, not only do I have to swear never to bargain with the Black Market again, but now I'm listening to some grumpy Goron complain about some itty bitty problems that no one really cares about!"

"WHAT?!" Darunia screamed, "I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN!!"

"Love to!" Navi hissed, "I've been—"

"Okay, okay, clam down," Link stood between the two, "Why don't we all take a deeep breath and listen to a nice, quiet song."
 
Link rummaged through his pockets and pulled out his ocarina. He then played Saria's song the two arguers. The camera crew closed in on Darunia's face, where he had a mixed expression plastered. Suddenly, Darunia broke out into a large grin and began dancing wildly on the spot. Link, not expecting this reaction out of this particular Goron, slowly backed away, while Navi found herself mindlessly bobbing up and down to the catchy beat of the tune.

"Oh! Oh-oh!" Darunia exclaimed.

"Hey, that actually kind of worked!" Link smiled.

"Wait, you're right," Navi said, "You've managed to calm down this lump of clay with just this song. What made you think of doing it?"

"Come on!" Darunia grinned, "Come on, come on, come on!"

Link shrugged, "Saria used to play this song after Mido and I beat each other up, or got in a really bad fight."

"Really?" Navi asked.

"HOT! What a hot beat!" Darunia danced on, "Whoaho!!!"

"Yeah. But Mido's dance moves were much worse than his," Link pointed at Darunia.

"Yeahaw!!!! Yahoo!" Darunia exclaimed.

Perhaps it was the dance Darunia had done, or perhaps it was a mess up down by the camera crew, but the when the camera was swung upside down it had somehow had gotten stuck in position. And, though it took a few minutes to take into effect, the gravity of the world swung itself around to fix itself with the camera. Link, Navi, and Darunia all fell towards the ceiling.

Though no one could see it, it was later discovered that this disaster effected the entire Land of Hyrule. There were several horror stories that resulted from this incident. Link got up off of his back and looked up to the floor.

"What the heck happened?!" Link rubbed his behind.

Darunia paused, "…I can't say this has happened before… I hope it doesn't last…"

"You hope it doesn't last?!" Navi asked, "The world's just been turned upside-down, and you can't FIX it?!"

"Of course not!" Darunia said, "What would you do in this situation?!"

"What about the people outside?!" Link yelled. "They are now falling into nothingness!"

"The sky, Link," Navi said, "Not nothingness."

"I am open to any suggestions you may have," Darunia stated.

"I've got one!" Link yelled, "Do something!"

"Well… At least that was a nice tune! Just like that, my depression was all gone," Darunia grinned.

"…That's not very productive to our current situation…" Navi said.

"Something came over me," Darunia said.

"Umm, let's see," Link paused, "Oh yeah, the ground?!"

"Suddenly, I wanted to dance like crazy," Darunia said.

"We don't bloody care! Get us off the ceiling!" Link and Navi screamed in unison.

"I might be able to solve this if you destroy all the monsters in Dodongo's Cavern," Darunia explained.

"What?!" Link huffed, "Destroy them all? That would take a really, really long time! Like, hours!"

"More like years, Link," Navi turned to Darunia, "Besides, the Dodongo extinction is not on our list of things to do, thank you. Last time I checked the King of Hyrule had listed them under the Protected Monsters Act enacted in the ninety-eighth year."

"It would solve our starvation problems," Darunia said, "And I would give you anything you wish for."

"That's not high on our list of our priorities right now," Navi pointed to the floor above them.

"You're just trying to get rid of us, aren't you?" Link asked.

"What? Would you rather stay on the ceiling forever?" Darunia asked.

"…Fine, we'll do it…" Link sighed, "I'm kinda bored anyway."

"Link, there are plenty of things one can do on the ceiling," Navi said, "For example, watch fires burn up the wood on their torches."

Navi pointed to a torch in the corner of what used to be the floor. Sure enough, the flame that was there previously was now burning out of control up the wooden post. Link sighed, turned and climbed up to the edge of the entrance.

"Wait! I'd like to give you this for your troubles. If you wear this, even a little fella like you can pick up a bomb flower using 'A'," Darunia called out.

Link paused, "…What in Farore's name is 'A'?"

"Link, 'A' is the beginning letter of the English Alphabet," Navi explained, "Though, I'm not quite sure what it has to do with what we were talking about."

Link blinked, "Navi?"

"Yes, Link?"

"What's 'English'?" Link said.

Navi paused, "…I have no clue…"

Before anyone could say anything more, Darunia threw something like a football through the air and… DUH DUH DUH NUUUUUUHHHH!! Link received Goron's Bracelet! Though it's a fashion accessory, it's not very creatively decorated…

"Destroy the monsters in Dodongo's Cavern and become a real man. Then we can talk about the Spiritual Stone," Darunia said.

"Be-Become a real man?!" Navi stuttered, "Link's thirteen! He can't become a real man for five more years!"

"Yup," Link said, "He's trying to get rid of us."

When Link walked out of the room he was in, he found himself plummeting towards what used to be the ceiling. Navi grabbed hold of Link's ears and pulled so Link wouldn't lose too many hearts when he fell. When Link landed, he found that several of the other Gorons around the city were wandering about aimlessly. Many of them were quite puzzled.

"Let's go inside Dodongo's Cavern using a bomb flower," Navi's body jolted when she said this, "This is not good…"

Link paused, "But if we use a bomb flower, like you said, the we should be able to blow up the rock outside the entrance."

"That's not the problem now, Link," Navi said, "The entrance to the cavern is now attached to the ceiling of…'outside' I guess would be the appropriate word…"

"Oh, now that is a problem," Link snapped his fingers, "Maybe you could fly out there and solve the dungeon by yourself! Yeah! That'll work!"

"Can't be done, Link," Navi said, "You're the hero in this story, not me."

"Riiigghhhtt…" Link said, "Could carry me then?"

"Link, don't be ridiculous," Navi said.

"Fine," Link said, "I'll just sit here then until we're back on the floor again."

Link was about to sit cross-legged on the ceiling when Navi grabbed hold of Link's ears and flew outside with him. Navi, losing her grip a couple of times, and having to catch the falling Hylian, flew over to the entrance of the cave.

The cave was standing wide open and our heroes figured that the rock must have fallen into the sky once gravity had been turned upside down. Navi placed Link on the ceiling of the cave's mouth, and together they ventured into the dungeon that lay beyond…
________________________________________________________________________

When our heroes entered this cavern—Dodongo's Cavern to be exact—they found themselves in a sticky situation. Not only was the entire dungeon upside down, and had lava falling down from above, but the bomb flowers, chests, and puzzles all remained plastered to the ceiling too.

This, as you can imagine, made the entire dungeon almost impossible to beat. However, Navi was with Link, and since her small body had an unreal amount of strength, Link was able to get through this dungeon even though he wasn't supposed to.

Anyways, after a long battle with a giant Dodongo, Link stepped into the blue light that appeared in the center of the room, and was warped outside. Link noticed that he was not falling to his untimely death, and our heroes found themselves quite relieved. Darunia fell from the sky.
 
"It's me, Darunia! I've finally got the gravity set right!" Darunia grinned.

"We can be thankful for that," Navi panted.

Navi flew into Link's hat. As anyone could tell, Navi was exhausted from carrying the little thirteen-year-old around an entire dungeon.

"But wait…" Link pointed toward the entrance to the cavern, "We technically never destroyed the boulder blocking the hole… What happened to it?"

Darunia shrugged as the boulder continued to orbit around the planet.

Darunia turned to Link, "Well done!"

Darunia started beating on his chest, in a similar fashion as you would expect from a gorilla. Darunia then patted Link on the back with such force that he fell over from impact. Navi swore.

"Thanks to you, we can once again eat the delicious rocks from the Dodongo's Cavern until our stomachs burst!" Darunia said.

"Is that necessarily a good thing?" came from Link's hat.

"What a wild adventure. It will make an incredible story…" Darunia paused.

"You'd better believe it," Link lifted up his arm from the ground, "What with the ceilings and stuff."

"I can't believe that the Dodongos suddenly appeared in such great numbers," Darunia said.

"Well, now that Link and I have effectively destroyed the breeding program enacted to preserve the species…" came Navi's muffled voice.

"And that big rock blocking the cave… All this trouble must have been caused by that Gerudo thief, Ganondorf! He said: 'Give me the Spiritual Stone only then will I open the cave for you.' You on the other hand risked your life for us…" Darunia said.

"You're worried about that?!" Link's hat yelled, "We just had a global crisis for Farore's sake!"

Darunia paused for a second, "Kid, I like you. How's about you and I become Sworn Brothers?"

Link sat up, "But Navi did all the hard work…"

"Look mister!" Navi flew out of Link's hat, "We have yet to go on our shopping spree in Hyurle Castle Town. Not to mention we're being employed to get jewelry for a princess. We frankly don't have time for any big, long ceremonies in our schedules—"

"Oh, no, there's no big ceremony involved, just take this as a token of our friendship!" Darunia smiled.

Darunia raised his hands up to the sky, and… DUH DUH DUH NUH NUH, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH!!! Link got the Spiritual Stone of Fire!!

"Brother, you keep brushing up on your skills as you travel, won't you? You should go see the Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain. She will power you up," Darunia said.

"Okay! Why not?" Link smiled, "After all, I've seen a lot of fairies before, so this one shouldn't look much different!"

"Say, if Darunia gave you the Spiritual Stone as a token of friendship, and he's Sworn Brothers with the King…" Navi paused, "Does this mean that Darunia has multiple Spiritual Stones of Fire?"

"Uhh…." Darunia bit his lip.

"And does this mean I'm brothers with the King now, too?" Link gasped, "That would make Zelda my niece!"

Darunia paused, "Erm, hey everybody, let's see off our Brother!"
 
Darunia turned to the sky. All of a sudden a Goron fell down. And another one. Navi deduced that these Gorons were ones who had fallen to the sky earlier, and had just fallen back down. Instead of being dead, like one expected, the two Gorons uncurled and approached Link with their arms open.
 
"You did great," the Gorons exclaimed, "How 'bout a big Goron hug?"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Link screamed, "Why does everyone keep wanted to mob me?"
 
Link bolted in the general direction of Kakariko Village. Unfortunately, a third Goron fell from the sky, uncurled, and came toward Link, effectively blocking his way. Link then made a sharp turn, and headed up the trail to flee from the crowd.

What Link didn't know was that this pathway led to the summit of Death Mountain, where this 'Great Fairy' lived. So Link kept charging away from the crowd of Gorons until he eventually went straight into the fountain where this fairy lived.
________________________________________________________________________

When Link entered the Fairy Fountain, he saw a pedestal with the Triforce symbol on it. Link stood on the symbol and played Zelda's Lullaby. Suddenly, out of the center of the fountain, a large woman with pronged, pink hair, twirled out from the water, shrieking like a witch.

The camera panned over the woman's body to reveal that the only clothing that this woman wore was a long pair of boots, and a sparse layer of vines that covered her entire body. She strutted her lack of clothing openly in front of the innocent child before her.
 
"Welcome, Link!" she smiled suggestively, "I am the Great Fairy of Power."

"EGADS!" Navi yelled.

"She's dressed worse than Impa!" Link screamed.

Navi flew in front of Link's face and covered his innocent eyes.

The 'Great Fairy' spoke louder, "I am going to grant you a sword technique. Receive it now."

Navi glared at the woman, "You're severely underdressed in front of a minor! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Oh, the pictures in my head!" Link moaned, "Make them stop!"

"…When you charge the power from a spin attack, magic power will be consumed. Pay attention to your green magic meter," the 'Great Fairy' said, "Hey boy, you're a messenger of the Royal Family aren't you?"

Link clawed Navi's hand from his eye for a second, "Why should I tell you?!"

"…I can tell. Next time you're in their neighborhood, you should drop by on a friend of mine who lives by Hyrule Castle. She'll surely grant you another new power," the 'Great Fairy' said.

Navi cringed at the sight, "It wouldn't be so bad if she was at least moderately pretty…"

"When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me," the woman said.

"Never!" Link shook his fist.

And thus the 'Great Fairy' shrank away back into the center of the fountain—shrieking. Navi unclasped her hands from Link's eyes and they went outside. What they found, to their displeasure, was that Random Owl perched on a sign.

"Hoo Hoot! Well, it looks like you've grown up a little from the Great Fairy's power…" the Random Owl stated.
 
"Really?" Link smiled, and then promptly tried to measure himself.

"Wait! You again!?" Navi said, "You really are a stalker!"

"Stop calling me a stalker!" the Random Owl protested.

"Look, a stalker qualifies as a person, or in this case, animal, who follows a person around," Navi said, "And we've seen you on our journey, in more and more places—too many places for it to be a coincidence anymore. I'm sorry, you random owl, but you are the flying definition of a stalker."

"Yeah!" Link piped up.

"…But you still don't look like the hero who will save Hyrule. At least not yet!" the Random Owl said.

"Stop ignoring me!" Navi yelled.

"If you are going back down the mountain, I can lend you a wing!" the Random Owl said.

"Fine… I'm bored of being up here," Link said.

"L-Link!" Navi protested, "He's a stalker! We can't encourage this kind of interactio—"

"Come here and grab my talons. Hold on tight! Hoo hooooot!" the Random Owl hooted.
 
Link walked underneath the Random Owl's legs, and grabbed hold of his talons. With Navi following close behind, Link flew down to Kakariko. The Random Owl set Link down on top of a building in the village. Before the Owl flew away again, Link stuck a bomb in his talons.