Link: Oh look a windmill, Can we go Navi?

Navi Nah lets try asking around town to see where to go next.  

Link: (Places hand on a random door knob ready to walk in.) 

Navi: Link you just can’t go Barging into Peoples homes and expect them to give you Information. 

Link: Sure I can just watch me. 

Navi: No! (quickly follows him inside) 

Link: (already sitting down having tea with the lady who lives there) So all I have to do is take the road to the left us this house all the way up until I get to Death Mountain? 

Navi: ... 

Lady: (sip sip) Oh no, dearie. Death Mountain is dangerous, and is restricted to Royal Family members only, you cute little thing you. 

Link: Ha! I won't have to worry about that. (stands up defiantly and points to himself) I'm the Hero of Time! 

Lady: Of course you are, dear. Cookie? 

Link: (takes one off the plate) Thanks! Bye! (runs out) 

Lady: Toodles, dear! Be careful with that sword; it looks dangerous! 

Link: (slams the door) 

Lady: What a nice young man. 

Link: (outside) Well, we'll go up this- 

Chicken Lady: (pops out of nowhere directly in front of Link, stopping him in his tracks) Oh no! I lost all my chickens! 

Link: (whispering to Navi) That's not all she's lost... 

Navi: (nods) Chicken Lady: I lost all my chickens, but I don't want to look for them... (grabs Link violently by the shirt) YOU FIND MY CHICKENS!!! FIND THEM! 

Link: Okay, okay! We'll find your stinking chickens! Sheesh! 

Chicken Lady: (instantly resuming her sweet gentle nature) Thank you. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Gerudo Desert... 

Ganon: (lying on a couch) I mean, I don't TRY to be evil... just look at things from my point of view... I grew up in a family with 14 sisters, and my dad was almost sixty years old. I had to always fight to get my way, and it didn't help that all my sisters were skilled thieves! Any money I made, they would steal, and... and... (begins to cry) 

Psychiatrist: There, there, Mr. Ganondorf... (offering him a tissue) 

Ganon: (blows nose, trumpeting loudly) Can't I have things my way for once in my life!? All I want is the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time so I can get the Triforce and rule Hyrule forever! (sniff sniff) 

Psychiatrist: I understand where you're coming from, Ganondorf, and what you're trying to say, but maybe you should try a different approach. Instead of causing all these problems for people, maybe you could help them out, and after getting on their good side- 

Ganon: (finishing his sentence) I could kill them all off and take it from them! 

Psychiatrist: Well, no... I meant you could politely ask for the stone. 

Ganon: (suddenly becoming very angry) 

Psychiatrist: Umm... I mean... your idea is good, Mr. Ganondorf sir, but... it just doesn't seem to be working. 

Ganon: (snaps his fingers, and four armed guards come in and begin to drag the psychiatrist away) 

Psychiatrist: YOUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME WILL NEVER SUCCEED! THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME WILL STOP Y- Several shots are heard, and the Psychiatrist speaks no more. 

Ganon: That's exactly what Dr. Phil said. I mean what kind of Doctor puts his Confidential patients interviews on t.v. What a loser. If you want to see my interview tune in next week. 

Back in Kakariko Village... 

Link: (tired and sweaty, he gathers up his last bit of energy and tosses the uncooperative chicken into the coop) There... that's... the last one... 

Chicken Lady: Oh, thank you! You found my chickens! 

Link: Why couldn't you have (gasp pant) just found them yourself (wheeze)? 

Chicken Lady: I'm allergic to chickens. 

Link: Then why do you have them at all?! 

Chicken Lady: (ignoring him) Besides that, I wouldn't have been able to give you this wonderful reward! 

Link: (perks up) Oh yeah! Jackpot! 

Chicken Lady: Let's see here... (rummaging through a coin purse)... ah, here it is. (puts a single rupee in his hand) 

Link: (looks down at the rupee, and back at the lady) 

Chicken Lady: (smiling) Thank you! 

Link: Chicken lady, that's really nice, but I'd like a little bit more. 

Chicken Lady: Well I'm sorry, honey, but that's all your getting. (smiles) 

Link: What's that? You say you want to be disemboweled? (beginning to unsheathe sword) 

Chicken Lady: Um... no, I said you aren't getting a better reward... 

Link: (unsheathing it more) Gee lady, it sure sounded like you said you wanted to die today. I'd be much abliged to help you... (takes the sword out of the scabbard, resulting in a pleasant *SHING*, and the sunlight reflects off the shiny surface as Link turns it around) 

Chicken Lady: (sweating profusely) Oh, what was I thinking? Here, you can have this. It's made out of fine glass. (carefully puts a bottle in Link's hands) There! Just keep it! Keep it, and leave me alone! 

Link: (sheathing his sword again) Oh, you said you wanted to give me a betterreward for my troubles! I'm sorry, I'm kind of hard-of-hearing. Thank you. (walks off) 

Navi: Haha! You sure showed that crazy chicken lady! 

 Link: Yes. Yes I did. 

At the entrance to Death Mountain... 

Link: Hey Guard guy, can I get through? 

Guard: No sir, you must be a member of the Royal Family to get through. 

Link: (suavely takes out a piece of paper) Will, uh... ehehe... will THIS work? (smiles confidently) 

Guard: This is a receipt for one can of "Fairy-off" fairy killer. 

Navi: (Glares at Link) 

Link: ...(quickly grabs it from his hand and replaces it with Zelda's Letter) What are you talking about?! It's obviously a letter from Princess Zelda, telling all to let me do whatever I want, or they're fish food. I would never buy, endorse, or otherwise donate anything in any way to any fairy-killing substance. (winks at Guard) 

Guard: (rubs his fingers together like waiters do when they want a tip) 

Link: (glares at him, and quickly slips him 10 rupees) 

Guard: (smiles and pockets them) Oh yes, my mistake. It was a letter from Princess Zelda after all. It says, "This is Link... he is under my orders to save Hyrule. He's also a big stupid idiot who can't fight fair and screams like a girl, and wishes he was me so he could boss people around." 

Link: Hey! It doesn't say that! 

Guard: See for yourself. (hands it back to him) 

Link: (reading quietly) ......Ooh, that Zelda! I'll get her! (crumples up the letter)

Guard: Well, an order is an order. Go on ahead, Mr. Hero. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Link: (cursing the guard under his breath, he walks through the gate) 

Guard: Hey, Mr. Hero, wait a second! 

Link: Grr... what do you want now?! Guard: If you go up the mountain with that shield you won't survive for a second. Go back to Hyrule Castle Town and find the Bazaar; they have the shield you need. 

Link: Okay. (walks back down the hill) 

Guard: Hey, wait, I have something else to tell you. 

Link: (sighs, and walks back) What? 

Guard: You know the Happy Mask Shop? They just opened. They let you borrow masks, sell them, and you can bring back the money for however much it costs. They have this one mask call the Keaton Mask, and I really-I mean, my SON really wants it... yeah. My son. 

Link: Well, you were a real jerk. I don't think I'm going to get it for you. 

Guard: Please! I have to stand here all my life; I don't have a choice! Think of my son, uh... Jimmy! 

Link: Well, okay... but only because you warned me about the shield thing. (starts back down the hill) 

Guard: I probably should have told him he can find a free shield in the graveyard, but... feh. Oh well. 

Half a week later, Link comes back with a Hylian Shield on his back, and the Keaton Mask. 

Guard: Hehehe, looks like the shield's a little big for you, Mr. Hero. 

Link: Shut up. Do you want your mask or not? Guard: Ooh ooh, yes! The Keaton Mask! That's the one! My, uh... SON will be very happy. 

Link: Right. Well, see ya. (walks up the mountain) 

Guard: (waits until he's out of sight, then puts the Mask on himself and giggles) 

On Death Mountain Trail... 

Link: You know, for a mountain, this sure is easy to climb. I don't even need to find any footholds or anything, it's one little route all the way up. 

Navi: Yeah, you would have expected that Death Mountain would actually be... you know... mountainous. 

Link: It is uphill, though, which is still hard. I'm gonna sit and rest for a while. (sits on a rock and takes out a bottle of water) 

Rock: (gets up) 

Link: AUUGGHH! (quickly jumps off the "rock") 

"Rock": Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks. 

Link: ... 

Navi: From now on, Link, expect that the first member of any race you meet will automatically sense your unfamiliarity with them and explain the intricacies of their ways to you, out of the blue. They will then begin to tell you about the problems their race has, probably hoping with all their heart that you will be the one to save them. 

Random, Unidentified Goron #1: We eat rocks, but this boulder here is blocking the entrance to Dodongo's Cavern, where the most nutritious rocks come from. 

Link: ..."nutritious rocks"? 

Random, Unidentified Goron #1: Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks. 

Link: ... 

Navi: Also expect members of each race to only mutter one or two sentences to you, no matter what you say to them. 

Link: ...Oooookaaaay.... I'm about done resting now... (backs away slowly, then turns around and runs away) 

After about five minutes of running, they have come to the entrance to Goron City. 

Link: (breathing heavily) Okay... I really need to rest now... (sits down) 

Navi: According to the map, the entrance to Goron City is... that way. (points to the entrance) 

Link: Nonono, I say it's that way! (points to a dead end) 

Navi: Fine. Whatever. Don't listen to me; I'm just an omniscient fairy. 

Link: (walking to where he pointed) Hmm... hey look, a weird plant! (tries to pick it up) Grr, it's a toughie! (pulling harder) 

Big Boulder Beside the Weird Plant: (gets up, it as at least twice the size of the previous Goron) 

Link: AUUUGGGHHH! 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks. 

Link: Yeah, I know, it's just that you're a lot bigger than the other Goron we met. 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Oh. Yeah, we fluctuate in size greatly. Anyway, you're probably wondering what that plant there is. 

Link: ...Well, not really, but I would like to know. 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: It's a Bomb Flower. They grow in dark, damp places, so Bomb Flowers in a location like this are extremely rare. I'm shielding it from the sun. 

Link: How noble. 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Yes. Do you have any other questions for me? 

Link: Yeah, where do babies come from? (snicker snicker) 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Umm... Bomb Flowers like these usually grow in Dodongo's Cavern, but right now a bunch of Dodongos showed up, and this big boulder appeared, so we can't get into it. 

Link: Yeah that's nice and all, but I asked about- 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Yeahokayseeya! (resumes his rock-like position) 

Link: (stands there for a moment, then knocks on it) Hello? 

Navi: Forget about it, Link. Let's just go to Goron City. Besides, I don't have any jokes left about this guy. 

Link: Okay. (walks into Goron city, sees lots of rock things/Gorons) Okay, so we'll justAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! (falls all the way down to the bottom level) ...Erggh.... 

Navi: HA HA HA YOUR SO STUPID 

Link: (Gets up and dusts himself off) Shut Up. (Sits down on a Goron) 

Goron: (gets up) I'm hungry! I want the rocks from Dodongo's Cavern! 

Link: (On Ground) Yeah yeah, shut up, just be patient. (Gets Up) 

Goron: Big Brother locked himself in his room and said, "I will wait here until The Royal Family's Messenger comes!" 

Link: Hey, that's me! I'm the Royal Family's Messenger! 

Goron: Oh yeah?! Well you also have to figure out how to get INTO his room! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (disappears in a puff of smoke and hellish fire) 

Link: ...Um.... 

Navi: (turns green and flies near the rug on the locked door) I sense that this rug has something to do with opening the door! Link: Hmm, you may be right Navi. 

Navi: Since he's waiting for the Royal Family's Messenger, why don't you play that Royal Song you just learned? Maybe that will open the door! 

Link: Nah, I got a better idea. (lifts up the rug and pulls out a key) See, it was under the rug the whole time! 

Navi: ...Shut up. 

 Link: (unlocks the door and walks in; the room is totally dark) Hey, where is everything? 

Suddenly, the torches light up, and you can see that "No rocks from Dodongo's Cavern make Big Brother go crazy" is scribbled over every inch of every wall and all over the ceiling. 

Link: Well that's pretty unusual... 

Voice From Undetermined Source: This is Big Brother. The boy in the green tunic could you please stop picking your nose. 

Link: Oh Sorry (Wipes finger on a couch) Hey! Who said that!? 

Voice From Undetermined Source: Big Brother is watching you... 

Link: Show yourself! 

Voice From Undetermined Source: Big Brother is watching you.... 

Link: STOP SAYING THAT! And who's Big Brother?! 

Voice From Undetermined Source: I am! (hops into view from the closet) 

Link: Woah! 

Big Brother: My Goron friends call me Big Brother, but my name is Darunia. Hey, aren't you supposed to be the Royal Family's Messenger?! You're just a kid! Get lost!

Link: But- Darunia: Get out of my face, now! Link: Wait, I have a question. Can I have the Spiritual Stone of Fire? 

Darunia: ... 

Outside Darunia's Room... 

Link: (flies out the door and slams into the opposite wall) 

Darunia: And stay out! (slams the door) Navi: (whispering to Link) Maybe you should try to cheer him up before you ask him to give you his most prized possession. 

Link: No. He was a jerk. I'll just kill him and take it from him. 

Navi: (gets in Link's face and speaks gravely) You will play Saria's Song for him and like it. 

Link: ...O-okay. (walks back in Darunia's Room) 

Darunia: Hey! I told you never to come back! 

Link: Yeah, whatever. Here's a pretty song for you. (takes out the Ocarina and plays Saria's Song) 

Darunia: ...(begins to dance like crazy) Wahoo! Oh yeah! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! YEEEEEAH! HOT! What a hot beat! (shakes his butt) 

Link: (whispers to Navi) Told you he was gay. 

Navi: (nods assent) 

Darunia: (stops dancing) Suddenly, just like that, my depression is gone! I suddenly had the urge to dance! Now I'm all happy and gitty!  

Link: Yeah I’m sure you did. (Mutters under breath) gay. 

Darunia: So you want the Spiritual Stone, eh? Well, how about you clear up our little problem for us? Go kill all the Dodongos in Dodongo's Cavern. 

Link: NO! I REFUSE! THAT IS GOING TOO FAR! (looks at Navi) 

Navi: (gives him the scariest evil-eye ever) 

Link: Umm... ehehe... I mean, sure! I'll do it right now! 

Darunia: Wait! I want to give you this, for no reason at all, besides the fact that you couldn't defeat the Dodongos and would surely die in the cavern without this. Here. (gives him the Goron's Bracelet) Now you can pull up Bomb Flowers. 

Link: Okay, thanks. (leaves) 

At the Bomb Flower on Death Mountain Trail: 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Hey, what are you doing?! 

Link: I'm going to use this Bomb Flower to blow up that boulder down there.

 Random, Unidentified Goron #2: ...Oh. I wonder why I never though of that. 

Link: Probably cuz you're a big stupid idiot. (drops the bomb)

 Random, Unidentified Goron #1 (is sitting by the boulder): [BOOM] AUUGGGHHH! (dies)

Link: Heheh... oops. THAT'S probably why you never though of that. (drops another one)[BOOM] 

The boulder explodes into a million jillion pieces, so tiny that all traces and fragments of the boulder disappear forever. 

Link: Direct hit! Ha ha! (drops down and walks into Dodongo's Cavern) 

Navi: Well ya killed someone how do you feel? 

Link: Same as normal. In this modern day no one really cares what happens to anyone. I bet in the future they try to figure out how people die with something called “Forensics” they probably use fingerprints and D.N.A to find out who killed them. 

Navi: Yeah and they may have things like E-mail that can contact people on the other side of the world with-in seconds. 

Link: Navi. You know as well as me that that is impossible. 

Navi: Aww I was trying to get in the heat of the moment. 

Link: Never mind now how do we get over there (points towards big Dodongo skull)Navi: (Sarcastic) By walking 

Link: Shut up and go get a life  

Navi: Shut up 

A few hours later 

Link: (Scorching) Well that was easy. 

Navi: Yeah. Who knew you had to throw bombs in its mouth.  

Link: Yeah well now lets find Darunia and get that last spiritual stone. 

Darunia: (Sneaks up behind Link) BOO 

Link: WAUGH (Falls over) Don’t do that. 

Darunia: (Ignoring Link) Well kid that was great but you didn’t destroy all the Dodongo’s in the Cavern. 

Link: Hey its not my fault they reappear once you leave the room. 

Darunia: We had a deal. No Stone unless you get rid of ALL the Dodongo’s. 

Link: (Looks up at Darunia innocent looking) I’m sorry Darunia. I’m just a little boy that can’t do things properly. 

Darunia: Awwww (Gives Link a bone crushing hug) 

Link: (Struggling to breathe but manages a Smile at Darunia) 

Darunia: Awwww shucks. Now run along there. 

Link: (Smiles and runs off down the trail towards Kakariko Village) 

Later…….. In Goron City 

Darunia: Awww maybe I should give the stone to him. After all he did risk his life for us. (Searches Pockets) Augh it must be in here somewhere. (Suddenly Realises) Oh no. He. Wouldn’t  

Somewhere in Hyrule Field. Somewhere in the Distance they hear a scream of Rage. 

Navi: What was that? 

Link: He he I dunno (pockets the Spiritual stone)   

Navi: Now where to? 

Link: Dunno.  

Navi: Why don’t you ask Saria? 

Link: You know that’s a good idea. (Pulls out Ocarina) 

Navi: Wait what happened to the Cell Phone? 

Link: Do you know how much long distance call cost. Jez Navi use your head. 

Navi: ???!!!!!????? I give up. 

Somewhere in the Gerudo Valley

 Ganondorf: Position yourself. Ready for attack. Then ……… SWING (He swings his Golf Club and the Golf Ball goes flying into Hyrule Field) 

Caddy: Excellent Shot sir. 

Ganondorf: (Wearing Golf Clothes. Golf Hat Golf Vest Golf Shirt Golf Pants Glove on one hand) Yeah that was. Right on the Green. 

Caddy: Oh. I get a message that the Deku Tree no longer has the Spiritual stone. 

Ganondorf: Oh good he mailed it to us. 

Caddy: No uhhh he is dead and he gave it to someone else 

Ganondorf: WHAT!? (Swings and ball goes soaring towards Kakariko Village) 

In Kakariko Village 

Guy on Top of Tower: He He. I’m on top off the (Ball comes and smashes him in the head) AAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH (Falls off tower and dies)