In Zora’s River

Link: How does that song go again?

Navi: Just think it and blow you idiot.

Link: Oh yeah. (Plays Zelda’s Lullaby and a little tune sound off and the waterfall in front of him stops falling temporarily.)

Navi: See. You can do it.

Link: And it was you saying I couldn’t. Navi, You have a lot to learn.

Navi:....... I…………What…………….IT’S YOU THAT HAS TO LEARN THEM.

Link: (Ignoring Navi.) Hey look. Zora’s Domain is frozen!

Navi: Yeah. You're right.

Link: Now we can go ice-fishing.

Navi: ……..What?

Link: Ice-Fishing. You know cut a hole in the ice and drop a rod in.

Navi:……………………………………………………………That’s it. I give up.

Later in King Zora’s Room.

Link:………….I’m telling you Navi. You can do ic………………….(Notices King Zora frozen in red ice.)………………….Well there’s something you don’t see every day.

Navi: That’s red ice.

Link: Let me guess. I need BLUE fire to un-freeze him. (Starts laughing at his own joke.)Navi: Well actually………..Yes you do.

Link: (Stops laughing at once.) You just killed it Navi.

Navi: Who cares? Hey there is a path out behind him.

Link: Well let us push him out of the way. (Link and Navi (Well Navi flies.) run up to King Zora and push him out of the way. But he goes too far and into the wall where he shatters into a million pieces.)………………Whoops.

Navi: Oh Dear.

Link: Oh well. At least we don’t have to worry about him taking about 5 minutes to move anymore.

Navi: Good point.

In Zora’s Fountain.

Link: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Its soooooooooooo c-c-cold.

Navi: I’m OK. I’m a fairy.

Link: S-s-s-sh-u-t Up Na-v-i. (Grabs Navi and shoves her down his top where he warms up immediately.) Jez thanks Navi.

Navi: (Is passed out from Links B.O.)

Meanwhile in Kakkariko Village.

Al Qaeda: (Sneaking around. Ducking behind crates and trees whenever someone looks.) Hehe. No one would think to look for me here in this Zelda game.

Random Kid: (Walking around glancing at things but suddenly stops when he spots Al Qaeda.) Hey look. It’s a terrorist.

Al Qaeda: ……………..Oh crap. (Runs off but trips over a cuckoo on the way.) Owwwwwww. Damned thing. You die. (Pulls out a dagger and stabs the Cuckoo.) 

Cuckoo: (Falls to the ground, then gets back up and summons it’s group.)

Al Qaeda: (Sarcastic.) Oh no. I stabbed a cuckoo and it wants to kill me. Someone help.

 Al Qaeda looks around and the village is deserted with a few doors and windows slam in the distance.

Al Qaeda: Oh wait isn’t this the game where if you hurt cuckoo’s they attack……………………you…………………………….Oh no.

The cuckoo’s starts attacking him furiously. Until the bomb that was strapped to his chest goes off, kills the cuckoos and starts a fire. But anyway who cares about that place. Let’s get back to our Heroes who have passed the Tasks of the Ice Cavern and now stand outside the boss door.

Link: Ready Navi?

Navi: I was born ready.

Link: Actually you were a mistake.

Navi: Oh shut up and get in there.Link: (Walks through the door to find…………………nothing.)……Wait where’s the boss?

Navi: It’s here ………………………………..somewhere.

Suddenly a giant white wolfo jumps up and attacks Link.

Link:…………….A giant white wolfo is our boss. Damn this is going to be the easiest Sage to save ever. (The Wolfo runs up and slash at Link turning exposing it’s back, Link does a jump attack killing it instantly.) See. That’s their weak point. The Back.

Navi: I know coz I have told you a million times.

Link: Really? Well I haven’t been listening have I.

Navi: Oh you…………..

Sheik: (Jumps down and lands in front of the door.)

Link: …Ummmmmm Sheik are you the Sage of Ice?

Sheik: What?

Link: Are you the…..

Sheik: (Cuts Link off.) No I am not you idiot.

Link: Oh. Well then could you move so we could get past.

Sheik: Go open that chest then come back to me.

Link: *sigh* Alright. (Walks over and opens the Chest to find………….)

Navi: Iron Boots?

Link: That’s what the label says.

Navi: Why on earth do we need Iron boots?

Sheik: To enter the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.) you complete idiots.

Navi: Hey at least we can teleport…………..properly!

Sheik: *sniff sniff* Fine learn this song then get out of here. (Pulls out a harp and plays Serenade of Water.)

Link: (Pulls out Ocarina and plays Serenade of Water. After his Ocarina glows and he looks at it with amazement.) Wow, does it do this often?

Navi: Yes, after each time you play a song.

Link: Really? (Stares into space with a blank look blinks a couple of times and looks at Navi.) Hey a lightbulb with wings!

navi: *groan*

Sheik: Now. Goodbye. (Throws down a Deku nut.)

Link: Augh (Shields his eyes.) Hey Sheik can teleport properly. See the only thing there not is that tree.

Sheik: (Hiding behind the tree.) Haha what an idiot.

Link: Oh. My. God. THE TREE CAN TALK.

Sheik:…………………Crap. (Runs out the door.)

Link: Now lets go and……………

Navi: Wait shouldn’t we go un-freeze King Zora?

Link: What’s the point? We already killed him.

Navi: He may have………(Thinks of something.)…….Money on him, and your wallet is a bit low on cash.

Link: Good point Navi. Lets go.

Back at King Zora’s Throne Room. Several hours have passed and Link and Navi have gathered all of King Zora’s pieces and have put him back together again.

Link: (Pours a bottle of blue ice on King Zora.)

King Zora: (Revived.) I can breath again. You (Points to Link.) Did you save me?

Link: Why yes, Yes I did.

King Zora: Thank you. Now I must reward thee. (Searches pockets.)

Link: (Rubs his hands together continuously think Money. Money  Money. Money  Money. Money. Money.)

King Zora: (Pulls out a Zora Tunic and throws it to Link.)

Link: What is it?

King Zora: That my friend, is a Zora tunic, it allows you to breathe underwater as if you were above the surface.

Navi: What?!? That's inconceivable. How does a tunic help one to breathe underwater?

Link: I HAVE a heat resistant tunic Navi.

Navi: Well yes there are fire proof materials but one that can help one breathe underwater?

King Zora: It comes with a couple of Scuba tanks.

Navi: Oh................

Link: Haha, who is the idiot now?

King Zora: Oh. Right. (Throws down a Green Rupee.) There you go. That’s all I have.

Link:……………………………………..Here King Zora have this. (Conceals a bomb inside a bag and throws it up after 2 seconds.)

King Zora: Oh goody. I love presents. (Looks in the bag to see a bomb then quickly looks back at Link before blowing up into a million pieces again.)

Link: (Stands there while bits of King Zora fall around him. Strangely King Zora’s wallet falls into Links open hand.) Haha now lets see what he REALLY does have? (Opens his wallet to find it really was empty.) Oh………he was telling to truth. You know, for a King he sure is poor.)

Navi: …………………..Can we just go before you kill someone else?

Link: I suppose. (Plays Serenade of Water and Warps to Lake Hylia.

)At Lake Hylia. It starts to rain.

Link: (Reassembles on the warp point above the Water Temple.) Well here we are at Lake Hylia. Nothing has changed  much.

Navi: Your kidding right? Tell me you are kidding?

Link: Alright. I did notice it is raining.

Navi:………………………Why of all people did I get assigned to you?

Link: Because I am the Scared……I mean Sacred Hero of Time.

Navi: Fair enough.

Link: (Starts walking.) Yeah although it may have bee…………….(Slips and falls down the cliff.) AAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH. (Hits the Water with a big splash.) *glub glub* (Rises from the water.) OK. Navi the water level MAY have dropped a bit.

Navi: ………………….I’ll take it. Now there is the entrance to the Water Temple. Let’s get inside.

Link: OK………………………………………………………………Navi:………………………………………………………

Link:………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………..Well.

Link: How?

Navi: How, what?

Link: How do I get in? It’s blocked by that iron gate.

Navi: Well……………………….I have no idea.

Link: Haha maybe I could sink with those Iron boots and lift the gate up.

Navi: Yeah right.

Link: I’ll try it. (Puts on Zora Tunic and Iron Boots and sinks then tries to lift up the gate but to no avail.) *glub glub*. (Tries to say something but water comes out. So he decides to take off the Iron boots and floats back up to the top.) It’s too heavy.

Navi: Told you, you couldn’t do it.

Link: Augh. Hang on Navi I just dropped my hookshot. (The hookshot sinks to the bottom and fires the hook and hits the blue diamond above the gate. A sound goes off and the gate opens.)

Navi:?!?…………………………………………………

Link:…………………………………………..?!?

Navi:……………………………………….Well. Lets go then.

So our Heroes enter the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.). Personally I can’t be bothered writing about the boring parts of the Water Temple so will skip to the parts that are better.

Link: Man this room is weird.

Navi: I know. A lake with an Island and a tree.

Link: (Starts walking then realises he can walk on water.) Oh my god. Navi LOOK.

Navi: At?...................................Oh.

Link: I can walk on water. I’m Jesus. I’m almighty. Look out everyone here I come. (Link walks to the other side where the doors are covered in Iron Bars.) Oh man. I’m trapped in here.

Navi: Well………………………………We could try bombing our way through.

Link: You do that. While you do I’m going to sun bathe for a bit by that tree. (Runs over to the Island.)

Navi: (Flies over.) Uhhhhhhhhhhh. Link.

Link and Dark Link: What? (Both then stare at each other then scream and run in the opposite direction.)

Navi:………………………………Haha I didn’t know Link was ugly. He just looked in a mirror and saw himself. (Starts laughing but a cricket chirps while she does.)……………………………………………………..Oh forget it.

Link: (Draws out his sword and Walks up to Dark Link and looks at him while Dark Link does the same.)

Dark Link:……………………………………………………………………………….

Link:…………………………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

For the next five hours Link and Dark Link stare at each other……………….until.

Navi: I’ve had enough. (Goes around behind Dark Link and shoves him into Link. Little did Navi know she pushed him into Links blade and it hurt him……………………………………a lot.)

Dark Link: Owww. That hurt!

Navi: He told me to do it. (Points at Link who is picking his nose and looking around casually.)

Dark Link: Ohhhh. He will DIEEE FOR THAT!

Link: (Snaps out of it.) Uh Oh.

Link and Dark Link engage in a classic sword fight. Each blow struck the same place and their swords just bounced off. So Link thought of a cunning plan. Use the Megaton…………

Link: Excuse me.

Sorry. M.C Hammer and ………………….yeah pretty self explanatory from here.

Link: Hey look over there.

Dark Link: (Distracted.) Where?

Link: Haha. (Uses the M.C Hammer and smashes it over Dark Links head. Now if you have been hit in the head with a hammer. I’m sure you will understand that it hurts a lot more than that. A LOT MORE.)

Dark Link: AARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Falls down to the ground holding his head.) THAT REALLY HURT!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

Link: Hmmmm that didn’t work. Time to take drastic measures. (Inhales in deeply.) RUTO, I TRULY AND DEEPLY LOVE YOU!!!!!!! (Quickly hides behind the tree.) Quick Navi over here.

Dark Link: (Stands up.) Hmmm, where did he go? (Suddenly is tackled down by somebody.) What the Hell?

Ruto: (Kissing Dark Link and holding on continuously.) Oh Link! I knew you loved me, I Love you to!!!

Dark Link: AUGH!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!! (Tries to crawl away, but gets drawn into the shadows by Ruto.)

Suddenly there is a loud scream from the shadows and a sound goes off and the bars are lifted from the doors and Link and Navi emerge from behind the tree.

Navi: That almost seems cruel. Anyway, let’s get that item.

Link: Yay……………………………………..Oh crap which door is it?

Navi: Just pick one at random and then if it is wrong then go to the other one.

Link: Awwwwwwwwwwww. I don’t wanna walk that far.

Navi: *sigh* Look at your map you idiot. You should see a red arrow at where we come from and a yellow arrow at where you are standing.

Link: *sigh* Very well. It would be just as quick for me to run to a door then I’ll know which door I am meant to go through.

Navi:….I………….you…………………….just………………………..we…………………..Your are Useless.

Link: (Ignoring Navi.) Ha. It seems we need to go through that door over there. (Points to the door over to the far right.)

Navi: Ummmmmmmmmmm Link. You mean left. Right.

Link: Exactly……………………………………Right. Left.

Navi: So its Left. Right?

Link: Right. Left. (Walks off.)

While our Heroes conquer that temple we will check on Lon Lon Ranch.

Malon: *sigh* I’m SOOO Bored here.

Ingo: (Who is in a wheelchair with a heart monitor going.) (Monotoned Computerised Voice.) Maybe you should get a hobbie.

Malon: Maybe. Hey maybe I can make people run around the race-course then give them something for beating the record.

Ingo: (Monotoned Computerised Voice.) Maybe you should put them on Horses then they win a free cow.

Malon: Yeah. Then I can make them take it home themselves. Haha it will be funny because cows move slow and take their time.

Ingo: (Monotoned Computerised Voice.) Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

So. Anyway let’s check on something else. Like. Something. Hold on. It’s coming to me. I’ve almost got it. AHA I KNOW. Gannondorf.In Gannondorfs Tower (Or castle. I prefer to call it tower coz it sounds more evil.)

Gannondorf: Awwwwww mum. Please I’m asking you this one favour.

Koume: Don’t speak to us like that!

Kotake: Yeah. How do you think we provided a living for you?

Gannondorf: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………………Wait wasn’t it being Prostitutes, it's how you met Dad? 

Koume: Yes it was.

Kotake: Now it you who has to provide for us!

Gannondorf:…………………………………………………………..and?

Koume: Oh this is useless. GIVE US SOME MONEY. We gave you that thing from the Spirit Temple.

Gannondorf: You mean Nabooru?

Kotake: Is that her name? Anyway. GIVE US SOME MONEY.

Gannondorf: *sigh* Very well. You, minion. Open the safe.

Well who cares about that. Let’s get back to our Heroes who have just conquered the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Link: Well that was hard. That thing caused so much trouble. I mean when it grouped me and all.

Navi: Really? I wasn’t watching.

Link: Thanks. Anyway let’s get this heart container and get that medallion. By the way. Who was the Water sage?

Navi: I’m not sure. But I’m guessing she is gona be annoying.

Link: She?Navi: Or he.

Link: Oh well. (Steps into the Blue Portal.)

In the Chamber of Sages.

Link: (Pulls out a chair and sits on it.) Ahh. After a hard days work. I think I deserve a rest.

Navi: It took you 20 days to complete it. We found the Longshot in about 7 hours. Then you fell down the hole behind the chest and was unconscious for 18 days. You might have been in a coma. Then you woke up and……………….yeah you remember the rest.

(I’m just saying that part because it took me that long to do that stuff. That Temple was so annoying. Except after the Long shot. It took me about 15 days to get.)

Link: I sure do.Ruto: (Rises up from her sage.) Hello. O Hero of Time.

Link: (Turns white.) Navi.

Navi: Oh dear. (Quickly flies behind a pillar.)

Link: Hold the phone. If seven years have passed, then why are you still small?

Ruto: Oh this. Yeah I died Seven Years ago when I was meant to be saved from Jabu-Jabus Belly. Then I was reborn, thanks to me being a sage.

Link: (Starts sweating profusely.) Oh yes. How terrible. (Shifty Looks.)

Navi: (Flies back into view) Yeah. Who would do something like that? (Looks at Link.) 

Ruto: Oh well. For all we know it may have been some kid that wore a green tunic with boots and no underpants.

Link: I TOLD THEM IT WAS A COMFORT THING.

Ruto:…………………………………………………………what?

Link: Oh (Thinks of an excuse.) I’m sure that’s what he would have said.

Ruto: Ah. Of course. Anyway I am to aid you from beyond the grave. So take this Medallion. (Lifts up arms exposing her armpits and Arm-hair.)

Link: (Staring.)…………………………..(Whispers to Navi.) You would need a hedge trimmer to cut through that stuff.

Navi: (Nods in agreement.)

Link: Oh well. (Lifts arms to receive the Water Medallion.)

Ruto: Excellent. By the way. There was a young man. I think his name was Zelda. No wait I mean Sheik. He tried to help me escape from the ice in the Ice Cavern. Problem is. I was already dead and I wasn’t there.

Link: …………………………..and?

Ruto: Oh right. I want you to thank him.

Link: Can do.

Ruto: Thanks.

Link: Yeah………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….Oh right. I was meant to send you back  to Hyrule.

Link and Navi: (Both collapse to the ground.)

Ruto: Sorry. I just forgot. (Sends Link and Navi back to Hyrule.)

At Lake Hylia.

Sheik: So. Link managed to destroy that Monster and save the Lake. Good man.

Link: Why thank you.

Sheik: WAAAUUUUGGGHHHH. (Jumps about 6 feet in the air.) DON’T SNEAK UP BEHIND ME LIKE THAT.

Link: Sorry.

Sheik: So. Ruto wanted to thank me did she?

Link: Yeah. WAIT. How do you know?

Sheik: Oh. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm………………………………I got it. I CAN READ YOUR MIND.

Link: Really? Then what am I thinking of now?

Sheik:………………………………………….aw crap. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Women and Breasts.

Link: WRONG. I was thinking of Women, breasts AND Zelda.

Navi:…………………………………uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Your nuts.

Link: Augh (Covers his groin.) Are they showing?

Sheik:………………!? Really Link. That’s not right.

Link: Yeah. Anyway. Shouldn’t you be going?

Sheik: Oh right. Hey look what’s that?

Link: Where? (Looks around.)

Sheik: Haha (Runs away and climbs up the tree.)

Link: Hey Sheik. Theres nothi……………………..hey where did he go? Where is that tree that mysteriously appears when Sheik has teleported? (Runs around for a bit.)

Sheik: Haha what an idiot, and to think I climbed up this tree. With shoes that have no grip.

Link: Cripes Sheik has gotten better and teleporting.

Navi: Uhhhhhh. Link.

Link: Not now Navi.

Navi: ………………………………………………………………………..Oh forget it.

Sheik: (Watching the whole thing.) Haha what an idiot. (Slips from the tree.) Oh crap. WAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH. (Hits the Water with a big splash.)

Link: What was that?

Navi: That was Sheik falling off that tree.

Link: Haha what a drunk?

Navi: Sheik wasn’t drunk. He just had bad co-ordination.

Link: Ha. You wouldn’t know a drunk if one come up and hit you in the face, speaking of which, I need to get back that drunk man that smacked me in the face a while ago, C’mon WE are going to the Kakkariko Village Pub. (Runs off.)

End of Part II