In Zora's River...
Link: Aw, great. More rocks blocking our way. Guess I'll whip-
Kaepora Gaebora: Hi!
Link: WAAAH! (falls down) Who are you?
Kaepora Gaebora: I'm God.
Link: (suspicious) The same God who said I can't get into heaven because my feet smell?
Kaepora Gaebora: (nervously) Ahahaha! Oh, did I say God? I meant Gaebora. Kaepora Gaebora... I'm not God.
Link: Right. So what do you want, Mr. GAYbora? (snickers)
Kaepora Gaebora: Har har. I just wanted to tell you you're in Zora's Domain, and the Zora race live here, and they protect the water somehow, and you can't get into their home because there's a waterfall blocking it.
Link: Can't I just jump through the waterfall?
Kaepora Gaebora: (ignoring him) You have to be a member of the royal family to get in. Or someone in connection to the royal family. Or the royal family's cousins. Or the royal family's cousin's mailman. Or something.
Link: We get the picture.
Kaepora Gaebora: Great. Well anyway, I just came by here to tell you you're screwed, because you're not part of the royal family, so you can't get in. That is, unless, you somehow know the royal melody you must play to get in. Cuz that's the only way to get in. Unless you're part of the royal family. You aren't, are you?
Link: Well actually-
Kaepora Gaebora: Bye. (flies off) Link: ...
At the waterfall leading into Zora's Domain...
Link: (takes out the Ocarina, and a mysterious tune plays) What was that!?
Navi: Oh, it happens when you do something good. Don't worry about it.
Link: Ahh... (plays Saria's song by mistake)
Navi: Do you want to talk to Saria?
Link: ...No... Navi: Oh... then... (blushes)... do you want to talk to me?
Link: (blushes as well) Well...
Navi:……….?!?
Link: ...nope. (plays Zelda's Lullaby, and another tune plays as the waterfall parts and a hole is clearly visible) I'm tellin' ya, those little tunes are creepin' me out... (enters Zora's Domain)
Inside Zora's Domain, Link and Navi are kneeling at the foot of the King.
Link: (respectfully) Greetings, Great King Zora. We are the royal family's messengers. We have come with orders from Princess Zelda to save Hyrule from imminent destruction. We are in need of your assistance: we require the Spiritual Stone of Water. May we have it?
King Zora: Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto... where have you gone?
Link: HEY! I spent HOURS working on that speech! You better respond with something worthwhile, NOW!
King Zora: Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto... where have you gone?
Navi: I'm afraid he won't say anything more unless we give him something.
Link: Screw him. I'm not getting anything. I'm going to go over there. (runs off)
Diving Game Zora: Ah. Hello. Would you like to play a diving game? Twenty rupees. If you pick up the rupees I toss in the allotted time period, I'll give you something good.
Link: What will you give me? Diving Game Zora: (winks and smiles) It's a secret.
Link: (frowning and looking down the waterfall) I'm afraid I'm not going to take a fifty-foot dive into roughly ten-feet-deep water unless I know what I'm getting out of it.
Diving Game Zora: Don't be such a wuss. Readysetgo! (pushes Link off the cliff) Link: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHH! [SPLASH]
Diving Game Zora: Don't forget the rupees! (tosses rupees into the area where Link is)
Link: (dollar signs appear in his eyes) AUGH! MONEY! (quickly dives into the water and gets them all at once)
Diving Game Zora: (calling down from above) Hey, great! Congratulations! Come up here and claim your prize!
Link: (on the way back up to the Diving Game Zora) I wonder why the game costs twenty rupees, but he throws twenty-five rupees into the water for you to keep. How does he expect to make a profit?
Navi: Maybe he can't count. C'mon, let's collect our prize!
Back at the Diving Game Zora...
Link: Okay, so what do I get? Diving Game Zora: That was such a graceful dive! Here, this is a scale of our kind. It allows you to dive much deeper than you could before.
Link: ...How? Diving Game Zora: (suddenly very serious) That is one of the great mysteries of the universe.
Link: ... Diving Game Zora: (snapping back into his regular friendly mood) But anyway, here it is! (gives it to Link)
Link: Thanks! I think I'll go dive into that hole I saw before.
Navi: You really shouldn't be swimming into random holes. You don't know where that could go.
Link: Nonsense. I'll be fine. (dives off the cliff and swims into the hole)
In Lake Hylia...
Link: (gasping and coughing for air as he rises from the bottom) Phew! I can BREATHE!
Navi: I told you so...
Link: Well who would have guessed it lead to somewhere halfway across Hyrule!?
Navi: Hmph. Link: Besides, I- (notices shiny thing on the bottom of the lake) Hey, shiny stuff. I'll go get it. (dives down, grabs it, and comes back up)
Navi: You got an Empty Bottle! You can carry things in it and... what? There's already something in it!?
Link: Brilliant, Sherlock Holmes.
Just outside Lake Hylia...
Link: I wonder what's inside this bottle. (he opens it) Wow, the Spiritual Stone of Water!
Navi: WHAT!?
Link: (examining it) Yeah, it was in this bottle! What luck, huh? Now we don't have to be swallowed by a large fish and go through a long and totally unfunny dungeon while being bossed around by some snobby fish-girl.
Navi: But... but this makes no sense! The Spiritual Stones are one-of-a-kind, sacred relics that embody the will and power of an entire race! There's no way it'd just be at the bottom of some lake!
Link: (pocketing the Stone) I much prefer the alteration of a dramatic storyline to the creation and publication of a boring episode, don't you?
Writer: I Agree. It makes it easier writing for me.
Link: See? Navi: ...I really don't understand this at all...
Near Hyrule Castle...
Link: Yup, got all the Spiritual Stones. Guess I better go to see Zelda now, right?
Navi: (still dazed by the recent events) Uh... yeah... sure...
Suddenly, the gate opens. Impa, with Zelda in her arms, gallops past on a white horse.
Link: (sees Zelda and Impa ride past) Oh my gosh! Something must be wrong!
Navi: (sarcastically) Wow, Link, you sure are perceptive. We wouldn't EVER knowwhat's going on without you.
Link: Shut up.
Zelda: (sees Link) Oh, it's that fairy boy I just met! I think I'll entrust our family's priceless heirloom passed down for hundreds of generations to him, in hopes that he would be the one chosen by destiny to save the world! Yeah, that's a good plan. (tosses the Ocarina in Link's general direction)
Link: Hey, what's th-OW!! (gets hit in the head with the Ocarina) Ahhh! The pain! (looks down at Ocarina) Stupid thing! (kicks it into the moat)
Zelda: (now pretty far away from Link, she is shocked to see him kick the Ocarina into the water) NONONO! Don't kick it away! Use it to save the world!
Link: (didn't quite hear her) What? What'd you-
Suddenly, it gets very cold. Dark clouds completely cover Hyrule's serene sky, and a violent storm comes out of nowhere. Sensing the presence of someone else, Link turns around, and suddenly his eyes widen and his face turns white. He remembers this character from his recurrent dream, which had kept him up several long nights. The evil presence he had sensed was none other than Ganondorf, King of Thieves. He is riding on a jet-black steed, which rears up and neighs dramatically.
Ganondorf: Curses! They got away.
Link: (standing there in a petrified stupor)
Ganondorf: (hasn't noticed Link yet) How could I obtain the Triforce and take over the world if I can't even keep up with a little ten-year-old girl!? Ahhh, it's hopeless! I'll never be able to do this! Wait.. wait... (takes out a small pink blanket and cuddles it tightly) There there, Ganondorf... you can do this... remember what Dr. Peterson said... "you can take over the world".... you can take over the world... you can take ov- (sees Link, and quickly regains his composure) Ahem! Hey, little kid! You, over there! You must have seen that white horse ride past. Which way did they go?! Answer me!
Link: (snickering) I saw some other stuff too.
Ganondorf: Wha-...you-... grr! You better not tell anyone!
Link: It'll cost you. Ganondorf: (muttering curses to himself)
Link: Ah ah ah, you better not. I'll tell all of Hyrule that the GREAT KING OF THIEVES GANONDORF is nothing but a crying little baby!
Ganondorf: .......Shut up, kid! (shoots a powerful energy blast out of his hand at Link) Link: (gets hit by the blast, and gets knocked to the ground) Gh-...ow.
Navi: Oooooh! You got SCHOOLED, Link!
Link: (dusting himself off) Shut up!
Ganondorf: Mwa ha ha ha ha! See, kid!? You're nothing to me! I am powerful! Now, tell me where they are! Link: (staring angrily at him)
Ganondorf: Think you can protect them, eh?! Well, I'll find them! You'll see! Uwa ha ha! (rides off in complete opposite direction of where Impa and Zelda went)
Link: Ha ha ha! Loser. He'll never find them.
Navi: Link, shouldn't you go see what that thing was that Zelda threw at you?
Link: Oh yeah, that. (rubbing head in pain) I think it was a rock. A blue one.
Navi: It looked kind of like an ocarina.
Link: So?
Navi: Shouldn't you pick it up?
Link: No, I think it's a rock.
Navi: I think it may be the legendary Ocarina of Time, a magical Ocarina held by the Royal Family for generations that can open the door to the Temple of Time and let one obtain the Triforce, the sacred oracle that grants the power of the gods to any who may touch it.
Link: ...No, I'm pretty sure it was a rock.
Navi: OH JUST PICK IT UP!
Link: Okay, okay! Sheesh! (he swims into the moat and brings it to the surface. Suddenly, he receives a telepathic message)
Link.... Link... can you hear me? This is Zelda... by the time you get this message, I will be gone. This ocarina is the Ocarina of Time, a magical instrument of power held by the Royal Family for generations that can open the door to the Temple of Time and let one obtain the Triforce, the sacred oracle that grants the power of the gods to any who may touch it. Navi: See!? However, to open the door of time, you will need to know the Song of Time. Use this song, the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time to open the Door of Time in the Temple of Time to save Hyrule!
Link: Wow, this Ocarina is awesome! It's all blue and shiny. It's a LOT better than that dumb old ocarina that Saria gave me. (throws it behind his back, and it shatters is it hits the ground)
Navi: Didn't Saria give that to you as a memento of your eternal friendship?
Link: Yeah, but look, this one's SHINY. (twirling the Ocarina of Time around and watching it gleam in the sun)
Navi: (looking at the shattered pieces of Saria's Ocarina on the ground) Heh… yeah, that was a pretty dumb ocarina. Look, this piece had "LINK + SARIA 4EVER" scratched in it. What a piece of junk!
Link and Navi: (walk away laughing)
In the Lost Woods…
Saria: (freezes in place and collapses)
At the Temple of Time…
Link: Okay, so where's this door that leads to the Triforce?
Navi: I don't know.
Suddenly, an old woman who looks suspiciously like Ganondorf walks by.
Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (walks up right behind Link and starts talking loudly in a high voice) It sure was foolish of the builders of this temple to put the Triforce right behind that Triforce-shaped door over there. Anyone who wanted it would just have to put the Three Spiritual Stones in that pedestal over there and play the Song of Time on the Ocarina of Time, and they could easily get it.
Link: (still thinking)…Maybe there's some sort of application we have to fill out or something…
Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (talking louder) Yes, I sure hope no one here has Three Spiritual Stones and the Ocarina of Time, or they could be listening to me and find out how to get to the Triforce. If they got it before Ganondorf, his whole evil scheme will be totally ruined!
Navi: (to Link) Maybe there's a special chant or something?
Link: Zelda didn't say anything about that, though.
Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (frowns, then drops a piece of paper on the floor) Oops, I just dropped that very important document that tells exactly how to get the Triforce on the floor. I sure hope no one tries to pick it up and look at it.
Link: (still racking his brain)
Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: It was careless of me to drop it. I better bend down and get it before someone picks it up and gets the Triforce. (almost yelling right in Link's ear) SOMEONE WITH THE THREE SPIRITUAL STONES AND THE OCARINA OF TIME.
Link: (talking to himself) Maybe if we just ASK for the Triforce, someone will give it to us…
Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (thinking) Okay, this isn't working. I better think of a new, more simplistic plan.
Some time later…
Navi: I don't know about this, Link. It looks kind of suspicious to me.
Link: (walking along a trail of candy, picking up each piece and eating it) It's free candy, Navi. It can't be anything bad. ( he gets to the last candy) Hey, this long line of candies led us straight to this pedestal here.
Navi: (pointing) Look, there's a sign on it.
Above the three slots there is a crude sign that shows where all the Spiritual Stones go on the pedestal and the exact notes and hand positions for playing the Song of Time on the Ocarina.
Link: Gee, that sure is convenient.
Navi: (suspicious) You don't think anyone placed this here TRYING to get us to get the Triforce, do you, Link?
Link: Of course not, Navi. Don't be stupid.
Behind a nearby wall…
Ganondorf: This plan is perfect! No one's too stupid to mess this up.
Back at Link and Navi…
Link: (trying desperately to get it right) Darnit, this stupid Spiritual Stone won't fit! Navi: Try turning it upside down! Link: I did!
Behind a nearby wall…
Ganondorf: …
Back at Link and Navi…
Link: Darnit, I dropped one!
Navi: Here, let me get it. (flies down and picks up the Stone, but hits her head on the pedestal and drops it again, the stone landing squarely on Link's foot)
Link: (grabbing his foot, jumping up and down) Auugh! Auuuughhh!
Behind a nearby wall…
Ganondorf: This is ridiculous. I can't take it anymore. (walks up to Link and smacks him in the head)
Link: Ow! Ganondorf: You idiot! Let me see those! (he snatches the Spiritual Stones from Link's hands) THIS one goes here, and THAT one goes there. The last one goes here, okay!? You're such an idiot… Give me that! (snatches the Ocarina from Link's hands and plays the Song of Time. The door opens.) THERE! Now go inside and get the sword, alright?! God, you're so STUPID! (stomps off angrily)
Navi: …Dang, what was his problem?
Link: (walking into the room) Yeah, I know. What a pill.
Navi: (gasps as she enters the room) Wow! Is that…
Link: Is that what? (sees the sword) Neat. What is it?
Navi: Is that the legendary blade? The bane of evil? The sword constructed long ago by the last remaining Wise Ones?
Link: You still haven't answered my-
Navi: Could that be the famous sword that crushes all wickedness and is destined to be the weapon of the Hero of Time? Is it that mythical and wonderful blade that-
Link: WHAT IS IT!
Navi: ...Is ...that ...the MASTER SWORD!?!
Link: (sarcastically excited) I don't know, IS IT?!?!?!?!
Navi: I think it IS!
Link: Well let's GET IT THEN!!! (grabs the sword and pulls it from the platform)
Suddenly, a bright light fills the room as the Triforce on the floor glows. A blue beam rises up around Link and bathes the room with light.
END OF PART 1