ZLCL
Chapter 2-8

(Meanwhile, Dirty Joe and Mido are watching TV at Burn's house, waiting for him.)

Dirty Joe: What are you watching?

Mido: Yoda on Weed.

Yoda: (on TV) Good this stuff is. Gives much buzz to Yoda it does.

Dirty Joe: Change the channel.

Mido: (pushing buttons on the remote): HOW THE HELL DO I WORK THIS THING?!!

Dirty Joe: WTF? Give it to me!

(The Secret Life of ET comes on.)

ET: ET... Phone Hos...

(Dirty Joe turns on the news comes on.)

Reporter: A huge fire is blazing downtown, believed to be the work of a serial arsonist.

(Mido jumps up.)

Mido: We're going there. Come on.



(Burn is watching the fire when Dirty Joe and Mido show up. He's wearing a weird ski hat.)

Mido: Hey, Burn! Did we miss any of the action!?

Burn: It's been a long time since I've seen a fire like this.

Dirty Joe: Huh?

Burn: When the old schoolhouse burned down... I was there with my big bro.

(Burn remembers standing with his brother by a different fire.)

Dirty Joe: Hey, it's your wife! What a weirdo!

(Zelda is standing a few yards away playing Fire Starter. Burn begins listening to the crowd speaking.)

Random Person 1: Arson? And a disused schoolhouse?

Random Person 2: (points at Zelda) Look! Who's that?

Random Person 1: The girl?

Random Person 2: She looks suspicious.

Random Person 3: She looks like a whore.

(Burn hears Mido yell.)

Mido: Look, it's the robot!!

(Burn turns behind him and sees Canti. He is wearing a kimono that smells strangely of marijuana.)

Burn: Canti! Quit goofing around! Let's go home!

Mido: His name's Canti?

Dirty Joe: Is he high?!

(Burn turns to see Zelda walking away. Later, he, Dirty Joe, Mido, and Canti are walking home.)

Mido: The bot's cool, Burn.

Burn: Whatever...

Dirty Joe: Oh yeah, why weren't you at school today?

Burn: Well...

Mido: Teach was worried. Did she call your house?

Burn: I dunno...

Dirty Joe: What's under the hat?!

Burn: DON'T TOUCH THAT?!

(Dirty Joe pulls the hat off of Burn's head. Burn stares up at Joe and Mido with a blank look.)




Dirty Joe: What is it?

Mido: What did your dad say?

Burn: I'm not showing my dad!!

(Mido and Dirty Joe are in Burn's bedroom, poking his "horns". Burn looks frustrated.)

Dirty Joe: You should talk to your dad more.

Burn: Shut up! Just leave me alone!

Mido: Does it squirt?!

Dirty Joe: It's soft, gross!!

Burn: I've just had... a lot of... things on my mind. It's stressing me out.

Mido: Just color it like your hair.

Burn: I think I'll go to the hospital by myself.

Dirty Joe: Hold still!!

(Dirty Joe pulls out a sharpie and starts to draw on the horn.)

Burn: You guys... you can't understand how hard it is...

Dirty Joe: Look at yourself!

(Dirty Joe holds up a mirror. The horn has a smiley face on it. Burn hangs his head down low.)

Mido: Is he mad?

Dirty Joe: (looking at Burn) Nah, he's smileing.

Burn: (busting out laughing) SHUT UP! WHAT DID YOU DO?!!

(All three boys are laughing their asses off. Burn is beginning to cry.)

Nasal voice from nowhere: To be a boy is to be a fool. And to be a fool is pure bliss...

Dirty Joe:..

Mido: Who's that?!

(Dirty Joe and Mido sit there staring around the room blankly. Burn is still laughing. Nabooru suddenly leaps out from the closet, dressed in a biker outfit.)

Nabooru: NUAGHTY BOY BEWARE!!! KSHAAA, KSHAAAA, KSHAAA!!!

Mido and Joe: (jumping backwards) AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Burn: (still laughing) What are you doing here?

Nabooru: I didn't scare you?

Burn: I really don't give a crap anymore. Whatever.

Dirty Joe: (hiding in corner with Mido) WHY, BURN?! WHY, WHY, WHY?!!

Mido: THE GERUDO JUST JUMPED OUT OF YOUR CLOSET!!

Burn: (winking) Yeah, she does that sometimes.

Mido: ARE YOU BRAGGING?!!

(Nabooru suddenly flicks out a forked Gene Simmons tongue. Mido stares at her.)









Link: Burn-kun! Telephone! It's a girl, that's my boy.

(Link hands Burn the phone and walks out the door.)

Link: And your teacher called yesterday, too. I told her you ditched. If you don't learn how to handle social problems at school, how can you handle them in real life? The best thing I can do as a father is to protect your head from the filth that's in mine. Well, talk to your little girlfriend, and let me know how it goes... son.

Zelda: (on phone) Your home? I'm at the river.

Burn: I can't. I have somewhere to go.

(Burn hangs the phone up and Nabooru comes up behind him.)

Burn: And I look like a dork.

Nabooru: I thought you didn't give a damn.

(At the river, Zelda puts down the phone and looks up. For some reason, Canti is standing there. Zelda thinks of Fire Starter.)




(Burn and Nabooru are in an empty hospital room. Nabooru is dressed as a nurse.)

Nabooru: Ah, this is a case of ZLuctonick CLipple Waver Syndrome.

Burn: Huh?

Nabooru: A purely psychological adolescent epidermal-ossifying syndrome. You know, children growing horns from their head due to stress. It's a common affliction.

Burn: What the hell?!

Nabooru: (holding an x-ray of Burn's head) Ok, Ok, I made that up. But look at this.

Burn: My brain's missing?!

Nabooru: Yes it is. Haven't you noticed how sensitive you've been lately?

Burn: I guess I'll have to take your word for it.

Nabooru: That's right. Just accept things the way they come. That's the Gerudo way of life. No matter how much of a pain in the ass that horn is going to be.

Burn: Wait, a while ago, you said it was a penis?

Nabooru: IT IS A PENIS! MUHHAHAHAH!

Burn: YOUR CONFUSING ME!! Wait, if I don't have a brain, what am I thinking with? And who's thinking what I'm thinking? And what am I thinking? Or who am I if I'm not thinking my own.... ARRGH!!

Nabooru: You said you'd take my word for it, so do it! That horn is a portal to THE PENIS OF A ROBOT CAT!!!

Burn: WHAT THE HELL?! THAT'S JUST SICK!!

Nabooru: THRILLLLLERR! OWW!

Burn: So I'm part machine now?

Nabooru: No, you're only part of a robot.

Burn: That doesn't make sense... I don't believe you! You're a big fat liar!

Nabooru: (smiling) It's like this, Takkun. You're my slot machine. I have to keep pulling and pulling till I hit the Jackpot.

Burn: So your just gonna hit me over and over again until you... kill me?

Nabooru: Naw... I don't want you dead. I don't want you alive, either. I'm just going to slowly DRAIN THE LIFE OUT OF YOU!! MUHAHAHHAH!!...... Just kidding. I won't hurt you. :)

Burn: You said that last time... then I got attacked by that hand thing...

Nabooru: Look out the window.

(Burn walks over to the window and looks out. A cop is standing out on the street.)

Nabooru: The enemy's so close, we can't even see it.

Burn: The feds?

Nabooru: You want the truth, I'm not a real nurse.

(Nabooru tackles him for no apparent reason.)




(Burn and Nabooru are driving down the road on Nabooru's motor horse. Nabooru is now wearing her normal leather vest and scarf.)

Burn: How long will this horn stay?

Nabooru: It'll just fall off eventually... I think.

Burn: (angrily) Oh, is that the truth, too?! Slow down!!

Nabooru: (accelerates) Whooooooo, Hoooooo! Isn't this fun?!

Burn: (thinking) I guess it is kind of fun, since my head is empty.

(They suddenly fly off the road, busting a huge hole in the guardrail. They begin to fall toward the ground, far below.)

Burn: YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!! WHAT NOW?!!!

Nabooru: (smiling) Were both falling from the sky together.

Burn: YOU'RE DRIVING SUCKS!!

Nabooru: I couldn't see the road past your horn.

(Burn's vision suddenly flashes an image of Saria, Dirty Joe, Mido, Zelda, and Link, all being swirled together like a Van Gogh painting.)

Burn: Huh? Weird...

Nabooru: It's starting.

Burn: Am I dreaming?!

(The image suddenly turns into a fire. Burn can see a younger version of himself and he hears his brother's voice.)

Young Burn: Was that a real fire, Brother?

Kafei: You're safe now, Zelda. Don't cry. Hush... don't cry.

(Burn snaps back to normal.)

Burn: What the hell did you do to me? This thing is cuasing visions.

Nabooru: Shhh... Pay attention! Look over there!

Burn: Zelda?!

(Zelda is sitting down in front of an old rickety shack. She is holding a piece of flameing newspaper. She set's it down and runs away.)

Burn: She set the...

Nabooru: Yep.

Burn: Zelda... It's her! She's the arsonist!

(Burn stares for a moment.)

Burn: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

Nabooru: Don't loose your head. Speaking of which, you better watch out...

Burn: SHIT!

(Nabooru lands safely on her feet, while Burn smashes head first into the ground. He is halfway buried with only his legs sticking out. Nabooru looks behind her, as strange root-like growths spurt from the ground. Burn's body suddenly begins to move away from Nabooru. She sees the horn with the smiley face sticking out of the ground. She pulls out her guitar and hits it. Burn's legs suddenly go stiff.)

Burn: AUGH!!

(Burn goes limp again. Nabooru stands to the right of Burn, and Zelda suddenly runs up and stands to his left.)