My GOD why the hell am I writing this? I know I need to get to work on my real fanfics, but this is just to pass the time. I PROMISE that I'm working on finishing Marin. And I PROMISE that I'm working on Kun. I PROMISE I will take ZLCL of hiatus, and most importantly, I PROMISE that I will redo Gentle Rain, which I pray will be my masterpiece. There are only a few weeks of school left, and a whole lot of my time will be more free.

Hey!

What?

Listen!

Listen too what?!

Look out!!

Look out for What?!!

That tree right over there!

BAM!!

Owwwww!

I told you!

Shut up! Damn fairy.

I was just trying help!

Well you didn't do a very good job.

What did I do?!

Yeah, seriously, what do you do, besides talk?

For one I... uh... Target enemies for you!

What do you mean?

You know, when I turn yellow and fly around an enemy?

That's targeting?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, what did you think I was doing?

I thought you were commiting suicide.

Aw, so your trying to save me from the monsters?

Hell no! I'm trying to help the monsters kill you!

Then why do you always kill the monsters?

Becuase, I'm aiming at you but I have really sucky eyesight.

So what if you actually aimed at the monsters?!

I'd probably hit you.

That horrible!!

That's a pretty good idea. I'll aim at the monsters next time.

MEEP!!

(long akward silence)

Hey!

What?

Listen!

Listen to what?!

Look out!!

Look out for what?!!

BAM!!

Things You Would Never hear a Zelda Character Say

Epona: Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Link: (anything)

Bonuru: If I only had a brain...

Ganondorf: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I fell pretty and witty and BRIGHT!

Shiek: Where'd my Boobs go? (looks down) and where'd THAT come from?!

Darunia: My nipples look like Milk Duds!!

Ruto: Public nudity is wrong!

King Zora: Trimspa, Baby...

Tatl: (anything positive)

Link: This skirt feels kind of Kinky...

Richard: I'm not gay, I'm just exploring!

Marin: Screw that shit, he's gay.

Navi: Strange, but all these women swarm over Link, yet he never seems interested... I wonder...

Link: No, Navi, I'm not gay, but if I was you'd probably be the reason.

Navi: C'mon, you're like young Michael Jackson with a smaller Dick!

That's all I have now. More comes soon.

The Diary of Kafei

05-05-05
The naked lady in my room showed up again today. I went ahead and sent her a letter that I hope will solve the problem.

Dear Madam,

It has come to my attention, though it took a while, that for the past several weeks, you have been naked in my bedroom. I do not know who you are, or why you are naked in my bedroom, but may I just say that I am a married man-child, and while your "dirty apples" are very nice, I must say that I am very uncomfortable seeing them every day.

Kafei, Future Mayor

5-7-05
Upon not recieving a response from the naked lady I suddenly realized something. So I sent another letter.

Dear Madam,

I have just realized that the reason you are naked in my bedroom is becuase you are my wife and we share the same bedroom. Please disregard my previous letter.

Kafei, Future Mayor

P.S. I am very pleased to realize that my wife has such nice dirty apples.

5-10-05
I am afraid that my marraige is going down the toilet. Anju's cooking is completely unbearable. I tried to install a smoke detector so it would at least be safe, but she apparently is under the impression that it is a timer. Getting intamate with Anju has lost intamacy as well. It's really hard seeing as I havn't hit puberty yet. Plus, while most in Clock-Town are aware of our situation, as soon as we leave town we hear shouts of "Child Molester". It's not good.

5-15-05
I have found my own obituary in the paper! I apparently died last week of pnemonia. I apparently had a very nice funeral.

5-16-05
After contemplating my obituary, I soon realized that it might be a problem. So, I sent a letter.

Dear Sirs,
It has come to my attention that my obituary is posted in your paper. I am still alive and well and request it be fixed.

Kafei, Future Mayor.

5-20-05
The newspaper sent a response.

Dear Kafei.
No, if you inspect slighty further you will realize that you are no longer living, just a part of the Matrix. We suggust you take the blue pill and forget that any of this ever happened.

05-24-05

Dear sirs,
It has come to my attention, that yes, I am dead. However, I did not die of pnemonia and would like the problem fixed. I died of writers cramp from writing to many letters.

Kafei, Future Mayor.

5-25-05
My problem has been fixed, and I am now officialy dead from writers cramp. I even got a flashy certificate certifing it.

5-27-05
It is strange that I am writing this entry seeing as this date hasn't occured yet. Whatever the case, I sent a letter to my smoke detector.

Dear Sir,
I humbly request you do not go off when my wife is cooking. It is normal for it to start smokeing.

Kafei, Future Mayor.

It is 11:00 on a satarday night. Burn is sitting at his computer, which is of course logged on to Kasuto.net. By his side, or should we say on his hand, is his brother, Eddy D. Monkey. Who happens to be a puppet. You heard me. Burn's brother is a stuffed monkey puppet. You got a problem with it? Cuase if you do thats specieism and puppetism. And specieism and puppetism are wrong. And so is Barbra Striesand in a string bikini.

Burn: Hmmm... What could I write about.

Eddy: I don't know... What do you want to write about?

Burn: I don't know... Maybe we could do the ultimate crossover story!

Eddy: Wha?

Burn: You heard me! WE could cross everything with Zelda!

Eddy: You don't even like crossover stories!

Burn: Oh yeah, that's right.

Eddy: I know! Why don't we listen to German rock music to give you ideas!!

Burn: Better yet, let's sing German rock music!!

Burn picks up his guitar that comes out of nowhere, just like all of Link's items. See, this is Zelda related! But Barbra Striesand in a string bikini isn't.

Burn: (bangs on the guitar strings) HEY YOU YOU YOU YOU PRETTY YOUNG LADY WHERE YOU GOIN WHERE YOU SLEEP TONIGHT? SUNDAY YOU NEED LOVE MONDAY BE ALONE (do do do do do dododo do do) SUNDAY YOU NEED LOVE MONDAY BE ALONE (do do do do do dododo do do).

Eddy: You've got to turn the amp on, dumbass!

Burn: (drops the guitar) Did you just speak a profanity on a sunday morning?!

Eddy: No I spoke a profanity on a saturday night!

Burn: Oh... Still, it's bad! BAD MONKEY! BAD BAD BAD!

Eddy: DON'T HIT ME!! I'm sorry!

Burn: Good.

Eddy: Ok, let's try again.

Burn plugs in his amp and tries again. Even though for some reason Eddy is a puppet and you need two hands to play a guitar, He is hanging in the air doing headbanger.

Burn: YOU GONNA LEAVE HER LEAVE HER OUT ON THE STREETS SUNDAY YOU NEED LOVE MONDAY BE ALONE THEN A WHOLE BUNCH OF CRAP IN GERMAN I DON'T UNDERSTAND SUNDAY YOU NEED LOVE MONDAY BE ALONE!

Eddy: THANK YOU GERMANY!

Burn: ALOHA, BITCHES!

Eddy: (gasps) Profanity on a Sunday! BAD HUMAN! BAD BAD BAD!!

Burn: AHHHHHHH!!

Eddy: Why did you say aloha anyways?

Burn: It's German isn't it?

Eddy: No, it's Hawaiian.

Burn: How do you spell Hawaiian anyways?

Eddy: I don't know. Ask the disembodied voice.

Who me? I don't know. But this seriously wasn't as funny as your normal work, Burn.

Burn: The monkey's distracting me.

Eddy: Hey, shut up!

Bad! Don't distract the author! BAD MONKEY! BAD BAD BAD! I can't punish you though. I'm just a disembodied voice.

Burn: Where's the voice coming from anyways?

Eddy: Maybe it's coming from that curtain over there!

No! Don't pull that curtain!

Eddy: (pulling the curtain then running away) HOLY CRAP IT'S BARBRA STRIESAND IN A STRING BIKINI!

Damn you, Ganondorf. Not only have you stolen the Triforce and shamed the Land of Hyrule, but now you have kidnapped Zelda! I vow by the crest on my hand that I...

MMMMMM, COOKIES....

Hey, over there, SHUT UP!! And get the hell away from my cookies! I just baked those!!

SCREW YOU STUPID GIRLY MAN!!

Who the hell do you think you are?!

I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! OWOWOWOW!!

Hey... Shouldn't you be governing California?!

NO! They don't like me in California anymore. My approval rating is under 32%!

That sucks...

THEY ARE ALL STUPID GIRLY MEN WHO TOUCH THEMSELVES AT NIGHT!!!!

I didn't need to know that...

I NEED STEROIDS FOR MY TIGHT BUTT CHEEKS!!! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!

What the hell?!

IT'S HUNTING US!!!!!

Mr. Schwarzenegger... stop... Mr. Schwarzen... PUT THE NEEDLE DOWN!

NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! IT'S A NEW KIND, IT DOESN'T SHOW UP ON THE URINE TEST, SEE?!

YOU JUST PEED ON ME, YOU FREAK!!!

GET DOWN! GET... GET DOWN! GET IN THE CHOPPER?!

WHAT THE HELL?!

I'LL BE BACK! WITH STRIPPERS! IF THE MEDIA FINDS OUT I'LL JUST PRETEND I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS WRONG!!

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!

THEN GIVE ME A COOKIE!

HELL NO!! THOSE ARE MINE!

THEN TAKE THIS!!

YOU PEED ON ME AGAIN!

YES, MY PENIS IS TINY FROM STEROIDS, BUT I HAVE A MASSIVE BLADDER!!

PUT YOUR DAMN SPEEDO BACK ON!!

I'M SORRY MARIA, THE STRIPPERS TRICKED ME!!!!

WHAT THE HELL?!

QUIT SAYING THAT! AND QUIT TALKING IN ALL CAPS, IT'S ANNOYING!

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, ASS-WIPE!!..... IS THAT A ROCKET LUANCHER?!

GET DOWWWWWWNNNNN!!!!!!!

OH, GOD!! YOU JUST BLEW MY ARM OFF!!!

OWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! STRIPPERS AND STEROIDS! PARTY FUN TIME!!

YOU BLEW MY FREAKIN' ARM OFF!!

Remember, kids, Video game violence isn't funny.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT!

As you can see, Link is in large amounts of pain right now. He can never use that arm again.

GOD, IT HURTS!!

So, remember, video game violence is serious. CALIFORNIA KIDS, MAKING A DIFFERENCE!!!

*SOBS*

Ok, I'm not sure if this is going to work... but I'll try.

Ever been to the website The Desert Collosus? If not, go, it's awesome. But anyways, they have a section there called "Ask Ezlo", where fans write letters to Ezlo (the minish cap). I figured that if I had a website, it would be fun to have a "Ask Malon". And you see, this is the closest thing I have to a website... :)

Ok, so here's how it will work. E-mail me questions to Malon. I will come up with a funny response. They can be serious questions like, "Why is there only one female Zora?" or stupid questions like, "Do you like cheese?"

Anyways, I'm not sure how much participation this will get... but don't be lame, just ask anything, like I said before, they don't have to be good questions.

Once I get about ten, I'll post them all up. If I never get about ten, then I'll just put what I've got so far, and ask a few myself.

PLEASE PARTICIPATE.

Hello! I'm Malon and I'm sure you all know me. I'm sure you all heard all about the "Ask Malon" questions... Well, good news! They were delivered to me and I have the answers! .... It's not much, but perhaps I'll get a few more.

Let's get started.

+++++++++++
dekudiva asks,
+++++++++++

Dear Malon, Do you like... BEEF?!!

===========
Malon replies:
===========

For the most part, yes, but I had a bad experience with beef before. You see, he was cheating on me. That's right, MooMoo! I know about those letters to Termina!!

++++++++++++
RavenTay asks,
++++++++++++

Dear Malon, What do you think of cuckoos? Do you think they're cuddly little feathered friends, or demons from hell in disguise? (since they r invincibly evil and attack brutally)

===========
Malon replies:
===========

Ugh, you gamers... You're ignorance never ceases to amaze me!! Don't you know about the violent and brutal cuckoo/ballerina war? You see, the ballet used to be huge in Hyrule. Ballerinas were even considered to be a separate race, and had their own queen. Her name was Belinda, and she loved Cuckoos. So much so, that she slaughtered mass amounts of the little birds so she could make the ultimate tutu. The Cuckoos fought back, and all the Ballerinas in Hyrule were killed. So, now on to your question. Yes, they are adorable. The only reason they try to kill Link is that his tunic... confuses them. It looks so much like a tutu, and he looks so much like a Ballerina...

++++++++++++++++
Eddy D. Monkey asks,
++++++++++++++++

Dear Malon, where do babies come from? My brother STILL tells me it's the stork!

==========
Malon replies:
==========

What?! Babies DON'T come from the stork?! YOU LIE TO ME, YOSHI TOUCH AND GO!!!

++++++++++++++++++++
Ang (xrigidxdistancex) asks,
++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Malon, If a train goes in one direction at 400 gabajillion miles an hour, and a snail goes in the opposite direction at 0 miles per hour, at which point will the two partake in delicious waffles?

==========
Malon replies:
==========

Well, are you trying to stump me? Well you can't. Why? It's impossible to stump me. You want proof? Well, the train is impossible to stop at the waffle house, because it's going too fast. And the snail isn't moving (0 miles an hour), so it can't even get to the waffle house. So, the answer is NEVER. Neither of them can ever get to the waffle house. However, it they were to take waffles with them before they left, the answer is whenever they damn want to. TA-DA!!

++++++++
Burn asks,
++++++++

Dear Malon, Is it true that you set the record for the obstacle course at the ranch?

==========
Malon replies:
==========

No, actually, I didn't. That record was actually for the Lon Lon "Milk" minigame. However, the minigame was cut from OoT to avoid getting the AO rating. Ingo, could you bring me some more Hot Coffee please? Thanks.

+++++++++++++++++
Aryll Windwaker asks,
+++++++++++++++++

Dear Malon, Why, in OoT, are Leevers (big spinny things in the desert) targeted green instead of yellow like all the other monsters?

==========
Malon replies:
==========

Because Leevers aren't like the other monsters. They're meant for greater things! When Link looks at Leevers, he thinks, "These guys will be famous one day." And that's why their green.... God, what a weird world we live in.

+++++++++
Navi24 asks,
+++++++++

Dear Malon, Does Link like you better than Zelda, or vice versa?

==========
Malon replies:
==========

Me, of course. Zelda is a walking STD.

+++++++++
Navi24 asks,
+++++++++

Dear Malon, Why did Zora's Domain freeze over?

==========
Malon replies:
==========

After Gannon obtained the Triforce, he inteded to grind it down into a fine powder and pass it off as rediculously priced meth.

+++++++++++
dekudiva asks,
+++++++++++

Why are there no female gorons? I mean, Darunia's son Link doesn't have a mother because THERE ARE NO FEMALE GORONS! So, my point is, baby gorons can't be born because there are no girls!

==========
Malon replies:
==========

Well... um... I... You see... the daddy Goron... NEXT QUESTION!!

++++++++
LHOA asks,
++++++++

Dear Malon, If a typewriter has 51 and5/8 keys and 2+2= 5549 and there are exactly 33 goats standing on the tip of mt. everest, devided by cake(50000000000000) r squared then how long would it take for Ganon to eat a box of cookies and a big mac

==========
Malon replies:
==========

I think my brain is begining to bleed.



Alright, I've got to go now. Why? Because these are all the questions sent in. It's not to late though! Jujumonkeys@bellsouth.net. Send your questions if you have any. (Also, if you've already sent one, you CAN send another.)

Burn is alone in front of his computer with all the lights off. He is making odd giggling noises. Suddenly Eddy appears behind him and turns on the lights.

Eddy: (reading the screen) "As she looks into Link's crystal blue eyes, Zelda slides her hand down his chest, letting her fingers run across his muscles as she reaches towards the bottom of his..." OMFG!! You didn't receive my consent to write this!!

Burn: It's not what it looks like! I'm just... exploring!!

Eddy: That's what you said when that hot chick asked if you were gay!

Burn: >bleep< you!!

Eddy: Do you want some, bitch?!

Burn: Do you, bitch?!

Eddy: Maybe, bitch!!

Burn: Bring it, bitch!!

Eddy: I brought it two years ago and poured all over your girlfriend, bitch!!

Burn: Nipples, bitch!!

Eddy: (cries) WHY DO YOU SAY THINGS THAT YOU KNOW HURT ME?!!

Burn: OH IT'S ON NOW!!

Eddy: (wiping a tear) BRING IT, BITCH!!

(They start playing Mario Kart. Burn suddenly takes out Eddy with a shell, then passes him on the final lap.)

Burn: Yes! I WIN!!

Eddy: BITCH!!

(Eddy jumps on Burn's head and starts chewing on him.)

Burn: Augh!!

(Burn rips Eddy off his head, then pulls out a giant slab of meat and smacks Eddy across the face.)

Burn: BITCH!!

Eddy: That hurt!! That really hurt!!

(Burn picks him up and begins smashing his head against a desk.)

Burn: How's This?!!

Eddy: (pulling out a rocket launcher) That's it!!

Burn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (begins breathing like Darth Vader.)

(In the next room over, an explosion is heard, and a large impression of Burn is smashed into the wall.)

Random Person in Room: He's playing with that damn puppet again!

Burn: (from behind the wall): He's not a puppet! HE'S A REAL MONKEY!!

Burn: (tired) All right, all right, you win.

(Burn goes and puts on a shirt that says, "You didn't beat me, I just let you win.")

Burn: This was fun. It reminds me of the time you set the air conditioner on fire.

Eddy: That was NOT ME!!

Burn: Then who was it?

Eddy: The evil twin.

Burn: And who's the evil twin?

Eddy: I'm the evil twin.

Burn: Then you set the fire.

Eddy: No I didn't.

Burn: Then who was it?

Eddy: The evil twin.

Burn: And who's the evil twin?

Eddy: I'm the evil twin.

Burn: Then you set the... wait a minute... is this that thing where you make me say the same thing over and over again for hours and hours and hours?

Eddy: (grins evilly) Maybe.

Burn: Yes or no!

Eddy: (grins evilly) Maybe.

Burn: Yes or n... Damnit!!

(Burn pulls out a lighter and lights a firecracker.)

Eddy: Don't do that inside!!

Burn: (grins)

Eddy: Seriously!

Burn (grins)

(The firecracker explodes and sets Eddy on fire.)

Eddy: HOLY SHIT!!

Burn: I'll try to put it out!!

(Burn picks up a flask of Vodka and pours it all over Eddy's head.)

Eddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Two hours later, after the fire department leaves, Burn walks over to Eddy's bed.)

Burn: How are you feeling?

Eddy: All right I guess. I wish the firemen had gotten here sooner, though.

Burn: I've got some painkillers if you need them.

Eddy: (quickly sitting up) GIMME THOSE!!

(Eddy grabs the pills from Burn's hand and swallows them all at once.)

Eddy: (eye twitching uncontrollably) OH YEAH!!

(Eddy's feet lift of the floor while "Sexy" by the Black Eyed Peas plays. Suddenly, he is seen flying over New York City.)

Eddy: Wheeeee!!!

(Eddy flies over the Empire State Building, where King Kong tries to grab him. Suddenly, the pills wear off, and he falls to the ground and crashes. He then throws up for a while, and falls down in his own vomit. Burn walks up to him.)

Burn: You ok, Mr. Aviator?

Eddy: Screw you, bitch.

AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter is God awful short! Normally I wouldn't post something like this, but my random peeps thought is was funny so... Also note, this was originaly a comic I drew, so I think the visuals might have helped it. I've also made a GTA Monkey and a Black Eyed Peas Monkey. A scene from the BEP monkey was used in Men and Monkeys II (Eddy takes the pills and starts flying).



THE LEGEND OF ZELDA MONKEY


(Eddy is in Kakariko village, next to a bunch of pots, dressed in a Link suit. He looks around to make sure noone is watching, then grins evilly and smashes a pot with his sword. He then looks around again and smashes the next pot. Suddenly a villager can be heard.

Villager: What are you doing to my pots!! Those are worth alot of money!!

(Eddy picks up a third pot and throws it at the Voice.)

Villager: SHIT!!

(A loud crash is heard as the pot hits the Villager in the face.)

Villager: THAT HURT! I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!! I THINK THERE'S A PIECE OF CLAY LODGED IN MY EYE! I...

(The Villager suddenly goes silent as Eddy pulls out his bow and arrow.)

Villager: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!


LATER THAT DAY


(Eddy is once againn looking around, next to a sign that says "Lon Lon Ranch." He grins as he slices a large gash into a chicken.)

Chicken: BA-GWAK!!!

(Suddenly, millions of chickens come, and form a large pile. Sticking out of the pile is a bloody arm.)

Eddy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


THE END. I APOLOGIZE FOR POSTING THIS CRAP.